Anathema (10 page)

“We can still stop them!” Lev says, abruptly
pulling his arm from around me and rising to match Evan’s stance.
“You know we can.”

“Lev, these aren’t evil angels. We cannot
battle them like that. You know this.” He pushes himself away from
the counter. “I never thought any of this would happen, but we
cannot interfere. Not like that.”

Lev rushes in front of him and stands between
Evan and me. “So what? We just let them kill her? This is
Elizabeth. I have spent centuries trying to save her, and I’m not
going to lose her now.”

“It’s not your battle to fight, Lev,” I
whisper, standing and heading toward the hallway. “I’m pretty
tired. I think I’ll get some sleep.”

Lev immediately turns and steps into my path.
“Elizabeth, no. Don’t leave it like this. I will fight for
you.”

“At what costs?” I close my eyes and try to
ignore the gallop of my heart. “None of this is your fault, and I
won’t ask you to sacrifice what is right for me. I won’t.”

“You don’t have to!” he counters, taking my
good hand. His blue eyes are wild, like the sea during an
unexpected storm. “I would go to the ends of the earth for you.
Don’t you get it?”

“Yes.” I swallow hard. “I know you would. I’m
just tired, Lev. That’s all.” I offer a lopsided smile and lean
forward to kiss his cheek before heading down the hall and into my
room.

I manage to get inside and close the door
before I fall against it and try not to cry. I know Lev is speaking
from the heart. I have no doubt to what lengths he’d go to keep me
safe. But he’s an angel, and there are things I can never ask of
him.

Chapter Seven

It seems to take until morning before I fall
asleep, and while I don’t remember my dreams, I sense the
nightmares have claimed me once again; I don’t feel rested, and
it’s not about sleep deprivation. It’s that feeling something hangs
over me, and I cannot escape it, no matter how far or fast I
run.

I open my eyes and find Lev lying beside me,
one arm propped beneath his head. He smiles. “Good morning,
Elizabeth,” Lev whispers in a deep, rough-silk voice. “I was
wondering when you’d get up.”

“What time is it?” I ask, glancing at the
window to see plenty of bright light pouring in around the
curtains.

“About eleven.”

“I never sleep this late,” I mutter and sit
up so I can brush my hand across my face and wipe away the residue
of sleep. I see the heavy gauze on my hand, and, as if on cue, my
palm begins to throb.

“It’s not like you haven’t had a lot of
things happen to you.” He, too, sits up and sets his hands in his
lap, and I feel the weight of last night resting between us.
There’s so much he wants to say, but none of it will help. I sure
don’t want him to promise something that might compromise what he
is.

Not even for me.

I stand and head to my closet to pull out a
t-shirt and jeans. Even as I stand, I hate the festering silence.
It shouldn’t be this way between us; we love each other.

“I meant what I said last night.”

“I know you did.” I force a neutral tone and
try not to think how auto-pilot it sounds even to me.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” He rises from
the bed and steps toward me. “You think I would let the Triune hurt
you?”

“No, I don’t.” I turn to go into the bathroom
to get a shower, but Lev blocks my path. His frown furrows deep
creases into this forehead, and he swallows hard, staring at
me.

“But?” He folds his arms and waits for an
answer.

“I don’t know, Lev. I’m one person. I know
it’s not my fault I stumbled into the middle of all this, but it
doesn’t mean the Triune is wrong about judging me.” I slip around
him and almost make it out the door before he smacks his hand in
the center of it and once again blocks my escape.

“Yes, they are!” he snaps. “You didn’t ask
for any of this. You were trying to do the right thing. That
shouldn’t cost you your life.”

A hollow laugh escapes me, and he gapes at me
like I’ve gone insane. I shake my head. “Are you the same angel
whose disdain for humans forced God to teach him a lesson about
love and sacrifice?”

He flinches, and I know I’ve struck a nerve.
“I haven’t been that angel in decades, Elizabeth. And you wouldn’t
have liked him. At all.”

I swallow hard and try to budge the door. No
go. “Maybe. But that angel would have realized sometimes things
happen that we never mean to happen, and sometimes we don’t have
any choices about how things are going to play out.”

