Back To Me (9 page)

              He leaned back over, checked his mirror and pulled back onto the highway. He said nothing else and he didn’t have to. I deserved everything he just said. And he was right.
Who was I?
I was no one to him now; no one except the woman who broke his heart. The one who turned and ran like a coward. I’m still that same coward today, unable to tell him how I really feel. Billy, however, had no trouble telling me exactly where he stood. Guess it was time to accept it once and for all. I could make this easy on us both.

              Neither of us spoke another word. We just rode in extremely uncomfortable silence. I stared out the window, watching as everything turned into one big blur. I let out a deep breath, silently to myself. It was time to put my game face on. Get into character, just like I had so many times at Tommy’s. There I had to be an unsuspecting slut. This role would be much, much harder.

              I heard the blinker, signaling our exit from the highway. He turned right and pulled into a mom & pop diner, complete with checkerboard tablecloths and vinyl dining booths. The outside was charming and the smell that wafted from inside was mouthwatering.

              He put the truck in park and exited, waiting at the front of the vehicle for me to join him. I climbed down out of the beastly truck as best I could, gripping tightly to the door handle. Once I had the door shut, the alarm sounded and beeped once, securing what few belongings I had in there.

              Billy was polite enough to hold the door open for me, but he had yet to utter a single syllable. Not that I blamed him. It was a ‘seat yourself’ atmosphere and I walked ahead of him, choosing a booth in the back. I didn’t want the stares and whispered utterances of the other patrons, wondering what someone like Billy was doing in here with someone like me. Heads turned, that was for sure, but I knew it was the women gawking at him. It was impossible not to.

              “Hi there, sugar. What can I get for ya?” the waitress asked, speaking solely to Billy.

              “Coffee. Black, please.” He cut his eyes to me, waiting for me to place my order.

              “Just a water with lemon, please.” I was speaking to the waitress now,
Judy
was her name, but she never bothered looking my direction.

              “Be right back,” she said, with a wink before bounding away, swaying her hips in an exaggerated measure.

              I rolled my eyes just in time for Billy to notice. “Problem?” he asked with a smirk.

              “No. No problem. If you like strangers blatantly flirting with you while I’m sitting right here.” I muttered, saying the last part quietly to myself.

              “Green’s not your color, angel.” He sat there with a self-satisfying, smug grin and I wanted to slap it right off his face. “We aren’t together, ya know?”

              “Yeah, I know, but she doesn’t. How does she know I’m not your wife or something? I just think it’s rude, and I can’t believe you’re defending her!” So much for my plan to be indifferent. If my jealousy didn’t show my true feelings, I didn’t know what did.

              Billy held up his left hand, wiggling and flashing his ring finger. “No ring, angel. Dead giveaway.”

              I leaned over, half-whispering and half-yelling. He seemed to be enjoying this, but I, however, was not. “A lot of married men don’t wear wedding bands. That shouldn’t be the sole reason she’s shamelessly flirting!”

              He said nothing else, but I noticed the moment his eyes cut up.
Judy
must be on her way back over.

              “Black coffee, darlin’,” she said, setting the cup and saucer down and pouring the steaming hot, dark liquid in. “Here’s your water,” she said, practically slamming my glass down, sloshing water onto the table in the process.

              “What can I get ya to eat?”

              “Um, we need a minute to look over the menu,” he replied, flashing his dazzling, panty-melting smile.

              “Sure thang, sweetie. I’ll be right back.” She sauntered off and I gagged from her overindulged perfume.
Really
? It was putrid!

              Billy took a menu from behind the napkin holder and handed me one as well. He looked down quickly, as did I, though I could hardly concentrate on what I was looking at.

              “Anything sound good?” he asked.

              “Not sure yet. What about you?”

              “I’m starving and you need to eat. You look like you’re wasting away over there, right before my eyes.”

             
What?
“I’m sorry if I’m that horrible to look at!” I said, hurt. “I just don’t eat as much as I used to.” I whispered the last part, though I doubt he cared much.

              “Well, you need to. And you’re not horrible to look at. Still as beautiful as always.”

              I glanced at him over the top of my menu and found him staring at me, his hungry gaze burning me to my core.

