AM13 Outbreak Series (Book 2): Forgotten (20 page)
ALYSSA
The moment comes way before I’m ready for it.
“Still avoiding me, huh?” I glance up to see Emily’s bright blue eyes gazing back at me, fully of unanswered questions and hurt.
“I…I um, I don’t…”I stutter, trying to find a way to dispute her claims, but I can’t. We both know that she’s right. A blush fills my cheeks as I try to find a way to convey the truth. How do I tell her that I’m afraid? That these emotions are too much? I can’t face dealing with them. I don’t know how to admit that Emily blurs all of my vision. I’m in complete and utter awe of her. She’s an obsession that I cannot shake. But I can’t act on my feelings, even if I wanted to. Now just isn’t the time.
Emily lets out a deep sigh; her whole body seems to deflate with it. “Look, I shouldn’t have kissed you.” The words come out stiffly, as if they’re tricky to say. “It was wrong, I know that now. I don’t want it to affect the group, so can we just forget it?” She doesn’t look at me, even once, so I can’t gauge any of her emotions. I don’t know if this is what she really wants, I sense that deep down, there’s a whole lot more she wants to say.
So I nod feebly, knowing this is really the time that I need to speak out and make everything all right again, but my tongue is tied and my throat is dry like sandpaper. I watch her sadly as she turns abruptly and stalks away, wishing dreadfully that I wasn’t a wimp. Wishing that I could do something, anything to turn this whole thing around.
Suddenly my heart starts pounding heavily and my brain goes fuzzy with emotion. My legs start moving before I can stop them, before I can even consider what it is my body’s doing. A hollow feeling in my stomach tells me that if I don’t do this now, then I never will. I’ll lose Emily forever. That feeling alone is more terrifying than accepting emotions that I don’t understand. It’s more frightening than any zombie I’ve ever faced, any horror I’ve endured. I’ve never felt a fear like it.
I grab her shoulder and roughly pull her towards me. I push my lips onto hers, no longer caring about any of my previous ‘rules’ or decisions. This feels right, which means it must
be
right. Yes, we could die tomorrow, so shouldn’t we embrace life now? Of course it’ll hurt if I lose Emily, but at least I’ll have the knowledge that I followed my heart and had something amazing, for however long it lasts. I won’t have regret, and that’s something.
A warm sensation erupts and encloses around us, the rest of the world melts away. An involuntary moan escapes my throat as the kiss deepens. My heart almost bursts from my chest; I never ever want this feeling or this moment to end. This is perfect. It’s amazing.
We break apart, panting for breath and I let out a nervous laugh. I wish I could convey my apology with my eyes. I try to communicate that I was acting crazy and it won’t happen again. I don’t know if the message is received, but Emily finally looks happy. She looks relaxed. In this moment, all of her previous strange moods become clear. They were all my fault, my constant rejections burned her deeply. I didn’t even realise I was doing it. I lean forward again, pursing my lips. I don’t know how to
say
what I mean, I don’t have the right words within me, but I can show Emily how much she means to me. I can make up for my mistakes with actions.
* * *
The next morning, I awaken with a huge grin on my face. Last night was simply amazing, it was monumental. Emily is so beautiful; having her body tangled with mine all through the night was remarkable. I’ll never be able to experience anything so wonderful again. I look down at her blonde hair sweeping across my chest and sigh with contentment. I’m in love. I’m one hundred percent, definitely in love. Or at least lust. Either way, it feels exhilarating.
My bladder forces me to move way before I want to. I tiptoe quietly out of the room, pulling on an oversized man’s t-shirt that was left behind here as I go. As I wander down the halls, I try to keep my face straight. I want to look innocent. I don’t want anyone to know what happened between me and Emily. I want it to be our little secret, at least for now. Constant scrutiny always ruins things, especially as one of the people who is bound to show a lot of interest is Sarah, Emily’s mum.
I bump into Pete as I emerge from the bathroom. He looks strange; green, sweaty, and panicky. I grab hold of him as he almost falls to the ground. He tries to talk to me for a while, but his words are garbled and make no sense. I force him to drink cool water until he’s calmed down enough to tell me what’s going on. The worry never leaves his expression, the whole time he speaks.
