Alone with Mr. Darcy: A Pride & Prejudice Variation (21 page)

Now her punishment was upon her, and once
more she must face facts. There was nothing to be gained by remaining in Kent
except more heartbreak. It was hard enough to know Darcy must marry Miss de
Bourgh without having to listen as he told her so. No, it would be better to
leave with what few good memories remained intact – and before she
weakened enough to hope for some limited contact with him.

But she could not leave him without a
word. Setting down her letters, she crossed to the small writing desk and
removed a sheet of paper. The quill did not need mending this time and the
inkwell was full, so she had no excuse to delay. Taking a deep breath, she
began to write.

Dear Mr. Darcy,

By now you will be aware I have left
for London. Mr. Collins told me the terms of your aunt’s will, and I fully
understand your duty to your cousin must come ahead of the much more nebulous
one to a woman in my position, especially one who has been as ungracious to you
as I have during my stay in Kent. I would not expect you to make any other
decision, so pray believe me when I say I understand.

As to my ungraciousness, I have
received confirmation from London you did indeed call at my uncle’s house as
you said. Please accept my deepest apologies for disbelieving you.

She paused and tapped the quill against
her lips. Should she leave it at that? There was so much more she wished to
tell him, though it would serve no useful purpose. But there would never be
anyone else she could unburden herself to, and she wanted him to know. He
deserved it. 

I would not have reacted so badly to
seeing you had the previous months not been so painful. When the scandal first
broke, I felt more relief than anything else because it gave me the excuse to
write to you and accept your offer. I had not anticipated how much I would miss
your companionship after the storm, nor understood how much my own sentiments
towards you had changed. Once I wrote the letter my father was to give to you,
I looked forward eagerly to reuniting with you. 

I am still ignorant of what passed
between you and my father, but when he told me he had met with you and you had
no intention of marrying me, I had no reason not to believe him. I was
devastated, though I could hardly blame you for it, but the distress it occasioned
me was deep. The idea of never seeing you again was even more painful than the
reality of dealing with my disgrace. I say these things not to cause you pain,
but in the hope it may help you understand why I wanted nothing to do with you
when I saw you again. 

Eventually my grief turned to anger at
being abandoned, as well as discovering you were not the man I believed you to
be. I know now this was based on mistaken assumptions. When I saw you first at
Rosings – Charlotte had given me no warning of your presence – I
could only assume our meeting was mere happenstance, and likely an embarrassing
reminder of an episode you would prefer to forget. I could not bear to face
that, so I avoided you. When you confirmed you had received my letter, I lost my
last sliver of hope you might be innocent of abandoning me. After that, I would
not allow myself to hope, but I cannot express to you what a profound relief it
was when you proved to me you had told the truth. It was a completely
unexpected reprieve from a torment such as I hope never to experience again.

I wish I had the opportunity to tell
you these things in person, but I believe we both understand it is better if we
do not meet again. I plan to return to my uncle’s house for the time being.
Should you ever need to contact me, I will inform both Charlotte and my uncle
they may give you my direction. As I do not understand my father’s role in
this, I plan to say nothing to him, but in any case, I do not foresee a future
which would permit me to return to Longbourn.

I will only add, God bless you, and I
hope your marriage to Miss de Bourgh may somehow bring you more happiness than
you at present expect.

With deep & abiding affection &
respect,

E. Bennet

Blinking back tears, she pushed the letter
away and capped the inkwell before she gave into the temptation to bare her
soul even more. She blotted her eyes fiercely with a handkerchief. This was not
the time for to cry. There would be plenty of opportunity in London for tears.
No, this was the time for action.

The first step was to pack her belongings.
She pulled her trunk out of the wardrobe, yelping when it landed on her toes.
How could an empty trunk weigh so much? She hopped to the chair on her good
foot, then removed her slipper and sock. Her great toe was reddened and already
beginning to swell, but she could move it easily enough she doubted there was
any serious injury. Her toe appeared to disagree, given the discomfort caused
by replacing her stocking.

She hobbled back to the wardrobe and
glared at the trunk as she unlatched it and was met by a musty smell. Obviously
it would need to air out before she packed it.

In any case, Charlotte was likely back
from Rosings by now, and she might as well break the news to her. Walking on
the heel of her injured foot made the trip down the stairs reasonably
tolerable, although her toe continued to throb.

Charlotte was sorting through embroidery
threads in her sitting room and humming under her breath. Her brows drew
together when she spotted Elizabeth. “What is the matter, Lizzy?”

