Amanda's Blue Marine (25 page)

    He yanked open his door at her knock and stood looking at her without comment, several emotions racing across his face in the few seconds they stood confronting each other. At first he looked like he would slam the door, then he looked uncertain, his confusion obvious in his expression. Finally he stood aside and motioned her past him resignedly, saying nothing.

"Kelly, I want to explain about last night," Mandy began rapidly, trying to engage his attention before his mood swung back to mutiny again.

He shook his head. "There's nothing to explain. I got the message. You made your decision. I realized that when I sat outside your building until 3AM and I still hadn't heard from you." He ran his fingers through his damp hair, and she saw that his hand was shaking. He had shaved, but there were nicks in his chin and deep shadows under his eyes. He had thrown on faded jeans and an old T shirt after his shower. A towel was draped around his neck. The scent of soap still hung in the air and she saw glistening droplets clinging to his nape, but despite his ablutions he still looked like he'd had a bad night. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips looked dry and flaky, as if he were dehydrated.

It really wasn't possible for him to look bad, but this was the worst she had ever seen him look. He had seemed tired at the hospital after the Cameron episode, but now he looked utterly exhausted. And defeated. And alone.

"Kelly, please listen..."

He shrugged. "To what, Amanda? You don't have to lay it all out for me. I'm not dense. I kissed you once in a deserted ballroom and declared undying love and expected you to throw over your whole future, your father’s marina mogul plans and your wedding to Mr. Perfect, for me. It was a ridiculous assumption on my part and all I did was look stupid and embarrass you. The idea of getting with me sounded good as long as you were WITH me, if you know what I mean. You considered it briefly while under the spell of my...uh... influence, but once you got away from me reality intruded again. Your mother got to you, your brother blew another million dollars, Henderson threatened to trash his deal with your father. Something changed your mind again. Clearly, I overestimated the long term impact of my charm." He smiled thinly and pulled the towel off his neck, tossing it onto a chair. He padded barefoot across the room and into the tiny kitchen, where he opened the refrigerator.

"Want a beer?" he called back to her over his shoulder.

Mandy sighed. "It's 7AM, Kelly ," she said.

"So what? Hair of the dog. My one night fling with Jameson's appears to be over anyway, so this is just a chaser." He took a large slug and set the can down on the counter smartly, then turned to face her.

"Jameson's?" she said.

"Irish whisky, darlin'. The potent potion I used to drown my sorrows when my lady fair chose the wrong guy. Or the tiger. Whatever. You’ve never heard of Jameson's? Did you grow up in a convent? Oops, you did. Sorry." He grinned humorlessly, his beautiful teeth showing whitely against his lightly tanned skin.

Mandy watched him warily, desperate to get through to him but unsure how to dispel his hostile, sarcastic mood. She had never seen him act like this before and it unnerved her.

As if he had read her mind he said mildly, "What's the matter, Red? Having second thoughts about dumping me to spend the evening with the Congressman? Things not go as planned? Was he a little pissed about your yen for the boy in blue? Well, he won the day anyway. You stayed with him and I wound up crashing in Mike's basement at 3:30 AM with the bottle for company. Didn't know a thing until his wife woke me a few hours later with a cup of coffee, a fizzy seltzer, and an ice pack. You could have eloped with the Iraqi army and I wouldn't have cared." He picked up the can again and took another drink.

Mandy moved a few steps closer to him and said quietly, "I had to stay for a while, Kelly. I had to stay with Tom and my parents and explain everything to them. I owed them that much.”

“And were they thrilled to hear what you had to say?” Kelly demanded.

“Tom was really upset.”

Kelly's blue-green eyes widened. They looked very pale, striking in his sun browned face, but his angry expression belied their beauty.

"HE was upset?" Kelly countered incredulously. "By the time I left your parking lot I was one blip away from climbing a clock tower with a sniper's rifle."

"Kelly, please," Mandy said miserably.

He held up his hand. "Look, it all made sense this morning when I sobered up and took the time to think about it rationally. You're a nice girl, Mandy, you never meant to hurt anybody. You want to please your parents because you’re grateful to them. They gave you everything and you owe everything to them. Henderson is their choice and you were willing to go along with it until you met me. I know that. You had a sweet, sensible, prosperous future all laid out with him and everybody was happy with it. Your parents, the Congressman, his tax accountant, your estate planner, everybody. I'm the monkey wrench who flew into the machinery when the unexpected happened and we were thrown together during the Cameron thing. My mistake was in thinking that our connection then meant more than it did, that I could parlay that into something else, something more, and you don't really want that. It's too different and risky and scary for you. You really like groping me, I got that message, but your sex drive only holds your attention for so long. When you get away from me you want to return to safe, boring, fiscally sound Henderson and pick out the drapes and plan the honeymoon in Cancun. "

"That's ridiculous, “Amanda said, insulted. “Would I be here right now if I wanted that?"

"Sure you would. Your image of yourself won't let you dump me like garbage and walk away, just like you couldn't dump Henderson easily for me. But my mojo only operates when you're with me. It's an overwhelming physical pull and you can't resist it. When you're near me you want to jump me so badly that's all that matters to you, it's all you can think about or remember from one moment to the next. I know exactly how that feels because you have the same effect on me. What holds you is what you can see and taste and touch and smell..." He paused dramatically. "You really like how I smell, as I recall." His lower lip curled.

Mandy stared at him, her face flaming, stung.

"That’s low," she finally replied quietly. "I said that in a vulnerable moment when I felt so close to you and now you're going to smack me with it?"

He shot her a sidelong glance then looked away again quickly, but not before she saw the depth of his pain in his eyes.

He wasn't trying to humiliate her. He was heartbroken.

