ARC: Essence (13 page)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I thought I was going to die when I woke up the next morning.

It was just after sunrise; I could tell that by the weak light filtering through the room’s filmy curtains. A white plaster ceiling stretched above my head, but the rest of the room was a bit of a mystery. I seemed to have a nine hundred pound weight gluing me to my pillow, and this made anything beyond slight movements impossible.

My head was pounding like the drums at the Falls, and my insides felt like I’d somehow swallowed one of those flaming fire sticks. A burning, acidic taste sat in my mouth, and I don’t think I’d ever been so thirsty in my entire life.

It occurred to me that I had no idea where I was, but even this paled in comparison to my sudden and burning need to vomit – which I did, off the side of the bed, into a metal garbage can apparently prepared for the task.

I noticed a hand towel, a glass of water, and two white pills arranged neatly on the nightstand to my right. Wiping my mouth, I reached for the water and began slurping.

As I sank back into the bed, I tried to fight the hazy film currently coating my brain. A nebulous feeling of guilt swirled somewhere just out of my reach, and it irked me that I couldn’t quite place it.

We were watching moonbows. And then there was moonshine… and Jett… and the slackline… I remembered the music, the fire dancers… Did I really go to the bathroom in the woods? And then there was the creek, Ryder and Shayla… And then…

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I rolled onto my back and covered my face with both my hands.

I kissed Javi. I kissed Javi
hard
, and his hands were under my shirt, and… No, no, no.

Guilt and mortification surged through me. Javi hadn’t been drinking, so I was sure his memory wasn’t spotty like mine. What did he think when I pressed him up against that tree? When I bolted away and left him lying there?

I frowned, unsettled. Why
did
I leave him lying there?

“Welcome to my bedroom, Red. Told you you’d forget everything and wake up next to a complete stranger.” The voice was Ryder’s. As he entered from the hallway to my left, his words brought me reeling back to the present.

Oh, no, that’s why.

I felt an electric jolt shoot through me. “What happened?”

Ryder’s grin was wide. “Told you to watch out for that moonshine.”

“But what…?” I didn’t even know what I was trying to ask. “Ryder, I’m so… I made a fool out of myself, didn’t I?”

His voice became surprisingly reassuring. “It’s fine, Red. I promise. It’s moonbows; everyone gets stupid at moonbows.”

“But I…” The more I remembered, the more I wanted to vomit again. “I was so out of control… I can’t believe I…”

Ryder reached across the bed and smoothed the hair from my forehead – an unexpected act of gentleness that made me start. “Red, it’s really fine. Really. No one’s gonna judge you for what you did or didn’t do at moonbows.”

“But I did a lot.” I struggled to sit up. “I kissed Javi on the ground, and my shirt was almost off, and I came running after you to…”

I paused. Why
did
I go running after him?

“To tell me you were in love with me?” Ryder’s grin spread, and that boyish swagger returned. “Remember that, Red? When you said you were in love with me?”

“I didn’t say that!” I thought I’d die of embarrassment. “I didn’t say that… Did I?”

“I don’t know.” His eyes became playful. “What do you think? Think you’re in love with me?”

“No! I’m not… I’m just…”

“Kinda in love with me?”

I was so humiliated I couldn’t even meet his eyes when he glanced at my trash can and added, “Are you feeling any better?”

“I’m so sorry.” I sank a little farther into the bed. “I kinda want to die right now.”

“Red, seriously, it’s fine.” He pushed the trash can aside and reached for my hand. “It’s really not a big deal; happens to all of us. And you wanna know the best part?”

“There’s a best part?”

“Yeah. Of course there is.” He cocked his head. “We can stop playing games now, if… well, if you meant what you said last night about… you know… wanting to spend more time with me, too?”

I could have been imagining things, but I swear he actually looked a little nervous when he added, “You know, about what Kadence said about me? It’s not true, but it’s not a hundred percent untrue, either. I used to be a lot different than I am now, but I
am
different now, Red. And I want to show you I’m worthy of being the guy that’s
your
guy. Would that be all right with you?”

Before I could answer, he bounded from the bed. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Let me do this right. Romance you, sweep you off your feet… All that old-fashioned, chivalrous-type stuff. It’ll be awesome.”

