Amish Breaking Point (7 page)

Chapter 13.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,

saith the Lord, thoughts of peace,

and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 29:11

It had been a torrid few months for Bailey. He couldn’t remember which one, but he knew that one of his doctors had told him that when a trauma weighs on one’s mind for so long, it becomes a part of that person. Much work would need to be done to free that person and make him whole. According to the bishop, Bailey was already whole. He had to trust in
Gott
and accept that wholeness.

Bailey thanked the good Lord for Silvie, often. If a man needed a reason to fix himself, to work hard, to dream good dreams once more, it was Silvie. And Bailey knew she would be able to plug the hole, fill the vacuum, as she already had filled his heart.
Gott
was indeed
gut
to give him a woman such as Silvie.

How would Silvie feel about him if she found out about all he'd been keeping from her? What if she learned about all his darkest secrets? Bailey sensed that Silvie knew something was wrong with him, yet she never pried or made him feel the pressure of her need to know. Still, shouldn't he put her out of her misery now, and come clean before the wedding? Didn't she deserve that? Didn't he owe her at least that? It was clear that Sabrina knew something was wrong, so how much more would Silvie know it?

Bailey had spent the day and previous night wondering if he should give her the chance to make an informed decision about marrying him, and so the chance to change her mind? But what if she did choose to change her mind?

How would he even broach the subject? She would want to know why he hadn't been honest with her in the first place. She would demand that question answered, surely.

Bailey strolled around the farm after his chores, kicking stones, fiddling with twigs until they fell broken to the ground, waiting for Jack to return from the market. Pamela was inside cooking, but Bailey stayed outside, not wanting to make a nuisance of himself. Maybe Jack could listen to his thoughts; help him make sense of them before he met Silvie. Jack might advise him on what to do.

When Bailey looked up he saw Jack’s buggy coming down the road along side the perimeter of the property. The buggy stopped near the house and one of the children leaped from the buggy and ran towards Bailey.

"Bailey, Bailey. Come inside with us." The boy ran inside the house ahead of Bailey.

"I'll be right in," Bailey called, jogging toward the door, joining the boy in his excitement.

"Hey Bailey, sorry we're running late." Jack said as three boys ran ahead of him. He lumbered several cumbersome purchases through the yard from the buggy. "You said earlier you wanted a word. Come, let's eat while we chat."

"I do; I will.
Denke
." Bailey reached Jack. "Let me help you with all that. Looks like a heavy load."

"Ah, I'm fine with this lot. But there's more in the buggy, if you could just bring that in I'll get Pamela to make us tea." Jack sniffed the air. “Smells like Pammie’s just made bread.”

Bailey unloaded provisions and then sat with Jack on the porch to eat the freshly made warm bread. On his mind was only one matter – what, if anything, should he admit to Silvie. Was his confession worth losing her?

"So, what time will you be going up to Silvie's?" Jack asked.

"Soon. I just wanted that word beforehand, if that's okay. And bread too, of course."

Jack grinned, crumbs on his chin. "Of course."

Bailey swallowed a delicious bite of his hot, buttered bread. "The thing is, I'm feeling much better since the nightmares have lessened."

"Everything looks better after a few good nights’ sleep." Jack munched on his bread. "Still, it's mighty good to hear you say it, Bailey."

Bailey and Jack shared a knowing nod. "Down to you too, Jack. If you hadn't referred me to the good doctor..."

"Hey, now I don't know about that." Jack blushed a little and looked at his food.

Pamela interrupted them when she brought two cups of tea to them.

“
Denke
, Pamela,” Bailey said.

"
Denke
, Pammie,” Jack said, looking adoringly at his
fraa.

Pamela smiled at them both and hurried back inside to the children.

Jack turned his attention back to Bailey. “I’m glad your nightmares have lessened.”

"Thanks to the doctor you recommended. The thing is…”

"You're wondering whether to tell Silvie? Or have you already told her?"

