Amanda (23 page)

This is ridiculous. I should not be doing this.

He probably wouldn’t be at the waterfall anyway. Just because he’d ridden up this way … And if he
was
there, what kind of reception did she really expect from him?

The harsh words Ben had flung at her more than a week before still ached in her. For hours after he had left her in the garden, she had been sure she hated him. But then that night, Jesse had talked of changing his will, and it seemed to Kate that her whole world was built on unsteady ground.

It hadn’t gotten better.

The only thing in her life that had never been complicated was sex. That was why she felt this longing for Ben, of course. He could make her forget everything else. He could make her feel like a woman worth something, a woman who meant something to a man —if only as a bedmate.

Or, at least, he could if he would.

Kate was more than a little puzzled at herself for this urge to repair her relationship with Ben. There were, after all, other men available who would welcome sex for its own sake. Why not find herself another lover? Kate was not vain, but finding willing lovers had never been difficult, and she didn’t expect it would be this time. So, why didn’t she?

She had never let herself get close enough to any man for the loss of him to hurt her—or even disturb her. In fact, she seldom knew much about her lovers beyond their skill and the way their bodies felt against hers. She had never needed to know more. They had
been names connected to faces and adept hands and male bodies. They had not, really, been people to her. She had never been interested in their thoughts or feelings, only in the physical sensations she could rouse in their bodies and they could rouse in hers.

She had never let herself …
personalize
sex.

But Ben … Something had happened with Ben. Something that frightened her, and yet drew her irresistibly. Ben had the power to hurt her as easily as he pleased her. Ben had discovered where she was most vulnerable, and had not hesitated to strike her there when she had insulted—when she had
hurt
him.

It hadn’t been an easy thing to accept, this longing for Ben. Not for a male body or a pair of skilled hands or the simple relief and release of orgasm. For
Ben.
For the feeling of his muscles moving under her hands, and his silky hair trickling through her fingers, and his hard hips between her thighs. For the sound of his voice husky in desire, and the way he whispered her name, and his guttural groan of satisfaction. For his eyes gleaming down at her in a smile of understanding that made her ache …

It had gone beyond desire, what she felt. It had become, now, a kind of force, a thing with a strength and will all its own, tormenting her body and filling her thoughts until nothing else seemed real. She had tried to withstand it, telling herself it was only a momentary insanity. For days, she had stayed away from the stables and avoided any possibility of encountering Ben, and assured herself that she didn’t miss him.

Not at all.

So … here she was not long after dawn on Monday morning riding along the north trail toward the waterfall. Because Ben had ridden one of his young horses up this way a bit earlier. Here she was following him, tense and scratchy-eyed after a virtually
sleepless night and the lonely, storm-prompted establishment of a tentative peace with Amanda—something she was still very unsure of.

With precious few defenses left to her, here she was.

Kate almost turned back when she faced that terrifying fact; her horse, attuned to her, actually stopped on the trail. But she lifted the reins and murmured, “No. Go on.” And Sebastian went on obediently.

A long curve in the trail brought them to a clearing where one of several streams on Glory’s land tumbled down the steep mountainside and threw itself over a granite precipice to splash into a rocky pool some fifteen feet below. The rush of water was resonant in the morning quiet, but peaceful as well.

Kate didn’t really hear it, and she didn’t really see it. All she saw was Ben.

He had dismounted from his young horse, and had tethered it to a sapling and loosened the girth, obviously resting the animal after the long climb up the north trail. Then he had seated himself on a broad, flattened boulder at the pool’s edge, and was gazing broodingly at the waterfall.

Kate looked at him hungrily. He wore his usual jeans rather than jodhpurs, and scuffed black knee-high riding boots. His white shirt was unbuttoned at his throat, the long sleeves rolled back over tanned forearms. His blond hair fell over his brow, thick and a little shaggy. She loved his hair. It was like silk.

She might have sat there on her still horse for God knows how much longer just staring at him, but Ben’s young horse greeted Sebastian eagerly then, and the piercing sound brought Ben’s head around swiftly.