“I need to get out of here, Alyssa. I need to go on a supply run or something. I can’t just stay here where Randy died. I need a break from this place. Just a few hours. Anything.” I’m absolutely stunned. I had no idea that Randy’s death had affected Pete so badly. I didn’t know he cared enough about any of us to feel this way. His grief is making him act crazy. “I can’t just…sit and—”
“Okay, okay, Pete,” I interrupt quickly. “I’ll go with you. I’ll come out with you when you decide to leave.” I know this mission is unnecessary and dangerous, but sometimes you just have to do something, however little it makes sense. I understand his irrational need; sometimes this apocalyptic life feels claustrophobic. I’m not about to let Pete do something stupid by himself while he’s vulnerable. “I’ll do it, Pete, but the earliest we can go is tomorrow, not today. You aren’t well; you’re not yourself at the moment. So tomorrow, if you still want to go, we will. Okay? You need to calm yourself down first, get yourself back on track.”
He nods, grateful that I didn’t immediately shoot his insane idea down. He goes off to his bed, reassuring me that he will sleep, and I watch him leave, deeply worried about his state of mind. I didn’t tell Pete the whole truth. I also don’t want to leave until tomorrow because I’m not quite ready to be separated from Emily yet. I want to cling to this happiness for a little while longer before I’m forced onto a fool’s errand.
Emily is awake when I walk back into my room. She has the sheets draped around her and her bed head makes her look sexier than ever. I take in a deep breath before telling her about the exchange I just had with Pete. She riles up with immediate fury and I kiss her hard to stop her rant before it can even begin.
“Em, I doubt it’ll even happen. Tomorrow Pete will have forgotten all about it. Just don’t worry about it, okay?” She looks doubtful, but thankfully lets the subject drop.
I knew Emily wouldn’t understand Pete’s need to get out as much as I do. We’re cut from the same cloth. Me and Pete silently just ‘get’ each other. Instead of trying to explain, I spend the rest of the day ensuring that we continue the wonderful time that we’ve been having, now our feelings are out in the open. Of course, we make a separate appearance to meals and for our chores, neither of us ready to go public with our newly found relationship, but every spare moment we find is spent together, alone.
When the night rolls around, we cuddle up in my bed again. Emily’s arms are wrapped around my neck and her nose is touching mine, so we are breathing in each other’s breath. I’m just staring at her beautiful features as she sleeps soundly, trying to live in the moment. But I can’t stop my mind worrying about what the next day will hold. Despite my reassurances, I know Pete will still want to go and I’m just a bit worried. Now I have someone to live for, the pressure to survive is so much higher. It’s everything I feared it would be. It’s exactly why I attempted to avoid anything like this happening, although now it has, I don’t regret it at all.
I push my lips softly down onto Emily’s, being careful not to wake her, as I say a silent goodbye.
Just in case.
DR. JONES
April 18
th
9:25 a.m.
This is it. The end. It’s arrived at last. The moment is here. Everything is over. Finally this nightmare is done. It’s time for the plan to begin. The moment I’ve been waiting for. I feel…I don’t know how I feel, really. The anticipation is heightening all of my senses. I guess I just feel weird. I suppose that’s the only word for it.
Weird. Strange. Odd. Bizarre. Peculiar. Unusual.
I’ve been pacing around the room for the last hour or so, looking at all of my equipment and do you know what? I’m going to miss it. Can you fucking believe how crazy I’ve become?! I’m in the middle of the fucking war to end everything, and I’m getting sentimental over a few
fucking test tubes
.
I’ve lost my freaking mind. This room has been nothing but awful for me. It’s been my own personal torture chamber; it’s where all of my worst nightmares have come true. It’s hell, full of demons, and I feel a weird sadness at leaving it behind.
I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I can’t even remember who I am. Is that weird or what? Fuck it, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I
don’t matter anymore. None of us do. This isn’t about us anymore; it’s about making things better for others.
Jason is nearing his demise. The inevitable is happening. I’m too concerned with the plan now to be as sad as I should be. He looks a complete and utter God damn mess, to be honest. I’ve never seen him look so bloody awful. AM13 doesn’t suit him at all.
