Read American Freak Show Online
Authors: Willie Geist
American Freak Show (11 page)
P
arenting
magazine continues its celebration of Celebrity Moms Month with our latest installment of “Five Questions for ______.” Today, reality TV star, author, and mother of eight Kate Gosselin dishes about that hair, that ex-husband, and, oh yeah, all those kids.
Parenting
caught up with the busy mom at the star-studded after-party for the new season of
The Biggest Loser.
PARENTING
:
So, how are the kids?
KATE GOSSELIN
: I think they’re doing really well, thanks. We just had a sixth birthday party for the sextuplets at the Viper Room in West Hollywood. It was sponsored by Cîroc vodka and Axe Body Spray. A couple of the girls from
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
stopped by. Dina Lohan was there. It was so awesome. The kids wanted to have one of those super-lame cupcake parties at school with their friends, but thank God my friend Kristin Cavallari from
The Hills
stepped up to throw me the party.
Those six little birthday angels flew out on Joe Francis’s jet and spent most of the night napping in the VIP room with Verne Troyer. They must have been wiped out from having so much fun! Also, it was four a.m. and they’re six years old. Verne drove them home. He’s such a sweetie.
PARENTING
:
Now that you’ve had some time to reflect on the impact
Jon & Kate Plus Eight
had on your family, if you could go back in time, would you invite the TV cameras into your life again?
KG:
Uh, let me think: Yes! If it weren’t for that show, I’d still be a nurse at some s**tbox hospital in Pennsylvania, I’d still be married to Jonny Jerkoff, and I certainly wouldn’t be on a first-name basis with any of the Real Housewives. I’ve noticed that Pennsylvania nurses married to d-bags with no job don’t make it on Barbara Walters’s list of “Most Fascinating People” all that often. The minute I unloaded Daddy Dead Weight, I made the “Most Fascinating” list. No one can ever take that away from me. My only regret is that the cameras didn’t come a few years sooner. I would have dumped Ed Hardy and gone after Mario Lopez a long time ago.
PARENTING
:
But, as you know, our focus is on parenting and the unique challenges every parent faces. Don’t you think it’s difficult to give your children a normal upbringing when their lives are broadcast on national television?
KG:
The children cried when I sat them down last year and told them the show was canceled, okay? They absolutely loved being on TV. I’ll never forgive Jon for taking that piece of their childhood away from them. I mean, the producers and cameramen were like part of the family. Especially Lorenzo, the tan, muscular sound guy—most of the kids called him Daddy because he was so much cooler than their real dad. Also, because Lorenzo often slept in my bed when Jon was passed out down on the couch watching
SportsCenter.
It was so nice finally to share a pillow with a real man. Lorenzo smelled like the leather of a freshly oiled horse saddle.
So, no, the kids probably haven’t had a normal upbringing, but “normal” doesn’t pay the bills. Know what I mean? Just last week, the twins did an appearance at the grand opening of a batting cage back home. Boom! That’s three grand right there! Weekend before that, a bunch of the sextuplets dressed up like the Little Rascals for a bachelor party in Las Vegas—first class travel, a suite at Bally’s, totally comped at the tables, the works. God, I wish I could have been there to see that. Hilarious!
PARENTING
:
Your 6-year-olds went to a bachelor party in Las Vegas? And you weren’t there? Wow. Perhaps we should change the subject. Why do you think people are so fascinated by your hair?
KG:
It’s so funny, I was having lunch at the Cheesecake Factory the other day with JWoWW from
Jersey Shore
and she was like, “Girlfriend, your hair is, like, famous!” It was funny because I had never thought of hair as being famous, but it’s totally true. So I’m like, “Hello! Your hair is way more famous than my hair!” We seriously argued for like 10 minutes about it. Then we crushed some Peanut Butter Cup Fudge cheesecake. Have you ever had that? Uh! So good!
But I’m flattered that people think my hair is cool. Like most busy moms, I don’t have much time to think about the way I look. I mean, I wake up early with the kids, send them to the craft service table for breakfast, and then whatever my round-the-clock hair and makeup team does with my hair in the trailer is the way it looks all day. Who has time?! So if I’m a style icon or whatever—and
In Touch Weekly
did say so in its recent “Hottest Reality Stars” issue—it’s purely by accident. I just think of myself as a regular old mom.
PARENTING
:
Last question: can you name all eight of your children?
KG:
Excuse me? Of course I can. That’s ridiculous. [
laughter
] You seriously expect me to do that for you?
PARENTING
:
Yes, your kids’ names. Many of our readers are expectant parents looking for the perfect name for their new baby. So what are your children’s names? All of them.
