AT 29 (39 page)

“At the station he tried to buy a ticket for Miami, but I wasn't havin' it. Not goin to my old city. He eventually picked Milwaukee. Not sure why, but the bus left at six in the mornin'. We waited the whole night and made sure he was on it. Then we followed the bus out the Mass Pike to the Connecticut border just to make sure he didn't try gettin' off. Never saw him again.”

Jimmy stole a glance at George. He had a satisfied look on his face. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Thought you'd like to know bein' as you was one a the few kids who didn't give Sammy a hard time. And, you ought to know Bucinski ain't all bad.” George paused before continuing. “All this talkin' we been doin', what with you never tellin' nobody ‘bout Bucinski and me never tellin' nobody about my wife, I wonder why we keep stuff secret like that. In my case, I come to realize it was me all along. I shoulda done right by her, taken her back to Germany like she wanted. She was real unhappy in Florida. I loved her and I didn't have no particular reason to stay there. I coulda been just as happy back in Germany, long as we was together. She begged me to go back, she didn't want to leave me. It was just my pride. I wanted to be the boss, make all the decisions for us. Ruined a good life together. I kept it secret ‘cause I knew I done the wrong thing all along. I been ashamed all these years. Now on this thing with Bucinski, you got your reasons for not talkin', too. I got me an idea why.”

“Tell me.” Jimmy grew uncomfortable again.

“Better you tell me.”

“Do you think I'm hiding something?”

George shifted in his seat. “Why'd you come back to Liston?”

“We've been through this. I decided to get away.”

“And, that fool thing up there in Vermont. Why'd you really go back there?”

“I told you. I wanted to test my conditioning.”

“Yeah, so you say. Why there?”

“I know some people in Vermont.”

“Now that's some progress. Tellin' the truth, I think. It weren't really ‘bout no conditionin'. And, did you see any of 'em?”

“Yes.” Jimmy thought of Peggy.

“Fixin' fences?”

“It wasn't like that.”

“No? It ain't what you intended all along?”

“I don't know.”

“Sure you do, boy and I know why.”

“Enough!” Jimmy exploded.

A sign for a rest area appeared. His leg was beginning to throb so he slowed and turned in. He parked, gave George an angry look and got out to stretch. After a few minutes George opened his door and got out. By then, Jimmy was leaning on a picnic table a few feet away. George walked over and slid onto the bench.

“You been carryin' this thing with Bucinski for a long time.”

“You have it all wrong.”

“He said he was sorry ‘bout what happened.”

Jimmy rubbed his face with his hands. “It doesn't matter, George”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Let it go.” Jimmy pleaded, wanting him to stop.

“You let it go. You was just a kid. You did a kid thing.”

Jimmy slammed his fist on the table.
“NOT ME! HIM!”

George didn't rattle. “It's screwin' with your mind.”

“No!”

“Yep, it is and we're gonna bring it out. There's a reason why your teammates didn't stick up for you. Same reason you never talked about it ceptin' to Brother Patrick and it weren't the whole truth then, neither.”

Jimmy slumped onto the bench opposite George. “Why don't you tell me then?”

“Wouldn't be no good that way. It's gotta come from you. You're carryin' a pile a guilt. Secret's gotta come out. All them times in practice, when you was forced to run and run, why d'ya suppose that was?”

“We've gone over this.”

“Why'd he make you run all them sprints?”

“It's not important anymore.”

“How was you doin' in class?”

“Flunking. I was flunking.”

“Smart kid like you. Why was that?”

“I didn't want to be at Kendall.”

“And, the playbook?”

“I never looked at it. I wasn't planning to stick around.”

“All that talent. You takin' the team to the playoffs and alls you was thinkin' is how to get out.”

“When I was on the floor I did my best.”

“But it ain't as much as you think. That's instinct mostly, just goin with your skills. Once you broke a sweat it was natural. That was easy for you, but you coulda dogged it just like you was doin' in class and practice. Why didn't you?”

