Apocalypsis: Book 3 (Exodus) (17 page)

“I promise too,” said Fohi, grabbing me in an awkward hug that felt more like a wrestling move.  I closed my eyes until it was over, afraid if I looked at Rob or Fohi again, I would cry.

They walked away and I waved feebly, too stunned to act like a proper friend and thank them aloud, and too afraid to argue them into staying.  I was going to need all the loyal team members I could get.

***

I got to the hut and found Paci waiting for me, along with my roommates.  He held his finger up to his lips at them, in a gesture that seemed to be telling them to be quiet about something, and met me at the entrance.

“Hey,” he said, searching my face.

“Hey,” I responded, feeling totally awkward and weird about him being there, wondering what he’d been talking to my friends about before I arrived.  I was hoping he wasn’t still mad at me, and I really didn’t want to say goodbye in front of everyone.  I was sure to bawl and get all boogery again.  My feelings for Paci were complicated, but at the very least, he’d been one of my most supportive friends - and this world was too small and scary sometimes to not really appreciate that.

“Can I talk to you for a sec … like take a quick walk or something?”

“I have to get to bed soon,” I said, eyeing him warily.

“It won’t take long, I promise.”

I shrugged.  “Sure.”  I looked over at Peter.  “Be right back.”

He waved me away, busy with his packing.  There were three backpacks sitting on the floor next to him, filled to the brim, packed like my dad had taught me and how I had taught Peter.  It made me smile to see my dad’s influence on him like that.  It lightened my heavy heart just a touch.

Paci left the hut and I followed behind, not sure where he was taking me.  I’d never been the way he was going before, probably because it was a maze of cypress trees that had grown into a web of roots that rose out of the ground several feet, some of them indistinguishable from branches.  It wasn’t an easy stroll down a well-worn path by any means.

He stopped at a big group of trees and roots, pointing up to one that looked like a loveseat hanging in the air.  “Let’s sit up there.”

I nodded once.  It was kind of cool, actually, this natural hangout up in the trees.  It reminded me of the treehouse I’d always wanted.  Paci led the way to the base of the tree hosting the seat and used well-worn nobs and branch-steps to work his way up.  I followed and soon we were both sitting side-by-side on the natural seat, looking out through the trees and down to the ground below.

“Thanks for coming out here with me.  I know you have a big day ahead of you.”

“No problem.  This is cool.”

An awkward silence fell over us.  I busied myself with trying to visually separate the crunchy leaves from the not-so-crunchy ones on the ground, making a plan for a silent disappearance, for no reason other than to avoid thinking about my feelings for Paci which were growing more confusing and stressful by the day, hour, and minute.

“I know I’ve been acting weird around you,” said Paci, “and I’m sorry about that.”

I looked at him, surprised.  “You’ve been acting weird?  I thought I was the weirdo.”

He smiled.  “No.  It was me.  You’re as cool as you’ve ever been.”

I nudged him with the side of my body.  “Thanks.  I think you’re lying, but thanks anyway.”

“I like you, Bryn.  I mean … I
really
like you.”

My throat closed up a little bit as my pulse rate doubled and then tripled.  My voice sounded strained when it was finally able to work again.  “So you’re just gonna come right out and say it, huh?”

He laughed.  “Yeah.  I figured I might as well.  You’re gonna shoot me down anyway, right?”

My face was burning and I was sweating now.  I sighed.  “There’s no use denying that I think you’re … you know … really good looking.  And funny.  And fun to be around.  But you know I have to find Bodo …”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.  I get it.  I respect that.  I mean, if you were my girl, I’d want to know you loved me that much - to come after me like that.”

“It’s a real relief to hear you say that, Paci, because I don’t want to be mean to you or treat you bad.  I think you’re a really special person.”

“No harm, no foul.  I’m cool.  You’ll probably hate me in a second anyway when I say one last thing.”

I was instantly wary.  “What?  Do I really want to know?  Maybe you can just not say it.”

“No.  I have to say it.  I know I would always regret it if I didn’t.”  He turned to look at me.  “I just want to say that if you go out there, and you don’t find him, or you do and it’s bad news, I want to be the next guy in line.”