He looked at her, not surprised. Not, she thought, anything at all, at least that she could tell. His expression was closed, giving away nothing. His eyes were flat, reflecting only the light of the morning.

Kate hesitated a moment, unsure, damnably unsure. What if she dismounted and tied her horse and walked over to him—and he got on his horse and rode away? What if he ignored her? That would be worse, if he ignored her, because he knew too well how deeply it hurt her to be ignored. She would much rather he said something cruel to her, or laughed at her for her desperate, pathetic need for him. Much rather.

Coming to him like this.
Following
him, for God’s sake.

She hated this. She
hated
it.

Stiffening her resolve but conscious of an inner tremor, Kate dismounted and tied Sebastian near Ben’s horse. She walked slowly across the clearing, dressed much as he was but in riding breeches rather than jeans and wearing a pale blue blouse. Her hair was, very atypically, loose about her shoulders and held back away from her face with a casual barrette.

Ben watched her approach, and said nothing.

She had tried to think of something nonchalant and meaningless to say. That was what she should have done, of course, just pretending that their last meeting in the garden had not ended as it had—or pretending that she didn’t care how it had ended. That was what she wanted to do. Because it was only sex between them, it
was
, and therefore feelings didn’t enter into it.

“Did you want something, Kate?”

She wanted to hit him.

“You aren’t going to make this easy for me, are you?” she demanded with sudden resentment.

“Make what easy for you?”

“This. Coming to you like this.”

Ben turned a little more toward her and wrapped his arms loosely around upraised knees. His expression was still unrevealing. “Is that what you’re doing?

Coming to me? Why would you want to do that? I was under the impression that we were finished.”

“We are!” But she didn’t move, didn’t turn away.

Ben looked at her and waited. Patiently.

“you’re a son of a bitch, Ben.”

He smiled slightly. “And you’re repeating yourself, Kate.”

“I hate you.”

“Still repeating yourself.”

“You had no right to—to say what you did.”

“Which part? When I asked why I couldn’t spend the night with you? When I said I wanted more? Or when I told you Jesse didn’t care how many men you slept with?”

“All of it. You—you had no right.”

“Then we’re definitely finished.” His eyes hardened. “I’ll say it one last time, Kate. I’m not a toy. I have been, for more than six months, your lover.
That
gives me rights. It gives me the right to sleep in your bed from time to time, and to expect you to sleep in mine. It gives me the right to walk beside you in public. It gives me the right to expect to be treated like a human being. And it gives me the right to tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it.”

She shook her head a little blindly. “you’re asking too much.”

“I’m not asking, Kate. I’m demanding. From now on, we’re public all the way—or we’re nothing.”

Kate braced her shoulders. “And then? If—if I say yes?”

“Then we have a normal, healthy relationship. We get to know each other. We spend time together with our clothes on. Maybe even go out to dinner and a movie. But it won’t be
just
sex anymore. Not ever again.”

“I can’t,” she told him raggedly.

“Then leave.” His eyes remained hard, his face impassive. “Get on your horse and get out of here. Go find yourself a toy.”

She intended to turn away. Wanted to.

Couldn’t.

Her shoulders slumped, and Kate felt hot tears burn her eyes. “Damn you,” she said. “Damn you, Ben.”

She didn’t see him move, but suddenly he was there, his arms around her, and she heard a little moan of incredible relief escape her. She was beyond being embarrassed by it.

“God, you’re stubborn,” he muttered, kissing her fiercely. “I’ve been waiting for days.”

She felt his fingers tangle in her hair, and nearly purred. “You could have come to me.”

“No. You had to come to me. It was your call.” He kissed her again, then framed her face in his hands and looked at her with eyes that weren’t flat anymore, eyes that were alive. “Katie, I’m sorry I told you about Jesse like that. You needed to know—but not like that.”

“Maybe that’s exactly how I needed to hear it.” She glided a finger across his bottom lip, fascinated by the texture. Something so soft on such a hard man; it was remarkable. It was enthralling. “What you said was so —so naked I couldn’t pretend anymore. I had to face it. I didn’t have Jesse. I never had him.”

