Angel of Mine (22 page)

After a slight struggle, I’m able to get her in the car and buckled up. I’m worried she has stopped breathing and I place my hand on her chest to feel a reassuring rise and fall. A bright flash goes off in the corner of my eye as someone snaps a photo just outside my window.
Fantastic.
Those bloody monsters just got a photo of what looks like me feeling up Ally’s mum while she is passed out in my car. “Shit,” I yell and pull my hand away.

I’m not fazed if I accidentally hit one of them as I back out of the drive, I just start moving, and if they don’t hop out of the way, that’s their problem.

My speed doesn’t go any lower than seventy kilometres an hour the whole way home. Things will go a lot smoother if I am able to reach Mum before Carol wakes up.

The house is silent when we get there, and Carol is still out cold in my arms. They are going numb with pins and needles, and she feels like a dead weight. In my room, Alex sits in a chair by Ally’s side but stands at my arrival. “Who is that?” Without waiting for my answer, he takes her out of my arms and I immediately sit beside Ally and hold her hand. Her eyelids are closed and soft snores escape her.

“Carol, Ally’s mum. Can you take her to the spare room for me?” I am thankful the drive between houses was so short, and that Mum will be here to talk to her when she wakes. It has to be any minute now, I’m surprised it’s been this long as it is.

“No worries Theo. I’ll be right back.” Alex leaves the room and movement to my side alerts me that Mum is kneeling, in the middle of the room, looking between us all with wide eyes. This must all be incredibly overwhelming for her. Even in the most stressful of times in the past, she has always been able to pull through and be strong for me, and I know I can enlist her help now. I’m in way over my head, and if anyone can empathise with what Carol is going through, it’s my mum.

My stomach churns as I sit here beside a near lifeless Ally with my head hanging between my knees. They say this position helps to stop a panic attack, however, while I sit here listening to the sounds in the next room, I’m not so sure that’s true.

Cries of anguish and disbelief mix in with the pained voice of my mother as she has the difficult task of talking with Carol. Alex loiters in the doorway with a stoic expression, hanging around to help at a moment’s notice.

My phone buzzes from my pocket and when I pull it out, it feels like a lead weight in my palm. The hospital’s number flashes across the screen, and although I was expecting this call, an ice-cold sensation comes over me anyway; it trickles down my spine, threatening to take over. The ringing continues like a ticking time bomb going off in my head.

“Hewel?” A scratchy sound comes out, and I swallow and try again. “Hello?” The voice on the other end informs me that my results are ready now if I would like to come in. “I’ll be right there,” I reply, although I think it comes out more like ‘be-ri-there.’

For a few moments before I move, I squeeze my eyes shut to summon up some courage. On shaky legs, I lean over Ally’s disconcerting frame and kiss her forehead. “I’m going to get some answers baby. Alex will be right here by your side while I’m gone.” While saying this I glance quickly his way, and he gives me a reassuring nod and moves into my spot on the chair by her side. “I’ll be back soon.”

Somehow, in the car, I’m able to navigate my way safely back to the hospital without paying any attention at all. I could have driven past the Queen of England herself, and not even noticed. It’s as if I was driving through a fog.

The parking lot is full when I pull up this time, giving me the painstaking task of dashing through the rain and to the front doors from the back of the lot. Puddles of water soak through my joggers squelching around my toes, and splash up the legs of my jeans. The dark thunderous clouds match my mood, but the constant drizzle of rain does nothing to wash it away.

When the lift doors open and the bustling nurses recognise me, the room falls quiet. They unsuccessfully try not to stare; I still catch their curious gazes. It looks like the whole floor knows my business, at least there is no media outlets following me around.

Helen approaches me and directs me straight in to Dr. Steven’s room. He sits behind his solid oak desk on his own, so I assume all the other doctors found out the results before me. Twinkling eyes look at me, hardly being able to contain the news they hold while I settle into my chair.

“It’s a miracle. Your cancer has completely disappeared without as much as a trace. Isn’t that wonderful?”

My jaw locks at his ignorance. Through gritted teeth, I spit out, “My girlfriend has leukaemia. She’s going to die. It’s not a miracle it’s a damn bloody travesty.” The anger builds, but I’d rather that than breaking down into a blubbering mess though.

The doctor offers his apologies straight away, “Of course, of course. I’m so sorry young man. Bring her in and I will personally make sure she is consulted instantly.” The cheery tone contradicts his words. He doesn’t look sorry, more so excited at his discovery. The twinkle in his eyes shines through even brighter at the prospect of getting to run tests on her.

I would like to say ‘not a chance in hell,’ but he’s her only hope at survival right now, so I just assert, “She’s not a science project,” and stomp out of the room before I completely lose my cool. I’ll deal more with him tomorrow.

I’ve been laying here in complete shock most of the day now. People come and go, but they don’t make much of a dent on my radar. Theo has a stronger presence then everyone else, but at the moment, he is gone. I can tell because I feel empty and cold without him by my side.

I’m faintly aware of Alex hovering nearby. Occasionally he talks, but I have no idea what he says. Nothing really seems to matter anymore.

Lethargic and struggling to breathe evenly, I lay here completely stupefied as to how Theo has been feeling this way and still able to make himself get up and live day-to-day life. How did he always stay upbeat, optimistic, and happy when all I want to do is lie around and wallow in self-pity?