 My emotions were jumbled up and mixed around like the roots of the tree I was sitting on.  There were feelings for both guys inside me, twisted together so much, I couldn’t see where one started and the other began. 
How can I want to find Bodo with everything I have, and at the same time wish I could be with Paci just once, to see how it could be?
  I stood up, disgusted with myself, grabbing the branch beside me.  “I’ve gotta go, Paci.  I can’t deal with this right now.” 
I’ve gotta get out of here before I do something stupid.

He stood up next to me and grabbed the same branch, towering over me and blocking my way to the tree’s trunk where I could climb down.  “I’m sorry to lay that on you.  Don’t be mad.  I just had to get it off my chest, and let you know how I feel.”

“That’s cool.” I said, looking down.  “I’m not mad.  But I’ve really gotta go.”

He reached up with his free hand and put his finger under my chin, tilting my face up so I was forced to look at him.

I tried not to look but it would have been weak and childish to refuse to meet his gaze, so I did.  Within seconds, his earnest, almost slightly pained expression and the chocolaty brown of his eyes, ringed by eyelashes so dark they made him look like he was wearing smudged eyeliner, drew me in, making me feel a little dizzy.

Neither of us said anything for a few moments.  His hand left my chin and went to my hair.  He pulled a hunk of it out gently to the side and looked at it.  “So pretty,” he said in a soft voice.  His eyes came back to mine.  “You’re beautiful, you know that?  I love to watch you do your thing.”

My breath was caught in my throat.  He sounded like Bodo and then again he didn’t.  He was calmer, but more intense, less playful.

I watched as if in a dream, as his face got closer to me and his eyes closed.  My lashes fluttered down of their own accord, and a second later I felt his warm breath on my mouth and then his lips touching mine.

His kiss was tentative at first, testing me to feel for my reaction.  The fact that he hadn’t really forced himself on me and was still giving me an out made me lose my focus.  To be given this gift, an amazing guy who could have had any girl in the world, wanting to be with me and telling me how pretty I was … it was a heady drug in this world of sometimes very intense loneliness.  His tongue came out to touch the spot where our mouths met, and I couldn’t help but use my tongue to greet him there.

His free hand came up behind me and pulled me against him.  The only thing keeping us from falling fifteen feet down to the ground below was the branch above our heads that we both gripped onto with our other hands.  It was awkward and dangerous and stupid and wrong and right, all at the same time. 

The kiss became as passionate as it could have with us like that, standing on a web of roots and holding on for dear life one-handed.

Paci’s hand moved down to squeeze my butt, and without thinking too hard about it, I pulled his waist closer to me.  Something inside of me wanted to feel our bodies pressed together.  He was big and solid, warm and musky-smelling, making me feel safe and desired.

But it was when I felt how aroused he was that the shock of it woke me out of the haze of passion.

I moved my hand that had drifted to his butt, over to his waist and pushed him away, pulling my head back at the same time.  He was left hanging above me, his lips apart and his glistening tongue poised at his bottom lip.

“What?  Why’d you stop?” he asked breathlessly, pulling my head back towards him and resting his forehead on mine.

My brain and body were warring one another.  My hands and hips and breasts wanted to pull him close again.  But my brain knew it was wrong.  I loved Bodo, and until I knew he was gone from this earth, I had to stay true to that.  If he were out there somewhere waiting for me, then I knew he was being true to me.

“I can’t, Paci.  I want to, in a way, but I can’t.  It’s …”

“Bodo.  I know.  You don’t have to say it.”  Paci stood up straight, licking his lips and running his hand over his braided hair.  “Come on.  I’ll stop torturing us both.”  He turned around quickly, moving along the branch like he did it every day, practically running down the natural steps that led to the swamp floor.

I took my time getting down, not trusting myself to be as sure-footed as I normally was.  I was trembling from the pent-up passion and conflicting feelings of guilt.

Paci held his hand out to help me down the last few steps and I took it, releasing it as soon as my foot touched the ground.

“I’m sorry I did that,” he said quietly, breaking the silence that made me want to run away from him as fast as I could.  “I just needed you to know how I felt before you left … to see if maybe there was a chance you’d stay.”

