Always Summer (38 page)

I charge
down the hall, to my ‘studio’, I slam the door… I yell!
 
And I yell!
 
And I yell!

I tear off
my shirt, and topless I begin to gather my paints and a canvas.

I paint…

I paint out my pain…

I paint for
hours!

I don’t
wait for the picture to dry… it is not art… it is pain!
 
I have purged it, and now I need to get rid
of it.
 
This pain does not belong in my
life… it does not belong here with
Summer
and I…
It does not belong!

I grab the
pain and storm out of the room.
 
The
candle is at its end… Summer remains, empty on the floor… I briefly attend to
her to be sure she is still breathing… she looks dead!

She
breathes, she has a pulse, but her hollow eyes remain on the fading candle;
never blinking, like a fragile china dolls’ eyes… all glass and no substance.

I grab the
lighter I used for the candle; I hasten through the front door of our
apartment… down the stairs, out into the snow and away from the buildings.

I light up
my intense and searing pain and drop it to the ground.
 
I watch it burn… the oils ignite with ease.

I watch it burn!

Somewhere
in my mind it registers that I am cold… yet still I watch it all burn… burn
away.

I am
satisfied only when ashes remain… it all burned away fast… I think.

I return to
the apartment… light another candle, grab a blanket and two pillows off our bed
and lie next to
Summer
on the floor.

She doesn’t
move…

I hold her
regardless.

Summer.

The funeral
was on Friday, 27th January.
 
We’d found
her on the Wednesday; she hadn’t been to work... I got the call after Mom went
to see her after Sally’s work reported her as having missed another shift. I
was going to stay with her this weekend.
 
I have an ultrasound on Monday.

I’m unable to comprehend this... this pain is
unyielding... I’m dying... but my babies... I can’t give up... I can’t give
up... and I can’t fix the hole in my gaping chest!
 
Why did you think I didn’t need you?

Blake.

Motherfucker!
 
What’s he doing here?

I’m
enraged... My wife had been sitting in complete and utter despair, and then
confusion flittered across her face.
 
I
followed her gaze, and I saw Henry.

I now see
Max... he’s reacting.
 
I see Debbie...
try to pull him back.
 
I see Max knock
Debbie’s hand aside.

He’s
stalking directly toward him, and his face is murderous.
 
This dark skinned man makes anger look
utterly terrifying.

I jump up
and run across to join in... I want to decimate this cock sucker too!

*

Max
absolutely cracked one across Henry’s jaw, before I even got there.
 
Not bad!
 
It knocked Henry to the floor.

I managed
to get Max to momentarily back off.

Henry stood
up... he was babbling about how sorry he was... how confused he’d been... how
scared about forever he’d been... and how he’d planned on returning this week
coming.

I did a
double take... Holding back a screaming, swearing and murderous Max, I still
heard Henry quietly say he’d loved her, had broken up with his other chick and
was planning on returning to Sally.

One of
Sally’s workmates, a big guy, was now holding Max back.
 
He didn’t realize I had designs on this
fucker too... He should’ve held me back instead.

“Too fucking late cunt!”
I shout, just before I knock him out and someone goes to Henry’s aid,
shouting out for 911.

*

The cops
are here now... Nobody’s talking, but someone is bound to say something soon.

Debbie has
taken
Summer
to the bathroom.

Max steps
up to me...

“It was
me!” he growls.

“What?” I’m
sporting busted knuckles... but so is he.

“It was me
who knocked him out!” Max hisses, so only I can hear.

“No fucking
way man... I’ll take the blame... it’s my stupid fault!” I respond.

Max isn’t
playing around... he grabs the front of my shirt and wrenches me to him... all
fury.

“It...
Was... Me!” he growls.
 
“You need to look
after my daughter and grandchildren.
 
Do
me a favor! Let me have this!” He looks in my eyes... he’s broken... “Please.”
He croaks.

“Okay.” I
agree.
 
He smoothes my shirt... smiles at
me and pats my shoulder before he goes over to the cops and hands himself in.

*

The weekend
was weird... we were staying with Debbie while Max was in the lock up for
grievous bodily harm.
 
My Dad’s a
solicitor... he’s organized the best guy from his firm to represent Max, since
Elspeth is all corporate and business law.
 
But all weekend Max has been held, pending this charge... we’re not sure
how they’re able to keep him, but apparently he wants to be there... he’s
cooling down and needs distance.

But what
made things really weird was the women... amazingly, despite their initial
reaction... Summer and Debbie were both beginning to cheer up.

Summer told
me that it was because Sally got justice... that Henry got what was coming to
him.
 
They keep replaying that moment in
their conversations... applauding Max and I.
 

Summer is
warming up again, after the shittiest week on record.
 
She turned to me on the Saturday night and
asked me to make love to her... I did... it was healing.

She did the
same on the Sunday night, except she didn’t ask, she just began kissing me in
bed, until I got turned on; and then, she proceeded to climb on my lap and fuck
me, until I took control of the situation and things got more strenuous.
 
I made her come... twice.
 
Admittedly, I had to muffle her cries and
mine by kissing her through them.

After
connecting on that deeper level... she cried.