KG:
I’m completely offended by your question, but I know what happens if I don’t answer—front-page headline of
OK!
next week says “Kate Doesn’t Know Her Own Kids’ Names!” I’ve played this game before. So here you go. There are the twins, Cara and Mady. Then there’s the big group of six that I always mess up: There’s Alexis, Hannah, uh, then you’ve got, uh, oh, s**t—it’s something weird. I wanna say Aaron, but that’s not it. [
Publicist leans into Gosselin’s ear
.] Aaden! I knew it was an “A.” Then you have, uh, oh Christ, I don’t know—Donny and Marie, and, uh, Tito and LaToya— Hey! Look over there! [
Gosselin points behind reporter. Reporter turns around. Gosselin runs out of the room
.]
Editor’s Note: Next week’s “Five Questions for
______
,” originally scheduled to be with Whitney Houston, has been changed. We could not find her. Instead, Dog the Bounty Hunter talks about balancing kids with the pursuit of fugitives across state lines.
Y
ou are looking at breathtaking aerial pictures of the Democratic People’s Golf and Racquet Club on another beautiful afternoon in Pyongyang, North Korea, home of the 7th Annual Kim Jong-il Celebrity Golf Challenge, right here on CBS . . .”
The slow, drippy piano music fades out and the picture dissolves from the overhead shot of the course to the announcers’ booth. Two Western-looking men wearing blue blazers with the CBS Sports logo stitched onto the pocket sit framed by a pair of Asian men in matching gray suits who are standing with their hands clasped perfectly and staring ahead blankly.
“Hello, friends, I’m Jim Nantz, joined in the booth by my partner, the three-time Masters champion Nick Faldo . . . and by our two government minders, who have been nothing but gracious and patriotic since our arrival here in North Korea. Some say this country is an outpost of tyranny run by a nutty little guy who wears women’s pantsuits from Chico’s. I say . . .” Nantz looks down at his notes, clears his throat, and reads, “Those people are Western imperialists who, mark the words of the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, will suffer grave consequences if they light the fuse of war on the Korean peninsula.”
Nantz exhales and puts the note card to the side. The men in gray suits nod subtly in approval.
“Our aerial coverage is provided as always by a surveillance blimp from the good people at the National Defense Commission of North Korea, who remind you that ‘Someone is always watching.’ ”
“With that, Nick Faldo, we begin another year in what really has become the premiere celebrity golf tournament in the world.”
“There’s no question about it, Jimmy. The players and the celebrities love to come here to Pyongyang every year—mostly, let’s just be honest, because of the outrageous purse for the field. Ten million dollars, a Russian MiG-21 fighter jet, and a newborn baby just for showing up is a little better than what they offer at the John Deere Classic!” Nantz chuckles nervously. Faldo glances over his shoulder at the hovering government agent and then looks down at a note card of his own.
“But they also enjoy the tournament because this is a lovely, peaceful country—nothing like it is portrayed in the West. Just from my short time here I can tell you that the international reports of rampant poverty, violent suppression of opposition, and leadership by a man who died four years ago and now runs the country
Weekend at Bernie’s
–style are completely false and irresponsible.” Faldo takes a deep breath. “Those who continue to perpetuate such falsehoods should prepare to face a firestorm of nuclear retaliation.” Faldo looks up from the card at Nantz.
“Indeed, Nick. Let’s take a look at some of the fascinating groups that’ll be out there on this immaculate course today.
“We begin with our host, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il. He was first off the tee this morning, playing in his handpicked group with the legendary former coach of the Chicago Bears, Mike Ditka, and funnyman Ray Romano. Looks like they’re having some fun out there already. Let’s send it down to our colleague David Feherty with that group just stepping off the tenth green. David?”
“Thanks, Jimmy. I have the good fortune to be here with the Dear Leader himself—” Kim Jong-il jumps in. “David, please, call me Chairman. Or Supreme Commander. My father was the Dear Leader! You’re makin’ me feel old over here.”
Feherty proceeds, “All right, Mr. Supreme Commander, another year, another really first-rate event.”
“Well, first of all, none of this is possible without our sponsors. Let’s be real clear about that. Big shout-out to the gang at Outback Steakhouse. They really stepped up again this year. Uh, State Farm, Bob Sanders and his team over there—can’t say enough about the commitment they’ve made to this event. And I don’t want to congratulate myself too much, but it certainly doesn’t hurt the ol’ bottom line when you peddle outrageous amounts of nuclear material on the international black market as I did this year. What recession, right?”
Feherty replies, “Whatever you say, Supreme Commander. Now, tell us about this group you’ve assembled today. Why’d you pick Ray Romano?”
“Because Ted Danson wasn’t available!” Kim Jong-il cracks himself up and punches Romano in the arm. Romano laughs politely because if he doesn’t he’ll be executed.
