Awakenings - SF1 (67 page)

"What? It pissed you off that he was nice to you?"

"Yeah, since it was only because I was a girl. If he was going to be a jerk cause I was a boy he should have been a jerk when I turned out to be a girl!"

"You're something else, Ryan," she laughed. "So then what happened?"

"Oh, I had to sit there until Da came to get me."

"Was he mad?"

"He was more mad about the parking fee than anything else," she laughed. "But I had to pay him back for that out of my allowance. Since I only got $2 a week it took me a month!"

"Was that your only punishment?" she asked, not imagining that Martin would ever hit a child.

"Yeah, plus a very long lecture that I really deserved about using a handicapped ramp for play. We learned our lesson that day though," she admitted. "From then on we always kept one kid near the ramp to warn us if a real handicapped person was coming!"

"You are incorrigible, Ryan O'Flaherty."

"Yeah, well hanging out on my skateboard was nothing compared to the trouble I got into down here," she smirked as they entered the business district of Castro St.

"It looks so...
ordinary," she remarked as she looked around.

"You expected what? Dungeons, transvestites in every window?"

"No...
I don't know what I expected but it hardly looks gay at all," she mused as she turned in a complete circle.

"Yeah, it's pretty hard to tell," Ryan dryly remarked as they stopped in front of a small house wares store. "Do you like those towel bars?"

Jamie squinted at the very small towel racks that were displayed right near the front window. The bars were actually cast concrete replicas of massively engorged penises, all extra large. The towels were embroidered as usual for guest towels. One read 'Cum Towel', and other 'Trick Towel', and a pair that hung together read 'His and His'. She stood in slack jawed shock, finally turning to her grinning friend as she muttered, "I don't know what a trick towel is and I don't think I want to!" as she turned and continued to march down the street.

Another little video store had a display up celebrating the upcoming Academy Awards. Cute little Oscar replicas lined the display window but each Oscar was sporting a massive gold erection. Jamie gazed up at her smirking friend and asked, "Is the other side of the street all vaginas?"

"No," Ryan laughed. "It's pretty much all about the penis in the Castro."

Now Jamie's sense of equality was insulted. "That hardly seems fair," she demanded with hands on her hips. "Lesbians need love too!"

"I couldn't agree more," Ryan soothed as she wrapped her arm around her feisty friend to continue their walk.

When they reached the 'Double Rainbow' Ryan insisted that Jamie get two scoops of the double chocolate flavor. Because it was a little cold out they ate in the small shop. Ryan had ordered a hot fudge sundae and Jamie watched her eat with obvious pleasure.

"Are you sure you like kissing better than eating?" she teased.

"I'm positive," she replied with a little eyebrow wiggle.

"Then you must really like kissing," she said slowly.

"You have no idea," she intoned solemnly as she slowly shook her head.

Oh God, but I want to know. I really want to know!

Back on the street they decided to return via the opposite side just in case there were hidden vaginas that Ryan hadn't previously noticed. "It really seems unfair to me Ryan," Jamie insisted as they confirmed that the street was clearly focused on gay men and their equipment. "I mean, the Castro is supposed to be this big gay Mecca and it's all about men. I mean lesbians are the least interested group in the world when it comes to penises."

"Well," Ryan drawled, "one's with feeling in them at least."

"Huh?" she asked as she turned to face her friend, cocking her head slightly as she did so.

"Sorry," Ryan said quickly. "I was just making a joke. I was merely referring to lesbians interest in non-human penises."

Jamie gazed down at the ground for a moment and Ryan thought she had offended her by the little joke. But she was obviously considering the matter because she finally looked up and said, "Is that really a 'thing'? I mean, I thought that was a bad joke that guys always make."

Ryan's color rose dramatically as she pursed her lips and tried to decide how much to reveal. "Um...
well, it's kind of a...
do you really...
um...
should I give you my personal response or do you want a lesbian-wide answer," she finally got out.

Jamie immediately grasped her arm as she assured her, "I'm sorry, Ryan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I've just heard snide little comments about lesbians and their fake penises for years. I guess I want to know if there's any truth to it."

"Well, you did see the assortment at 'Good Vibrations', " she reminded her.

"Yeah, but I thought the vibrators would be the lesbian thing. I kinda thought the penises were for gay men."

"Um...
well...
I guess it depends on the um...
person..." she stammered.

"You don't have to answer, Ryan," she assured her. "I just...
I guess I'm surprised this bothers you since nothing else has seemed to."

Ryan considered this as they started to walk again. "Hmmm, you are right about that," she mused. "Maybe it's because I know you a lot better now. I don't know, Jamie," she said slowly. "Maybe I don't want you to think badly of me...
you're opinion has come to mean an awful lot to me," she admitted shyly.

"Ryan," she said emphatically, "why would something like this change my opinion of you?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, looking oddly adolescent. "You've been so conservative with your sexual expression, I guess I worry that you'll think my experiences make me kinda...
I don't know...
um, maybe slutty?" she gazed down at Jamie through the long bangs that had fallen into her eyes, adding to her adolescent demeanor.

"Ryan!" she nearly shouted. "You are a totally honorable woman! I would never think any such thing about you! But I also have no desire to make you uncomfortable. Let's just drop the whole topic, okay?" she asked gently.

"'Kay," she agreed, happy that Jamie respected her privacy. She slung her arm around her friend's shoulders and asked, "Um...I would like to talk about Tracy a little. Are up to hearing about it?"

"Yes, definitely," she said sincerely as she turned slightly and Ryan's arm dropped from her shoulder. But she was not ready to relinquish the contact so she reached over and grasped Ryan's hand. She threaded their fingers together as they walked along, hand in hand, as Ryan gathered her thoughts.

