Anna's Heart (Wilderness Brides Book 2) (12 page)

Instead of releasing her, he held on and stepped closer. He bent forward, then his head dipped slightly. He hesitated. His hand fully cupped her cheek, his calloused thumb scraping across the softness of her skin. Anna’s chest heaved against his as her body swayed closer.

The granite rocks he’d built around himself crumbled and crashed like a mighty waterfall that had been frozen in winter, and cracked with the spring thaw. His lips brushed hers in a light touch that couldn’t be described as a kiss. It wasn’t enough. He increased the contact, holding her steady as his fingers weaved into her hair at the back of her head. Rather than pulling away and telling him to stop, Anna leaned in closer.

Ethan abruptly pulled away. What the hell was he doing?

“I’m sorry,” he growled through gritted teeth.

Eyes wide with surprise and confusion stared up at him. What on earth had come over him? He should be checking her for burns, not taking advantage of her.

Giving in to his impulse and kissing Anna had been the worst thing he could have done. Every moment he spent in her company, his resolve crumbled more. He couldn’t surrender to the feelings she stirred in him. He wouldn’t be able to endure it if he openly grew to care for her, and then lost her. What if he hadn’t come back from his hunt when he had? She could have died. That thought sent a shiver of fear down his spine.

“It’s getting late, Anna. Best take a look at your legs to make sure there are no burns before it gets too dark and change your clothes.”

With those words, he strode off into the dim evening light beyond the fire to let the darkness surround him again.

A
nna pushed
the Dutch oven out of the fire using some sturdy sticks. She carefully lifted the lid by slipping another stick under the handle and raising it. The delicious sweet smell of cobbler drifted on the breeze, mixing with the aroma of meat roasting over the spit and making her mouth water. It was difficult to see in the darkness, but the rabbits appeared to be cooked. If they remained over the fire any longer, they’d be charred.

She’d found some berries growing along the creek when she’d gone to bring water to camp. Fixing a sweet dessert for supper to go with the rabbits had been an impulsive decision. Preparing the meal had kept her mind and hands busy as the sun disappeared completely into the horizon, creating a dark curtain around camp.

Cooking, sewing, and keeping occupied with other domestic chores had always been her way of distracting herself from the sorrow in her heart. This time, it kept her from crumbling in fear and confusion. Fear, because she’d nearly lost her life today, or at least had almost gotten badly burned. The fear had been quickly replaced by confusion about what had happened after her near-fatal mishap at the campfire.

She glanced up, looking into the darkness beyond the reach of the firelight. Where was Ethan? He’d saved her life. Her fingers touched her tingling lips. He’d kissed her. She laughed softly. She hadn’t thought about much else in the last hour, no matter how hard she’d focused on her task of preparing supper. He’d certainly taken her mind away from the frightening prospect of burning to death.

Why had he left so abruptly? Ethan Wilder was a difficult man to figure out. He presented a cold and hard persona on the outside to anyone who didn’t know him, yet there was a warm and lighthearted man inside that he kept well concealed. There had been genuine concern for her when he’d shouted her name. She’d heard him, but she’d run in a panic anyway. As if catching the skirt of her dress on fire hadn’t been careless enough, she’d made an even bigger mistake when fear had made her run. Ethan had been full of tenderness rather than anger when he’d told her it was a common reaction. He’d almost looked at her with anguish in his eyes.

Cora had read him correctly from the beginning. There was a friendly, caring man locked up somewhere inside Ethan Wilder. He wanted to keep people away, so he’d built an unfeeling wall around himself and created the rigid man his brothers constantly teased him about.

Yet, why had he allowed her to see more and more glimpses of his other, softer side? It had started that day in the woods, or perhaps even before, when he’d offered the apology for his behavior toward her. Did she want to know the reasons?

In two days’ time, they’d be parting ways. It was ridiculous thinking about a man she’d never see again, but it was becoming more difficult not to think about Ethan. They’d been alone together for an entire week. While he hadn’t been talkative, he’d been polite whenever they stopped to rest for the day and in the evenings.

He never carried a conversation, but he answered all her questions about anything from the mountains to the journey to Fort Hall and how soon he’d expect to get there. All without any of his usual gruffness that he displayed when he was around his family. She’d been careful not to ask him any personal questions, even though she had sometimes led the conversation to his twin brothers and their antics.

A few times he’d even shown a faint hint of a smile when talking about Trevor and Travis, and each time he did, it made him appear years younger and less hardened. Ethan clearly cared for his brothers, even though he didn’t show it, especially when they were in each other’s company.