Now she felt even worse. She was handling this all wrong. She had come to straighten everything out, to make things right, and she was botching it badly.

"Kelly, please give me a moment to explain, " she pleaded. She sounded shrill, even to herself.

He wiped the tip of his nose with the back of his hand. "No. You're going to listen to me first. I know what's been happening. I've watched you battle yourself over this ever since you met me. You can't make up your mind whether you want me in bed or Henderson ordering Chateau whatever '96 at Pirro's with your proud parents taking pictures. You can’t have both and still respect yourself so you have an unsolvable problem. When you are away from me my influence drops off and the safe life with Tommy looks more attractive than taking a chance on me.”

“You’re wrong,” Mandy said.

He gestured impatiently to silence her. He wanted to make sure she knew that he understood the situation. She went quiet, deciding to listen. She would have her chance when he was done.

“That's what happened last night after you left me. I wasn't there to raise your hormone levels and so Henderson won." He shook his head sadly. "I can't be with you all the time, Mandy. He will always win, and he knows it. All he has to do is hang in there and wave his platinum credit cards. Sooner or later a couple of hours in the sack with me isn't going to be worth risking your father’s marina or dumping your loser brother. One feeds into the other. So your walk on the wild side with Detective Kelly is over. He was a different taste, sure, but not worth it in the end.”

Mandy was struggling to stay calm. For some reason maintaining her composure under this tongue lashing was very important to her. When he was sweet and tender she could fall apart but she wasn't going to roll over and play dead while he was taking out his frustrations and insecurities with the social divide on her. She didn't invent it, she didn't support it and she wouldn't love him the way she did if she even believed in it.

He walked away from her and then turned to face her, as if he had felt the need to put more distance between them. She watched him run his hands through his hair and then slump, exhaling deeply. He looked deflated suddenly, as if all the fight had gone out of him.

"I shouldn't be flogging you about this," he said finally. "It's my fault, I knew better and got caught up in it anyway."

"Caught up in what?"

"The hostage syndrome, we studied it at the academy. You're a lawyer, I'm sure you covered it in school too. Criminal Psych or some course like that. You were scared, I was helping you..."

"You saved me."

"Whatever. The point is, the situation is temporary, it's not real. The feelings that come out of it are situational too."

"That situation is over. What about last night in the banquet hall?"

He smiled slightly, the first time that morning. "It's no secret that you get me going, Mandy. Like a match and that thing, the tinder thing that fires up easily...."

"Tinder box," she supplied automatically, not liking the direction he was taking.

He nodded. "Last night was goodbye, you were keyed up and emotional, the whole thing got out of control. It shouldn't have surprised me that when you had a chance to calm down and consider what you were doing you changed your mind."

"When did you talk yourself into all of this?" she said, alarmed by this new attitude. Angry Kelly spitting bullets was understandable and a lot less frightening than Kelly flying a white flag, the man she was seeing now.

"I've known it all along. I know that you feel indebted to your parents and would do anything to help them and your brother. I know that Henderson and your father are in bed together on this marina project. I got the picture from the start and understood the whole deal. It's just that every time I saw that long red hair I forgot it."

Mandy refused to panic just because he was finally behaving calmly. He was calm but dead wrong, which wasn't exactly an improvement. She looked at him objectively again for the first time since her arrival and saw the hollows in his cheeks, the reddened eyes, the pallor beneath his tan. He looked drained, hung over, done. The knowledge that she had caused this didn't make her happy. She had to force herself to remain where she was and not go to him and console him.

"Forgot what?" she said, stalling for time while she considered how to reach him.

"That I can't make you commit to me, no matter how much I want it. I can't make you choose me over Henderson, no matter how much I want it. You'll purr every time I touch you but you won't cross that bridge, take that chance...." his voice trailed off and he looked away from her. "Go home, Amanda, we've talked this to death. There's nothing left to say."

Mandy waited a long moment while she searched her mind for the right tactic to use. His surrender was real. He was saying final things. If she wasn't careful this could truly be farewell. She knew that once he had made up his mind he wouldn't go back on it.

"You're mistaken," she finally said softly, deliberately keeping her voice under control. The conversation was sliding downhill but screaming like a fishwife wasn't going to improve it. The fact that she felt like howling made her determined to behave well. She might have lost him forever but his last memory of her wasn't going to be accusations and recriminations.

"Oh yeah?" he said defiantly, like a little kid. "Tell me all about it."

Mandy felt a sudden stab of inspiration. Something in his demeanor signaled her that he really was listening, that he was still holding out some vestige of hope that there was a chance for them if they worked at it. He had folded his arms belligerently but his stance belied his facial expression, which was watchful, expectant.

"Please come and sit here with me, " she said softly, sinking to the sofa and patting the spot next to her. "What I have to say won't take long and if it doesn't make a difference to you I promise I will go away and leave you alone."

He stared at her for a long moment, then sauntered over and dropped onto the divan, his elbows on his knees, his feet splayed out before him like a freshman in detention. He pressed his lips together and waited.

Mandy knew he responded more readily to physical overtures than anything verbal. She put her arms around his neck and when he accepted that passively she said into his ear, "Just let me hold you for a little while," echoing his words from the previous night.

She felt his arms come around her and she relaxed against him. He sighed.

The small apartment was so quiet that she could hear some kids playing in the yard next door, the sound of a heavy truck passing by on the road, and the chugging whisper of the ancient air conditioner in the corner of his living room. She closed her eyes and realized that if she couldn't get him to listen to her in the next few minutes he would be gone forever. He was proud, he felt outgunned by Tom no matter how misguided that opinion was, and after her no-show the previous night he wasn't going to screw around any more. It was make or break time, her last chance.