The jostling of the bed reminded me why I was incapacitated here in the first place. I winced and sank back into the pillow. “Can we wait until I’m strong enough to stand again? I
will
be strong enough to stand again, won’t I?”

“Absolutely.” Ryder headed toward the door. “It’s called a hangover; you should be right as rain by tomorrow. In the meantime, why don’t you stay in bed and rest for a while?”

I shook my head and immediately regretted it. “Can’t. I have chores…”

“You and the chores, Red. Don’t worry; I’ll take care of them.” He twisted the doorknob. “I’m gonna pop downstairs and grab us some breakfast. Why don’t I wake you back up in a bit?”

When I awoke – a couple hours later, judging by the window’s changing light – a thick loaf of bread smeared with butter had replaced the hand towel on my nightstand. The garbage can was gone, and a shining glass of water sat next to a sprig of pale wildflowers.

I smiled and reached for them. They were papery, rose-like blooms – white in the center and faded to pink on the edges. I had heard of people bringing flowers as gifts before, but Cedar denounced the practice as wasteful. No one I’d ever known had actually given or received a flower.

The emotions I felt welling inside me while I held the tiny, perfect buds are difficult to describe. My body still felt weak, but my heart swelled until I felt like it might burst from my chest. Suddenly, the rest of the world didn’t matter so much anymore.

Yes, I’d done stupid things last night. I was sure Javi was mad at me, and who knows what he’d told Kadence. I didn’t know what had happened to Jett, and I had no idea how many people had seen Ryder take me to his bedroom.

But you know what? I was pushing my heart rate readings, and I was helping Rex disprove the Essence theory. I was sitting here holding flowers from a boy, and that boy seemed to actually like me.

I thought back to Kadence’s warning about Ryder, and then to Ryder’s rebuttal:
You’re gonna listen to
anything
that girl has to say about me?

Maybe she was wrong about him. Didn’t he at least deserve a chance to prove himself?

Sometime later, after I’d finished my bread, chugged my water and taken the two white pills, I managed to finally stagger out of bed and get my first clear look at Ryder’s bedroom. It was a sparse space – with a thick white comforter, filmy curtains and dark wood furniture – but it was scattered with books and small tokens and souvenirs. Tidy stacks of river stones, clusters of dried sage, petals, driftwood and tiny white seashells… All these items were lovingly arranged on counters and shelves and bookcases, and I smiled at their sentimentality.

There were two old-fashioned photographs in the room – an unexpected touch of personalization that took me by surprise. One was a small, framed image of a white-blond child and a handsome young man grinning from a cliff’s steep overlook. Half Dome gleamed in the background, and the words on the left corner read, “Glacier Point, October 13, 2031”.

The man was immediately recognizable: a younger version of Rex Stone. Which means the little boy must be Ryder, I thought. I picked up the frame and studied the little boy carefully, and my feelings for Ryder surged at the knowledge that he had once been young and hopeful and bowlegged, just like everybody else.

I walked toward the second photograph: a large black-and-white image framed on the wall nearest the window. In it, a wiry, shirtless man stood balancing on a highline. A cliff loomed in the background behind him, and the highline stretched in front of him – disappearing into the foreground on the lower right side of the scene. A spectator, ant-sized and indistinct, watched him from the far cliff.

The man stood suspended over a vast stretch of nothingness. His right leg was firmly planted on the highline, but his other foot hovered nearly horizontal to his left. His arms were twisted for balance, and his muscles were tense. His face was homed like a laser on the rope before him, and his black hair gleamed in the sunlight.

It was no wonder Ryder did crazy things for fun, with this man giving him inspiration all the time. I peered closer and tried to make out the words in the lower left corner: “Dean Potter, Taft Point, 2009”.

My mother was five years old then.

The bedroom door creaked open. I turned, expecting to see Ryder again, but Javi’s steely gaze met me instead.

He held a broom in one hand and a bucket of cleaning rags in the other. His jaw was tense, and his eyes were narrowed into slits. “Morning, Autumn,” he said, voice icy. “Get a good night’s sleep?”

“Javi, what are you doing here?”

“Cleaning the Master’s bedroom.” He strode forward and kicked a rug back into place. “This is what I do now, apparently. What are
you
doing here?”

