B006DTZ3FY EBOK (26 page)

He stopped, but did not immediately turn. When he did, it obviously cost him something. Gratitude flooded her heart, so sharp and sweet that tears stung her eyes.
“T
hank you.
”
She blinked to clear her vision.
“I
can
’
t
... I can
’
t let you go. Yet. I can
’
t let you go until I
... until I tell you something.
”

He did not move toward her.
“W
hat is it?
”
he asked quietly.

There was no time to ponder every angle. She had to choose, rightly or wrongly, on instinct. She followed her heart. She chose honesty.

“I
lied to you.
”

His head recoiled slightly, as if she had struck him.
Cynthia
covered her mouth with her hand, wishing she could call back the words. But having chipped a hole in the dam, the pressure of suppressed truth forced more words out of her. She gave a little gasp, then let the torrent take her.

“I
t was stupid and cowardly. I knew it was wrong the instant I did it. I never want to lie to you again. I hope
—
I hope you can forgive me.
”
Her voice threatened to break. She cleared her throat, lifted her chin, and went on.
“I
told you I wanted to be rich. That was a falsehood. It is my family who desires that for me, because they need funds and they see no way to obtain them except through me. You guessed that, but I led you to believe that you were wrong. I told you I wanted money for its own sake. I told you
—
well, I don
’
t remember exactly what I told you. I just know that whatever I told you was a lie.
”

He still said nothing, but he walked back to the window and placed his arm around her. She leaned against him, wilting with relief.
Just for a minute,
she promised herself. It wouldn
’
t do, to stay like this for long. It was scandalous enough, just being alone with him.

With her cheek against his chest, his voice rumbled in her ear when he spoke.
“E
very time I think I understand you at last, you trip me up somehow. Of course, in the present instance, I
’
m glad to be mistaken.
”

“D
erek, I
’
m sorry. I
’
m so sorry. The truth is, I
’
m rather a
—
well, I
’
m rather a mess, I
’
m afraid. I
’
m so confused lately. I don
’
t seem to know who I am, so how can anyone understand me? Even you.
”

“E
ven I.
”
He placed his finger beneath her chin and lifted her face off his chest, tilting it up so he could smile into her eyes.
“I
f that means you believe I have a special understanding of you, I
’
m glad.
”

She had spoken without thinking, but he was right; that was exactly what she had meant. A sense of wonder filled her heart.
“I
do believe it.
”
She felt her lips curve as she pondered this absurdity.
“D
aft, isn
’
t it? I don
’
t know
why
I believe it.
”

The faint, silvery light lent sorcery to his smile.
“I
grant you, it
’
s mysterious,
”
he said softly.
“B
ut it
’
s real. We both felt
it, that first night. A certain
... connection to each other. Remember?
”

That night, and ever since.
She nodded, speechless, then ducked back into his arms and once more laid her cheek against his chest.
“I
remember.
”
Her voice came out a bit quavery again. All these emotions were difficult to weather. One began to tremble from sheer exhaustion.

He held her quietly for a few moments. She closed her eyes, listening blissfully to his heartbeat. She felt silent laughter shake him.
“S
o you
’
re not entirely mercenary, after all.
”

“N
o,
”
she murmured.
“N
ot entirely.
”

“I’
ve been wrestling with the notion that I
’
d be better off without you. Trying to convince myself you were a cold-hearted jade. But I
’
ve been finding it a hard row to hoe, convincing myself of that. No matter the evidence.
”
His arm tightened around her.
“I
knew you were not,
”
he said, softly but with conviction.
“W
hat is it the French say? That the heart has reasons
that
reason knows nothing of.
”

“M
m.
”
She could not resist burrowing her nose into his waistcoat for a moment. He smelled wonderful.

“I
hope you will explain to me exactly why you lied. And, for that matter, why you confessed just now.
”

“O
h, that
’
s easy.
”
She was starting to feel a little tipsy. All this truth-telling was going to her head. And snuggling Derek in the starlight wasn
’
t helping her equilibrium, either.
“I
was afraid I could not resist you, and I thought I must,
”
she said recklessly.
“S
o I lied. Hoping that you would then dislike me. Or, at the very least, stop hanging about. And that, of course, would have helped me resist you.
”

“A
nd the confession?
”
Laughter quivered in his voice.

