All That Lives (57 page)

I am leaving now.

The Spirit whispered in my ear and I knew all was over, for its voice was papery and soft, rustling like the pages of Father’s
book of accounts, closing in my ear. I sat up and saw the fog had lifted and the woods and river were bathed in sunlight.
I was not far off the path.

“There is too much unexplained!” I yelled, but my words were lost to the rushing water. I stood and ran up the path hoping
I might see Josh, but he had gone. The comb in my hair had loosened and I pulled it out with great regret and hurled it down
the bank into the water. I stood watching it sink, sad I would never see it again.

In the evening at supper we were all gathered in our places around the dining table. The fire burned at the hearth in the
parlor and Chloe served early peas and skillet cornbread in gravy, a simple meal, as the next day was Easter and a hog was
to be slaughtered for the occasion. I had heard the one they’d marked, wailing, as I walked up our path, but I cared not at
all for the fate of the pig. I was sullen, tremendously downcast over what had transpired with Josh. I was thinking I should
join the hog and wail myself until my angels came to get me, as surely, there must be a better world. But if it was inhabited
by numerous unearthly Beings resembling the Spirit, then it was no place I wished to go.

Mother said grace, and John Jr. said Amen, and we commenced eating. I had not swallowed my first mouthful, when there came
the sound of a bed frame being smashed to bits in the parlor. My first thought was the Spirit had finally decided to destroy
Father’s last resting place. We all rose and went to see what the matter was, but we found no evidence of any breakage.

“Well, shall we resume our meal?” Mother turned to leave, but took not a step, as a heavy stone of iron rolled from our chimney
and bounced from the grate onto the parlor carpet where it burst into a ball of blue sparks and the Spirit spoke.

I am leaving now. I will worry you and your people no more.

“Goodbye!” Mother called, as though she wished it well, but I felt suddenly overcome, as though I might faint. I knew the
Spirit was leaving because its purpose was accomplished. It had tormented the life from Father and prevented me from having
Josh Gardner. I spoke up, allowing my upset to be apparent.

“Why? Why was I so tortured?”

Do you not see my reason in my actions, Betsy Bell?

“All I see is how you caused my suffering.” The injustice of it was intolerable to me and I thought of Father speaking in
church, his back rigid with anger.

Your worst torment was slaps and pinpricks, not so sharp as your own fears. All your suffering was not caused by me.

“It was! Did you not murder my father and cause me to renounce my love, never speaking to the reason why?”

I am all things. I am evil and evil seeks no reason. You would be wise to live content with that mystery without your irritable
search for meaning. Your feeble mind cannot contain knowledge of all that lives. You cannot comprehend my reasons, or the
lack of them.

I had the feeling the Spirit was not telling me the truth.

“I comprehend you better than you know. Your pleasure has been my suffering, and now you will depart, assured my life will
be one of pain and loneliness.” I felt the wild abandon I’d experienced on the morning of the sleigh ride, when I’d known
Father was gone and I could behave as I liked.

“Betsy …” Mother shook her head and frowned at me, discouraging me from continuing. I pictured Josh’s gray honest eyes and
the love he held for me and I realized suddenly what he had known that afternoon that I had not; if I was blessed enough to
share a single purpose with him it was my responsibility to embrace it, come what may. I recalled the day when we were attacked
at the bridge with sticks and I had returned home to find my corn husk dolls blown away by the wind. Forces of nature I could
not dictate, but what of my own future? I knew, though it felt buried under the heavy stone in my belly, I knew the right
true path for me was to live in love and not in fear, or longing. What had I done? Why had I refused Josh Gardner? A fury
such as I had never experienced before filled my body and I shouted, “Go, Spirit! Be gone and know I will do as I like, regardless
of you, reason or no!”

Betsy Bell, what thoughts rage inside your head? You understand nothing.

“I understand I have had enough of your malevolence and you shall not leave any more than you already have behind. I shall
have the love that I deserve.” I felt certain it was as Josh had said, our love was stronger than any otherworldly creature.

You will do as you will. I did not come here to torment you only.

I thought of Father and the dying slant of his head, his breath stuttering away. I thought of Clara Lawson hanging from a
rope inside her barn and of Amanda Ellison floating face down in Kate Batts’s pond. I thought of the doors closed forever
to Old Kate’s wares and of my brother struggling through storms for no good reason. I thought of Sallie Barton and John Jr.
and how they never would meet or marry.

You are only one amongst the many suffering souls in this world and there are many other worlds as well, where many suffer.

“But I have finished with your torture,” I said, wanting more than anything for this to be the truth.

I too will soon be done with you, Betsy Bell.

The Spirit hissed into my ear and struck me hard across the face as it used to do before it murdered Father. I cried out in
pain and brought my hand to the place where I had been struck.

I am the strength of the powerful Beings.

The Spirit raised its voice to the level of thunder.

“Betsy, allow the Spirit to take leave of us. Do not shout after it. It has said it will worry us no more.” Mother was upset
and took up my arm protectively, but it was too late. I saw a white light flash across the room like the lightning bolt that
had split our giant elm in two. An unbearable heat burned in my belly as though the Spirit had replaced the cold stone with
red-hot coals.

“No!” Mother drew her hand quickly back as my dress burst into flames. I was frightened, but I felt nothing. Behind me John
Jr. called for Chloe to bring a pail of water.

“She is burning, you must stop this! Stop it!” Mother flailed her arms against the flames but the fire simply grew stronger
and brighter in the wind she created.

