An Orphan's Tale (27 page)

What surprised me: how old Charlie looked in comparison! Steam came out of his mouth when he breathed and talked. He wore a blue wool hat pulled down over his ears like a Canadian lumberman and his black curls stuck out on his forehead. His eyes were moving fast, and he was excited by what he was seeing but I could still tell how much he had changed. He didn't look like a young man anymore. I felt so bad for him that I wanted to cry out to him to take care of himself, but I stayed where I was on the ground, covered with leaves.

I could see how much he missed me by the worry in his brow and this is what I thought: IF I CAN'T HAVE HIM THEN NOBODY ELSE WILL.

I wanted to laugh out loud at that idea!

I followed them from a long distance. Charlie had a rolled up map in his hand but I knew he was thinking of me and wondering whether or not I exist. These are the places he might guess he'd find me in: the deserted Home, Dr. Fogel's house, the basement of Murray's School, the woods around Anita's house, the basement or empty apartment of 1 of Mr. Mittleman's buildings, here on Dr. Fogel's land.

I couldn't hear anything they said to each other and I liked it better that way. He must see that my plan worked even more successfully than I'd hoped for and that now I have no identity or existence at all. My fate is truly in his hands, if he wants me.

While I followed them I had fun imagining myself telling him about what I'd thought and how I imagined the future. I know how scared he is of dying young. I saw myself telling him that nothing would happen to me if I murdered him because I didn't exist. I would tell the judge and jury what I told myself, that if I couldn't have him nobody else could. My defense would be this: How can you convict a boy who was so abandoned that even a Jewish orphanage tried to destroy him?

They would ask me: Why did Charlie Sapistein take you in? And I would tell them that he wasn't there to give an answer.

An old joke that Sol told me: “Chutzpa” is when a boy murders his mother and father and asks for mercy from the court because he's an orphan.

What would Dr. Fogel and Sol feel toward one another if they met at Charlie's funeral?

They went to the area where the old cabins are and Charlie made a motion with his hand which showed he would level all of them. They looked into the cabin where I stayed last night but I leave no traces. I have everything I need in my sack and pockets: my Tephillin and Talis and prayer book and PIRKAY AVOS and money and an extra shirt and set of underwear and candy bars for energy and the package for Anita.

I didn't go into the clearing where the cabins are when they went inside for fear one of them would look out a window and see me. I sat on a stump and tried to imagine Dr. Fogel's father and his settlement living here 50 years ago. There are no traces of their existence in any of the buildings. There are no books or carvings on walls or pieces of newspaper.

After they left I walked into town and mailed the stopwatch to Anita. Then I went into a supermarket and bought food for supper. It's more difficult being Kosher because I can't eat meat and I have to cheek the canned foods and the packages to make sure they're all right. I look for things with eggs in them, for protein. I eat a lot of cheese and canned mackerel and day-old bread.

At night I take out the lantern I bought from under the cabin floor and light it and I'm alone. I'm hundreds of yards from any road so nobody can see the light through the woods. The lantern is a blue camping lantern with a gas cartridge and a piece of mesh nylon called a mantel which has phosphorous dust on it and gives off a strong white light for me to read by. I do no cooking because I don't want the odors to attract animals. In the mornings I carry my garbage out to the road.

What I believe: If he came once he'll come again! If Dr. Fogel came with him that must mean Charlie started putting on Tephillin in the morning or praying. I have enough money for another 3 weeks, the way I live. The less I eat the smaller my stomach and intestines become and the less food I need to survive on. I looked at my reflection in a mirror in the supermarket and I'm thinner, but not that much to worry about myself.

I look better than he does. I have lots of sayings saved up for him, for us to listen to together. Here's one, to explain why it's all right for his friends from the Home to treat him the way they do: “A man's gifts make room for him.”

A question to think about: If I knew the end of the world were coming tomorrow would I want to stay here alone or be with him?

My answer now, when I'm alone: I would want to stay alone. But would my answer be the same if I didn't see him come for me today and if I didn't know he'll be back?

