Around the World in a Bad Mood! (4 page)

I
HAVE TO ADMIT
there were some close calls for me. After all, it is common for a spirited, sassy gal like myself to have sporadic altercations with authority. But somehow I escaped “the claw” and successfully completed the WAFTI training program. I was beaming with pride and relief when June Larson pinned those wings on me. The best part about graduation was learning that I had been assigned to the New York base. I was truly thrilled and eager to begin my career, which at this point I thought was going to last about six months—a precursor to my theatrical career. Well, I blinked my eyes and six months turned into sixteen years. Looking back on the first phase of my career, I wish there had been someone to take me under his or her wing and show me the ropes. As a gesture of generosity, I would like to share with any new flight attendants who might be reading this some of the knowledge I have acquired after years and years of crying—oops, I mean years and years of flying.

First of all, the real world of flying is completely unrelated to what they taught us in training. Second, seniority rules, baby! The sooner you get that into your head the better.

Being a service and safety professional is not an easy task. Most people probably aren't aware of the great choreographic skills one must possess to maneuver six beverage and meal carts around a small galley the size of a postage stamp. According to training, “the trained professional” can handle this choreography with aplomb, but the reality of it comes down to this: Do what ya gotta do to get through the meal service. For example, if you're in the left corner of the galley and need a pot of coffee from the right corner, and there are six carts between you and the coffeemaker, there is no easy way to get the coffeepot. You just have to ask your colleague, whose entire upper body is enveloped inside the meal cart while trying to find the rolls, if she would mind passing the coffeepot. First of all, she will mind because she's pissed she can't find the rolls. Second, she won't be able to hear you because she is inside a meal cart, cursing. But hey, you really do need that coffeepot, so you ask another comrade in arms, who is busy chopping up a solid block of ice that has been on a bed of dry ice for three days, if, when he has a spare moment, he could pass you the coffeepot. He looks up at you from his position on the floor for a moment, glares, and then returns to his chopping. Guess not. OK, well there is always flight attendant number three, busy pulling out 185 hot entrees from the ovens and stacking them into something that resembles a tall, tin-foiled structure and sways. This person's face is always red from the heat and she has generally developed a rhythm to her work, which does not welcome interruption. You meekly inquire what the possibility of her passing you the coffeepot might be, and she continues unloading and stacking the meals with her left hand while grabbing and passing the coffeepot to you with her right. Mission accomplished! You now have the coffeepot. Now the ice chopper needs you to pass the orange juice to him. Again, short of pole-vaulting, there is no easy way. But while a pot of scalding-hot coffee must be handled ever so gingerly, a jug of juice can be tossed across the galley like a Frisbee, and so you toss it. It goes on like this until the entire production is assembled and ready to go forth into the aisle. The meal service commences: Soup's on!

Here is where the going can get a bit rough for the new kid on the block. This is also where the seniority thing comes in. Every plane is different and every service is different, and some services are done one way if there are four flight attendants and another way if there are five. Who cares? New flight attendants care. They have to know the standard procedure on all types of planes for all types of service in all types of staffing situations. All flight attendants are supposed to follow the order of service as dictated by the manual, but as I said earlier, seniority rules on the airplane. That is, whoever is most senior on the flight runs the show and when you are brand, spanking new, everyone is senior to you. If you're smart you will quickly realize that your job is to do exactly what the senior flight attendants tell you to do. To hell with what you learned in training! However you end up slinging the hash really does not make a lot of difference as long as everyone gets fed and watered before the plane lands. On certain days, when there is a little too much estrogen in the galley, disagreements can arise among flight attendants regarding the best way to do the service. Sometimes a tiny discrepancy can erupt into a major blowout. When people ask me about air-rage incidents, what often comes to mind are arguments among flight attendants over the way to do a service, but that is another chapter entirely. So dear new hire, when the fur begins to fly it is highly advisable to
consult the manual
. Just be careful someone doesn't rip it out of your hands and throw it at you when you are reading it to them.

T
HE
M
ANUAL

“F/A number 1 will deliver meals from cart number 1, working until that cart is depleted. F/As 2 and 3 will follow with beverage carts 3 and 4. When F/A number 1 has depleted cart number 1, he or she will park it at door number 2 and then go to the back galley and get cart number 2. F/As 2 and 3 will continue serving beverages.

“Meanwhile, F/A number 4 will start meals at door number 4, working forward with F/A number 5 following with beverage cart number 5. When all F/As meet in the middle, F/A number 5 will back up to the galley to allow F/As 1 and 4 to get to the back galley. Then F/A number 5 moves forward and resumes where he or she left off before making way for numbers 1 and 4. The remaining aisle flight attendants work forward until all passengers have received a beverage. Then F/A number 1 goes back to door number 2 to get the remaining empty meal cart and starts pickup service. Numbers 2 and 3 will follow with coffee, working forward while F/As 4 and 5 will do the same, working forward from door number 4. Then everybody does the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around and that's what it's all about! Note: If there are only three F/As on board follow the alternate order of service. There should never be any variation in the order of ser­vice.”

