Atm (2 page)

“
Corporal Wayne, you had so much potential,” lamented Private Atm. “With your prior experience and service as an Arthropodan marine commando commander and leader of terrorists, you should be a Legion officer by now. Why are you still slouching along as a corporal? Do you still harbor guilt about being a traitor to the Empire?”

Corporal Wayne struck fast and furious with his claw.
Atm blocked the blow, splintering the claw to pieces. The crisp echo of shattered exoskeleton reverberated across the room as patrons stopped and stared. It was common knowledge no one had ever bested Wayne in a fight, and everyone was whispering, “Who the hell is that?”

“
I am so sorry,” cried Atm, kneeling down to assist Wayne, who writhed in pain on the floor. “Your claw will grow back, I’m sure. Truly, I did not intend to harm you.”

“
Leave me be!”

“
This is why you should reenlist. I cannot stress more the need to be enrolled in a good medical plan. Unexpected injury can happen at any time ... unexpectedly.”

“
Get away!” shouted Corporal Wayne, pushing back. “What are you?”

“
Is there a doctor in the house?” called Atm, eying Corporal Ceausescu at the bar. “This legionnaire needs help!”

Medic Elena Ceausescu rushed to give first aid, duct
-taping Corporal Wayne back together. Ha! Another use for duct tape! Drunks scrambled to pick up souvenir exoskeleton pieces and splinters. “How did you do that?” asked Ceausescu, drunkenly batting her eyes at Private Atm. “Are you a martial arts tough guy or something?”

“
It all happened so fast,” explained Atm. “Believe me, I did not intend to harm Corporal Wayne.”

“
I saw it all,” accused Private Krueger, staggering past gawkers. “Who do you think you are, newbie, coming in here causing problems? Get out!”

“
And if I choose to stay?” bristled Atm.

“
Then you’re dead,” advised Krueger, pulling a grenade from his pants.

“
Does your wife know you’re in here raising hell, starting fights, and playing with explosives?” asked Atm. “Put that grenade away.”

“
What do you know of my wife?” asked Krueger defensively. “Of course she probably knows I’m here, but don’t snitch me off. Okay? Who are you?”

“
He’s a spy,” warned Wayne, still on the floor. “He knows us all.”

“
Break it up!” shouted Sergeant Green, confiscating Krueger’s grenade. “What happened to Wayne? Someone jump him from behind?”

“
The new guy kicked Wayne’s ass,” answered Private Knight from the back of the crowd, trying to be helpful. “He was kung fu fighting, fast as lightning.”

“
It’s true,” added Sergeant Williams, letting out a rebel yell. “Fast as lightning and thunder!”

“
Shut up!” ordered Sergeant Green. He grabbed Atm by the collar, leading him to the door. “You will report to the border crossing for guard duty as you were ordered. Do it now.”

“
But I did nothing wrong.”

“
No matter! I don’t know who or what you are about, but without legionnaires like Wayne, you won’t survive the New Gobi even one week. We are a team. Understand?”

“
But all I did was give friendly advice, and Corporal Wayne attacked me. He needs to reenlist. I recommend he take an anger management class. It’s included in all our Legion medical plans.”

Sergeant Green slapped Atm along the side of the head.
“I don’t want to hear your lame excuses! Report for guard duty and stay out of trouble, or else!”

* * * * *

Medic Ceausescu finished taping up Wayne. She’d enough excitement for one night and decided to leave early. In the parking lot she watched Private Atm and Sergeant Green walking away, still arguing.
Who is that guy?
She followed, determined to find out.

A thug stepped from the shadows, grabbing Ceausescu by the throat from behind.
She was viciously lifted and thrown to the ground. The attacker tightened his hold on her neck as she struggled. Ceausescu pulled down on his arm with her left hand, desperately gasping for air, while drawing a concealed pistol with her right hand, shooting the attacker in the stomach. He let go, staggering back. The thug doubled over as Ceausescu shot him twice more in the testicles. Legionnaires rushed to the scene to help. Someone shot the suspect again. A police siren sounded in the distance.

“
Are you alright, Elena?” asked Sergeant Green, assisting her up. “You know this guy?”

“
Never seen him before,” cried Ceausescu, still shaken. “He tried to rape me.”

“
He is still alive,” advised Private Atm as a sheriff’s deputy car pulled up. “Do you have more duct tape?”

“
Not for long!” shouted Ceausescu, shoving her pistol in the rapist’s eye socket and pulling the trigger, blowing his brains out the back of his head. “You punk!”

“
What goes on here?” asked the deputy, arriving just in time to catch the killing on video. “You disturbed evidence. Don’t do that again.”

“
Elena shot a rapist,” explained Sergeant Green. “It was self-defense, with a little PMS and bi-polar crazy white bitch mixed in.”

The crowd nodded in agreement about the crazy white bitch part.
Brothers agreed Elena was bad news. It was rumored she wore one of those condoms-with-teeth for protection.

“
You shot the perp while he was alive, still on the ground,” accused the deputy, taking a DNA sample from the suspect for comparison with known sex offenders. He scanned the sample and consulted the law-enforcement database. Positive results were immediate. “Wow, you just apprehended the New Gobi Rapist! Good job!”

The crowd cheered, raising their beers in celebration for the crazy white bitch.
Sergeant Williams let out a rebel yell. Responding to scanner reports of shots fired, reporter Phil Coen of
Channel Five Word News Tonight
was quick on the scene for a scoop. The shooting was big news. Security camera video broadcast images of the shooting on
Galactic Database News
.

* * * * *

I was awakened from a nap and called from my office to the scene of the shooting. When I got to the Blind Tiger, Phil Coen shoved a microphone in my face, trying to interview me at the scene about the conduct of my legionnaires.
More bad press.

