Autumn Fire (14 page)

“Hi,” he said, weakly.

She crouched next to him. “Are you okay?”

Dustin’s eyes roved down the hall, to the door she had come from, the door behind which sat Jason.

“Can we talk? But not here.”

“Sure.” She put a hand on his arm. They got up and moved to a quiet window well down another corridor.

“Something’s happened.” She tilted her head, concern clear on her pretty face. “It has to do with the change I saw earlier. Please tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay. I guess.” He looked down at his feet.

She put a hand on his arm again. Comfort seemed to radiate from the contact. He trembled and gave in, wrapping his arms around her in a hug.

“Dustin, please, tell me what’s happened.”

“I...I think I’m in love.” Those first words were the hardest, though he already told Kevin, to explain it to someone else, someone he actually cared about and who cared about him, infinitely more difficult. The first words were like the breaking of a dam—it all tumbled out from there. He held on tight to the hug as he spoke. “I’m in love with a guy here at school but he’s closeted and scared and doesn’t want to be with me. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being something I’m not, of missing out on life. You were right—everything changes when you’re in love. I’ve met the man of my dreams and nothing matters anymore. I want to be out, I want to win him back, and I want to be with him.” Tears welled in the corners of his eyes, gently dropping on to the shoulder of her shirt.

“Dustin.” She patted his back. “Dustin, Dustin, Dustin. I’m so happy for you.” She squeezed him tight. “I’m so happy you’ve found love, confidence…found yourself.” She pulled out from the hug and looked him in the eyes. Blurry through a film of tears, she clearly beamed with happiness. “Tell me about this guy.”

He could feel a blush forming on his cheeks. “I met him through, well...um, let’s say I had an ‘encounter’ with him.”

“So,” she said, interrupting, “sex?”

Dustin’s eyes shot wide. “Um, yes...God, I sound so slutty.”

She gave him a smile. “Lots of straight couples decide to date after a one night stand, you know.”

His eyebrow lifted. “Do you want to tell me something about you and Jason?”

“No. You’re in the middle of telling me about this hunk of yours.” Her smile turned mischievous. This was a side of Angela he hadn’t seen before...a side he rather liked.

He blinked several times before continuing. “His name is Kyle and he later ended up being the tutor from the Resource Center. We shared some time doing math and, well, ended up talking about a lot of things...”

“There’s something more, isn’t there? I can tell by the hesitation in your voice. There’s something you want to say. Out with it. I’m a big girl. I can handle it, whatever it is.”

“Okay, okay.” He crossed his arms, deciding to lay it all out on the table. “I may be in the closet, but I’m not, you know, inexperienced. I’ve had hookups with a lot of men over the years and enjoyed it all. All of it, that is, until Kyle entered the picture. I’ve fooled around with three guys since Kyle and each hookup has been more disappointing than the last. Before Kyle, I would have found each of those hookups sizzling.” He took a deep breath to dig to the core of the issue. “I haven’t known Kyle long, but I know every moment I spend with him, naked or not, is one I treasure. The random sex I get used to thrill me, but now it bores me. Kyle is the epicenter of my sexual excitement, but it’s more than sex. I love him. I know it deep down inside—I love him and I want to be with him.”

Angela’s smile only grew. “I’m so happy for you! I just can’t say it enough.”

Dustin felt his face darken. “But there’s a problem.”

“Yes, you said he’s closeted.” Her smile faltered. “He doesn’t want to be with you.”

His gaze fell away from hers, examining the carpet instead. “He’s new to this. I was his first guy. I think he feels something for me. We had an encounter last night...he, uh, couldn’t seem to control his urges for me. I went to kiss him and he froze. He said...he said, ‘I don’t want to fall in love with you,’ and then ran out.”

“Oh, Dustin. I’m so sorry.”

“And then he sent me an email saying he doesn’t want any more contact with me.”

“Dustin...” She pulled him into a hug again.