Before I could answer, he glanced at the rumpled bed and the flowers resting on the nightstand. “Should I change these sheets now or what?”

“What? Javi, no… This isn’t what it… Nothing happened between Ryder and me last night. I just started feeling sick, so he brought me back and let me stay here. We didn’t…” I cleared my throat. “We didn’t
do
anything, Javi. We didn’t even kiss.”

“Well, that was generous of you. Limit of one guy per night, then?”

“Javi.” I felt tears welling in my eyes. “I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry I left you last night. I don’t know what I was doing… I barely even remember leaving…”

“That’s because you drank about a gallon of moonshine, Autumn. You practically attacked me, and then you left.” He scowled. “You were acting ridiculous. And I know it wasn’t you – I know it was the moonshine – but I didn’t like it. I didn’t like seeing you act like them.”

“Like
them
?” His words rankled me. “Like
who
, Javi? Like Jett and Ryder and Cody? Like the people who told us about this place and brought us here in the first place? Like
those people
?”

He met my challenge. “Yeah,” he said. “Like those people. You know, not everyone in the Community acts like Ryder or Jett or Cody. There are people like Kadence, too. People who understand you don’t need to act like an idiot and tear your clothes off to get your heart rate elevated.”

“Tear my clothes off?” I thrust my finger into his chest. “You may act all judgmental on me now, but you didn’t seem too offended by my decisions last night. As a matter of fact, I think it was
your
hands inside my shirt, and it was
you
who pulled us to the ground. I may have been drinking, but I remember some things. And you wanted me just as much as I wanted you.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t get up and leave you! I didn’t go running off after some other girl, and I certainly didn’t spend the night in that other girl’s bed.”

He had me there. I felt my argument weakening, but I couldn’t give in, so I scowled and thrust my finger harder into his chest. “You’re just jealous,” I said. “You’re jealous because
you
wanted to spend the night with me, and I chose Ryder instead.”

The instant the words left my lips, I knew they were the wrong ones.

Instead of fighting me, Javi just scowled. “You’re right,” he said, and he stalked to collect his cleaning supplies. “You’re right, Autumn. I thought what you and I had was special. I thought it had the potential to grow into something big – maybe even something huge – but it looks like I was wrong. Apparently, you like assholes.”

With one swipe, he knocked a pile of river stones off Ryder’s dresser. The pebbles jangled crazily to the floor, and they ricocheted and scattered like grains of sand.

“Just so you know,” he said, “he
will
hurt you. Maybe not today; maybe not tomorrow. But soon. I guarantee that. And you know what? I never,
ever
would have.” He clenched the door handle and spat before leaving, “Tell the Master he can clean his own goddamned bedroom.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I tried running after Javi, but I didn’t have any explanation for what happened, and he knew that as well as I did. The only thing I could manage was a weak “I’m sorry,” but that didn’t help things much.

It didn’t help things at all, actually, because he countered with, “What are you sorry for, Autumn? For choosing him over me? Because you did. You realize that, don’t you? You chose
Ryder Stone
, the biggest asshole in this entire Valley.”

“Javi…” My lower lip trembled, and I felt the ripping away of what had quickly become one of the only constants in my life. One of the only things that made me feel like I was home here.

“What?” Javi’s lower lip seemed to be trembling, too. “What do you want to say, Autumn? Because I know you don’t want to say you’ve made a mistake. I know you don’t want to say you’d rather be with me than him. Tell me I’m wrong.”

I couldn’t, and he knew that as well as I did. But as I watched him turn and storm down the gleaming stone steps, the pain in his expression was so overwhelming that I wished more than anything I could.

It was nearly noon when I finally made it to Curry Village, and my skin felt clammy as Rex removed my wristband and downloaded my heart rate and hormone readings into his database.

“Got your new file all set up,” he said, smiling proudly as he addressed his computer: “Autumn Grace, please. Patient number two-four-seven. Inception to present, stabilized with averages.”

My name appeared on the screen, and my very own wiggly green lines stretched from the dates May 22, 2038 to May 29, 2038.

“Impressive first reading, Autumn,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “Looks like you had some really strong spikes this week. I’m proud of you.”