“No, look, I’m a big fan of Ray’s. I actually tried to kidnap him and the cast of
Everybody Loves Raymond
a few years ago to make them perform an entire season of the show in one of my bunkers, but the plot was foiled by those dicks at the CIA. An abduction is the biggest compliment I can pay an artist.”
Romano nods. “True story.”
Feherty moves on. “Wow, you
are
a big fan. And the third member of this group, Mike Ditka.”
“Yes, Iron Mike. Get over here, Mike, ya big lug.” Kim Jong-il throws his arm around Ditka, who laughs and picks Kim Jong-il off the ground in a giant bear hug. Ditka is wearing a Panama Jack straw hat and an ironic T-shirt with a picture of Kim Jong-il that reads,
Y
OU
B
E
I
L-IN
’!
“This guy is the best,” says the Dear Leader. “I modeled my leadership style after Ditka when he was with those great Bears teams of the eighties—disciplined, tough, and afraid of no one. Only difference, I guess, is that Ditka didn’t starve millions of his own people.” Kim Jong-il lets out a big laugh. “Kidding, kidding. Relax, everybody. It’s a joke.”
Kim Jong-il turns to Ditka. “Although maybe you should have starved the Fridge—guy could have used a little less time at the dessert cart. Jesus.” Ditka laughs and puts Kim Jong-il into a playful headlock. Ditka is quickly tackled to the ground and thrown into an unmarked car.
Feherty tries to move on. “All right, well, hit ’em straight on the back nine and have fun out there, Supreme Commander.”
Kim Jong-il pulls out a completed scorecard and waves it in Feherty’s face. “Hit ’em straight? Dudn’t matter how I hit ’em, you wacky Irish bastard. Here’s my completed scorecard for today’s round. Let’s see . . .” Kim Jong-il holds the card away from himself and looks down his glasses deliberately.
“Whoa, looky there! Six holes in one! Looks like another good day for the Big Man, David! I
always
hit ’em straight, dumbass! You must be new here. We’ll see you at the bar—that’s one place I know an Irishman like you can find.” Kim Jong-il slaps Feherty on the back and turns for the next tee. “Let’s go, boys. We’ve got Putin and George Lopez breathin’ down our necks in that group behind us!”
Kim Jong-il turns and shouts to Vladimir Putin, who is putting on the tenth green, “Hey, Vlad! Double or nothing on those warheads says you blow that putt!”
Putin steps away from his putt and turns over his shoulder to Kim Jong-il. “Maybe if you hadn’t mowed all these greens in the exact image of your own face, I wouldn’t have to putt around your giant forehead, Mr. Supreme Egomaniac! Oh, and I didn’t know they made platform golf spikes!”
Kim Jong-il bursts into a giant laugh. Putin smiles and waves his hands dismissively at the Dear Leader. George Lopez and the third member of their group, former NFL quarterback Vinny Testaverde, look at each other and decide it’s a good idea to laugh.
Feherty kicks it back up to the booth. “Well, Jimmy, our host putting on another good show today.”
“And what a showman he is, David Feherty. Thank you.” Nantz turns back to his partner.
“Nick Faldo, let’s go out to the 4
th
tee, where we find the compelling group of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench, and our good friend Maury Povich. This group, Nick, really playing some good golf this week.”
“Yeah, Jimmy, Maury is playing well, as he always does. The big surprise here, frankly, is Ahmadinejad. He is surprisingly long off the tee for a man his size. He looks great tee-to-green. He’s missed some putts that he’d probably like to have back, but really quite impressive with the long irons.”
Nantz nods, adding, “And despite the warm conditions, the Iranian president playing in that zip-up windbreaker he has made so famous. The jacket this week though adorned with the logos for Baked! Lays and General Electric—some of us surprised to see American sponsors attracted to the man who has wished publicly for the annihilation of the United States of America.
“Let’s go down to another member of our broadcast team today, Gary McCord. He’s with President Ahmadinejad, who just bombed one off the tee. Sounds like that one cleared the DMZ, Gary.”
“Thanks, Jimmy. Great geopolitical reference. I’m here with the Iranian president, whose name I won’t even attempt to pronounce. Mr. President, pretty handy with a three-wood in your hand there, sir.”
Ahmadinejad leans into the microphone. “Thanks, Gary. I don’t get to play as much as I’d like to, but when K-Jong calls, I ask where he wants me and when. He’s like a brother. We stay in touch mostly over our shared Axis of Evil Facebook page.”
McCord nods like all good sideline reporters do when they’re listening to complete nonsense.
