Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (14 page)

—
How to handle this
: For most people, betrayal is a deal-breaker. If it happens one time, and you feel the relationship is worth salvaging, you can both become closer as you analyze and work on the reasons why the betrayal occurred. You must be extremely clear and assertive and let the person know that he or she has hurt you, and that you'll not accept this or tolerate this behavior ever again. Know that you deserve relationships with people who honor commitments because they have high self-esteem and know that doing the right thing is part of taking care of themselves and the relationship.

Gossiping

A gossiper talks trash about everyone, and perhaps you have participated in that gossip with this person in the past. But then you discover that this “friend” is also gossiping about you behind your back.

—
How this relationship affects you
: You're surprised or even shocked that this person, who complains about everyone, is now complaining about
you
. You believed that you two were a united team who mutually found fault with others. You're left with feelings of disbelief and betrayal, and wonder how your judgment could be so off as to trust him or her.

—
How to handle this
: As with all other relationship issues, assertive honesty is healthy for you, although it may or may not change the other person. Someone who gossips is usually addicted to the drama it brings. So, since you now know that you can't trust this person, if you choose to continue this relationship, or you
must
because you're related to each other, you'll need to vigilantly guard against feeding the gossip. No more handing out juicy bits of information about your life. This means that you'll have to be guarded around the person, which will ultimately distance you from him or her.

P.S
. Gossip is always hurtful, and any pain you have received from this relationship can be a valuable life lesson, teaching
you
to never gossip, because it only causes pain for everyone involved.

One-sidedness

In a one-sided relationship, the other person only talks about him- or herself, and never asks how you're doing. The minute you start talking about yourself, the other person leaves, ends the conversation, or pulls the topic back to him- or herself.

—
How this relationship affects you
: You feel unimportant, as if you don't matter. In this relationship, you'll feel lonely, and “not good enough” to warrant the other person's attention or affection. Until you catch on to the fact that this person is self-absorbed, you may chase after his or her attention and affection.

—
How to handle this
: One-sided relationships can go one of two ways: (1) In most situations, there's no possibility of relationship growth into a mutual friendship, because such people aren't open to hearing any dialogue except for the part they contribute. (2) In the rarer outcome, you have an assertive talk with the individual, telling him or her your honest feelings about how you value your relationship and you'd like it to continue under a new dynamic of equal sharing and equal listening. Ideally, the person will listen and be more sensitive to your needs in the relationship. But again, the point of being honest is that it's healthy, not that it will change the other person.

Drama Queen or King

With drama kings and queens, you spend hours on the phone, counseling them and giving them support; however, they never take your advice. Such people have one dramatic problem after another and only want to complain, without taking any steps to heal the situation.

—
How this relationship affects you
: This relationship leaves you feeling drained of time . . . and patience. In the beginning, you're flattered that this person is confiding in you. But soon, you catch on that the phone calls are never-ending sagas paralleling a daytime soap opera. That's when you start to avoid his or her calls.

—
How to handle this
: As an assertive Earth Angel, you have to confront the situation directly. Avoiding phone calls is a
passive
way of handling this. Complaining about this person to others is a
passive-aggressive
way of handling it. The only
healthy
way to deal with drama queens and kings is to tell them that you'll be holding them in your prayers and wishing them well, but you have a lot of responsibilities that you must spend your time on. And then stick to this.

Taking Advantage

Keep your wallet or purse close to you when you're with opportunists, because they're constantly trying to figure out how to get money, free gifts and lunches, and anything else that they can extract from you.

—
How this relationship affects you
: Confused, frustrated, and drained is how you'll feel around people who take advantage of you. They're experts at manipulating others into feeling obligated to pay for everything. Even though you may promise yourself that this time will be different, once you're with the user, your wallet starts to come out. You hear your mouth saying that you'll help this person with this or that.

—
How to handle this
: There are many games you could play in an effort to have a more balanced give-and-take relationship. However, remember that dysfunctional situations such as this one are opportunities to grow. So, once again, it's a matter of making an appointment to talk with the person directly and honestly. For example, you could say to this person, “Let's go to lunch on Thursday and catch up. Oh, and I'd love it if you'd treat me since I have bought the last five lunches.” And then follow through on this. Stop paying for everything. When the waiter brings the final bill, don't automatically reach for it. If this is your true friend, he or she will still be in your life. If someone leaves you because you stop paying for everything, the person was never your friend in the first place.

Barbed Tongue

Someone with a barbed tongue insults you, but not directly. What he or she says hurts, but you can't exactly pinpoint why. This person gives “left-handed compliments,” which are insults disguised as compliments. As an example: “You look so much better in that dress than the last time I saw you wearing it.”
Huh? What does that mean?