He fought to hold back the tears, but they fell anyway. He didn’t cry often, but when he did, he truly hurt deep inside.

“Oh, Dustin.” She stroked his back. “I know it hurts. I’ve been there. I’ve blown it, too. You’ll find a new guy ten times better than this one.”

He listened to her words, but wasn’t sure she believed them herself. He sagged a little at the idea of seeking a replacement Kyle when he just wanted the real thing.

“I know,” he lied. “I’ll get over it eventually.” He rubbed his eyes and nose on his sleeve as they disengaged from the hug. “And if I’m going to find the perfect guy, I need to make some changes in my life.”

Her eyes narrowed. “What sort of changes?”

“I’m...I’m going to come out.”

Her features softened. “Dustin, I’m so happy for you. This is an amazing weekend! Are you planning to tell your parents? Or just friends right now?”

“I’m going to start with just one person.” Dustin glanced down the hall then looked back at her. “Jason.”

He could sense the hesitancy in her. “Are you sure you want to start with him?”

Dustin glanced down the hall again. “Yes. Right now my room is my home and my refuge. If I want it to truly feel at peace there, I need to feel comfortable. Coming out to Jason will be the first step.”

There was a long pause before she replied. “I have to say I don’t know how he’ll respond. I hear the occasional homophobic thing from him, but he’s on the basketball team—I can’t tell if it’s his own opinions or if it’s just him playing into the macho jock role.”

“I know. I know. I’m prepared for either outcome, I think.”

Angela held his hand. “Do you want me to be with you when you tell him?”

He looked down at their hands. She seemed to be an unexpected source of strength for him. “Thanks, but no. I think this is something I need to do by myself.”

She squeezed his hand. “Let me know how it goes.”

“I will.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

He looked away from her. “Now.”

She squeezed his hand once more before his fingers slipped from hers. He walked down the corridor with a determined gait. Dustin desperately hoped Jason was still in their room, because he didn’t know if he’d be able to gather up all of this courage again later.

His hand fell on their doorknob as he slid the key in. He hesitated, closed his eyes, and opened the door.

“Hey, buddy!” Jason’s sat at his desk with a scattering of papers in front of him.

Dustin smiled tentatively. He fought for eye contact with Jason, but it lasted no longer than a few seconds. “Hi, Jason.” Dustin took off his jacket and hung it over his chair. “Can we...can we talk for a few minutes?”

“Sure, Dusty.” Jason spun his chair around and leaned back. “What’s up?”

Dustin perched on the edge of his bed, staring at his fingers as he twiddled them amongst each other. Silence invaded the space, the sound of Dustin’s pounding heart filling his ears. He wondered if Jason could hear it.

“Hey” Jason leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

Dustin tried smiling again, forced another few seconds of eye contact. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sort of. You see, the thing is, well, there’s a reason I haven’t had much luck with the ladies. Stefenie’s a nice girl and all, but...”

“But...?”

Dustin hadn’t expected to be on the verge of more tears and unable to utter a few short words.

“Jason...I’m...I’m gay.”

Dustin focused his eyes on the floor, glued to a spot midway between them, close enough to watch Jason’s body language, but far enough so he could avoid his eyes. The other man didn’t move for a very long moment then suddenly he sat back with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I see.” Jason’s voice turned cold, distant.

He waited for Jason to say more. An urgent nervousness filled him—the longer Jason went without speaking, the more urgent it felt for Dustin to say something. But fear paralyzed his mind and he found no words.

Finally, what seemed like eons later, Dustin’s brain cells started functioning. “Are we okay?”

As the stony silence stretched from seconds to minutes, Dustin’s pounding heart filled his ears again.

Abruptly, Jason stood up and walked out of their room, loudly closing the door behind him.

Something inside Dustin broke. He collapsed onto his bed and cried for the second time within the hour.

He’d fucked up again. It was all he could do lately. He was just one giant fuck-up.