Elizabeth raised her foot a few inches. “I
hurt my toe, but it is not serious. It will be better in an hour or two.”

“That is not what I meant.” Charlotte
indicated her no doubt reddened eyes.

Bother it! She should have washed her face
and waited for the evidence of tears to fade before she came down. “Just the
usual,” she said dismissively. “I have come to a decision that I will return to
London tomorrow. I have written a letter of explanation to Mr. Darcy which I
hope you will be kind enough to deliver to him on my behalf.”

“Oh, but you cannot leave yet!” Charlotte
sounded truly stricken.

Elizabeth closed her eyes for a moment to
regain her composure. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you must understand I
have no desire to be here when his engagement is announced.”

“That is not what I meant. It is only
that…oh, dear, it was meant to be a surprise, but I suppose I must tell you
now. I had a long talk with Colonel Fitzwilliam, and he is planning to take us
both to the seaside tomorrow. He has arranged for a carriage and rooms at an
inn, and Miss de Bourgh has offered to let Mrs. Jenkinson come as our
chaperone. She says Miss Holmes can stay with her just as easily and Mrs.
Jenkinson would benefit from the sea air. The colonel is so excited about it,
and I would feel terrible if we could not go after all the trouble he has taken
to plan it.”

Elizabeth wavered. It was a kind gesture
on the colonel’s part, and she wondered if he had guessed she would need some
distraction. He certainly seemed to have suspicions about her history with Mr.
Darcy. “I suppose I could wait until after that. After all, I would dearly love
to see the sea.” And perhaps it would give her time to regain some small bit of
her spirits before returning to London.

Charlotte clapped her hands together.
“Wonderful! That is excellent news. Since now you know of the plans, you can
help me decide what to bring. The colonel says it is colder at the seaside and
the wind can be fierce, so we should be prepared for that.”

***

The Earl of Matlock strode into the
library. “Ah, Darcy. There you are. I want to talk to you about Anne.”

“I do not intend to marry Anne.”

“Now, there is no rush. With Anne in
mourning, it will be half a year before she can marry you in any case. It would
be best to take care of that as soon as possible, but that still gives you six
months to enjoy your freedom.”

“I am not marrying Anne at all. Not in six
months, not ever.” Darcy ostentatiously picked up a book and opened it.

There was an ominous silence, but Darcy
refused to give Lord Matlock the satisfaction of looking up at him. Instead he
slowly turned the pages, pretending to read.

“Darcy, no one wishes to see you forced
into a marriage you do not want, but this is an unusual case. Your duty is
absolutely clear.”

“Lady Catherine knew she could count on
you to say that. It was
her
duty to provide for her daughter.”

“This is foolishness! Catherine was always
obstinate and annoying, but she only wanted the best for Anne and for you. It
is a good match on both sides, and Anne is family, so we know she is
trustworthy. Still, I would support you in refusing her, but not at the cost of
losing Rosings. It is an important asset.”

“I do not need or want Rosings. Pemberley
provides all I need.”

“This is a duty to your family! We all
benefit from the increased connections. And you know as well as I do that
Pemberley needs an heir.”

“My cousin John Darcy is Pemberley’s
heir.”

“You would let Pemberley go to a distant
cousin? Darcy, we sacrificed much to bring Pemberley into the Fitzwilliam fold,
and it will all be wasted if you die without an heir. And think of poor
Georgiana, thrust from her home!”

Darcy spoke through gritted teeth. “I have
made certain Georgiana’s dowry is untouchable and that she will have sufficient
income for her lifetime. Richard helped with the arrangements, if you do not
believe me.”

Lord Matlock yanked the book from his
hands, slammed it shut, and tossed it on the table. “Darcy, listen to me.
Twenty years ago I took you into my home, at the cost of alienating not only
your father but also
that woman’s
very wealthy family. I barely knew
you, but you were a Fitzwilliam, so I fought for the right to keep you safe. I
have never asked anything from you in return. Tonight I am asking for
something, asking for you to do your duty to our family in the same way I did
for you. Marry Anne.”