Such people usually have some very deep-seated hostility and jealousy, and they're classically passive-aggressive. Instead of directly talking to you about something that's probably ancient history by now and clearing the old anger with you, they're going to poke you with hurtful words under the guise of paying you a compliment so that you won't know that they're a hit-and-run artist with words.

—
How this relationship affects you
: You'll have an immediate physical reaction of pain when this person talks, because you can energetically sense that he or she is hostile. Yet you may feel confused, because your brain is trying to track the person's words, and they just don't add up or make sense. He or she may claim that “it's just a joke” or “you're too sensitive” if you say anything about his or her stinging words.

—
How to handle this
: If someone repeatedly barbs you with left-handed compliments, it's time to question whether this relationship can continue or not. If it's a close relative, such as your mother or sister, you'll always have that person in your life in some form. But this doesn't mean that you have to hang out with him or her all the time. Assertive Earth Angels always handle conflict directly with honesty and own their feelings without guilt or apology. So, an example would be to say to this person, “I don't believe you meant to hurt me with the words you chose to use, but that's what happened. I was hurt by what I heard you say.” Or, as soon as the person says something hurtful, issue an immediate, honest reaction such as, “Ouch! That hurt!” The person may explain that he or she meant something entirely different than what you heard. If this is the first time there has been a miscommunication, you can discuss and resolve the situation fairly rapidly. However, if this is a chronic pattern
or
if the person becomes defensive or dismissive of your feelings, it's time to question or leave the relationship.

Nonstop Talking

When you have a conversation with big talkers, it's as if they never breathe. All they do is talk and talk and talk, and it's never your turn. If you say anything, your words are immediately run over and crushed by their dialogue, which is really more of a monologue. When this person calls, you could set down the telephone receiver and walk away. The person would still keep talking, because he or she is not cued in to the other person.

— How this relationship affects you
: This type of relationship will leave you frustrated every time. Your need to be heard and listened to isn't being met. If this is a friend or distant relative, you'll probably find yourself avoiding him or her, especially telephone calls, which can be very uncomfortable and time-consuming with this type of person.

— How to handle this
: Set the parameters at the beginning of each conversation by saying, “I only have fifteen minutes to talk before my next appointment,” and then adhere to this strictly. Say, “I've got to go, love you, ‘bye,” and then hang up. If you wait for the chronic talker to give you his or her blessing that the call is ending, it will never happen. He or she will always say, “Oh, and one more thing.”
You
must initiate and follow through with ending the call.

Be
very
clear with other people about your expectations for the relationship ahead of time. Your ego will argue with you, saying you can't tell others the truth or they won't like you. The real truth is that unless you speak
your
truth, you're nothing but an empty shell to other people.

CHAPTER TEN

PEOPLE AREN'T FIXER-UPPERS

B
ecause Earth Angels are so intuitive, they can often see the potential within others. In fact, it's very common for Earth Angels to fall in love with other people's potential. They take on friends and lovers who are “fixer-upper” projects.

Earth Angels unconsciously decide,
I can polish this person's finer qualities and really make him a good person!
Some Earth Angels decide that they'll turn a prospective lover into their ideal husband or wife. Then they get upset when that person doesn't want to change!

It's not fair to enter any relationship, whether of a personal or business nature, with the hidden agenda that you'll fix or change that person. Everyone wants and deserves to be liked or loved for who they are (and that includes you, too). While everyone can use improvement, people don't want to be controlled or told what to do.

As Earth Angels, we're naturally trusting. We also have the ability to see the good within everyone. We love a fixer-upper project, and that often includes “collecting” people who we believe need fixing up. However, the truth is that nobody wants to be fixed or changed, even if it would improve their lives. If they do desire change, they want it on their own terms and not coming from someone else.

Your job isn't to fix or change other people. You can
help
other people. You can
heal
them and
pray
for them. But your job is to heal yourself and be the most loving person you can during your lifetime. Love means being honest with others in peaceful ways.

In love relationships especially, you'll be continually frustrated and disappointed if you think you can “turn a sow's ear into a silk purse” and transform an incompatible person into your dream partner. It's best to be up front with a new boy- or girlfriend about your needs and desires in a relationship. If your dream is to be married, have children, and stay home to raise them—then tell the person before you enter a committed relationship. Don't wait until your second anniversary to spring this news. It's not fair, and you'll both have wasted your time and endured needless heartache if he admits that having children isn't in his life plan.