“
The suspect was shot execution-style on the ground by Corporal Ceausescu,” accused Coen. “Is summary execution of criminal suspects now Legion policy, or has it always been that way? Obviously the sheriff’s office is in collusion with the Legion to violate defendants’ civil rights.”

“
It was self-defense,” I answered. “She shot the New Gobi Rapist. Elena is lucky to be alive. This is a win-win situation for everyone.”

“
But even the most depraved suspect is innocent until proven guilty,” argued Coen. “I am uncomfortable with the Legion being judge, jury, and executioner. Do we really want vigilantism? It’s a slippery slope, you know.”

“
Resources are limited out here on the frontier,” explained the deputy sheriff. “We can’t be wasting our time messing with open and shut cases. Colonial law allows for such exigent circumstances.”

“
But she shot him as he lay on his back!”

“
Don’t raise your voice at me,” bristled the deputy, drawing his nightstick. “Are we on TV?”

“
The whole galaxy is watching.”

“
When I’m off duty, I drink Outlaw Beer,” commented the deputy, posing for the camera. “Most cops do. Outlaw Beer is cop beer.”

“
I shop at Walmart, home of one-stop shopping,” I added, hoping for residual endorsement TV royalties.
Ka-ching!

“
Did anyone actually see what really happened here?” asked Coen, pandering to the crowd.

Sergeant Williams stepped forward, letting out a rebel yell.
“I seen it. I was crossing the street to sober up at Starbucks when it happened. I shop at Walmart too. I’m an original Sam’s Club member.”

As the crowd pressed
in, hoping for soundbites, I shoved Coen from behind, pushing him into the deputy. They both fell to the ground as other deputies responded for backup, giving Coen a good old-fashioned LA beat-down. On the frontier, we do not tolerate assault on our local police, or resisting arrest.

Chapter 3

Reaction across the galaxy to the database video was mixed.
On Old Earth, a Democrat congressman from the Bronx called for the House Committee on Foreign Legion Affairs to investigate Legion conduct in the colonies. By a two-thirds vote, the fool was summarily impeached and kicked out on the street. Forced to hitchhike back to the Bronx, he was mugged, stripped naked, and shot by ungrateful constituents.

In New Gobi City, I put the battalion on alert, expecting possible trouble from malcontents and protesters, but nothing much happened
. We remained at the ready, regardless. I positioned an armored car with a water cannon several blocks from the Blind Tiger Casino. Legionnaires crouched in bushes and behind walls, watching the parking lot. Finally, at four in the morning, a shadowy figure crept through the parking spaces to the casino entrance, lighting a solitary candle for the New Gobi Rapist. It was a death penalty protester! We promptly hosed the potential arsonist with the water cannon. How Democrats keep getting past Mars is beyond me. Legionnaires pummeled the suspect for assault and resisting arrest.

“
Throw him in the dungeon for fire code violations,” I ordered. “Let that be a lesson not to play with matches!”

The Democrat kicked and screamed as Privates Atm and Krueger dragged him to Legion Headquarters.
“What about the First Amendment? What about my constitutional rights?”

“
You can’t just light candles anywhere,” explained Private Atm patiently. “Don’t you know there is a burning ban on, because of the drought and tumble weeds?”

“
Yeah,” added Krueger. “There’s a Democrat ban on too. We know you Democrats travel in pairs. Where’s the other one?” he asked, looking for Birkenstock tracks in the sand.

“
Fascists! The depleted ozone will kill you all!”

“
Angling for an insanity defense, eh?” sneered Krueger. “We all know you’re faking it.”

“
Damn arsonist,” accused Private Atm, getting into the party atmosphere and candle light ambiance with an elbow jab. “How do these cretins get smuggled past Mars, especially during an election year?”

* * * * *

Ice broken by the fight, Private Atm was quickly accepted into the band of brothers and sisters that is the Legion. Krueger gladly gave him the newbie tour around the Blind Tiger Casino, obviously intent on basking in his newfound celebrity.

“
The place is hopping!” exclaimed Krueger. “Look at the babes! We’ve got a smorgasbord of species on the menu tonight.”

“
It’s healthy to have a diverse diet,” agreed Atm. “Too spicy all the time can cause ulcers.”

“
I like your style, but don’t worry about those spider and scorpion bitches. I’ve got your back. Tonight, I’m your wingman.”

“
With a wingman like you, the whole squadron may go down in flames.”

“
That big red spider babe just checked you out with all eight eyes,” whispered Krueger. “Don’t look! We got to play this coy.”

“
I have no intention of fraternizing with the enemy,” replied Atm uneasily. “I must treat my new body with great care. The expense of replacement parts is horrendous.”

“
Nonsense. You only die twice. We’re going for it. Look, she’s got a friend.”

Atm glanced over his shoulder.
Sure enough, two spider females at the bar were batting their eye mandibles at them. Atm hesitated, not feeling up to such interspecies interaction this early, but did not want to disappoint. It was important to blend in with humanity, and dangerous not to. “More detailed reconnaissance is needed before we make any ill-fated moves,” suggested Atm.

“
The secret to seducing females of any species is smooth talking, and how you present yourself. Hold your shoulders erect. Act like you own the place, like you’re so cool, Bigfoot takes
your
picture.”

“
Wait, I’m not ready. What about Bigfoot?”

“
Don’t be such a wuss,” mocked Krueger, handing Atm a beer. “Gulp this, we’re going in!”

Atm followed Krueger to meet Big Red at the bar.
Krueger adroitly handed both spider beauties a beer. They readily accepted.