Darcy’s hands clenched on the arms of the
chair. This was the one appeal which could make him doubt himself. “I honor and
respect you for all you have done for me and for your dedication to your
family. I would do almost anything you asked, but I am sorry. I cannot do
this.” How fortunate it had proved that Elizabeth had been compromised by her
actions in saving his life! Had it only been a matter of his love for her, he
would have been hard pressed to deny his duty to his family and what he owed
Lord Matlock merely for his own happiness. But Elizabeth
had
been
compromised, so he had a competing duty to his honor, and his heart was
grateful for it. But it would just create more problems if he told his uncle
about Elizabeth. Family duty came ahead of honor to him.

His uncle’s face grew red, and he smashed
his fist onto the table. “Damn it, what is wrong with you? We stand to lose
everything we have worked for in the last two generations! If we lose both
Rosings and Pemberley, it will set us back decades. Do you know how hard I have
worked all my life to regain our rightful position in society? And you will
risk it over such a small thing?”

If only he had some brandy to ease his dry
mouth! “Marriage is not a small thing, and you have not lost Pemberley. As for
losing Rosings, Lady Catherine is at fault for that, not I.”

“Do not speak ill of the dead!”

Richard poked his head in the door. “There
you are, Darcy! Hiding from me?”

Lord Matlock pointed at him. “Out!” he
roared.

With raised eyebrows and a deeply
sympathetic look at Darcy, Richard backed away with an exaggerated tip-toeing
movement. His father snorted at his retreating back and returned to his prey.

***

Charlotte opened the folded note and read
it, then turned to the boy who had brought it. “Pray tell Colonel Fitzwilliam
we shall expect him.”

The boy nodded and hurried off. Charlotte
read through the note again, frowning.

“Is something the matter?” Elizabeth
asked.

“I do not know. Colonel Fitzwilliam would
like to leave earlier than planned. He says, ‘My father is in a towering rage,
and unpleasant scenes at breakfast always trouble my delicate digestion.’” She
laughed. “Only he would say such a thing! His delicate digestion, indeed!”

Elizabeth was awake and ready early the
next day. Disappointed love, she had decided, was a certain method to cure a
tendency to lie abed in the morning. It was far better to arise and distract
herself. Besides, she had longed to visit the seaside since she was a child,
and she had no intention of moping for the entire journey.

Shortly after breakfast, an elegant closed
carriage drawn by a four-in-hand pulled up in front of the parsonage.
Apparently they were to be travelling in style. Elizabeth wondered if it was
one of Lady Catherine’s carriages or whether Mr. Darcy had loaned his for the
occasion. The reminder of him made her swallow hard.

The coachman took their bags and strapped
them firmly to the back while Colonel Fitzwilliam let down the steps. Elizabeth
thought she saw him wink at Charlotte as he handed her in, and wondered if her
friend was indulging in a brief flirtation with the good colonel. Certainly she
had been in unusually high spirits when she returned from Rosings the previous
day.

Elizabeth took the colonel’s proffered
hand and stepped up with care. She had bound her toes before putting on her
half boots, but she still felt a sharp twinge of pain when she put weight on
that foot, so she leaned against the side of the coach door with her other hand
as she ducked to enter.  It was not until Colonel Fitzwilliam closed the
door and stepped past her that her eyes adjusted to the darkness, revealing
another figure sitting in the shadows across from her. Her heart pounded when
she saw Mr. Darcy’s eyes resting on her, a slight smile playing on his face.

Charlotte said, “What a delightful
surprise! I had not realized you would be joining us, Mr. Darcy.”

Elizabeth did not miss the odd look the
colonel cast at her friend. Charlotte must have known he was coming all along.
How could she have done this
again
? This was the second time she had
ambushed her this way. Elizabeth would definitely have words with Charlotte
later.

Darcy said, “How could I stay behind when
such a pleasant expedition was going forth?”

The colonel laughed. “He was simply
jealous I would have all the lovely young ladies to myself!” He straightened
his black armband which had gone askew.

Elizabeth looked more closely at Darcy. He
was no longer wearing the requisite black mourning cravat and armbands the
colonel sported. How odd, that he should decide to eschew mourning after only a
few days! Even for an aunt, he would be expected to wear it for three months.

But she was glad he did not. Lady
Catherine was the true source of their separation. Why should she do her the
courtesy of mourning her loss? Darcy’s choice was proof he too felt cheated by
Lady Catherine. 

For the first time in what felt like days,
Elizabeth felt a genuine smile curl her lips. He wanted the same things she
did, and there was no reason for them to be at odds. She could choose whether
to spend the next two days brooding over the loss of him or enjoying this brief
reprieve in his company, putting aside the pain the future would bring. Yes,
she would take the gift of these two days, and later on, she could hold them
close to her heart, along with her memories of the blizzard.