“O
nce again, I was motivated chiefly by fear. Do you see a pattern emerging?
”
Her light tone took on a self-mocking edge.
“T
his time, I was afraid I had gone too far and that you really
would
stop hanging about. And I am no longer quite as certain as I was
—”
She stumbled, suddenly appalled by her own frankness. And then she realized that if she stopped now, she would, yet again, allow fear to dictate her conduct. Anger at her own cowardice swept through her. She took a deep breath, and defied it.
“I
am no longer certain of much, Derek, but I do know what I feel. And the last thing in the world I want is to drive you away before you
’
ve had a proper chance to
—
to change my mind. It may be selfish of me
—”

His kiss interrupted her, scattering her thoughts like feathers in the wind.
Heaven.
She let her lips cling to his, almost delirious with desire. This would be her undoing. She knew it, and despaired
—
but even the despair felt too good to resist. How could she be virtuous, while Derek Whittaker tempted her with his kisses? She was only human.

His mouth lifted from hers. She tilted her chin higher, blindly seeking more, but he kept his face out of reach.
“M
arry me,
Cynthia
,
”
he said hoarsely.
“M
ust I kneel and beg? I will, if you want me to.
”

“N
o.
”
She opened her eyes, dazed.
“N
o, don
’
t do that.
”

“B
ut you will marry me.
”
His arms went possessively round her.
“Y
ou will.
”

“N
o,
”
she said desperately.
“D
erek, I can
’
t promise that. A hundred things may prevent it. My mother
—”

“H
ang
your mother! Sorry,
”
he added, as
Cynthia
stiffened.
“I
mean no disrespect. But it
’
s bad enough, letting Lady Ballymere decide your future. Now she
’
s deciding mine as well.
”
He took
Cynthia
’
s shoulders, holding her gently away from him so he could look into her face.
“D
on
’
t you realize, sweetheart, that if you agree to marry me I can protect you from her? From all of them. No one shall lecture you or scold you, ever again. Does your mother really have the power to say us nay?
”

It sounded wonderful, but it wasn
’
t real.
Cynthia
sighed.
“Y
es, actually, she does. I shall be one-and-twenty in two months
’
time, but
—”

“T
hen we
’
ll marry in three months
’
time. June
’
s a lucky month for weddings.
”

“D
erek, stop it! It
’
s not that simple.
”
She pulled herself out of his grip and turned away, feeling flustered and depressed.
“T
here is more at stake, here, than your happiness and mine. It
’
s not simply a matter of flouting my parents
’
authority and forcing them into genteel poverty for the rest of their lives
—
although that is bad enough. I
love
them. And I love Ballymere. I love the land on which I wa
s born, and all the dear people
...
”
Her throat constricted with emotion.
“E
veryone is depending on me. If I marry well, I replenish my family
’
s fortunes. By saving my father
’
s land for him, I rescue everyone who depends upon that land.
”
She turned back to him, pleading.
“D
erek, don
’
t you understand? It
’
s an awesome responsibility. I shall feel
terrible
if I fail at this. It
’
s too important.
”

He studied her face, his expression troubled.
“W
ell. In that case, we shall have to contrive a little. There must be something we can do. How much does your family need? Do you know?
”

She shook her head miserably.
“I’
ve no idea. Not in any real terms.
”

“W
hat had Filey promised them?
”

“T
hirty thousand,
”
she said reluctantly, and saw his jaw drop in disbelief.

“T
hirty thousand
pounds?
”

“Y
es.
”
She bit her lip.
“I
know it sounds utterly mad. And that was just in marriage settlements, mind you. I have the impression they expected he would offer additional help from time to time, as the need arose.
”

“G
ood God.
”
He looked stunned.
“I
can
’
t possibly
offer
that.
”

“N
o. Scarcely anyone could.
”

A new thought seemed to occur to him. He looked skeptically at her.
“Y
ou know, the Ellsworths may have pots of money, but I can
’
t picture them handing over a cool thirty thousand just to secure a bride for their John. Not even if the bride were you, my love. Why should they? If Lady Hannah is carrying a torch for him, he can
’
t be as hopeless as you and I think he is.
”

“O
h, I don
’
t think Mama expects to receive another offer like Sir James
’
s. Those circumstances were
—”
She swallowed hard.
“U
nique.
”
She didn
’
t like to think of those days. Her engagement to Filey had been extremely unpleasant.