Things he could do with the land if he buys it from Dr. Fogel: sell it to the state or government for conservation. Build a planned community for people who want to flee the city. Sell it to an organization like a charity or religious group to get income for himself every year after 40. Make a deal with Mr. Mittleman and divide it into lots for subdevelopments.

A better idea: Buy some expensive land near the property and build garden apartments so that this land's value increases, and then sell this land!

To tell Dr. Fogel: This is what the Rabbis taught: “God, the people of Israel, and the land of Israel are one.”

I said Minchah in the afternoon and Maariv when the sun went down. I wash before I eat and after I eat. I say a prayer after I eat and after I go to the bathroom. Indoors I wear a Yamulka at all times. I put on my Tephillin in the mornings just in case Mr. Mittleman is right about my age.

Will I ever know the truth about how old I really am?

Will I ever stop wanting to know? Can any other human being understand how much it presses against my life for me to feel I'll never never know! Even if someone should read this would that someone understand what I feel?

Charlie would tell me not to worry about it. He'd want to protect me.

What would he think if he knew I lied to him. I HAVE NO MOTHER AND NO MEMORY OF ANY MOTHER.

I like sleeping on the wood floor. I sleep better without any kind of artificial heat. I sleep on top of the winter coat he bought for me which has an insulated lining with half of it on top of me.

What I wonder about: If we really couldn't be together and if I really meant what I said and if I crept up on him 1 night in his bed while he was sleeping and if his eyes opened at the last moment and were staring into my eyes, would I have the courage to do it?

This is what I would say to him: In Hebrew my name means “God is my Judge.”

THURSDAY

It rained all day today and I stayed inside the cabin. I had to read standing up so I could look out the window in case I saw them coming, but they never came.

I wrote a letter to Ephraim and told him what I imagined I would do to Charlie, but I tore it up when I was done.

If Hannah knew I was here I bet she would run away and try to live with me, that's how young and foolish she is.

It was raining too hard to walk through the woods and get new food. I collected rainwater in an empty can. I kept thinking I was going to get hungrier, but I never did. I made a sandwich out of 2 pieces of bread, bits of apple, and peanuts.

I was too worried to do a lot of reading or memorizing. I'm learning how to let my mind do nothing when it wants to.

FRIDAY

The rain ended in the middle of last night and I heard it stop and I never fell back to sleep. I started to walk out of the woods even before the sun came up and I was in town before the stores were open. I went into an all-night diner and ordered hot chocolate and toasted English muffins with jam. The odor of frying bacon and eggs and griddle cakes was VERY tempting. The eggs and griddle cakes would not be Kosher because they would be fried in the same pan and on the same griddle that was used for “Trayf.”

A package store was open when I finished my hot chocolate and muffins and I went in and bought cheese, apples, grapes, a can of tuna fish, and a small head of lettuce. I have to be sure I don't get weak. The man asked me if I wanted to work in his store after school and I said no. I didn't like the way he looked at me and after I walked out I went around to the side and peered through the window to see if he was telephoning anyone but he wasn't.

I put on my Tephillin and prayed and then I had breakfast with myself. The food tasted wonderful. I asked God to forgive me for having the hot chocolate and muffins before I prayed, but I could justify that on the grounds of health. In the Jewish religion health comes before everything else! I smiled at my reasoning.

I took a walk after breakfast through the woods and I found a small pond, about 80 feet wide and 30 feet across. I sat on a rock and this is the passage I decided to memorize: “IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO PLANT A TREE AND SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT THE MESSIAH HAS COME, FINISH YOUR WORK AND THEN GO FORTH TO MEET THE MESSIAH.”

The ground was wet everywhere, so I lay my coat across the rock and slept there, in the sun. When I woke up the wool fuzz was sticking to my lips from sweating and I remember I was scared for a second, not knowing where I was.

Then I walked back, following the trail I'd made before by breaking branches and it was very strange, because just as I was thinking to myself that if he were to catch me unawares I would say to him, “Well hi Charlie, and how do you like your boy scout?” I saw him coming toward me, and behind him was Dr. Fogel…and behind Dr. Fogel was Mr. Mittleman puffing on a cigar!