“Besides,” said Darcy, “I would not wish
to miss the expression on Miss Elizabeth’s face when she catches her first
glimpse of the sea – the one with water in it, that is.”

The carriage jolted into motion. Although
it was perhaps the best sprung coach Elizabeth had ever ridden in, the clatter
of the wheels over the rough road drowned out any attempts at conversation.
Public lanes were never so poorly maintained in Hertfordshire. 

The colonel bellowed, “It is but a mile to
the turnpike road, and it will be much better then.”

Elizabeth did not mind, as the lack of
discourse gave her an excuse to simply gaze at Mr. Darcy without any need to
disguise her interest. After all, he sat directly opposite her. Had Charlotte
planned that as well? Still, she might have felt self-conscious about watching
him, were he not doing the self-same thing with every evidence of
satisfaction. 

It was odd. If he were in fact courting
her, this display would be embarrassing. She could only indulge herself in this
forwardness because she knew nothing could come of it. This time was somehow
divorced from their everyday reality, much as the blizzard had been.

Colonel Fitzwilliam tapped Darcy’s
shoulder and leaned over to say something in his ear. Darcy raised an eyebrow
before giving some sort of answer, then shifted his weight on the upholstered
bench.  He extended his leg until his booted foot rested on the floor just
inches from Elizabeth’s feet. No, not even that far, for she could feel it
pressing against her foot through the layers of her petticoats.

He had done it deliberately; she was
certain of it. Greatly daring, she allowed her own foot to press back, and was
rewarded by a dizzying look of approval. Or perhaps it was simply the physical
contact with him that dizzied her and sent odd sensations dancing up her legs
and flutterings deep inside her. She risked a glance at the others, but they
seemed to have noticed nothing. 

It could barely even count as contact,
after all, with so many layers between her foot and his – her stockings,
the leather of her half boots, her shift, petticoat and skirt, his boots and
stockings – yet it felt excruciatingly intimate, bringing back all the
ways they had touched during those days at the cottage. Snuggling together for
warmth, her body entwined with his as they slept, those astonishing and
drugging kisses they had shared. The warmth of his breath against her ear when
he said,
Sleep well, sweet Lizzy
. Goodness, her lips were tingling just
from the recollection! Only a few days ago, the blizzard had seemed like the
distant past, but now it might as well have been yesterday.

The carriage passed over a particularly large
bump when it reached the turnpike road. The driver called out to the horses,
and before Elizabeth had even recovered from the jolt, the carriage surged
forward quickly enough she slid back an inch or two on the seat.

Thankfully, as the colonel had predicted,
the racket subsided, though it continued to echo in her ears. It seemed almost
preternaturally quiet, with nothing but the hoof beats of the running horses.
Their speed was striking enough to draw Elizabeth’s attention from Mr. Darcy as
the scenery flew by and the trees beside the road seemed to blur.

Charlotte asked, “How far will we be
travelling?”

“It is about twenty miles from here
– two hours with Darcy’s horses. At full speed, they can outrun a post
coach.”

Elizabeth laughed. “So fast? I have never
ridden in a post coach, so this is very fast for me. But I am exposing the gaps
in my experience and you will think me quite unsophisticated!” She wrinkled her
nose at the colonel.

Darcy said quietly, “Your enthusiasm is
endearing.” His foot, which had been displaced by the jolting, pressed up
against hers once more.

She should not be permitting this, but it
was too sweet. Her reputation in Meryton was already in tatters, so this would
make no difference, even if anyone discovered it. The only person with any
possible right to object would be Mr. Hartshorne, and as soon as the thought of
him crossed her mind, she knew with certainty she would not accept his
proposal. It had been one thing to consider doing so when she thought herself
spurned by Darcy; but feeling as she did for him, and knowing those sentiments
were returned, at least to a degree, she could not marry another man, even when
Darcy married Miss de Bourgh. She would have to think of another plan –
but not until the day after tomorrow. For now she would live in the
present. 

***

Elizabeth clapped her hand to her bonnet
and laughed with delight as the brisk sea wind threatened to tear it from her
head. “Is it always so windy here?”

The colonel grinned at her. “Usually, and
in the winter, it is much more so. Sometimes the wind makes it nearly
impossible to walk.”

“I had never imagined the waves would be
so high, nor that I could smell the sea from this distance. I had always
thought the white cliffs would be greyish, but they are truly white, are they
not? And so tall!”