“you’re fine without Jesse,” Ben assured her huskily. “Perfect without him.”

She kissed him suddenly. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I never really believed you wanted money.”

“I only want you,” he said. “God help me. Just my luck to fall for a woman more maddening than a Chinese puzzle. I must be out of my mind.”

“I’m too old for you,” she whispered.

“Shut up. Idiot. I love you.”

Kate didn’t know what she would have said to that astonishing revelation if he’d given her a chance to say anything. But he didn’t. She was swept up into arms strong enough to carry even a big woman with effortless ease, and a moment later she found herself on a reasonably comfortable grassy bed in a patch of sunlight near the pool.

Even though it was not a particularly private spot (riders tended to use this trail once or twice a day) and they would have little warning if anyone approached, it wasn’t enough for either of them to simply remove what was necessary in order to have each other. It wasn’t something they said aloud, it was something both of them knew.

For the first time, their hunger was tempered by humor and a kind of playfulness that was new to them. And they took their time, as if they had all they’d ever need. Every kiss and touch was lingering, intense with desire and yet lazy, sweet. Stubborn buttons and zippers roused chuckles, and the awkward removal of close-fitting riding boots provoked outright laughter.

When they finally lay naked together in the morning sunlight, humor and playfulness alike fled. As it always did between them, desire exploded, too powerful to control. In this, they knew each other very, very well. There was no hesitation, no questioning, no awkwardness. There was only passion that spiraled higher and higher until it carried them far beyond themselves.

“We’ll get burned,” Kate said idly.

“Neither of us ever burns,” Ben replied. He swept one hand down over her hip and rubbed her upper
thigh gently. It lay across his thigh and she cuddled close to his side. “But we might end up embarrassed,” he added dryly. “there’s a training run scheduled for this trail sometime this morning.”

She lifted her head and looked down at him. “Oh, lovely.”

He smiled when she made no effort to move, but then said, “I forgot again.”

He meant he’d forgotten to put on a condom, she knew. Kate was grave. “Did you forget before? In the garden? I wondered.”

Ben hesitated, then shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I let myself forget because you were always so adamant about it. Maybe I wanted it to be different with us, at least that one time.”

She touched his face. “Maybe that’s why I forgot, too.”

“Still—it was careless of us.”

“I know. But I’m on the pill, so we don’t have to worry about that. And we’re both healthy.”

His arm tightened around her reassuringly. “Perfectly healthy. Do you want kids, Katie?”

She was a little startled by the abrupt question, but answered seriously. “I don’t know. It’s … it’s a little late for me anyway. I’m forty, Ben.”

“Idiot,” he said, as he’d said before. “Women have babies in their fifties these days. What does it matter as long as you’re ready to be a parent?”

“I don’t know if I am.”

He smiled and pulled her head down so that he could kiss her briefly. “I don’t know if I am either. But it’s something to think about.”

Cautiously, she said, “Are we … going in that direction?”

“it’s something to think about,” he repeated. She was silent for a moment, just looking at him,
then said uncertainly, “This is going to take some getting used to.”

Ben was amused. “Having a serious lover?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t worry—I’ll give you time to get used to it. I won’t insist we sleep in your bed tonight, or that you invite me to supper tomorrow night.” He brushed a strand of glossy black hair away from her face and turned very serious. “it’s your call, just like coming to me had to be your call. This is your home, Katie, your family. If you want to start slow, fine. We’ll ride back together. We’ll groom the horses together and talk, and not pretend we’re virtual strangers if anyone is watching. And tomorrow, if you feel like it, We’ll ride out together. Maybe We’ll take a picnic lunch. Maybe, by the weekend, We’ll even go out to a movie.”

“Are you really going to be that patient?” she asked.

“Well, for a while.” Ben smiled at her. “As long as we know—you and I—that we’re together, I can wait for everyone else to realize it.”

Kate leaned down to kiss him lingeringly. She was smiling a little, more content than she could remember ever being and yet still uneasy. He was so close, leaving her no defenses at all, and that was a frightening thing.