“I will live!” I screamed, determined to withstand the Spirit’s abuses of my flesh. I raised my arms above my head, surprised
I felt no pain, though the flames consumed me. I was still able to speak, but tendrils of fire shot from my mouth with my
words so I chose them carefully. “I will have Josh Gardner for my husband and my life. It is not God’s wish that I should
suffer further.”

Do you believe you know the mind of God?

“I know He charged me with a special purpose, one I struggled to apprehend and did ignore until this very day.”

John Jr. took the pail of water from Chloe and stepped through the fire of me, pouring it over my head. It evaporated instantly,
having no effect on the flames.

Speak not of what you know not, Betsy Bell.

“I may speak best of what I know most deeply. Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins. I love Josh Gardner, as the
fig tree putteth forth green figs. It is my nature.”

Nature is what you know not.

“I know what love is and how it does deliver and delight.” A massive flame shot from my womb and licked the parlor curtains,
scorching them to black.

“Please, stop! You must not do this!” Mother sobbed and I saw Joel and Richard shrinking up against the wall. Though I continued
to feel nothing I could see they were afraid for me.

“Cursed I have been,” I continued to argue with the Being, “but now I am blessed to know love, and you shall not take it from
me. One who does good is never overcome by evil, you said so yourself, in the cave.” The burning fire in my body subsided
instantly. The flames ceased to flare from my arms and I was left with a warmth so rare and beautiful it felt as though God
had breathed into my soul. My dress was black and scorched but there was not a mark left behind on my skin.

“Thank God! Thank you, Lord, thank you for sparing my child.” Mother prostrated herself on the floor by my feet. I wondered
what she thought of my declaration of love for Josh, and I wondered why she thanked the Lord and not the Being.

Are you prepared for the responsibility of your affections?

The Spirit changed its tone with me and spoke reasonably.

Any fool can say I choose this love, but you know not what will befall you on the course.

“For certain I will never know if I do not take my opportunity.” All at once I felt possessed of an urgent need to saddle
up Moses and ride through the night to Josh’s home. What if he was packing for Kentucky?

Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.

The Spirit returned to its menacing hiss and this caused me to let my temper loose. I knew it was dangerous to do so, but
like the days when I crumpled Father’s page from his book of accounts and threw the poison in the fire and ran to Josh to
let him love me, I no longer could control myself. I screamed at the Spirit.

“If you must stay and torment my days with Josh, so be it. I would rather be tormented and together with my love than separated
by your evil and left to a lifetime of longing for what I already have. Do what you will, but know
I will have Josh Gardner.
” I shouted so loud the back of my throat felt ripped open by the words and suddenly I was growing and expanding until my
head hit the ceiling and my elbows became notched in the corners of the room.

“Oh Betsy!” I saw Mother clasp her hands together in prayer down on the floor, now very far away. I felt the Being inhabit
my soul on the screech of my rejection of it, slinking into my body so I had the urge to vomit and emit the great darkness
welling inside. What was the dark? Subterranean, cold and frightening like the walls of the cavern, like the fear of the early
nights of the visitation when I waited alone for the maddeningly cruel abuse. It was the fear in the room with Father before
his death, the unspeakable cloud of black, a darkness smelling like dank earth. I could not properly breathe, for it seemed
my lungs had remained tiny when the rest of me expanded. The Spirit whispered in my ear.

When I placed my hands on your shoulders in the woods when you were only nine, I saw your fate, Betsy Bell.

I felt as though my swollen limbs might burst and rain blood down. I wanted to be released, but I could not speak. All at
once time stopped, all breathing ceased, and into this stillness the Spirit spoke only to my soul.

You saw me in the light in the forest.

I thought of that first time, the light flashing as if someone walked with a lantern in the woods.

You felt the chill of me.

I felt it at that moment, for the dark was cold, and icy like the earth on Father’s coffin.

You heard my voice inside the wind.

I recalled the rattling thistles and the conversation buried in them.

Do you ask the wind, why do you blow across my cheek?

A velvet hand brushed against my face.

Accept the gift I have been to you.

I did not understand what the Spirit meant. I thought of the silver comb dropping into my hands on my birthday, but I knew
it was something more than that.

I came here to protect and guide you, Betsy Bell, though it may be difficult for you to understand my ways and means.

I thought of Father in the fields explaining why Little Bright must eat the worms, had he not said it may be difficult for
you to understand?

When I said I once was happy, but I had been disturbed, did you not know I spoke to you?

I had known, and it was true, once I had been happy, but I had been disturbed. Abruptly I felt I was lying in my bed with
Father. He grunted “darling daughter” in my ear just like he used to and I could smell the sour whiskey on his breath. My
stomach rose thickly and I feared I would for certain hail vomit onto the parlor carpet.

All that is over now.

How ever did you protect me? I did not speak the words aloud, I was incapable, the world was frozen silent, but the Spirit
answered my thoughts.

I took possession of your nights, then I did poison him! There was much you suffered I could not affect. I did what fate allowed.
You should be grateful, instead you throw away my gifts, like your comb into the river. You do not listen.

Only God can protect me, if He exists.

I did not want to accept the Spirit’s claim, for it seemed to say the murder of my father was a benefit to me. Repulsive as
it was, I felt this could be true and part of an infinite plan my mind was too small to comprehend. I did not want to think
on it.

God inhabits all things, you and me for certain. You are a special girl, willful as you are. The wisdom of the ages is available
to you. Look in your heart, Betsy, for God is there, as real as I am.