"Well, that's why I wanted to speak to you. I haven't, no. Not yet. But I mean, everything's done, finished. I'm no longer haunted, so is it wise to risk losing her for no good reason?"

"It's your decision." Jack set down his thick slice of buttered bread and wiped his mouth on his napkin. "But I very much doubt she would leave you. After all, you have something to tell her now. Before you had no knowledge of what was happening and now you do. You'll be presenting her with the cold hard facts—with information about a man she greatly loves."

Bailey allowed Jack’s words to spin around his mind.

"What I mean is, now you can confess those facts, share what's been ailing you, knowing you've conquered what you’ve feared."

Bailey's eyes widened as the penny dropped. His chest expanded and a grin stretched his mouth. He hadn't thought of it like that at all. "You have a fine way of looking at things, Jack. You've inspired me to tell her everything, so we can be married without burdens or secrets, and it will be a better occasion because of it." He finished his bread and then stood to leave. "Wish me well."

They shook hands and Jack said, "Silvie's a good woman and she will love you all the more for your confession. And I’m not using the buggy today, so take it."

Bailey tipped his hat in thanks, left Jack, and began the drive to Silvie's house. He smiled all the way there, though bubbles of nervousness occasionally burst and gave him indigestion. When he arrived and climbed down from the buggy, he smoothed back his hair, straightened his tie, and took a deep breath. "This is it."

The door swung open and Silvie stood in the doorway.

Chapter 14.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Romans 12:1-2

Silvie had known for quite some time that all was not right with Bailey and it wasn’t just the things that Sabrina had put into her mind. Ever since he moved into the community she had felt a barrier between them. She could not put her finger on exactly what it was. The only thing that would make sense was that he no longer wished to marry her. She knew people change when they come into the community from having grown up
Englisch
. Maybe he had changed and no longer wished to be betrothed. That had to be it.

When Silvie had seen Bailey driving toward her
haus
in Jack’s buggy she hoped that he was not coming to tell her he no longer wished to be married. Her heart was fearful that it was so. She forced a smile and stepped onto the porch with him.

“Can we talk?” Bailey asked.

“
Jah
, Sabrina’s at work so we are alone.” Silvie figured she might as well know sooner rather than later. She knew by the seriousness of his face that he was here to say something important. Once they were seated on the porch, Silvie said, “What is it, Bailey? You look troubled.”

“I am troubled, Silvie. I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just start anywhere.”

Bailey nodded and looked to the floor. “I found out a lot of things that I didn’t know.”

“About your grandfather?”

“I’ll start with my grandfather. He wasn’t shunned as I’d begun to think; he left the community with the bishop’s, well the bishop’s back then,
dochder
. She was betrothed to someone else and she shocked everyone when she ran away with my grandfather. She was shunned from her
familye.
My grandfather was not officially shunned because he had never been baptized, but he was not welcome.”

Silvie nodded.

“That’s not all. My grandmother died in childbirth while having my mother. The bishop’s wife heard about it and cursed my grandfather and his lineage. That means I am cursed and my children are cursed.”

“Bailey, I’ve never heard such a thing. Curses like that aren’t real.”

“I’ve spoken to the bishop and we had a
gut
talk about things.”

“What did he say about curses?”

“He quoted a lot of Scripture.
Love those that curse you
, but I guess that corresponds to people who say mean things, I don’t know if it means
curse
the way the old bishop’s wife would’ve meant it.”

“I didn’t know the old bishop or his wife. They both had died before I came to this community. I did hear talk that she was troubled. I don’t think curses can hurt you if you have goodness in your heart,” Silvie said with her hand lightly on top of Bailey’s.

“Silvie, I’m worried about you and me.”

Silvie took a deep breath and steeled herself against what she had expected. “Go on.”

“More accurately, I worry about our
kinner
that we might have. My father was a hard man and gave me harsh punishments. I’ve had nightmares and images of terror during the day. I saw him kill a man with his bare hands.”

