Allie's War Season Four (130 page)

A few seconds after that, I was talking to him, losing track of my own words, and he shifted his weight to one side, groaning, fighting with his belt.

I felt him wanting intercourse now that I was talking to him, even though some of my words hurt him...or maybe partly because of that. He wanted to fuck me before I stopped talking, to put his ear by my mouth while he coaxed me into taking my anger and frustration out on him in other ways.

I saw images flicker through his mind, of me hurting his back, biting his neck...hitting him with with my fists, with harder things...and I had my hand on him before he got off the belt.

Once I did, he stopped long enough to press against my palm, groaning again.

“You really want me to hurt you?” I asked him, softer.

“No,” he said. Groaning, he gripped my wrist. “...Yes. Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

I felt something in his light, something about trust or submission or maybe both things. I felt that wall in his heart, felt him thinking about it, too, and frustration and anger bled over my light, almost in spite of myself. His pain worsened when he felt my aggression, and his light grew more submissive again, even as I felt that longing in his light sharpen.

Something clicked as I watched his reactions unfold, and I found myself staring at him.

“You
know
you’re holding back with me?” I said, incredulous. “You want me to beat you up, to get you to stop it?”

He shrugged, looking down at me, his eyes predatory again.

“You are seriously fucked up, you know that?” I said.

“You knew that when you married me,” he said, kissing me as he smiled. “Well,” he amended, thinking. “...The second time you married me, anyway.”

The smile didn’t touch his eyes, I noticed.

I was still staring up at him, trying to wrap my mind around what he was telling me. It occurred to me that he wanted me to understand that about him...the request had been planned, it hadn’t just “slipped out.” It also occurred to me that he’d been nervous to ask it of me. Not shy, not exactly, but nervous about how I might react. Nervous I might say no. Forcing myself to relax back into the mattress, I turned over his words, trying to view them objectively.

He didn’t take his hands off me, though, and my pain worsened when he starting putting more light into his fingers again.

“You’re not doing a good job, if you’re trying to convince me...” he managed after a pause, going back to unfastening the front of his pants.

“Convince you of what?” I said.

I had my hand inside his clothes then.

His eyes closed, even as he shifted closer to me on the bed, giving me more access. He let out another low gasp when I started pulling on him from that other place, using structures I’d developed working as a consort for the Lao Hu. He cried out again a few seconds later, fighting to wrestle control back from my light, but I’d finally wormed my way past his defenses on that score, too. I could feel more of him again, and not only the parts of him that wanted sex.

For a long-feeling few minutes, he fought my hold on him, using words that time...words for which I only understood about half. I didn’t let go of him, though.

He let out another low groan. I felt the difference in his body already. His muscles had gone soft, even as he rested more of his weight on his back and sides, leaning against me. His hand wrapped around my waist, even as he turned his head, staring at my face.

The submission felt willing that time.

I couldn’t read him worth a damn though, even now. The realization frustrated me, even as it turned me on.

“Convince you of what, Revik?” I repeated.

“Not to tie you up,” he murmured against my neck. “Not to lock you to my bed so I could imagine you in here.
Gaos.
I had a hard-on the whole time I was gone.”

I smiled a little, in spite of myself. “You did?”

“I’m going to do it again,” he said, his words a half-gasp when I continued to touch him. He leaned his face deeper into my neck. “I almost don’t care what you say.”

I couldn’t help smiling at that, too. “Almost?”

“I stayed away,” he said, his eyes on mine as he caressed my skin. “I stayed away longer than I wanted...until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I wanted you to miss me. Did you miss me, Allie? I really, really wanted you to miss me...”

He let out another low sound when I pulled on his light.

His eyes slid out of focus, right before he looked up at me. I couldn’t hold his gaze; my eyes shifted down his tattooed arms, to his chest and then to his lower body, over which he still wore most of his pants. When I glanced up next, I saw pain tighten his expression, right before he looked away, gasping again.

Sometimes it scared me how much I wanted him.

It scared me and made me jealous and threatened me...all of which I knew to be ridiculous, especially now. I knew he felt the same way, at least sometimes. It angered me that a part of me still wanted to punish him for his life before we got married, as well as the parts of his sexuality that had nothing to do with me. And yeah, I was still pissed off about Dalejem.

Hell, I was still pissed off about
Jon.
Not the rational part of me, sure. But the rational part of me wasn’t what came to the forefront when Revik pulled and unraveled my light.

Honestly, I wondered if his fears around that kind of thing ignited mine, making them worse, making me act more possessive with him, too. Or yeah, maybe that was nothing but a load of crap. Maybe it was just easier to blame him.

“You could do it to me,” he said, glancing at my chained wrist. “I can pretty much promise I’ll have a hard on the whole time you’re gone, too.”

I laughed at that, unable to help it.

Even so, I could hear the thread of seriousness in his words.

I knew he’d never do anything if I really said no. On the other hand, I could tell he was more than willing to push it, if he thought I’d let him get away with it. He’d told me already that he wasn’t feeling overly burdened by rationality when it came to the two of us...not since thinking I was dead for the second time. He also told me he was feeling more than a little self-indulgent when it came to reassuring himself that I was all right, even if that meant not letting me out of his sight for more than a few minutes at a time for the next year or so.