“Summer...
I love you... tell me what to do?” I asked her.

“You’re
doing it.” She said, wiping her face.

“Okay...
 
Did I make you feel better?” I asked.

Then
unexpectedly, she giggled.

“Summer?”
I asked.

She laughed
with her head on my chest... her hand in mine.
 
She looked up at me.

“When you
smashed Henry in the face... that’s when you did the right thing and made it
all better.
 
What you just did then...
always makes me feel better.” She smiled.

“Really?
 
I mean, you’re really happy about the other
day?” I questioned.

“
Abso
-fucking-
lutely
!” she
confirmed.
 
“That’s why Mom feels better
too.
 
We’re so proud of you guys.
 
You both made it all better.
 
Even if things will never
be perfect.”

Summer.

The men had
made it better... not perfect, since I was still frozen in grief... but it was
decidedly bearable after what had happened.

It was
Monday 30th January - Blake and I were heading home after our ultrasound.
Classes had already begun last week, but with the week being the way it had
been, we’d missed everything after Wednesday’s call.

My Mom (
God
, I would never get over saying that)
was expecting my Dad (sigh) to return later.

We had
decided to find out if at all possible the sex of the babies.
 
I was hoping for one of each... Blake was
hoping they were both girls.

I guess we
both got it wrong.

“Mr. and
Mrs. Austen... from what I can tell, you are having two boys.” The radiologist
said.

“Are you
sure?” Blake asked.
 
He was scrutinizing
the images.

“See this?”
the lady pointed. “That’s a scrotum.” She smiled.
 
“And this here is another...”

“Scrotum!”
Blake interrupted, but he was smiling.

“Are you
disappointed?” I asked.
 
I sounded like
I’d been crying… because I had.
 
I would
suddenly and unexpectedly burst into tears at any given moment.
 
It hadn’t even been a week.

“Of course
not!” he answered.
 
“I should’ve known
there was only ever going to be one of you... You broke the mold.” He chuckled
and I rolled my eyes... he was so corny!

I smiled...
“The first born boy should have Sal as his middle name.” I croaked.

Blake
stopped and looked at me... “Okay!” he said softly, leaning in to kiss me.
 
“Sal then.”

“Short for
Salvation... you know, Sal is short for salvation?” I said, wiping a tear from
my cheek.

“You suck
at naming...” Blake said giving me an incredulous look, attempting to make me
smile. “You can’t make it Salvation... he’ll hate it as he grows up.”

“No,
silly...
we’ll
know its short for
that... but it will just be Sal on his birth certificate, like a 1920’s
prohibition gangster!” I smiled... it was a done deal.

“Great...
he’ll be a criminal thug!” Blake joked.

*

It took me
months to feel right again, but even then I missed my sister… my friend and my
protector… I talked to her almost every day.
 
Despite not believing in religion, I had to believe that somewhere, her
soul was listening.

It helped
that I had Blake, the boys growing inside me, and an extended family that
wouldn’t leave me alone.

Time… I
needed time!

Blake.

Dropping
off
Summer
at the MacFarlane house was difficult; it
meant that I was leaving her for the week.
 
We were at 36 weeks pregnant, and we had been told the babies could come
at any time from now.
 
I would be gone
all week till the following Saturday night with my art exhibition in Tribeca,
at the independent boutique gallery my lecturer had connections with; and I was
staying in New York to be in attendance.
 
We had reasoned that it wasn’t so far to return if she did go into
labor.

Summer’s
pregnancy had been going well, although she worried about any stretch marks;
and so, much her beauty regime had focused on body butter concoctions that she
managed to get me to massage into her.
 
She looked heavy for sure, but I marveled at the changes... she was so
God Damned beautiful!

We’d
completed our first year of college with decent marks... I had secured a
further scholarship... which was necessary, since the babies were sure to add
quite a lot of expense to our household.
 
Summer had struggled more than I, but she still passed.
 
She did quite well in her favourite subjects
though.

Summer had
continued her tentative connection with Chloe who turned out, previously
unknown to me, to be a single mother a couple of years older than us; and now
Chloe was a fairly regular visitor, collecting Summer for classes, and sharing
with us her little bruiser of a girl on a regular basis, when visiting our
apartment and talking shop with Summer.
 
Chloe was the ideal friend for
Summer
. Summer
now had someone to bounce her ideas off of for characters... dystopian
societies... crime sequences and romance.
 
Of course Chloe now had this too, amongst talking about children.

My friend
Geoff was still Geoff.
 
He was still my
weekday off,
Xbox
partner!

He was also
cool to go to gym with... although he wasn’t as serious as me.

Now that I
was dragging all the bags inside the house for
Summer’s
stay, I felt apprehension fill me.
 
We
hadn’t really been apart for the last year... apart for a couple of sporadic
days when I couldn’t follow her on location.
 
We’d been through so much this year... horrible things and wonderful
things... I could get whiplash thinking about the events of the last year.
 
Summer was my best friend, my wife and the
mother of my children... I was going to be at a severe loss over the next week.
 
I swallowed down my anxiety and proceeded to
take the bags upstairs, hearing the excited voices of Debbie and Max with their
daughter
coming from the kitchen.