Silvie gasped and put her hands to her mouth.

“They called it manslaughter and he was not convicted and it never went to trial. He was a prison guard and the man was an ex-con who was threatening dad and mom and me. He must have found out where we lived and come onto our property. Anyway, I saw what my father did to him. My father turned around and saw me and chased me.”

Silvie grimaced.

“He grabbed me and locked me in a cupboard for - I’m not sure how long; days, at least. My mother continually cried and begged him to let me out.” Bailey looked across at Silvie.

Tears streamed down her cheeks. Bailey held her hand.

“Silvie, I’m worried that I don’t know how to be a good
daed
, because I never had a
gut daed.
I knew harshness from my
vadder
and though my
mudder
was sweet there was a feeling of no connection. I haven’t talked to either of them in years. I do have my
mudder’s
new phone number and I plan to phone her soon.”

“That’s good.”

“I know that when I was younger, she told me that he was a salesman to explain all his absences, I’d say. They often separated and then my dad would come back after a time. Theirs was a turbulent relationship.” Bailey ran a hand through his hair. “Silvie, I don’t want that for you or me and that’s all I’ve seen.”

“What about since you’ve stayed with Jack and Pamela? Theirs would be a good model of a relationship for you to see.”

“
Jah
, they have a
gut
life together, but it’s under the surface of me that I’m worried about – what lies within.”

“Bailey, you are nothing like your
daed.”

“I know that I’m not, Silvie, but I have a fear that something of him lurks inside me. I can’t risk you, Silvie.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t risk that I might hurt you one day, emotionally hurt you. What if I turn into what my father was?”

Silvie was quiet for a moment. What he said was not making sense to her. “Are you saying that you don’t want to marry me?”

“
Ach
, it’s you, Bailey. I wondered who owned that buggy.”

Silvie and Bailey looked up to see Sabrina flounce her way toward them.

“Sorry, am I interrupting something?” Sabrina asked, as she stopped not far from them.

“Hello, Sabrina.
Nee
, I was just leaving.” Bailey stood up.

Silvie frowned. She had to know right now what he intended on doing. Did he want her or not? The dresses were made and so were the suits, all the preparations for the wedding were done; besides that it was only weeks away. She knew she would be devastated if he did not want her now, after all that they had been through together. She took a deep breath and was determined not to cry in front of him if he said that he no longer wished to marry her. “I’ll walk you to the buggy.”

Once they were standing next to the buggy, Silvie looked back to the
haus
to make sure Sabrina could not hear a word that she was about to say, but Bailey spoke first.

“Can you ever forgive me for keeping something from you?” Bailey’s words were spoken softly.

“I would have preferred that you tell me, but of course, I forgive you,” Silvie said.

Silvie took a deep breath and spoke her words quickly. “I’ll understand if you are mad at me and don’t want to marry me anymore.” She stepped close to him and stared up into his eyes. She had to know how he felt. Why was he silent? “Bailey, are you trying to say that you do not want to marry me?”

Bailey took hold of her hand. “Nothing in this world would give me greater pleasure than to marry the sweetest, kindest woman in the world.”

Silvie’s bottom lip trembled and she shut her eyes tightly to keep away a rush of sudden tears.

“Silvie, don’t cry.” Bailey put his arm around her.

Silvie took a deep breath. “I thought you were going to say that you didn’t want to marry me.”

Bailey took Silvie in his arms. “If I had sense, I might decide you deserve someone better than me.” He tipped her face up towards him. “I love you more than life itself; I was sharing my fears with you. I thought you should know what you are getting yourself into.”

“Perfect love casts out fear, the Scripture says.”

Bailey held Silvie tightly in his arms and Silvie did not care if Sabrina was staring out the window at them. She was pleased to be held tightly by the man she loved.