“I can’t stay.  I was hoping you’d understand that.”  I forgot my plan to avoid the crunchy leaves and stepped wherever I needed to in order to get back as quickly as I could without running like a scared little girl.

“No.  I do.  I completely do.  I don’t know why I’m staying, to be honest.”

“Because it’s your home, that’s why.”

“I’m wondering why that matters so much, though, when it’s run by people who’d send kids like you and those other guys out into a world full of cannibals.”

“They’re doing what they think is right.  I happen to think they’re wrong, but I’m not in charge.”

Paci held his hand out, stopping my eager pace.  “What would you do if you were?” he asked.

My feet slowed and I came to a halt, looking at his face.  He seemed dead serious, even though it was a wasted question.  “Why does it matter?”

“I’m just curious.”

I hadn’t thought of it before, even though Fohi’d said that stupid thing about me being a chiefesse.  I had no intention of being the chief of any group.  “I’m no leader.”

“Just say that you were.  What would you do in this situation?”

“I’d let them stay, of course.”

“And what about the next hundred people that came by?  What about them?”

I shook my head at him.  “You’re not getting it.  I’d let anyone come and stay.  Anyone who didn’t mean us harm.”

“But how would you support them?”

I threw my hands up in frustration.  “The same way you’re supporting people now!  Hunt and grow food, grow crops to make clothing, build huts for them to live in.  The place is big enough for thousands of people.”

“But what if you had a ton of kids show up, all at once, and didn’t have the crops or food or whatever?”

“I’d find a way, Paci.  I’d plan ahead and assume they’d come.  I know it might not be comfortable for a season or two, until crops grew or animals were born, or whatever … but this country was big enough for millions of people before.  Surely it can manage a few thousand around here.”

“You make it sound so simple,” he said, shaking his head.

“It
is
simple.  People need to be with people.  There’s safety in numbers.  Kids who are doing the right thing deserve to be here.  Add it all up.  You want to stay safe against a canner invasion?  You’d better start inviting some friends in here.  Your tribe is about to lose several members.  You should be building your tribes, not whittling them away.  It’s just plain stupid and ignorant, and I’m not going to hang around here and get slaughtered with the rest of you.”

“That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?” he asked, no censure in his voice.  It was almost as if he were testing me with his questions.

“Harsh?  Only if you consider reality harsh.  I guess it is, these days.  Read George’s journal, which has never been wrong, so far.  There’s safety in numbers.  Our enemy is growing.  There are gangs of those animals in almost every town now.  They’re going to band together at some point when they realize they can take down an entire community of easy meat like you guys and feed themselves for months.”

“That’s kind of disgusting when you put it that way.”

“Whatever.  It sucks, but it’s our reality.  And I’m not going to be a sitting duck.”  I walked away, leaving him standing there.  “I have to go, Paci.  Goodnight.”

“Night,” he said.

I barely heard him as I intentionally put distance between us as fast as I could.  I didn’t need to waste my time explaining myself to him; he either got it or he didn’t.  But regardless, I was leaving and he was staying and I’d probably never seem him again after tomorrow.  And maybe I wouldn’t even see him then.

I wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand, hating myself for kissing him back.

***

I got back to the hut and the guys were sitting on the mattresses, deep in conversation.

“What’s up, guys?” I asked, coming in and dropping down onto the floor, grabbing Buster into my lap to play with his ears.  I needed some doggy therapy to cool my jets.  I watched their faces, looking to see if they were judging me over what they might suspect I’d been up to, but all I saw was concern.

“We’re just talking logistics,” said Peter.  “I’ve got backpacks for everyone, a pair of moccasins for each of the guys, so we’re all set there.  And the food we brought that hasn’t been eaten is all in.  I guess what we don’t have is our trailer and bikes.  I’m worried about doing this whole thing on foot.”

“We’ll get our bikes and our trailer back,” I said.

“Do you think they’ll let us have them?” asked Peter.

I frowned at him.  “Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not getting kicked out of this place.  I’m leaving voluntarily.  And I’m taking everything I brought, including my weapons.  If they think they can stop me from doing that, they’ll soon learn they’re wrong.”