He takes my hand and grips it tightly. “These
aren’t just choices. This is your life. If I don’t do something,
you could die. Do you understand that?”

“Yes.” I can’t seem to look away from his
haunted blue eyes. “But maybe this means you never should have
saved me to begin with, Lev. Maybe all of it was a mistake.”

His grip slackens, and he reels back a step,
his face ashen. He keeps blinking at me like I’ve spoken in a
foreign language.

“There was no other choice but to save you,
Elizabeth. In not saving you, I would have damned myself.” His
quiet voice resonates like a slap on my face, and I inhale sharply,
unprepared. And those blue eyes refuse to leave me alone.

All I know to do is rush out the door and
take sanctuary in the bathroom. All I have to do is breathe and let
the hot water wash over me, and as the steam rises, I know Evan is
right. This isn’t Lev’s battle, no matter how much he’s willing to
step into the middle of it.

Although I try to keep from thinking,
thoughts overwhelm me until I sink to the shower floor. The spray
of hot water blisters my skin, but at least it gives me something
to focus on besides the frantic drum of my heart and the pain
radiating through me.

I know I shouldn’t get the bandage wet, but I
really don’t care. The dressing will probably have to be changed
soon, not that I’m looking forward to that. I chew my lip and stay
in the shower until the water runs cold, forcing me to hurriedly
shut off the water and shiver into a towel.

I squeeze the water from my hair and brush
through it before braiding it and getting dressed, no more sure
what to say to Lev than when I left. I guess what we’re all hoping
is that the training I’ll be starting today will make all the
difference; if it doesn’t, Evan is out of options, and when an
angel is out of options, it’s probably not a good thing.

I give my reflection in the steam-distorted
mirror one last glance before heading out of the bathroom and
getting dressed. Edging down the hall, I stop by Griffin’s room and
gently knock. I should’ve checked on him last night, but there was
so much going on, and after Evan’s delightful news about the
Triune, I just wanted to be alone. I knew Griffin was in good hands
with Celia.

“Come in,” Griffin calls.

As I open the door, I spot him on the bed.
He’s wearing jeans and a button-down shirt, not the rumpled
clothing which has draped his body since Jayzee first disappeared,
and as the door swings wider, I see Celia sitting in the chair
across from his bed. She’s straddled it backwards and leans her
head on the back rest.

For a moment, I just stare at Griffin, trying
to come to grips with how much different he looks now that Jayzee
is dead. I wonder if he knows. Surely he must.

Despite the fact that I should be comfortable
here, everything that has been piling up has put me at odds with
the world, and I can’t seem to look at anything logically anymore.
I creep into the room, looking from Griffin to Celia and back
again.

“Hey, Lizzie.” Griffin sits up, and for the
first time in months, I realize the haze has vanished from his
eyes, and he seems to see me clearly again.

“I just wanted to see how you were.” I fold
my arms across my abdomen and stand near the door, not sure why the
edginess inside me won’t leave.

“I feel a whole lot better,” he says,
offering a smile. “Last night was the first night I haven’t dreamed
about Jayzee and I feel like I actually got some sleep.”

“That’s good,” I say, not about to tell him
there’s a reason he’s not dreaming about Jayzee anymore. Although
he seems pretty calm, I’m not sure if he’ll be okay with the idea
Jayzee is dead, considering how she forced him to fall in love with
her. I mean, the last time I talked to him, he still seemed very
much under her spell.

“How are you?” He pats the bed for me to come
and sit. Again I look between he and Celia, still feeling as though
I could be interrupting something important. I step gingerly to the
bed and sit.

Celia smiles at both of us and unstraddles
the chair, heading for the door. “Hey, why don’t I wait outside and
give you two a few minutes to talk things over, okay?”

“That would be great,” Griffin says,
nodding.

“Cool.” Celia shuffles through the doorway
and closes the door behind.

Even as I sit here, I feel Griffin’s gaze
settle on my face. I honestly don’t know what to say to him. I feel
like a completely different person than the one he knew from last
year. That girl is never coming back; I can promise that.

“So, everybody seems pretty hush-hush around
here. What’s going on?”

I shrug. “What makes you think it’s anything
important?”