"Okay," she finally began. "I've told you that I don't want to be sexual with her until I'm sure that there will be some permanence there." She looked to Jamie for acknowledgment.

When she got it she continued, "When we first discussed this she was very much in support of that." Here she looked a bit sheepish, "But she seems to have changed the rules on me and I'm not sure what to do."

"What do you mean, 'Changed the rules'?" Jamie inquired, having a pretty good idea about this change given Tracy's behavior earlier in the day.

"Well, last night she really pushed me, and I nearly gave in. But I didn't," she said proudly. "But if I'm gonna stay focused I need to stop going to her apartment. God! She put on this little camisole and a thin silk robe when we got back from dinner. In no time at all my hands were inside that robe and she felt better than naked in just that thin, soft silk." They had been making steady progress on their walk but this thought made Ryan stand stock still for several moments. She looked positively transported by her memories and Jamie actually had to give her hand a squeeze to bring her back. "Wow!" she blushed. "I'm sorry for zoning out like that. It's just..." she mumbled as she shook her head.

"I know," Jamie said gently. "She's obviously decided that she's ready to sleep with you, Ryan. Women don't put on clothes like that just to stay cool."

"Right," Ryan nodded. Then as if she had just heard her statement she looked at her and laughed as she gently shook her head. "Well last night was bad enough, but today, I went downstairs to change. I thought she would stay upstairs, but I had my pants half off when she came down and literally threw herself at me. I had to actually fight her off!" she said with a bewildered expression. "It's hard enough to hold my own lust in check. There's no way I can keep a handle on hers at the same time!" she said rather helplessly.

"Do you want to be with her...
like that?" Jamie inquired.

"Yes... yes
... God, yes!" she stated with conviction. "I want her so much my teeth ache," she moaned. "I've never in my life turned down sex from someone that I wanted like this Jamie."

"So....
what's the problem? She wants you, you want her...."

"I feel like I want her like I normally want women. I'm used to having sex, Jamie. A lot of sex!" she said. "I think Tracy is beautiful, and very sweet. She's smart and quick and funny. And if she makes love as good as she kisses, I bet she is tremendous in bed," she intoned solemnly.

"And those are bad things?" Jamie asked, thoroughly confused.

"No, those are good things. But I have a hard time imagining that she is the last woman in my life. I don't know if I'm in love with her," she said thoughtfully. "And since I made this pledge to her and to myself, I don't feel right about breaking it."

"I can't tell you how much I admire your self control, Ryan," she said with conviction. "I know how hard this is for you."

"I guess you probably do know, given how long you waited to be sexual with Jack," she admitted. "How did you deal with the frustration?" she moaned as she shook her dark head slowly.

"Well, besides the obvious ways of releasing pressure," she grinned, "I just knew it was the right thing for me. And to be honest, I enjoyed those days a lot more than I enjoyed actually having sex," she admitted.

Ryan stopped dead in her tracks, mouth gaping open. "You did?" she squeaked out.

"Yeah, I did," she replied as she looked down at the pavement. "I guess that should have been a clue that things weren't going well in the relationship, huh?"

"That must have been awful for you, Jamie," she said sincerely. "What do you think changed?"

"Mia tells me that this is what to expect from a lot of guys," she said with disgust. "She says that they like kissing and touching but that once you will have sex, they focus on that instead of foreplay."

"Conor always teases me that lesbian sex is all foreplay," Ryan laughed. "Obviously it's not, but I'm not sure if it would bother me that much if it was," she said thoughtfully. "There is nothing on earth that I enjoy more than kissing a woman," she closed her eyes in pleasure and Jamie felt her own close as well. "I guess that having a penis just changes the focus of sex," she ventured.

"From my limited experience I would tend to agree," Jamie said, her voice straining a bit as they climbed the aptly named Hill St. "With Jack, sex was all about intercourse and orgasm," she said. "I would just be getting into it and he'd be done."

"Ouch," said Ryan as she visibly grimaced. "You've told me about him not liking oral sex after intercourse but I guess I didn't realize how pervasive the problem was," she admitted. "Were things ever good?"

"Yes, sometimes we'd be on the same wavelength. But usually I just felt like I had to have an orgasm by the time he did or it wouldn't happen. It made me feel under pressure to finish and that just doesn't work for me."

"I don't know anyone who can finish if they're under pressure to do so," Ryan agreed. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but maybe it's best that Jack broke it off," she said. "If you were really in love with him don't you think sex would have been great?" she asked.

"I always thought so," Jamie replied. "I've just assumed there was just something wrong with me, that I wasn't responsive enough or something."

"I rather doubt that," Ryan said with a grin. "I bet you'd be a little firecracker with the right person," she said as she slid her arm around her shoulders again.

And you're the one I want to light my fuse
, she silently replied.

Ryan finally turned to her and asked, "What do you think I should I do about Tracy?"

Don't ask me that, please!
she pleaded.
I want you to drop her like a hot rock and kiss me until I pass out!
But she stoically quieted her inner conflict and responded thoughtfully, "Tell me how you feel about her."

"I like her a lot," she replied confidently. "She's got all the attributes that I want in a woman. But there is one thing that really bothers me," she said.

"What's that?" Jamie inquired.

"I don't think she likes my family much," she said thoughtfully.

"How could that be?" Jamie asked in true surprise. "You've got the nicest family on earth!"

"Obviously, she's always been complimentary, but she has very good manners, so I would expect that. She's from a wealthy family in Los Angeles." After a beat she added, "No offense," with a little grin.