He also asked me, in one of our more honest conversations in the past few weeks, if I’d let him boss me around sexually, as long as he didn’t abuse the privilege overly.

Of course, I’d asked him to clarify what he meant by “overly.”

The only answer I got was that smile.

Pretty much the same smile I was looking at now.

Since that talk, he’d been throwing minor tests my way. I definitely got the impression he was only putting a toe in the water, but I had no idea where he intended to follow that thread exactly. I couldn’t even be sure if he knew, honestly. I found myself thinking about it again, even as he looked at me, and thinking about the other request he’d made, a few minutes earlier. So he wanted to boss me around, but part of that was that he wanted me to boss him around, too. Maybe more than boss him around. But could I really hurt him?

“It’s not about hurting me, Allie,” he said, soft.

Thinking about his words, I nodded. I knew that.

I could feel the fear lingering there, anyway.

He watched me wrestle with it. I could almost see the thoughts running behind his eyes, but he wasn’t sharing those with me, either, not even through his light.

“Untie me,” I told him softly. “We should talk, Revik.”

He shook his head, once. “That’s not much of a negotiation, wife.”

“I have to negotiate to get you to untie me?” I said. “I mean it. We should talk.”

He smiled again, sliding up my body to kiss my throat.

“You mean about your dreams?” he said. He clicked at me in mock admonition, hanging over me once more, supporting his weight on his arms and hands, causing them to tense. “And you call me a workaholic...?”

Before I could so much as let out a snort, he shifted his weight, pressing more of his body down on mine. Adjusting his legs and arms, he brought me further down the bed, stretching out my limbs so that I had to hold out my arm where he’d locked it to the wall. I still had ahold of his light, but he fought me enough that I had to struggle to hold him that way, too.

His light was getting stronger again, I realized.

Even so, I managed to get control over him for real, a few seconds later.

“This isn’t negotiation, either...” he gasped. “You’re only making me intransigent. More intransigent...”

“Intransigent?” I laughed.

“Stubborn. Unwilling to change one’s views...”

“I know what intransigent means,” I said, torn between laughing again and frowning at him, even as I rolled my eyes, seer fashion. “My English is still better than yours. Are you really not going to talk to me?”

“Let me go,” he coaxed. “We can fuck a few times, then talk...”

“Revik.” I let out an involuntary laugh. “You’re impossible...”

“Let me go,” he coaxed. “I’ll leave you here the rest of the day if you don’t.”

Studying his eyes more carefully that time, I smiled. “You’re serious.”

“Deadly,” he said. He pressed his lower body against mine, gasping when I stopped him, using his light. “Here’s my negotiation,” he said. “Let go of my light...let me control this...and I’ll give you what you want. I’ll tell you everything you said last night. I’ll let you tie me up and do whatever you want to me next time.” He paused, letting that dangle for a few seconds before he shrugged, a faint smile hovering on his lips.

“...Don’t let me go, and I’ll retaliate.”

I rolled my eyes. “Retaliate, how? By chaining me to a wall?”

His smile widened, but his eyes turned visibly more predatory. “It’s a win-win for me. I might leave you in here for days. Make you perform sexual favors before I feed you.”

I held his stare. “What if I did the same to you?”

I saw pain flicker across his face. Seeing the expression there, and more than that, feeling it in his light, I shook my head, clicking at him. I couldn’t help laughing a little, though.

“That turns you on, too?” I said. “You’re hopeless.”

“Are you going to fuck me?” he said. “Do you really want to have a heavy conversation before we do this? Or is this just a power play?”

Thinking, I had to concede his point.

Sighing, I shook my head.

“No?” he said. “To which part? Are you going to fuck me?”

“I was thinking about it,” I admitted, looking up at him.

His eyes hardened as he returned my gaze, right before his pain worsened. “Screw negotiation,” he said. “I think I’ll just bring you with me next time. Violate you whenever I can’t stand it anymore...lock you to fixtures in random cabins on the ship.”

“For more of your friends to find me?” I snorted. “Great. I’ll alert the media.”

He paused at that, right as he’d been lowering his mouth.

Staring at my face, he frowned. “Do I want to know?”

Seeing the suddenly much less amused expression on his face, I sighed, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut. “I’m sure you’ll hear about it, soon enough,” I said, putting my free hand on my forehead. When I saw his eyes narrow, I pushed at his chest with the same hand. “If you unlock me, I’ll tell you...how about that?”

His pain worsened. That time, it felt a lot less like separation pain. Feeling the change in his light, I grasped hold of his hair in my hand. I gripped him harder when he avoided my eyes, trying to get him to look at me again.

“Hey,” I said, worry flickering through my light, and my voice. “Come on. What? We were kidding around, right?”

He clicked at me, his accent abruptly worsening. “I told you I’m not totally kidding. Not about that. Remember? Not kidding. Not entirely. Those were my words. I think I said it more than once, in fact...”

“Okay,” I said. “So you’re not kidding...I hear you.”

His voice turned harder. “The fuck you are. You’re not hearing me, Allie. Or you wouldn’t be doing this. You wouldn’t be...”