He leans back against the headboard and takes
a deep, relaxing breath. “Put it this way, Lizzie—they aren’t
talking about you, and they aren’t talking about Jayzee. I know
something went down; I just wish somebody would be honest with
me.”

Gritting my teeth, I try not to shiver as a
chill sweeps up my spine. “You sure you want to know? Sometimes,
finding things out isn’t as good as you thought, and by that point,
nobody can take it back anymore.”

“Yeah, I want to know.” He stiffens a little
bit, probably in anticipation of whatever I’m going to tell him.
Funny that he’s prepared because I’m sure as hell not. It doesn’t
take a rocket scientist to see the fear in my trembling hands. I’m
having trouble even looking him in the eye, and I shouldn’t.

I try to think of any way I can to start
this, but there’s no small talk that will make it any easier, so I
just take a deep breath and plunge in. “Jayzee is dead,
Griffin.”

Once the words are out, I find myself
watching his face, trying to sift through his emotions and find
whatever might be buried in them. Part of me wonders if he will be
angry or if he will even miss Jayzee.

He looks down, and a painful grimace crosses
his face but doesn’t linger. “I kind of thought she might be; I
don’t feel her anymore.”

He closes his eyes. “I guess that’s why
everyone is treading on tiptoes around me. The last thing they want
to do is make it any more difficult than it already is.”

I shrug. “Probably.”

“Were you there…when it happened?” he asks
softly.

“Yes.” I see a stray hair at the end of my
braid and tug it loose--anything to keep my mind off the
conversation I’m having.

“Tell me.” He swallows hard, and his Adam’s
apple bobs slightly. “I want to know.”

“Did you still love her?” I know I shouldn’t
ask, especially if I’m going to go through telling him the whole
story. If he says yes, I’m not sure I can. The last thing I want is
to hurt Griffin any more than he’s already been.

“I…I don’t really know what I feel.” He
shrugs and lifts a hand to his neck to massage away a kink. “It’s
all jumbled up.”

I’d like to say I believe him, but the way
he’s shifting positions and not making eye contact tells me he’s
hiding something, probably the fact that even though Jayzee did so
much to hurt him, he still had feelings for her and didn’t want her
to die. Telling him her death was his only road to freedom probably
won’t help, either.

I chew my bottom lip as the grandfather clock
down the hall chimes twelve. I wait for the last one before taking
a deep breath and telling Griffin about the nightmares, waking in
the cemetery, and killing Jayzee. I want to believe he’s okay with
what I’m saying, but he keeps stiffening up and looking away.
Usually, I’m good at reading him, but now I’m lost in the dark.

When I finish, I try to meet his gaze, but he
stares vacuously ahead as though nothing here exists. I reach for
his hand, seeking to comfort him. He flinches at my touch but then
gradually relaxes.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean for
any of this to hurt you.”

“It’s not your fault, Lizzie. Part of me
wishes I could undo everything Jayzee did to me and forget, but
there’s this other stupid side that somehow can’t get her out of my
mind. I know she never loved me, but that doesn’t seem to change
how I feel. Stupid, really.” He laughs hollowly and shakes his
head.

“If she hadn’t died, you’d still be connected
to her, Griffin. I didn’t want to kill her, but maybe it’s still
better I did.”

“Maybe.” He nods and adjusts his watch band.
For the first time, he looks at me and sees the pain in my eyes.
“Look, Lizzie, don’t listen to me, okay? I’m screwed in the head,
and probably most of what I say doesn’t make much sense, anyway.”
He nervously rakes his fingers through is hair, and as his hand
moves, I see the trembling he’s trying to hide.

The silence abruptly blooms between us, and I
force myself to stand, wondering how long it’s going to be like
this. I never expected things to feel so strained between my best
friend and me, and wonder if he holds me responsible for Jayzee’s
death. If he does, will things ever return to normal?

“I guess I should go and get some breakfast.
Can I get you anything?”

He shakes his head and stares off into space.
“No, I’m not all that hungry, Lizzie.”

“Okay.” I edge towards the door. “If you need
something, let me know.”

“Will do.”

I take a last look at him, hoping he’ll meet
my gaze and in it I’ll find absolution from this pain. But he
doesn’t look at me, and I force myself to open the door and steal
outside, where Celia waits.