              “Thank you,” I blushed and resumed scouring over the menu. I would need to pick something substantial, but cheap. I fully intended on paying my own way, but what little money I had needed to last.

              “Well, what’ll it be?”
Judy
asked with a drawl and such sweetness that I wanted to throw up.

              Billy sighed and leaned back. “I’ll have three eggs, over easy. Toast, a side of bacon and grits, and hash browns. Oh, and a small orange juice.”

              My mouth was salivating just listening to him order.
Judy
turned towards me, finally, but still didn’t ask what I wanted. She just stood there, smacking her gum with an annoyed look on her face.

              “Um,” I said, bashfully. “This is on a separate ticket, please. I’ll just have some toast and scrambled eggs, please.” I tucked my menu away, not bothering to glance in Billy’s direction or anywhere in the vicinity. I knew he was scowling, and I didn’t want another lecture.

              Before
Judy
could get away, he grabbed her arm, pulling her back toward the table. “It’s on
one
ticket,” he corrected. “And also, I’m here with my girl, so if you could hold down the flirting that’d be great.” He gave her his magnetic smile as her facial expression fell and then she quickly and quietly scurried in the other direction.

              It didn’t escape me that he watched her leave. Even I could appreciate that she had a nice backside, but it was very ungentlemanly that
he
had to notice after everything he’d just said.  He turned his attention back to me and smiled, as if he’d earned his merit badge.

              “Why’d you do that?” I scoffed. I was embarrassed, though admittedly I was doing cartwheels and backflips on the inside. Even if it was just pretend, he called me
his girl
and it never sounded so good. I missed having that title, but I was just stubborn enough that he’d never know it.

              “I thought you were upset that she was flirting so I rectified the situation. You’re welcome.” Billy’s tone was dripping with sarcasm and missing the sensitive characteristics that I had always associated with
my
Billy.

              “I was, but I didn’t ask you to do me any favors!” I crossed my arms and my legs, throwing my body against the back of the booth with full force. I was in a full temper-tantrum mood, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. “I don’t need your charity,” I added.

              “No. I’m sure you don’t and that’s not what it was,” he answered. “But you’re right, she doesn’t know that we aren’t together and it’s rude of her to assume otherwise. I was only trying to keep you from being embarrassed.” He looked down and studied his steaming cup of coffee, looking deep in thought.

              Once I had time to process his words, I cooled off a bit. I nudged his shin with my foot, garnering his attention. With a slight smile I thanked him and we proceeded through the rest of our meal with what could only be described as awkwardness.

              I scarfed mine down and even finished off Billy’s leftovers. I wasn’t oblivious to his eyes as they surveyed my every bite, but I was starving. It was no secret that I looked frail, but having air conditioning in California is sometimes more important than food.

              “Ready?” he asked, standing abruptly. Billy didn’t even bother waiting for the check. Instead he threw a couple twenties on the table, more than enough to cover our meal and still leave a sizeable tip, and I followed him out to the truck.

              Once at the passenger door, he turned suddenly, trapping me against the truck. He once again invaded my personal space as his natural, all-male scent threatened to bring me to my knees. I was sure I let out a whimper, silently begging him to kiss my lips.

              “How long since you’ve really eaten?” he demanded. It didn’t take long for my lustful mood to flit away, and I became angry once again. My life, or lack thereof, wasn’t his business. It hadn’t been for some time.

              “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

              “Yeah, it kinda does. Why didn’t you tell me you needed help?” he asked.

              “Because I wasn’t your concern anymore. I’ve looked after myself for years. That doesn’t have to change now. Thank you for breakfast.
I ate
. I feel better. Can we go now?” I hung my head, embarrassed that everything I’d just said was a lie. At least the part about looking out for myself. Truth? If I hadn’t had Johnny, or Trace I’d probably be dead by now.

              Billy gently lifted my chin with his finger and moved in closer. Just another inch and our lips would have met. Rockets would have gone off, I’m sure of it. Instead he responded, “I get that you’re tough and I respect that you’re independent. Just promise me you’ll eat, okay? Take care of yourself a little better, and let me worry about everything else.”