“I can’t blame my grandfather for doing what he did. I know what it’s like to love a woman so much that you would do anything for her, anything to have her. If you were betrothed to someone else, I’d steal you away if I had the chance. I guess I can’t blame my
daed
for his harshness either; I don’t know what was in his past to make him behave as he did. As for my
mudder,
I guess she switched off her emotions, so she wouldn’t get hurt.”

“No one’s perfect. Everyone has flaws,” Silvie managed to say even though Bailey was holding her tightly around her waist.

“Why are you crying so much?” Bailey asked.

“I thought you were going to tell me that you didn’t want to marry me. These are tears of relief. I knew there was something troubling you and it scared me.”

Bailey cupped her face in his hands. “I’ve been trying to get better these past months for us. I don’t know if I ever would have faced what was troubling me if it weren’t for you. I want everything to be wonderful for us and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of our happiness.”

Silvie tried to nod then giggled a little.

“Forgive me if I’ve neglected you while trying to sort myself out.”

“Of course I forgive you. I understand that what you’ve done is for me. Next time will you let me know what troubles you?”

“I will, sweet Silvie. I will.” Bailey held her in his arms and then stepped back a little from her and looked her in the eyes. “What do you think of the curse?”

Silvie stepped a pace toward him. “I don’t believe that curses are real.”

“I guess, if I was cursed I wouldn’t have found you, would I?” Bailey smiled.

“We’re both blessed to find each other.”

Bailey hugged Silvie tightly for a moment longer. “I’d better get this buggy back to Jack. I’ll call and see you tomorrow.”

Silvie stepped back and watched him travel back down the driveway. She glanced at the
haus
only to wonder what smart-mouthed thing Sabrina would have to say when she stepped through the door.

“I hope he didn’t leave early because of me,” Sabrina said when Silvie finally walked back inside the
haus.

“
Nee
, he had to get the buggy back.”

“He’s a
gut mann,
Silvie. You will be happy together.”

“Really? I thought you didn’t like him.”

“I thought that he was hiding something from you, but I think he just told you what it was. Did he?” Sabrina stared at her with an eyebrow slightly raised.

“How would you know such a thing?”

“People are always so easy to read,” Sabrina said.

“Thanks for saying so, I mean about him being a
gut mann.
Your approval means a lot to me.”

“It does?” Sabrina drew her eyebrows down into a frown.

Silvie gave a little laugh. “It would be a strained household when he comes to live here if you still didn’t like him.”

“
Jah
, about that, Silvie. I think I should move out. I like Bailey and everything, but it would be better if you two had your space. Don’t you think?”

“
Nee
, I don’t. I’ve already told you that if
mamm
and
dat
know you’re living alone they will force you back to Ohio with them.”

“I will see what happens with my job. They still haven’t given me fulltime yet, but I’m sure they will.”

Silvie slumped into the couch. “Make me a cup of tea would you, Sabrina?”

* * *

Bailey knew it was time to call his mother. He took the phone number from his room and went into the barn to make his call.

“Mom?”

“Bailey, you took a long time to call me.”

“Sorry, Mom, I cancelled my email account and lost your number and your address. I’m wondering if I might meet you somewhere. I’m living in Lancaster County at the moment.”

“I can’t. Zelda and I are going on a cruise for six weeks and leaving tomorrow. What about after that?”

Bailey had not told his mother of his intention of joining the Amish or his upcoming wedding to Silvie. “Fine, Mom.”

“What is it, Bailey? Is there something wrong?”

“I found out what Dad did for a living and found out about the man he killed.”

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Mom?”

“I’m here. I was only trying to protect you by not telling you, I hope you’re not mad at me.”

“No, mom, of course not.”

“Your father got a lot of threats from the prisoners, hazard of the job I suppose. But I got threatening phone calls and this time before that man came to the house, I knew that I was being followed. Once I had someone run me off the road, you were in the car too. The next day that man came to the house. He had a knife and your dad got it off him and they struggled and your father accidently killed the man.”