An acute need to pee is starting to get too much, and I know I’ll have to get up soon. The last time I showered or brushed my teeth was two days ago. This shouldn’t even occur to me since I have bigger things to worry about now, but I don’t want Theo to see me a grungy mess.

I’m the one who brought this upon myself; maybe I should make an effort. As all this goes through my head, I still stare at the ceiling, unblinking and not moving a muscle. I wouldn’t take it back, but maybe I should have prepared myself better for this.

Suddenly, someone pulls me up into a sitting position against my will. Alex’s lips are moving in front of my face, and his words go in and out of focus. “Enough Ally. Wake up and smell the roses will you?” He shakes me a little, trying to break through my daze, and I try to force myself to concentrate.

“Ally, are you listening, can you hear what I’m saying in there?” His voice is raised, and shrill with annoyance. To get his point across he taps me a few times on the forehead. “You wanted to help Theo, didn’t you? Did you see how he looked? You are killing his heart and soul. He will keep dying inside each, and every day that you deteriorate, help him by living what you’ve got left, talk to him, and don’t leave him so soon.”

He takes a moment to let his words sink in, staring me directly in the eye to ascertain if I am hearing him. It’s taking a little while for what he is saying to register. I’m so overwhelmed, and I sit here unwavering, waiting for it to make sense.

He lays me back down and rubs the palm of his hands hard against his eyes. When he pulls them away, I noticed they are red rimmed and distressed. Liquid pools of the darkest green, watery around the edges, and are wide open, allowing me to see right into their very depths and pleading with me to see what it is that they know.

“When it was Theo about to die…” his voice cracks, and his bottom lip starts to tremble. He pauses a moment, pushing the heartache away so that he is able to continue. “Every minute with him was precious. It would have destroyed me to see him like you are now and not get to spend whatever time I could enjoying my brother’s spirit and who he usually was. It’s as though you are already gone Ally. Can’t you see how much this is hurting the people around you? Try, just please try, for Theo.”

Pain radiates off him and starts to break through the barrier I have surrounded myself in. My hands start to tremor and faintly glow. I raise one of them towards his face without thinking, to take the ache he is feeling away. His eyes go wide in shock as he jumps off the bed and shakes his head. My hand falls down, tingling and warm on top of my thigh.

“This situation is exactly what he was trying to avoid. It’s harder for him to see you go through this than to go through it himself. You can’t fix it, but you can get up and make the most of your time, for Theo, for your mum, for yourself. If healing others is so important to you, than heal them a little now by getting up or at least trying to say good-bye.”

As understanding dawns, a feeling of unease fills me. Bile rises in my throat and I swallow it back down. It burns the whole way, leaving an acidic feeling in my stomach that threatens to come back up at any moment.

Even though I took Theo’s leukaemia away, he now faces a different type of pain, not to mention my mother must be beside herself.

As these thoughts swirl, clarity hits me, and I snap out of my pity party. Either I can lie around waiting to die, and I might as well be 6 feet under already, or I can spend my time with Theo. That makes the choice easy. I will never have enough time with Theo. Every extra day I get with him is a blessing. Why am I wasting it? I should make the most of what little time I have left.

Since when did Alex get so wise?

A moment alone to process how I’m going to achieve all that lies ahead would be great, but Alex hasn’t left my side once. Under his scrutiny, I shift in discomfort.

“I need to go to the bathroom.” I know that isn’t the response he was looking for, but I’m going to wet myself if I don’t move.

He just laughs and I have no idea what that means yet. “Well I’ll take that answer over no acknowledgement at all. It’s good to know you can speak. Everyone has been so worried about you.”

He helps me to the bathroom and pauses awkwardly at the door, averting his gaze to the floor and scratching the back of his head he says, “Um, I’ll just wait out here, will you be okay in there?” My body is a lot weaker than it was before but I’m sure I’ll manage just fine, even if I couldn’t there is no way Alex is coming to the bathroom with me, that’s not what I’d call a fun bonding experience with my boyfriend’s family.

“I’ll be fine on my own,” I tell him.

After relieving myself, I stand, leaning heavily on the bathroom cabinet and gazing at my reflection. Pale, clammy skin surrounds defeated eyes. They have almost changed to a blue grey, instead of the bright blue they once were, and no longer shine with hope and possibilities of a future that will never come. Dark shadows surround them and unkempt tangled hair frames the whole mess. Knots aside, the lustre and shine that used to give me a youthful, glowing appearance has all but disappeared.

Shocked that my looks have changed so dramatically over night, I rake my hand down my face. The texture is all wrong. It feels rubbery and dry. My legs start to wobble, and I clutch tighter to the bench for support.

“Is everything okay in there?” Alex asks from behind the door. “Do you want me to get someone for you? Or I can come in if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” The uncertainty and worry in his voice puts me on edge.

Sharp pains travel across my chest, warning me of the severity of my situation. No wonder everyone is so worried. I have to pull myself together, show them this is what I wanted, and that I will cope just fine.

Cold water runs from the faucet and I splash it over my face to make myself feel and look more refreshed. Then I walk out of the bathroom a brand new person, as if I just had a pep talk from Jesus himself in there. With a wide grin plastered across my face, I am determined to allow no one to see how much I’m suffering.