Another Way to Fall (25 page)

‘Should I ask?’ Emma asked solemnly.

‘Em, I didn’t hear you,’ Meg said, turning towards her daughter. Her face glowed in an ominous green light that gave her a ghostly appearance. By the heart-wrenching look she gave her daughter, Emma’s appearance was just as spectral. Meg turned back to the screen and closed the online form she had been completing.

‘Too late, I saw it,’ Emma told her flatly. ‘Which whacky doctor have you been trying to track down now?’

Meg didn’t reply straight away, choosing instead to trace her fingers across the keyboard as she searched for an answer. ‘I’ve been in touch with the Boston clinic, just to check,’ she began.

‘And?’ Emma asked as she tried to keep her anger in check. She was trying so hard to come to terms with her fate, to accept that she was dying. It may not be the path she had chosen for herself but at least she could plan the time she had left with a degree of certainty. She had thought her mum had accepted that too but it had been yet another false hope. Meg may have stopped working long hours and was spending more time with Emma, but, rather than help her on her final journey, she was planning to pull her away at the last minute towards another path, one that could only lead to another dead-end, literally.

‘They’ve officially taken you off the programme,’ Meg said, trying to control her own anger.

‘I’m glad. And if that was another application for another clinical trial, then delete it. I’m not going. I’m staying here.’

Meg swivelled her chair around to face Emma. ‘I still think we need to keep our options open. I haven’t bothered you with this stuff because I know you’re so wrapped up with Ben at the moment but it doesn’t mean I have to stop looking.’

‘It has nothing to do with me being wrapped up with Ben. I don’t want to look because I know there isn’t any point.’

‘But I’ve just been reading …’ began Meg.

‘Stop! For God’s sake, Mum, stop!’ begged Emma, tears stinging her eyes. ‘I’ll do what’s necessary, I’ll undergo the radiotherapy and the chemo and any other treatments Mr Spelling is prepared to throw at me to give me more time but I’m staying here. I’ve accepted that I’m dying, why can’t you?’

‘Because I can’t!’ Meg yelled back in the faintest whisper. ‘Don’t make me give up, Emma. Please, I can’t do it!’

Emma didn’t know how to respond and even if she had found the words, she couldn’t physically speak. The two women stared at each other, both breathing rapidly in a desperate attempt to keep their tempers in check. Meg couldn’t hold Emma’s gaze so she turned her back on her daughter and began to purposefully close down her computer. The room was plunged into darkness and an eerie silence descended as the machinery was silenced. Neither Emma nor her mum moved.

‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ Emma said at last, reaching out blindly towards her.

Through the darkness, Meg found her daughter’s proffered hand and gripped it desperately in both of hers, lifting it towards her face, which was now wet with tears. ‘All I wanted from life was for both my daughters to be safe and happy. Nothing else. That’s all I wanted, that’s all I want.’

‘You can’t fix this, Mum. Please stop trying,’ begged Emma.

When Meg didn’t answer, Emma felt an urge to fill the silence and it was almost as if the darkness was trying to extract a confession. There were some secrets that Emma had kept from her mum for too long. ‘The book I’m writing, it’s about me,’ she said. ‘I know it’s going to be hard for you to take any comfort from that now but I hope one day you will. Mum, I’m going to live a very long and very amazing life. I am going to live happily ever after.’

There was a pause and Emma wondered if her mum was giving her one of her dismissive looks. ‘Is that enough? To write about it?’

‘It has to be enough. There aren’t any other options.’

Emma heard her mum stifle another sob. ‘OK,’ she said, the magnitude of her reply summed up in two innocent letters.

‘And it’s not like there aren’t good things in the real world too,’ continued Emma. ‘Ben loves me.’

‘And you love him too, don’t you?’ Meg replied and Emma sensed her mum smiling.

Emma nodded even though her mum couldn’t see her. ‘Yes, I do,’ she said. ‘He makes me happy, he really does.’

Meg stood up, still holding her daughter’s hand tightly. ‘Then I suppose if I can’t keep you safe, the least I can do is keep you happy. If you think he’s right for you and he won’t let you down then that’s good enough for me. You have my blessing.’