At all.
I think he’s more excited than me about the oncoming onslaught. He’s bloodthirsty, I can see it. It’s terrifying and compelling all at the same time. I would look at him scientifically, but I really don’t care anymore. He wants to kill and maim and I want the same from him. That’s all that matters anymore.
I look at him and laugh. I don’t know why I do that because inside I’m silently crying. I mean, how am I really supposed to feel?! I’m upset because I want to feel the human sadness, but I can’t. I’m numb and void. I’ve become solely focused on this plan. This war.
Ashley’s dead to me now. I can look at her. I can see her. If I want to, I can touch her, but she’s gone. She’s dead. She was no longer alive from the second she was brought in here, but I just didn’t know how to accept it. I mean, how are you supposed to come to terms with any of this? My wife, my marriage, my life has been stripped away from me. These fucking evil monsters have taken it all! I’m going to make them pay and I’m going to love every God damn second of their pain. They deserve to feel what I have, what we all have.
Maybe I’m bloodthirsty too. I certainly can’t wait to see their limbs ripped violently from their bodies. Their screams will fill me with a morbid satisfaction. This
has
to happen to them. They
need
this as much as I do. I’m saving every single person whose trapped here under the fucking dictatorship of this psycho bastards.
None of it makes any sense!!! What the fuck did I do to deserve it?
Any of it.
5:35 p.m.
It’s time.
It’s happening. Jason has just told me that he’s ready to go. He’s actually finally ready for this to happen. Much as I’d prepared myself, when the moment arrives, I panics lightly. A whole range of unsuspecting emotions run through me, but I push all of that aside. Now isn’t the time to start ‘feeling’ things. I’m just about to get Kevin and John ready to go. I said thank you to them. I think they understood. They looked at me like they did. But who knows? Maybe I’m imagining things. I’m probably just completely mental now.
Maybe the whole thing isn’t real. Maybe I’m going to wake up in a minute, Ashley next to me, cuddling in to me. Melody in the next room, sound asleep. This whole thing a nightmare.AM13 is some messed up dream. The Lockdown, the laboratory just some mad construct of my imagination.
No, I’m not that lucky. I’m living in this nightmare. It’s been thrust upon me. However much I want it to disappear, it isn’t going to. I can’t keep getting confused between fact and fiction. I don’t even know if I am getting confused
—
that’s how messed up my mind is. Everything is fuzzy. Except the plan, that’s the only crystal clear thing I can focus on.
This report started out as a scientific research into the AM13 virus, but turned into some Dear Diary shit along the way. Sorry for that, whoever is reading this. If anyone ever reads this. I hope that someone does, there is some useful stuff in here, I’m sure of it. It tells a lot of truths anyway. If you can sift through all of the crap, I’m sure you’ll find something.
I don’t really want to be just remembered for what I’m about to do, more for what I’ve done
—
the progress towards a cancer cure, the details about the AM13 virus. But they’ve done unspeakable things to my family. They’ve probably done unspeakable things to everyone. I hope that’s understood, I hope that point gets across, even if nothing else does. I hope people understand why this necessary step had to be taken. I know I’m right, I know this is the right thing to do, even if no one else does understand. Even if I’m viewed as the villain forever.
No, that can’t happen. That would be so unfair. Revenge is the only answer. What else would teach them, how else will they learn? No one else is brave enough to do what me and my team of Jason, Kevin, and John are doing. We’re the heroes. Maybe this is what I was supposed to do all along, it just took me until now to realise it.
These repetitive thoughts keep going over and over in my mind. Have I written all of them down? Am I repeating myself? Who knows?
The main point is, these fuckers need to die, and this is where it’s going to happen. I guess it’s time to say ‘goodbye cruel world.’
Or maybe a big
‘Fuck you’
would work better.
Everyone gets what they deserve; everything works out the way it’s supposed to. Doesn’t it?
I can’t start considering if I’m right or wrong. It’s too late.
Anyway, I am right. I am.
It’s time.
It’s time.
It’s time.
It’s time—