Anna added more wood to keep the fire going. She rubbed at her arms, the night breeze in the air sending a shiver down her spine. Why had she allowed Ethan to kiss her? Why
had
he kissed her? Her sudden and unexpected infatuation with Ethan Wilder over the last several weeks had steadily overshadowed the sadness she’d kept bottled up in her heart. Guilt nagged at her for setting aside Franklin’s memory in favor of thinking about another man.

Despite his perpetual grumpiness, he’d slowly taken over a spot in her heart that had known only emptiness since Franklin’s death. She shook her head. Ethan Wilder was the last man she’d ever considered catching her attention. Why had he sparked her interest now, after all the months of being acquainted with him? Ever since the mishap with the dirty water and finding out from Cora about his background, she’d been drawn to him. He’d known sorrow and loss, and that bonded them somehow. At least that’s what she told herself.

Mindful of the flames and the direction of the breeze, Anna lifted the long skewer off the fire and set the meat on a tin plate. She stood as far away from the fire as possible. She’d hastily changed into a different petticoat and dress after making sure she didn’t have any burns on her legs. She’d have to assess the damage to the dress the next day in daylight. Perhaps there were parts of the material that could be salvaged and put to use for something else.

“The food’s going to get cold if he doesn’t come back soon,” she mumbled, and wiped her hands on her apron.

Where had that perplexing man gone? Apparently, the kiss had been as unexpected for him as it had been for her. Had he taken pleasure in it as much as she? Anna’s cheeks heated at the thought. She had enjoyed Ethan’s kiss, despite the fact that it had been uninvited. It hadn’t lasted more than a second or two before he’d pulled away. That had obviously been enough time for him to reconsider his actions.

Holding a cool hand against her cheek, Anna shook her head. Nothing could come of this. She was heading west, and Ethan was returning to the mountains once he’d purchased supplies for his family. Besides, there was no reason to think that her infatuation was anything but one-sided.

Then why did he kiss you, Anna?

Something rustled in the grass beyond the light from the fire before Anna could explore the question further. She spun around. Ethan emerged from the darkness, his presence instantly making her heart speed up. What was she going to say to him?

“Supper’s ready,” she blurted. “You’re back just in time before it gets cold.”

“Smells good,” came the deep voice.

Ethan stepped fully into the glow of the firelight, his eyes catching hers. Anna smiled for lack of something to say, then quickly dropped her gaze when he continued to stare.

“I’ll get you a plate,” she stammered. “Coffee’s ready, too, if you’d like to pour a cup for yourself.”

She turned her back to him and wiped her clammy palms against her apron, then dished up some cobbler and half of one of the rabbits. Ethan poured a cup of steaming coffee and leaned against the wagon’s tailgate. He eyed the food on his plate when Anna walked up and handed it to him.

“I think Harley’s right. We’re sure going to miss your cooking,” he said, stabbing a fork into the cobbler.

“I enjoy cooking,” she answered in response to his . . . had that been a compliment coming from Ethan Wilder? Anna looked up at him to see if his remark had been a joke. He took another bite of the sweet cobbler, clearly enjoying it as he chewed.

“I hope it’s all right,” she added. “Most of the berries I found were ripe enough, but there might have been some that were still a bit tart. I think I added enough sugar to make it taste sweet.”

His response was a nod and another bite of the cobbler. Anna lowered her head, suppressing a smile. She concentrated on her own plate while Ethan scraped his clean. Wordlessly, he moved to the fire and helped himself to another heaping portion of cobbler, then joined her again by the tailgate.

“Are your legs all right?” he asked between mouthfuls.

“Yes, I didn’t get burned,” she answered faster than she should have. The small talk was more awkward than on previous nights. “Thanks to you. If you hadn’t been there, who knows what might have happened.”

There was a silent pause, which seemed longer because his features were difficult to make out in the dim light. When he set his plate aside and shifted to face her, Anna strained her eyes to better see him.

“I want to apologize again for what happened earlier, Miss Por . . . Anna. I was out of line.”

Anna shook her head. “I already told you, there is no need to apologize. You saved my life. If anyone was out of line, it was me.”

“You?” His voice rose in clear surprise. The flicker of light from the campfire made the puzzled frown on his face look almost comical.

Anna straightened. She stared directly up at him. “I should have stopped you before you even had the chance to kiss me. I allowed it to happen. I simply wanted to –”

She stopped in mid-sentence. What had she wanted? Find out if she was ready to love again? She mentally shook her head. Not with a man like Ethan. He belonged in the wilderness, and she wasn’t cut out for that kind of life. A year’s worth of mourning and loneliness squeezed her chest. Ethan had taken all the heaviness away in that short kiss. He couldn’t have missed the slight hitch in her voice. She blinked back the sudden tears in her eyes.