‘I’m glad you said that,’ began Emma as she thought back to her conversation with Ben earlier. He had said that he didn’t want to waste a moment with her and she was struggling through the nights on her own. There was an obvious solution. It was far too soon to think about Ben moving in, they hadn’t even slept together but in another lifetime they had just been married. ‘I want you two to get to know each other better and it’s his day off tomorrow. How about we have a family dinner here, just the three of us?’

‘That sounds lovely,’ agreed Meg. There was a pause as emotions were forced back with a hard swallow. ‘Anything you want, Emma. I’ll do anything you want.’

‘Then stop creeping around in the middle of the night trying to find a cure,’ Emma said. Her next words were so painful to speak out loud that they choked the breath out of her. ‘At some point you’re going to have to let me go, Mum.’

The sound of her mum gulping for air was heart wrenching. ‘My heart’s breaking, Emma and I can’t bear the thought of losing you,’ Meg said in a barely audible whisper.

‘I don’t want to be responsible for destroying your life; I won’t have that as my legacy. Promise me that you’ll get through this when I’m gone. Promise me you’ll be OK, Mum.’

The only indication that her mum agreed was the soft swish of her hair sweeping her shoulders as she nodded. ‘Ben isn’t the only one who loves you, Emma,’ Meg said, pulling her daughter towards her through the darkness and holding onto her for dear life. ‘I love you so much.’

‘And I love you, Mum. I always will. Always.’

Emma could feel her mum trembling and as they clung onto each other she knew that Meg was doing what Emma had done earlier that day, savouring a precious moment, committing every minute detail to memory. She could only hope that it would bring her mum some comfort when Emma was no longer there to hold.

Chapter 12

It was hot, almost unbearably so and the shade of the lush palms that whispered to us in the sea breeze offered little respite. Dappled light played across our bodies as we lay intertwined, rocking gently in a hammock. A tall cocktail glass rested on my chest and I could feel the condensation dripping onto my body, the fleeting chill bringing delightful relief to the heat. I could feel the gentle rise and fall of Ben’s chest as his breathing slowed, a telltale sign that he was drifting off to sleep again. His body felt damp with sweet sweat.

‘Can you believe how beautiful this place is? Just look at that scenery,’ I said, peeking through the swaying palms at the cliffs that rose up steeply from the shoreline.

Ben snored softly in response. I nudged him and he opened an eye to look at me. ‘Hmm, beautiful.’

‘You were the one who insisted on Hawaii, the least you can do is climb a volcano and take some pretty pictures.’

He kissed my shoulder. ‘Where did that drink come from?’

As I laughed, my glass jiggled and my grip tightened on it. ‘The waiter brought it to me while you were asleep. He thought I looked hot.’

‘You are hot,’ Ben assured me, leaving his lips hovering over my skin, which tingled with excitement.

‘You have to say that, I’m your wife,’ I told him. How could I feel anything but insignificant when surrounded by such perfect beauty, from the clear blue of the ocean to the gleam of the golden sands? How could I compare to the delicate shells scattered across the beach, each one a tiny work of art, intricately carved by nature with a lining that captured shimmering rainbows?

‘You’re beautiful,’ he insisted.

‘I can’t believe you just did that!’ cried Emma.

Ben was laughing and didn’t look in the least bit remorseful. They were lying on Emma’s bed, relaxing after a surprisingly enjoyable dinner with her mum. Emma had her computer perched on her lap with Ben lying alongside her. It had been against Emma’s better judgement to let him watch as she typed and she was now paying for her misguided trust. He had pulled the laptop away from her and written the last line before Emma could stop him.

‘You are beautiful,’ he said. ‘I won’t have you thinking anything else, not in that world and not in this.’ His tone was surprisingly serious.

Emma unconsciously pulled at the edges of her headband, which was wide enough to hide the latest war wound on her scalp. ‘OK, I won’t delete it as long as you step away from the laptop,’ she conceded.

Ben dutifully shifted position on the bed. He was wearing his Hawaiian shirt but that hadn’t been his only contribution to the story Emma was writing. The whole day had been about bringing a little of their imaginary world to life. They had toyed with the idea of going to the beach but gale-force winds were never going to summon up images of a tropical island despite Ben’s best intentions. Emma had been willing to give it a go but Ben was still a little nervous about pushing her too far, he didn’t want the responsibility of another disastrous expedition. So as a compromise, he had bought a DVD of
South Pacific
, leis made from artificial flowers to wear around their necks and all the trappings for making cocktails. It had reminded Emma more of a cheesy hen night than a honeymoon but she couldn’t be happier. Simply having Ben with her was enough and she intended to keep him all night.