By the way, this is just one service for one aircraft type, and there are at least seven types of aircraft for which flight attendants are responsible. Then there is the emergency equipment, emergency-exit operation, company policies, schedule bidding, first-aid training, handcuff operation, death on board, birth on board, CPR, how to survive a ditching (including a course titled “How to Survive at Sea”), grooming, and, most important, how the captain likes his coffee!

A
SIDE FROM LEARNING
about service, safety, grooming, and company policies, I learned a few other things in Flight Attendant training. Many of them have stayed with me throughout my career, and lately I've come to realize that they apply not only to my job on the airplane but also to life in general.

K
NOW WHERE YOUR NEAREST EXIT IS LOCATED:
Whether it is a burning airplane, a burning movie theater, or a lousy relationship. You never know when you might need to get out of something quickly.

A
LWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PLAN:
Life is full of surprises! The exit you picked could be blocked. Maybe that special someone you've been dating isn't your true love after all, don't wait too long . . . assess conditions and find an alternate.

E
XCESS BAGGAGE:
On the airplane, as in life, excess baggage is problematic. God knows most of us have it, but I have discovered that if you can't carry it, lift it, or stow it, you might as well leave it behind. Most of the time it is something that you don't need in the first place and it is just weighing you down. A lighter load makes the journey much more enjoyable.

E
XPECT THE UNEXPECTED:
You think you are on your way to Chicago, you are flying along when suddenly the captain makes an announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen, there is some rough weather ahead and we are low on fuel. We will have to divert and make a fuel stop in Madison.” Don't panic! In all likelihood you will get to Chicago, it just might not be the way you planned. The same is true for mapping out your life; although it is good to have a destination in mind and an idea of how and when you like to arrive, you never know what rough weather, unscheduled stops, and diversions you may encounter along the way. As much as we'd like to think we are in control in making our travel plans or our life plans, we usually aren't really in control at all. Roll with the punches.

K
EEP EMOTIONS AT BAY:
This is a good one, especially in this day of air rage, road rage, and people rage. I can't tell you how often I have wanted to really let some passenger have it! However, if I went around swearing and screaming at people I'd be in a heap of trouble. Instead I have found it best to count to ten and make every effort to refrain from any rude, unkind comments. If a response is required, just smile and give the briefest reply and move on. Sometimes I don't say anything. I not only practice this on the airplane, but also in my everyday life. People are really shocked by silence, oftentimes the situation will be diffused right then and there. Keep cool and choose your battles wisely. Most of the time they are not worth the fight.

J
UST BECAUSE IT SAYS FIRST CLASS DOESN'T MEAN IT IS:
Although the term “first class” may lead one to be­lieve that the food is better, there'll be more privacy, or the level of service will be higher, that is not always the reality. In fact, sometimes the food in coach is better, and if you can find an empty row in the back of the aircraft it is often far more comfortable than sitting by someone sprawled out next to you in that first-class seat. Also, some of the people sitting in coach class behave in a more first-class manner than some of the people actually sitting in first class. The same is true in life, being in the “first-class crowd,” knowing the “heavy hitters,” or hanging out with the “A-list,” one might experience some of the finer things life has to offer—the gourmet food, the exquisite wine, and the ocean view—but the quality of the people in the “first-class crowd” can often belie the delicacies that may accompany this lifestyle. Sometimes you're better off with a hot dog and a true-blue friend.

A
LWAYS PACK A BATHING SUIT:
I have no idea what this means or why it is important. It is not as if I am going to strip off my blue polyester uniform and change into my swimsuit halfway through the flight. Nonetheless, for the last sixteen years I have been carrying around a little bikini in the bottom of my suitcase. I guess you never know when the opportunity for a little fun and frolic in a nearby pool, ocean, or lake may present itself and you wouldn't want to miss out because you neglected to pack something as simple as a swimsuit. You should always be ready to have some fun and be spontaneous . . . after all, we never know what is around the corner, it may be a beach!

H
OW DOES A
flight attendant say “Fuck you”? “I'll be right back!” Every industry has its own specific terminology. The airlines are no different. For your convenience, I've prepared a short list of terms recognized by those in the airline industry. This will help you to better understand this book, and it will also help you understand airline personnel when they say something like this: “Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention? The APU is INOP on the ground and ATC has put us in the HOLDING PEN, so it may be a bit uncomfortable in the cabin until we are given a slot and released. This may affect our ETA, but not our ATA because the flight time has been padded. As soon as we have a clear idea as to our ETD I will make a PA with that information.”