“I’ve only been kissed by one man before, my fiancé,” she whispered because the tightness in her throat wouldn’t let the words come freely.

Ethan lifted his hand to his head and raked his fingers through his hair. He murmured something under his breath that sounded like a curse word.

“Why aren’t you married to him?” His question was more of a plea.

She hesitated, dropping eye contact. “He died.” Her voice cracked. “He died and it was my fault.” Anna turned away and sobbed into her hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you –”

Ethan’s leg shifted to take a step forward. He cut her off before she could finish. “Your fault? What happened?” He stood close enough behind her that his breath tickled her neck.

Anna swallowed to dislodge the growing squeezing of her throat. Taking in air became painful. “He had an accident because of me.” She spun around, then took a step back when she nearly collided with Ethan. “Because I declined his offer to have supper with him, he’s now dead.”

Ethan shifted again. “That don’t make any sense.”

Anna scoffed. “Do you recall accusing me of always being so helpful the night your hand got injured . . . and when I nearly poisoned you?” She waited for an answer. When he simply nodded, she continued. “Franklin decided to continue plowing one of his fields into the evening since I’d told him I had to help Cora that night. He was working hard to get his farm ready so that we could get married.” Scornfully, she added, “Because I helped out a friend, my fiancé died.”

Ethan shook his head in obvious confusion.

“A neighbor found him later . . . dead under the plow.” Anna sniffled. She wiped her hand across her eyes. “I was told he died instantly from a blow to the head.”

That awful day played again in her mind when Mr. Jones, Franklin’s neighbor, had come knocking on the door, letting her know that Franklin was dead. The sinking feeling of dread came over her, as if she was living through the ordeal all over again.

“I thought I could run away from my sorrow and guilt, so I told Cora I’d come with her and her family when she talked about heading to Oregon.”

Ethan’s body tensed, then he stepped up to her. His hand reached for her arm, hesitated, then pulled her toward him. Anna fell against his solid chest, accepting his surprising invitation to lean on him.

“Anna, what happened was an accident,” he said slowly, his words rumbling in his chest.

She leaned her head against his shoulder, holding in the tears while he held her in his arms. It felt so good to be held by him, so unexpected and surprising. Crickets chirped all around them, drowning out her quiet sobs.

“But if I had been there with him, if I had accepted his offer to have supper with him that evening, he wouldn’t have gone out in the field so late in the day, and it wouldn’t have happened,” she murmured into his shirt.

“Then it might have happened the next day, or the next, or several years from now. Accidents happen, and you can’t blame yourself for something like that.”

“But you blame yourself for what happened to your folks,” she whispered, and instantly regretted blurting out the words. Ethan stiffened and dropped his arms from around her.

“That’s completely different,” he growled, the tenderness gone from his voice.

The fragile connection she’d made with him broke. He was clearly not ready to talk about his own past. Anna grasped his arm in an attempt to salvage what they’d started. She stared up into his dark eyes.

“I’m sure you understand about guilt, Ethan. Cora told me about what happened to your family, and how you feel responsible. I feel responsible for what happened to my fiancé.”

“You didn’t part ways with him in anger the way I did with my folks.” Ethan’s words were strained. “There was nothing you could have done to help if you had been there.”

“I could have kept him from working that day,” Anna tried to reason.

“My folks died because I wasn’t there to help protect the family. Had I not insisted on going off on my own, defying my father, they wouldn’t have set up camp along the river, and wouldn’t have crossed paths with the men who robbed and killed them.”

Anna shook her head. “You don’t know that for sure.”

Ethan turned away from her. His hand raked through his hair as he stared at the ground. “A part of me died with them that day,” he murmured. Anna strained her ears to hear him.

“A part of me died with Franklin,” she whispered, and stepped up to him. “But it didn’t keep me from shutting out the people who still care about me.”

There was a long pause. “I failed my family.”

“Is that why you’re so closed off to everyone? Because you’re afraid you might fail them again?”

She reached her hand up to touch his shoulder. His muscles remained rigid beneath her touch. Her understanding of Ethan deepened. The strain in his voice was a clear indication that he’d never talked to anyone about his turmoil before. Neither had she, but her sorrow hadn’t lasted as long as his. Anna’s heart warmed as he’d exposed his vulnerable side.

Ethan’s neck and jaw looked harder than stone. His shoulders tightened even more.