“When you are climbing up them, they seem
even higher. There is a set of stairs carved into the cliff that goes down to
the bottom. If you would like to walk on the beach, this would be a good time,
as the tide is going out.”

“Does the tide make such a difference to
the beach?”

“Not in general, but here it does. If you
follow the beach to the north just past the headland, there is a cove of
remarkable beauty. The cliffs there are sheer, apart from a few caves. But you
can only reach the cove when the tide is low, since the tip of the headland is
submerged at high tide and the currents there are treacherous. It is not
uncommon for visitors to be stranded in the cove until the tide goes out
again.” The colonel shaded his eyes with his hand. “It looks like you would
have four hours or so – let us say three, to be on the safe side –
before the tide would obstruct your way. It would be a pity for you to miss the
cove.”

Elizabeth rocked on her injured foot. The
pain was manageable. “I would love to see it, if there is time enough.”

Charlotte tightened her bonnet ribbons.
“You should go, Lizzy, but I believe I will enjoy the view from here more.
Going down the cliff sounds quite terrifying to me. Mrs. Jenkinson can keep me
company.” Since that lady had not even bothered to exit the carriage to view
the sea, it seemed unlikely she would be interested in a walk on the beach.

The colonel turned to Darcy. “I have seen
the cove many times before, so perhaps you could escort Miss Bennet, while I remain
here with Mrs. Collins and Mrs. Jenkinson.”

Alone with Mr. Darcy? It was one thing to
flirt in a crowded carriage, but being alone together would mean they would
have to converse, and there would be no happy endings in that. But she still
longed for it – and could not refuse it.

Darcy held his arm out to her with a warm
look. “Miss Elizabeth, I would be honored to explore this famous cove with
you.”

“A moment, Lizzy,” said Charlotte. “With
this wind, you will need your pelisse.”

“An excellent idea! I am chilled already.”
Elizabeth followed her to the carriage where the coachman produced the
requested pelisse.

Charlotte pressed a full reticule into her
hand. “Just a few biscuits in case you become hungry. That looks like a long
walk.”

“Thank you.” Elizabeth put on the pelisse,
then pinned the reticule to it. It had been a long time since breakfast.

On their return to the gentlemen,
Elizabeth blushed at the sight of Darcy donning a very familiar greatcoat. Had
it been only three months since she had felt its weight around her shoulders?

Darcy’s eyes raked her from head to foot.
“That is a very becoming pelisse, Miss Elizabeth.” As if he had not seen it
constantly for three days!

This walk seemed destined to raise many
memories.

***

Although the cliff steps were neither
overly steep nor uneven, Darcy took pleasure in the opportunity to offer
Elizabeth his assistance whenever possible. The pressure of her hand on his
provided a taste of the contact he had been craving, and he was sorry to
relinquish it when they reached the shingle beach. Still, it was a joy to watch
Elizabeth peering around her, taking in the scenery, touching the chalk cliff
with her gloved fingertips, picking up and inspecting one of the flint pebbles
making up the beach.

She turned her bewitching smile on him. “I
had not realized the waves would move so quickly. And the foam! Is it not
beautiful?”

“Very beautiful,” he agreed, admiring the
sparkle in her eyes, as bright as the sunlight reflecting off the many-hued
water.

“If the cove is more lovely than this, I
cannot wait to see it!”

He gathered his courage. “Miss Elizabeth,
may I be so bold as to ask you a question?”

“You may certainly ask; whether I shall
answer will depend on the question.” She sounded amused, but he could feel the
sudden tension radiating from her.

“The second letter you wrote me, the one I
never received. What did it say?”

Her smile faltered. “The general gist was
that you had been correct about the consequences to my reputation from our
little adventure. Then I spent quite some time dwelling on how very much I
disliked having to admit I was wrong. I gave you the direction of my uncle’s
house in London, which is where my father sent me to avoid the gossip.”

“You were
there
?” All that time he
had been hunting for her and worrying, and she had been right under his nose?
“I had persuaded Miss Bingley’s coachman to give me the address, but I never
even thought to ask for you, since all I knew was your sister was visiting
them. Had I only known…”

“It would have done you no good. I have
made inquiries, and the reason my uncle told you Jane was no longer there was
to prevent you from discovering my presence. Apparently he assumed you planned
to take advantage of my vulnerable position. It did not occur to him your
intentions might be honorable.”