I was scared but I decided to take my chances and not move rather than attract attention by stirring up noises. I took 2 steps and pressed myself against a tree. God was with me! They veered off to the right, away from me.

I waited and followed them. Mr. Mittleman looked funny, waddling behind. I thought of calling to him, “Hey Max—where's your movie camera?” But I didn't. I realized I never saw him in a coat before or outside at all. His face looked bloodless. He was even shorter than Dr. Fogel. He didn't say anything to them.

They looked at the clearing where the cabins were and I was afraid they would go into mine again even though I left it clean and bare, but they didn't. They were gone before I had a chance to make a decision. I didn't want Charlie to see me the 1st time with Mr. Mittleman there. But that was a mistake, not to show myself.

The important thing now is to make sure Charlie gets the land for himself, without Mr. Mittleman's money or help! If he really has all the money he told Anita he did, that should be enough.

Will Charlie spend Shabbos with Dr. Fogel?

Also: Where is his beloved Uncle Sol, and what happened at their meeting??

It's almost sundown now. I promised to wash myself for Shabbos and change into my other set of underwear and clean shirt. If I wash the clothes I'm wearing and put them out to dry before Shabbos I'll be safe because Dr. Fogel and Charlie won't ride here on Shabbos.

I'll make a blessing over the grapes, for the wine.

SATURDAY NIGHT

Today I observed Shabbos by doing no work: no writing or carrying or cooking or lighting matches or buying or thinking about money. I left my money out of my pocket all day on a board next to the front door and I never touched it.

After I ate bread and grapes I prayed all morning, doing the entire service except for the part of taking out the Torah. I sang the prayers out loud and my voice sounded nice inside the cabin. It's not like a girl's voice anymore. When my praying was over I spread 3 napkins out in the middle of the floor and made lunch. I made Kiddush over the grapes again, washed my hands, and made a Motzi over the bread and when I was done eating I washed my fingertips and said the blessings after meals. Then I took a nap and I didn't dream.

When I woke up I studied the way old men study Talmud in Orthodox synagogues on Saturday afternoons and I tried to see how many points of view I could give on the same question.

This is the question I asked: CAN A JEW BE A JEW ALONE?

I gave Murray's answer and Dr. Fogel's answer and Sol's answer and Ephraim's answer and Charlie's answer and Mr. Mittleman's answer and Rabbi Akiba's answer and Maimonides's answer and Danny Ginsberg's answer.

Guess whose answer was best?
Danny Ginsberg's!

MURRAY‘S answer was yes, a Jew can be a Jew alone but he's a better Jew when he's part of the Jewish people.

DR. FOGEL quoted God's promise to Abraham, saying “I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.” Dr. Fogel asked: Why would God say “everlasting” if He didn't mean it?

SOL said he learned that God promised the Jews that the Messiah would come 1 day and His people would be there. But if there were 1 Jew left that would mean there would be an end to all Jews and that would mean the Messiah's time had come. Then God's promise to His people would
not
have been fulfilled. All Jews should be proud of their heritage! he added.

EPHRAIM said a Jew could be a Jew alone because his father had been a Jew alone. He said the word “alone” shouldn't be taken literally. He said he thought I meant it to represent the way you felt about being Jewish.

CHARLIE said he believed that a Jew could not be a Jew alone, but he said he didn't have to give reasons for his feeling.

MR. MITTLEMAN said my question was Anti-Semitic and that an Anti-Semite is somebody who hates Jews more than is necessary.

RABBI AKIBA said no.

MAIMONIDES said yes.

DANNY GINSBERG said a Jew could be a Jew alone because Abraham had been a Jew alone. Everybody had to agree with me, because it was in the Torah.

Then we talked about whether a 2nd Jew alone would know if he were a 2nd Abraham. How would God talk to a man if he wanted to in today's world? (Mr. Mittleman said he would come through on an answering service!) What are His signs? If there were no Jews would there still be a Sabbath? Is there any place in the Bible where it definitely says the Messiah will come, or did Sol make that part up? If Dr. Fogel doesn't believe in Israel and does believe in the Bible coming from God, how does he explain God's promise to Abraham to give him the land of Canaan for an everlasting possession?