              I couldn’t answer so I simply shrugged my shoulders, more than ready for this conversation to be over. Deciding to change the subject I asked, “Would you like for me to drive for a while?”

              He stretched and looked around, obviously stalling.

              “You don’t trust me?” I surmised.

              “No. I trust you, but this truck is awful big. Think you can handle it?” he chuckled.

              “I can handle anything,” I replied, grabbing the keys from his hand.

              I walked around the monstrosity and hit the unlock button on the keypad. It chirped once and I pulled the door open, trying to figure out how the hell to get in the stupid thing.

              I looked across the seat to find Billy staring at me with a smug grin. “Need some help, angel?”

              “I got it.” Time to cowgirl up. I was
not
going to give him the satisfaction of having another laugh at my expense. I braced one foot on the chrome bar and planted a firm grip on the steering wheel. Giving one good heave-ho, I put all my force into it and made the leap. Not gracefully, mind you, but at least my butt made contact with the seat and not the pavement. I didn’t glance in his direction, but I could feel pride radiating from him. I mentally gave myself a high-five and started the truck. Trying to keep my composure, which was difficult at best, I turned to face him. “C’mon, cupcake. Ready?”

              “Yeah, I’m ready, angel.” Billy fastened his seat belt with a chuckle and looked straight forward. It was a good thing because I would have melted if he had glanced my direction. Carefree and fun-loving Billy was the best.

              I put the beast in reverse, careful to not hit the cars parked on either side of us. Why the hell guys needed trucks this big I’ll never know, but I have to admit I was a bit thrilled with the idea that I could easily run someone over if they got in my way.

              I pulled out of the parking lot, smoothly making my way back to the highway. Only a few more hours and we’d be home…or wherever the heck we were going.

10

Billy

              I had been driving for hours, and my eyelids were drooping with each passing mile. Heather was curled up against the window and talking in her sleep, though I couldn’t make out the words. I knew it was a fitful sleep, as she kicked and jerked most of the time. She kept mumbling something about a baby, but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

              My brain was still reeling from the past twenty-four hours and trying to cram an ounce of anything else in there wasn’t what I needed. Still, something in the pit of my stomach felt off. I pressed the accelerator down even further, pushing the needle on the speedometer closer to ninety. I was going well over the limit, but I wanted to put as much distance between us and California as I could, and fast.

              It was into the third track of Kings of Leon that I heard Heather rousing beside me. She tried to conspicuously wipe the drool from her chin and this time I decided to let it go. I had been less than a gentleman earlier and I didn’t want to do anything else to push her over the edge. That is until she started questioning me about where I saw this going. I wasn’t necessarily mad at the line of questions as much as I was not being able to tell her how I felt. That I still loved her and that I wanted her with me. That I secretly hoped when all of this was over that she’d choose to stay with me. No, I couldn’t tell her any of that and it hurt more than it pissed me off. She’d made it perfectly clear before we left her house that she felt nothing for me anymore. Nothing but disgust. When she started in about being a screw buddy I really lost it. I had never and
could never
think of her that way.

              Things at the diner didn’t go any smoother. The waitress was a flirt. I spotted her from a mile away. It shocked me that Heather was upset; that she even cared in the slightest. I was getting nothing but mixed signals from her. One minute she didn’t care and wanted nothing to do with me, and the next she was biting my head off for a little innocent flirting. What she didn’t know was that no one could hold a candle to her. Not even close. Heather was beautiful inside and out. I wasn’t that shallow and Grams lesson came to mind.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Physical attraction is simple. It’s someone’s eyes and the way they look at you, or their smile and the way it can brighten the craziest of days. The way their hand feels in yours, or the curve of their hip. It can be any number of things, and of course Heather is all that and more. But inside, the giving and generous side; the way she cared for others and put them first. The way she would give her last dime to help a friend in need, even if it meant she went without. Those are things that at the end of the day are the greatest gifts. I wish she knew how much of that I still see in her, though she’d like me to believe otherwise.

              However, like always, my temperament and my big mouth had a mind of their own. I said some mean things to her once again, and I knew better. She was fragile, of that I was sure. She was just as broken as me, we just handled it differently. I tried to hide my pain, letting only a bottle of Jack know how worn down I really was. Heather wore it on her sleeve, though to her she was hiding it from the world. Maybe it’s because I knew her so well that I could see what others couldn’t. Regardless, I needed to be more careful about what I said and how I said it. She’d been through so much already and it was all because of me. No need to keep pouring salt on the wound.