“Plus, what a thrill to meet the great Johnny Bench, right? What kid didn’t want to be Johnny Bench growing up? I had posters of him, the Ayatollah, and Dominique Wilkins on the wall over my bed. Don’t tell the Supreme Council, but the Johnny Bench poster was the biggest.” Ahmadinejad winks at the camera and chuckles.
“I told Johnny back in the clubhouse over a chicken salad sandwich and an Arnold Palmer that I’d give him a couple days warning before I wipe the United States off the map so he can go to Toronto for the weekend. Him and Carson Daly. Those are literally the only two people I’m telling.” Ahmadinejad laughs at his own joke. “Just teasing, guys. No, I’m not.”
McCord struggles with a reply to the statement. “Uh, I think he means it, guys. Jimmy, let’s go back up to you.” Ahmadinejad waves to the camera and mouths, “Hi, Mom! Death to America!” as they cut back to Nantz and Faldo in the booth.
“Thank you, Gary. Sounds to me like he definitely intends to destroy America. Nick, you’re British so you absolutely could not care less. Let’s get back to the golf. Quite a collection of talent out on the course today—walk us through some of the really interesting groups playing together.”
“Just delicious combinations here, Jimmy. We know that Kim Jong-il has already signed a card showing he shot a 48 today even though he still has 8 holes to play, so these other players are really going for second place.” Faldo’s government minder takes a step toward him.
“I’ll be watching the threesome of Hugo Chávez, Samuel L. Jackson, and rocker Alice Cooper very closely. Some really good golfers in that group. Alice Cooper takes a backseat to no one on the golf course, as you know. In fact, celebrity golf is actually all a new generation knows of him. And Sam Jackson, of course, has turned into one of the best celebrity players out there. He wears Kangol caps sideways when he plays. That kind of an urban look makes many people around the course quite nervous. I like it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hold my wallet a little tighter when he’s around.”
Nantz nods in agreement as Faldo continues.
“Now Chávez had requested Danny Glover in his group, of course, but Glover is currently in postproduction on a porn version of
Lethal Weapon
called, ironically,
Lethal Weapon
. Harry Belafonte originally was scheduled to be in the Chávez group as well, but sadly, he got lost looking for his shoes. He was last seen signing an autograph for a mannequin at a Los Angeles–area men’s shop.”
Nantz jumps in. “And, Nick, let’s go down to the seventh, where I’m told Bill Murray is up to his old antics again. David Feherty, what’s going on down there?”
Feherty, laughing, reports, “Well, Jimmy, Bill Murray just threw Madeleine Albright face-first into a sand trap, to the delight of the gallery here. At least I think it was delight. It’s hard to tell with these North Koreans. They’re not terribly emotive. The whole thing was a riot: it took both Dan Marino and Tom Bergeron to get Secretary Albright out of the hazard. She was in stitches. Classic Murray, guys.”
Nantz and Faldo laugh back in the booth. As the camera cuts back to them too soon, viewers catch a half second of the government minders making throat-slash gestures to the announcing pair. Nantz and Faldo stop laughing immediately. Nantz continues.
“Inappropriate public conduct by Bill Murray there. Not funny at all.” The government minders straighten back up.
“Nick, you were telling me in the prisoner transport vehicle on the way over to the course this morning that you’ve been particularly impressed with what you’ve seen out of Bill Clinton this week.”
“I really have, Jimmy. President Clinton, a decent golfer for a man with his schedule, is clearly comfortable here in North Korea. Remember, he was invited to this country by the Dear Leader personally to rescue those two American journalists a while back, and he really appears to be in his element. The former president is playing in a group with the entire losing team from last year’s Lingerie Bowl. Certainly a larger group than you’d typically see at a major golf event, slowing down play considerably, but he’s striking the ball nicely.”
Nantz jumps in. “Yes, President Clinton was telling me earlier today, ‘What happens in Pyongyang stays in Pyongyang,’ as he snapped on his lambskin golf glove. He also said something about ‘hittin’ ’em long and hard with his five-wood’ as he gestured to his playing partners.” Nantz realizes he has disclosed too much.
“But he does great charitable work around the world and whatnot. So, you know.”
“Anyhoo, we’re going to step away for a commercial here. If the break feels a little longer than usual, it’s because Nick and I will be receiving our bihourly performance review from North Korean government officials. Please pray for us. Seriously. We send you to break with our current leaderboard here at the 7
th
Annual Kim Jong-il Celebrity Golf Challenge.” Nantz looks at his notes one more time, takes a deep breath, and reads in a defeated monotone, “Also, America sucks big donkey balls. That’s what it says on this card here: that America sucks, uh, sucks big donkey balls.” The government minders chuckle behind Nantz as the leaderboard goes up.