I sat a little straighter as he pointed to the graph. “Shall we go through your readings a bit?”

I nodded. Soon he was zooming in, localizing data and explaining the graph’s ups and downs to me. “Looks like you took my words to heart when you left my office on Sunday. What are these huge spikes around two o’clock?”

“Vernal Fall.” I felt myself blushing. “Javi and I hiked, and then we went swimming. We saw Ryder and his friends up there, and… it was a fun day.”

He smiled – was it knowingly? – and then we moved on to the next few days. He laughed at my complete disdain of horses and applauded Kadence for taking us out of our comfort zones, and then we looked at last night’s readings: the bizarre peaks and squiggles that spiked like crazy during moonbows.

“Last night was a good night for you,” he said. “Were you at Yosemite Falls with my son and his friends?”

“Yes, sir.” I don’t know why his question flustered me so much, but it did. I abruptly dipped my head. “The boys set up a slackline over the creek, and Jett and I had some moonshine. It was… um, fun. But I sorta drank too much, and I…”

“You did exactly what you should have done for our cause.”

I felt my blush deepen. “Thanks,” I said, stealing a glance at him. His ice-blue eyes caught mine, and my stomach fluttered as he smiled and patted my shoulder.

“Autumn, these readings are very powerful, especially for a new recruit. I can’t tell you how proud I am that you’re already putting yourself out there like this.” He rolled his chair away from the desk and popped to his feet. “Let me get you some medicine. You probably feel fairly nauseated today, don’t you?”

Contentment purred upward inside me, and I nodded, overwhelmed by the detached way he wasn’t judging me for my actions. I’m not sure why I had expected him to react like Javi, but I had. Maybe it was the way Cedar and his meditation masters had always been the ones to discipline me back home; maybe it was the way my mother and the other women in my life always seemed to judge me from afar.

Adults were always the ones imposing their beliefs on me, always telling me I wasn’t living up to their expectations. Was it possible Rex really
didn’t
care if I drank too much moonshine or lost control every now and then? Was it possible that, for once, I was actually doing everything exactly the way I was supposed to?

Rex returned with a glass of water and two dark pills. “Charcoal,” he said. “It will soak the excess alcohol from your system. Make sure to drink plenty of water, and get lots of rest this afternoon. You should be good as new tomorrow.”

He glanced at the computer screen. “Just finished my son’s readings, actually. He had a pretty solid spike just before two himself. You didn’t have anything to do with that, did you, Autumn?”

“No.” My cheeks were definitely burning now. “No… I didn’t… I…”

“Very well.” He smiled. “It’s none of my business, anyway. But if you do decide to engage in physical relationships here, just remember to register your partners, OK?”

I would have forgotten about morning meditation completely if Kadence hadn’t caught up with me outside the clinic. Her cheeks were flushed from running, and a crease marred the perfect smoothness of her forehead.

“Autumn, are you OK?” She held me at arm’s length. “I was so worried when you didn’t show up this morning. Is everything all right?”

Her proximity startled me, and I found myself freezing so she wouldn’t smell the alcohol on my breath. “I’m fine,” I stammered. “I just… I wasn’t feeling so good. I’m sorry I missed…”

Before I could finish, someone began running across the parking lot toward us. It was a blond man in fatigues, and he carried a large white bundle in his arms. It was Brian, the guard I’d met at the park’s entrance, and his eyes were glassy as he reached the clinic door.

In his arms, he held a person. A light-haired person wrapped in sheets, and the sheets were quickly becoming stained with rivers of dark crimson blood.

“Shayla!” Kadence sprinted toward him. “Brian, where did you find her? Is she all right?”

Brian pushed past her. “Rex, you gotta get out here! I found Shayla!”

The color in Kadence’s face drained at the sight of her friend. Shayla was unconscious, and her head lolled to one side as Brian shifted her weight in his arms. Her temple was caked in dried blood, and her normally silky hair was matted to her blouse. A dark stain seeped from a spot near her temple.

The world seriously began to spin, and I felt vomit rise in my throat as Kadence stammered, “Brian, what happened?”

“Not sure.” His voice was unsteady, and I wondered if he might vomit, too. “I found her near the base of the Falls this morning. She must have slipped off the slackline at moonbows last night.”