No answer

“Who's Duffy Walsh?”

Jimmy's eyes widened. He looked down at his hands, unsure. “He was the coach at Chillingham High.”

“Yep. You was talkin' to him. That's why you made sure you played your best in them games.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Bucinski knew you was flunkin'. That's why he made you do all them sprints. Standard procedure at Kendall, do bad in class and you paid for it in practice. That way you'd do better next time.”

“Is that what he told you?”

“He was just followin' policy. Seein' how far the team was goin' and you only a freshman, he saw a big future for Kendall basketball. He planned to build the team around you for the next three years. He already had it laid out. It ain't just about you. He had dreams, too.”

“I never made any trouble for him.”

“No? Why d'ya think you never started a game? Here you was, the best player on the team, best in the league by far and you're comin' off the bench.”

“Did you ask him about that, George?”

“Sure I did.”

“What did he say?”

“You wouldn't learn his system, didn't make any effort to learn the plays. He knew you was his instant offense, shut down player when an opponent got a hot hand. But he also knew the only way you and the team could get really good was by playin' within the system. He figured Kendall's first ever state championship was there for the takin'. Not that year, but sometime in the next three with you at the center of things, playin' with discipline in his system.”

“He never said anything to me.”

“Here we was this tiny school with four hundred students goin' up against them bigger schools round Boston. Before you arrived we won maybe half our games, but we wouldn'a won none without Bucinski's system. In order to get a state championship he knew Kendall would have to beat much tougher teams who was disciplined. You on the floor and leadin', even if the other team keyed on you, as long as Kendall played within his system, we'd have a chance.”

“He ruined it for everybody; me, the team and the school.”

“You're kiddin' yourself. What happened with Duffy Walsh?”

“What difference does it make?”

“You go back to New York without this cleared up and nothin's gonna change.”

“I called him.”

“When?”

“During the season.”

“Why? He wasn't your coach. You was a Kendall boy.”

“I wanted to play for him.”

“What'd he say?”

“To stay at Kendall and work hard.”

“He didn't encourage you?”

“No.”

“But you kept callin' him?”

“Yes.”

“Same answer every time?”

“Yes.”

“Then what?”

Jimmy gave in. “I went to as many of Chillingham's games as I could. They played on different nights than us. I tried to learn Duffy's plays so I would be ready when I got there the next year.”

“That why you ignored Bucinski's playbook?”

“Yes, two different systems. I didn't want to learn one only to have to learn another one later.”

“Walsh talk to you at them games?”

“No. He didn't know what I looked like. I kept a low profile.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?”

“I called the day before the second playoff game. The one we lost.”

“What did you say to him?”

“I asked him to come to the game. Chillingham got bounced from the sectionals the night before. I wanted him to see me play.”

“Now we're gettin' somewhere. What'd he say?”

“He said he'd think about it, but only to cheer Kendall on. He still told me to work hard, stay at Kendall and forget about coming to Chillingham.”

“You know what he did?”

“I don't think he showed.”

“He called Bucinski.”

“What?” Jimmy could not hide his shock.

“Bucinski told me. He said Walsh called him the day of the game and explained what was goin' on. He didn't want him thinkin' that he was poachin'. Did you know that was a violation of the Coaches Association rules?”

Jimmy hung his head. “No.”

“I think the rest is true enough. Knowin' Bucinski, I ain't gonna doubt your story about him hittin' you. He told me about the team meetin' before the game. He said he explained everything about what you done. That was a mistake. The rest of the team didn't need to know. Alls that was gonna do was get them down and make you an outcast. I told'm that, too.”

“What did he say?”

“He agreed with me. Said he shouldn'a done it.”

“And, the locker room?”

“I asked, he didn't answer.”

“So, he wouldn't admit it.” There was disappointment in Jimmy's voice.