              She was behind the wheel driving and I was in the same uncomfortable position she’d been in earlier. My eyes burned from being up for two days straight and I had to get some rest. I was a little nervous about her maneuvering the monster of a truck, but once she backed out of the small space with ease, I knew she could handle it.

              “Just stay on this stretch of interstate for the next hundred miles or so. I should be awake in time to get us the rest of the way there.”

              “You’re the boss!” she replied, sweetly smiling at me in the process. It was cute with a hint of sarcasm and suddenly my plan to get some shut eye didn’t seem like the brightest idea. Maybe she was going to drive us off a cliff. Just end everything once and for all. Better yet, maybe she was going to drive us
to
a cliff and push the truck off with me in it, just for good measure.

              “You look worried,” Heather replied, gauging my reaction.

              “Worried?
Pfff.
I’m not worried.” I laughed it off as best I could. Deep down I knew she wouldn’t purposefully cause me any physical harm, but I couldn’t blame the girl if she did. She had every right to loathe me and judging by her reactions I’d say that just about sums it up.

              “Relax. I’ll get you home in one piece.” To my surprise, she cranked Kings of Leon back up and started singing along as if she were putting on a solo concert for her stuffed animals. I’ll admit it was downright cute and I chuckled quietly to myself. For a brief moment, she seemed like the old Heather again.
Like my angel
.

              It didn’t take long before I was sawing logs and surprisingly there were no nightmares this time.
I guess I could attribute my peaceful slumber to the fact that Heather was safe; that she was right here with me and there was nothing Raul could do to her now. Or maybe it was seeing him again and realizing there was nothing more he could do to me. Not where my angel was concerned anyway. Whatever the reason, there was no way I was going to mind-numbingly dissect it to the point where I
couldn’t
sleep.

              I don’t remember dreaming at all. Heather’s perfume was lulling me in and out of consciousness, and her now quiet humming was just what the doctor ordered. I readjusted my legs, stretching them out in front of me as best I could and leaned my head back on the seat.

              Between being semi-comatose and dead to the world, I could hear her teeth grinding together. I peeked through my lashes to see Heather biting down on her jaw so hard that it was flexing. She was mumbling to herself, completely unaware that I was hanging onto every syllable I could make out.

             
“He doesn’t love you anymore, stupid girl. Get that through your head!”

              Interesting. She was talking to herself and this was a prime opportunity, albeit underhanded, to find out once and for all where we stood. I knew she was too stubborn to tell me face to face.
Okay.
I’ll admit, so was I and so this was the next best thing.

             
“You’re wasting your time. He’s only helping you as a friend. That’s it,” she mumbled again.

              Wasting her time? A friend? Did she want to be more?

             
“If he ever finds out what you did, he’ll never forgive you. He’ll hate you forever.”

              A lone tear streaked down her cheek and though I was dying to wipe it away, to wipe all her tears away, what she said had me beyond intrigued.
What she did?
And how bad could it be that I’d hate her forever? I could never hate her.

              She didn’t say anything else as she wiped her face, making sure her makeup was still in place. I made a noise, signaling to her that I was waking up so she wouldn’t say anything else. I had obviously heard more than I was supposed to, and things that she never intended for me to hear in the first place. I certainly couldn’t question her about it, though I was dying to know this secret. Maybe before long I could get it out of her. Until then I knew it would drive me insane.

              “Did you have a good nap?” she asked without looking in my direction.

              “I did, thank you. It was nice to sleep for a change.”

              “You don’t sleep?” she asked, sounding concerned.

              “I don’t. Not much anyway. You?” This was much safer. Taking the focus off me and putting it back on her.

              “Well, I worked odd hours so during the day mostly. Sometimes I get restless though.”

              “I understand that.”

              “What else?” she asked.

              “What do you mean?”

              “Well, tell me what you’ve been up to for the past several years. If we’re going to live together we might as well get reacquainted.”

              “Okay,” I replied. “Fair enough.”