Slipped off the slackline?

Rex and Daniel surrounded us. Daniel held Kadence as she screamed and cried and went limp in his arms, and Rex took Shayla from Brian and yelled to his assistants: “Clear off the operating table! There may still be time to save her!”

Within a few seconds, I was alone again. The world was spinning, and I was thinking about slacklines and bloody sheets and head wounds. And then I was crouched on the gravel, and my buttery, perfect loaf of bread was being heaved into the bushes at my feet.

It was more than an hour before Rex reemerged from surgery. Kadence, Brian and I were sitting like statues on the split rail fence when he opened the clinic door and announced, “She lost a lot of blood, but we managed to get her stitched and stabilized before it was too late.”

Relief flooded through Kadence, and she jumped to her feet. “Rex, that’s amazing! Where is she? When can I see her?”

Rex touched her forearm. “Shayla has decided to cross over, my dear. This accident has shaken her up quite a bit, and she thinks it’s time for her to shift her attentions elsewhere. Daniel is preparing to take her to Tuolumne Meadows as we speak; she may not be returning for a while.”

“What?” Kadence’s face paled. “Rex, no way. Shayla isn’t ready to cross over yet; she’s only eighteen. And even if she
were
ready, she’d say goodbye to me first; I know she would.”

“Kadence.” Rex’s voice became paternal. “You know as well as I do that the urge to cross over sometimes strikes us suddenly. Shayla has been through a lot; I need you to support her in this decision.”

“But Rex, no! Shayla would never cross over without telling me first. You have to change her mind; you have to let me see her.”

Rex and I exchanged a look as he gathered Kadence in his arms. “Please understand where Shayla is coming from, Kadence. She believes crossing over is critical to her recovery, so we must respect her wishes – no matter how much we hurt for her. She loves you, my dear; I’m certain she will be back as soon as she regains her inner balance.”

“But she
won’t
.” Kadence’s tears were wet against Rex’s shirt. “They never come back, Rex; you know that as well as I do.”

“Kadence.” His voice was tender. “Tuolumne Meadows exists as a refuge for those who have already given themselves to our cause. Retirees are free to go back and forth as they please, but if they choose not to… Kadence, if Shayla chooses to stay in the High Country, you must be willing to let her go. We must think of what’s best for her, not for us.”

He met my eyes. “Autumn, will you please help me? I must begin preparations for Shayla’s crossing-over celebration. Will you help Kadence back to the Ahwahnee?”

I felt the swell of purpose filling me. “Yes, Rex,” I said. “I’ll take her home.”

Shayla’s crossing-over celebration was held the very next night. She didn’t attend – retirees never did, apparently – but the Ahwahnee Meadow was decorated in a wash of candles and lights and flowers so beautiful they painted the scene like a canvas. Everyone wore white, and Rex looked resplendent as he cast his eyes toward the heavens and thanked the universe for allowing us the opportunity to see Shayla from one stage of her life to the next.

“Once it wells inside us, the decision to cross over is a signal of transformation as intrinsic to our existence as the moment a caterpillar decides to shift from chrysalis to butterfly. It is the pinnacle of Community life and a milestone that cannot be rushed. Let us spend the evening celebrating Shayla’s decision to embrace it.”

I was stunned by the open displays of joy, by the tears and remembrances and the singing of transformation songs. I had never heard the stringing-together of such beautiful words before, and the synergy of the Community’s melody reached inside me, infusing my insides as much as the night around us.

I thought of Shayla, of the beautiful girl I’d barely known, and I wondered why she had decided to leave and maybe never return. Tuolumne Meadows sounded like paradise, but Shayla had the rest of her life to enjoy it. Why had she decided she needed to leave
right now?

Guilt surged through me as I thought of all the horrible things I’d thought about her. I hadn’t hated her at all, really; I’d simply been jealous. Now she was gone and I might never have the chance to make up for it.

Before I knew it, I felt myself moved to tears. I hadn’t been able to find Ryder, Jett or Cody, and I was too nervous to look for Javi or Kadence. So there I stood, teary-eyed and alone, until the gathering began to break up.

Within a few minutes, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Javi’s stance was guarded, but his eyes were earnest when he said, “You all right?”