“It don't matter if he admits it. Let him live with that. This is about what you did cause you ain't been honest with yourself.”

“What good does it do to admit this now?”

“You can let it go. Stop carryin' it around like you been doin'.”

“Do you think I've been guilty about it?”

“It's just about gettin' old stuff cleared up so's you can move on.”

“Do you really think admitting the truth will make it all better?”

“I'll tell ya what I think. Since you showed up and we been talkin' I been goin' over everything in my mind. Somewhere along the line we both lost confidence in ourselves. Me, I know what done it. The war. Over there in Europe, the shellin' an all, I was afraid for my life. I seen guys die and I couldn't do nothin' about it. Before that I had control over what was happenin'. After, I didn't have control over nothin' So's when I met her I went too far the other way, thinkin' I had to make all the decisions. Them hurricanes done it all over again. Here I was tryin' to keep things safe, tryin' to have a normal life with her and a steady job. Next thing I know, I'm outta work and after that she's gone, all ‘cause I was tryin' too hard to be in control. Ya know why I stayed at Kendall all them years? I was hidin'. It was easy to stay inside that little world where I had control over what was happenin' to me. Truth is, I hated myself for bein' afraid. I hated myself for forcin' her to make a decision that didn't include me. Self-confidence means acceptin' what happens in life and movin' on as best you can. I'm gonna do that and see what happens.”

“You had a good reason to want to hide.”

“There ain't no good reason. Maybe Bucinski stole your confidence or maybe it was somethin else, but I think you been hatin' yourself just like me. Your way of hidin' is the quittin' and the drinkin', but you was just a kid. Now, you're a man and if you do some thinkin' ‘bout it all, you're gonna see things better same as me.”

“I don't know.”

“That's cause the hard part is lettin' go. You ain't done that.”

“How do I do that, George?”

“On the bus comin' up, I was plannin' to bring you back to meet up with Bucinski.”

Jimmy shrugged. “Is that the reason you came?”

“No, no. I wanted to see a Kendall boy compete at somethin' again, always a pleasure for me. It was just a thought that hit me on the ride up. But, now I don't think that's such a good idea, what with him not admittin' what he done. That don't make for a good meetin'. So what I think now, is you gotta see him for what he is. He was a good coach and a good teacher. That's why I told you ‘bout us and Brother Justice. He done the right thing, we all did. Brother needed to go and we got him out. Now, this old business between you and him, you just gotta accept what happened and that includes your part in it. He never hit no kid who played for him before. It was wrong, real bad. But he ain't all bad. You just wasn't ready for each other and you both screwed up. Now that you know Duffy Walsh spilled the beans on you, you can understand why it all happened.”

“That's supposed to make it all better?”

“If you let it, sure.”

“What difference will it make?”

George drew in a frustrated breath and tapped his hand on the table. “I gotta spell it all out? That's the piece you fill-in. All's I'm tryin' to make you understand is you ain't gonna be able to move forward as long as you let this kid thing keep you lookin' back. You showin' up after all these years, diggin' around in all these recollections, it's gotta mean somethin'. I don't know what you was doin' up there in Vermont, but I'm bettin' it was the same thing. Maybe you was tryin' to make peace with yourself or with some a them people you say you used to know.”

“I saw an old friend.”

“Feel better about it?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” George stood up. “What're you, pushin' thirty?”

“Twenty-nine.” The conversation with Jeff Hines came to mind.

“I keep callin' you a Kendall boy. Course you ain't a boy no more, but you still got all the time you need.”

“Time for what?”

“To get goin' with your life. Me, I gotta hustle before it's too late, but I ain't so old that I can't get goin', neither.”

“You make it sound easy.”

“Look boy, what's done is done. Bucinski, whatever you done in Vermont and down there in New York, it's all over with and you can't make it different. All's you can do is learn somethin' from it and let it go so's you can move ahead. You got a singin' career to fix up. Me, I got a wife to find.”