‘Is it safe to continue?’ Emma asked, raising an eyebrow. Ben was now facing Emma but he had remained close. He hooked his arm below her crossed legs and began to stroke the side of her thigh.

‘I’m ready.’

‘You’re beautiful too,’ I told him. ‘I don’t know how I got so lucky.’

Ben didn’t respond and I guessed he was falling back to sleep. We’re married, I told myself and savoured the sense of satisfaction that thought gave me. I felt safe and, more importantly, complete. If I could bottle a moment it would be this one, it really couldn’t get any better than this.

‘I love you,’ Ben whispered and my perfect moment began to sparkle with its own rainbows.

‘And I love you,’ I said, almost choking with emotion.

Ben leaned over me, kissing his way up my arm, across my chest, following the strap of my bikini before finally reaching the cocktail glass still perched on my chest, leaving me breathless. I groaned as he kissed my lips briefly before returning his attention to the glass. He gripped the straw between his teeth and then wrapped his lips around it as he started to drink, never taking his eyes off me.

I held his gaze for the longest time, distracted by his beautiful brown eyes, exactly as he intended. The glass was practically empty by the time I realized what he was doing.

‘Hey, you drank it all,’ I cried, pushing him away. The hammock twisted in midair and then started to tip. I let go of the glass but not the hammock, clinging on for dear life. Ben wasn’t so quick. He was unceremoniously dumped onto the ground along with the remnants of my cocktail, landing on the sand with a thump. I heard the distinct crunch of shells. As I swayed back and forth in the hammock, his shocked face came in and out of view, his mouth open and a sprinkling of exotic fruit slices sliding down his body.

‘Did I really deserve that?’ Ben laughed as Emma finished reading her latest instalment.

‘Maybe you’ll think twice before you try to take over my writing again,’ Emma warned as she shut down the computer and pushed it to one side so that there were no barriers left between them.

Ben took advantage of the empty space and slid over Emma’s lap, which was still warm from the heat of the laptop, before moving ever upwards until they were nose to nose. ‘I think we need to make another one of those perfect moments,’ he said, waiting until he was sure he had her complete attention. She held her breath. ‘I love you, Emma, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, more than I thought I possibly could.’

The words made every nerve in her body tingle and she had to suppress a groan. She was about to tell him she loved him too but he cut off her words with a deep and lingering kiss. The kiss became more intense and they synchronized their movements until they were lying down, wrapped in each other’s arms. When the kiss ended, they were both breathless.

‘Are we going too fast?’ Ben asked between ragged breaths.

‘Yes,’ replied Emma with a half-laugh. ‘But I’m living my life at lightning speed so you’ll just have to keep up.’

‘But that doesn’t mean we have to rush everything,’ Ben replied. He kissed her nose, let his lips hover briefly over her mouth before moving down towards her neck as Emma groaned out loud this time.

‘Will you stay the night?’ she whispered.

Ben continued to kiss her neck as he replied, ‘Yes.’

‘Will you stay every night?’ Ben stopped what he was doing and when he looked up, Emma didn’t know what to expect.

His expression wasn’t the look of horror that she had feared, nor was there a hint of reluctance. He looked ready. ‘You want us to move in together?’

‘I’d have to talk it through with Mum and I know it’s not exactly an idyllic cottage in Wales, but it’s a way for us to spend more time together, if that’s what you want?’

‘It doesn’t have to be a cottage in Wales, just like it doesn’t have to be a Hawaiian beach. The best memories I could possibly make are when I close my eyes and kiss you,’ he said. ‘It doesn’t matter whether the wind is howling outside or we can hear the sound of waves crashing against the shore. Once I can feel your lips on mine, I’m home.’

‘Then close your eyes.’

Emma slid her body on top of his and they both closed their eyes. Silently, they started to undress each other and when Ben kissed her bare flesh, she dug her fingers into the quilt cover and found warm silken sand.