              I took a moment to collect my thoughts, deciding on what to tell her. I decided to settle on a need-to-know basis. It wasn’t necessary to tell her that just a few hours ago, I was drunk and tearing my house apart. She didn’t need to know that I rarely went out and I didn’t socialize with anyone because I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want her sympathy and I sure as hell didn’t need her pity.

              “Well, I live in my grandmother’s old house. It’s where I grew up and she left it to me when she died.”

              Heather smiled her beautiful smile and said, “I remember you talking about her. Very fondly if I recall correctly.”

              “Yes, I was very fond of her. She was like a mom to me. She raised me when no one else wanted the task.” I turned my head to look out the window, embarrassed that I was acting so emotional. It’s just a damn house!

              “What else?” she prodded.

              “Well, I worked undercover until a few months ago. It was my last assignment. I decided I was through.”

              She didn’t respond for several minutes and I didn’t push her. I wanted it to sink in. I wanted her to understand that I had left that life behind.

              “You did?” she finally questioned with disbelief.

              “I did. After I recovered from being shot, I moved back to Montana and became sheriff. It’s a small town so there was never any real danger. Not until a few years ago anyhow.”

              “What happened a few years ago? Did you get hurt again?” Her voice was strained and I knew she’d just gone back in time. Back when she thought she had lost me.

              “Well, remember me telling you about my friends that were excited to meet you? Luke and Lauren are their names. Luke and I have been friends for years; since elementary school. Of course when I was in California and undercover we lost touch. It wasn’t until I moved back that we reconnected. All of us guys did. Anyhow, Lauren came to town a few years ago, running from her abusive husband. Long story short, I took him out and they are happily married with a little girl. Her name is Sam.” I smiled just thinking about her and how I couldn’t wait to surprise her by showing up to her birthday party.

              “Sam? She must adore you!” Heather was practically squealing. You know the way women get when a baby comes around, or a stray dog? Yeah, that way. Piercing to the ears, but good for the soul. She was genuinely excited and a little chunk of ice broke away from my heart.

              “Well, I don’t know about that,” I said, shaking my head. “She’s just turning four. She doesn’t know any better yet!”

              I laughed it off, not even considering telling Heather what I jerk I’d been. How I’d abandoned Sam and everyone else.

              “I’m sure she’s very smart. Okay, so what then?”

              “Once their ordeal was over I started taking on some side work. Undercover for Tom. Nothing major, but I helped out where I could. After my last assignment I told him I was done. This time for good. I’ve got enough money, so essentially I’m retired. I’m debt free otherwise, so it works out relatively well.” I shrugged my shoulders, keeping the fact I was more than well off to myself. Not only had I inherited Grams house, but she’d also left me a shitload of money that she’d been smart enough to invest. I hadn’t touched a single red cent.

              “Oh, well that’s good.” As she turned, I saw her reflection in the window. The expression on her face confirmed what I already knew to be true. I was an asshole. While I was spilling my guts to her, it hadn’t dawned on me that she had worked in that hell-hole for years and barely scraped by. I knew from the looks of her rundown house that she couldn’t afford much and she’d so much as told me that she didn’t eat.

              “Angel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be boastful…”

              “No. No, it’s okay, I promise. You deserve to be happy, Billy. I’m glad that you did well for yourself. You have nothing to apologize for.” She tried to give me a smile, but I knew on the inside she wanted nothing more than to break down.

              “If I’d have known you were struggling….”

              She chuckled at this. “You’d what? Have sent me money? Helped me out? Paid my bills? Billy, there’s no way in hell I’d have let you do that.”

              Pride. The woman was so damn prideful that it was infuriating!

              “You mean to tell me that you’d rather have starved than to have taken money from me?”

              “Well, yeah,” she exclaimed. “Why would I take money from you?”

              And there it was. Hanging in the balance and yet neither of us wanted to say it.
She left me.
I got shot and she left. No good-bye. No kiss my ass. Just gone.

              I took a deep breath and just went with whatever my brain had to say. I might pay for it later, but best to get it over with now. “Angel, you don’t have to feel bad for leaving. You were right to get away from me. I was no good for you then, and I’m no good for you now.”