Relief welled inside me. I sniffed and wiped my bleary eyes before answering, but then Ryder was there, too.

“I got her, OK?” Ryder’s voice was severe, and his arm looped around my waist before I could react. “I’ll take care of her.”

Javi’s expression skewed, and he took a step forward. “You don’t own her, man.”

“I know. And you don’t, either.”

Javi looked injured for a second, and then his face hardened. He cast his eyes from Ryder to me and then back again, and then he turned and spat on the ground. “You know what? You’re right. I’m outta here; you guys are perfect for each other.”

I wanted to chase after him again, but Ryder stopped me before I could. “You OK, Red?”

I pulled away from him. “What the hell was that?”

“What?” He looked surprised. “I’m… sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep; I just didn’t want him to make you uncomfortable.”

“He wasn’t making me uncomfortable;
you
were. You acted like a jerk, Ryder.”

“I’m… I’m sorry. I obviously overreacted.”

“You think?” I felt like shaking him. “Ryder, remember I’ve never been in this position before. So, all of this tension between you and Javi… It’s just too much. I can’t handle it.”

I sniffled, and my eyes filled with tears again. “I don’t know what I’m doing right now, OK? I have no idea how I’m supposed to act, and I’m not sure what’s considered acceptable here. So, the last thing I need is you guys getting into a stupid fight over me. It’s ridiculous.”

Ryder stopped me. “Red, I’m sorry. I sometimes forget what this must be like for you.” He said nothing for a moment, and then he began leading me away from the gathering. “I wasn’t being exactly truthful when I told you I’d attended my own Free Soul Ceremony. It’s part of the spiel; it’s just what I’m supposed to say. But I was
two years-old
when my dad left San Francisco, so all I know about the Centrist Movement is what I’ve seen from the outside.”

I stiffened. “You lied to me?”

“Everything I just said, and that’s the one thing you cling to?” He started to smile, but his expression fell when I didn’t answer. “I lied about that one little detail, Red, but everything else I said was a hundred percent true. Besides, who are you going to trust more? Someone who knows where you’re coming from, or someone who doesn’t?”

“But if you lied to win my trust…”

“It wasn’t a big lie, Red. It was just a little one. Why are you so stuck on my Free Soul Ceremony?”

I stopped walking. “It wasn’t a little lie, Ryder; it was a
huge
one. Your Free Soul Ceremony is the most important Centrist ceremony you ever experience. How could you possibly know what I was going through if you’d never–”

“What’s the big deal?” He tried to smile again. “It was just a stupid ritual.”

“It wasn’t a stupid ritual; it was the moment we realized we were responsible for our own Essences. It was the scariest thing we ever had to go through.” I felt my voice rise. “You couldn’t have possibly understood what leaving meant to us if you had never felt the weight of that responsibility in your chest.”

“Red.” He reached for my shoulders. “I’m sorry; I really am. I didn’t mean to trivialize what you went through. I know your Free Soul Ceremony was your most important ceremony…”

“But how could you know that? How could you know anything about me?”

“Red, I’m sorry. I just wanted to save you, OK? I saw how unhappy you were in Golden Gate Park, and I knew you needed to get away from there. I didn’t mean to mislead you; I just wanted to free you.” He took a breath. “I just wanted to bring you here. To a place where you could laugh. And be safe. With me.”

The words seemed to hover in the air around us, and the rest of the world faded slightly as he met my gaze. The defeated slump of his shoulders was nearly imperceptible, but the open, insecure look in his eyes was not.

“I’m sorry, Red,” he finally whispered. “Truly. Please forgive me.”

Butterflies fluttered in my chest, and I softened. “Ryder, if we’re going to try to do this, you can’t lie to me. About anything. Ever. I don’t think I can handle it.” A pause. “Do you promise?”

“I promise.” His relief was barely contained. “I won’t. Why would I? I have nothing to hide.” He met my gaze again. “I’m sorry about what I said to Javi, and I’m sorry I lied to you about my Free Soul Ceremony. Will you please let me make it up to you?”

When I didn’t immediately respond, he said, “Will you please let me take you for a walk? I know this great spot by the river where you can ask me anything you want, and I promise I’ll tell you the truth. What do you say?”