After the tears ran dry, Dustin splashed some water on his face and returned to bed, snug under his two blankets. He laid on his side, facing the wall, trying to think of nothing and failing miserably.

The light filtering through the window behind and above his head grew weak and then dark. Dustin had long missed dinner in the cafeteria but didn’t care. He had no appetite.

He’d lost Kyle, he’d lost Jason, and by extension might have lost Angela, and the rest of his school year would be one long depressing hell, all because he decided to follow his heart. Instead of joy and positivity, further proof being gay guaranteed a life of loneliness and misery.

The soft clicks of the lock tumbling open interrupted the quiet and his self-flagellation. He was about to find out how deep a hell he’d be living in. Dustin continued staring at the wall as the door opened and closed and the light flickered on. Footsteps proceeded across the room, nearing Dustin, and ended with the squeak of Jason sitting on his bed.

“Can we talk?” Jason’s voice carried the same nervousness Dustin felt hours earlier.

“I’m listening,” Dustin croaked.

“I...I owe you an apology.”

Of all the things Dustin expected Jason to say, an apology had not been very high on the list. In fact, it hadn’t been on the list at all. Dustin rolled over and looked at Jason. His expression remorseful, he stared at some middle distance between them. Jason’s eyes slid up to look at Dustin.

“I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. I think it just took me by surprise and I didn’t know...I guess I didn’t know how to process it all in light of what I thought I knew about you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, buddy. I hope I can still call you ‘buddy.’”

The blanket was pulled up to Dustin’s eyes. He tugged it down and rolled it under his chin, and said, “You can.”

A smile twitched at the corners of Jason’s mouth. “I want you to know I don’t think I’m homophobic, it just...caught me by surprise, is all. I hope I haven’t damaged our friendship, because I still want to be roommates, to be buddies. I don’t want anything to change between us.”

Dustin grinned weakly. “Except for the setting me up with girls part.”

Jason chuckled. “Except for the girls part.” The mirth quickly dissipated and he looked hesitant, as if approaching a difficult question. “So...are we okay?”

Dustin nodded. “We’re okay.”

Warmth suddenly glowed from Jason’s face. “Awesome.”

“Yes,” Dustin murmured, “awesome.”

“Angela told me a bit about what happened.”

“She...told you?”

Jason turned on his butt and lay down on his bed, hands clasped behind his head. “The first thing I did when I left here was find her. I told her what you said and how I wanted to accept you, but that I felt a bit blindsided.”

“Sorry,” Dustin almost a whispered.

“You’re not the one who needs to apologize—that’s all me.” Jason turned his head to look him in the eye. “There’s no easy way to say things like that. To come out, especially when you weren’t sure of what my reaction might be, takes a lot of balls. And you, buddy, have balls of steel.” Jason turned his head back to stare at the ceiling again. “Anyway, Angela told me you went through a really rough week and this was your breaking point.”

“So she didn’t tell you the details?”

“Nah. I had no idea you were so down, buddy. I wish you could have told me about it...maybe I could have helped you through it, or at least have been someone to listen to you vent.”

Dustin eyed Jason. His body language, words, and tone of voice all seemed to indicate he was genuine. None of this felt like an act or an exaggeration. Would Jason be able to handle the full story—minus the sex parts?

“I think I’m in love, but the guy wants nothing to do with me. He’s super closeted, even more than I am, and I think I scared him into receding even further into the closet.”

Jason remained silent for a long moment. “I have to say, I expected it to be a bit weird to talk to you about guys, but I’m finding it not all that strange.” He rolled over on his side, hand under his head. “Tell me about your week and this guy you met.”

Dustin sensed only honest caring from Jason, so he jumped in with both feet. “His name is Kyle and we met last week.” Dustin told Jason about their initial meeting—though glossing over most of the sex—and their subsequent tutoring, as well as a highly censored version of his hookups with Rick, Jake, and Kevin, and the realization he truly and deeply loved with Kyle, and how he would do anything to be with him.