Back To Us (25 page)

“You look good, Justin. I’m happy for you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I thought you’d be more surprised about my news.”

“I ran into Jeff last week, he told me you moved out on your own.”

“Hmmm. He didn’t tell me.”

“I don’t want to make you late for work.” I looked into Justin’s eyes then turned away. It was hard to be that close to him when I knew we were no longer an “us.” “I just wanted to see you, and make sure you were okay, and ask you if you think maybe one day we can at least be friends.” Thoughts of Justin happy with another girl flooded my mind out of nowhere. I shook my head trying to clear the image. It would be near impossible to be friends with him. “I’m sorry. I probably should have just called.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

I was afraid he wouldn’t answer. So instead I’d gotten on a train and ridden an hour to make sure I’d have a chance to talk to him, but I hadn’t taken into account the way he’d make me feel standing so close to him, even though he was still so out of reach. “I’m off today, didn’t have anything else to do.”

“Jess.” Justin waited for me to look at him again before continuing. “I’ve missed you.” He reached for my hand and laced his fingers through mine. I felt faint as my heart flip-flopped in my chest. I wanted to say something to let Justin know that I missed him, too, but I couldn’t find the words. Instead I stared at my feet. Justin tilted my chin up, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I was sort of hoping the reason you came all the way up here was because you missed me, too.”

I nodded ever so slightly, but enough for Justin to notice. He leaned towards me and before I knew what was happening he pressed his lips softly on mine. My breath caught in my throat. I dropped Justin’s hand and wrapped my arms around him.

“I was scared you still hated me,” I finally said.

“I never hated you.” My head rested on Justin’s chest as he spoke. “It wasn’t really you I was angry at that day, but myself. I’m still really ashamed about the way I acted.”

“Justin, I. . .”

Before I had a chance to finish what I was going to say Justin dropped his arms from around me and grabbed my hand leading me behind him into the community center.

“Where are we going?”

“You said you were off today, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but. . .”

We passed by Don who was sitting in front at his desk. “Jessica, what are you doing here?” he asked.

I would’ve answered, but Justin pulled me past him before I had a chance. We finally stopped in front of Mrs. Connor’s office. Justin knocked on her door and after she told us come in we walked inside.

“Oh, Jessica. What a lovely surprise,” she said before turning to Justin. “What’s up, Justin?”

“I’m going to need the day off.”

Mrs. Connor smiled, her eyes darted back and forth between me and Justin. “If it was anyone else. . .”

“Thanks.” Justin gave her a hug and I stifled an urge to laugh at the surprised look on her face. “You’re the best.”

I followed Justin out of the building and back onto the street. “Where are we going?”

“You decide. I don’t really care, I just want to be with you.”

“I don’t know.” I hadn’t expected Justin to take the day off to spend it with me. I half believed that he wouldn’t even agree to talk to me so my mind still felt like it needed to catch up to what was happening.

“We have a lot to talk about, Jess. And I’d like to do that somewhere private.” He hesitated before continuing. “Can I take you to my place?”

I nodded, still somewhat in a daze. I couldn’t believe I was holding Justin’s hand again, much less that we were on our way to his apartment.

Justin hailed a taxi. “I thought you were done with cabs,” I teased as we settled in beside each other.

“I don’t want to wait a second longer to get you alone than it has to.”

Justin’s apartment was a bit farther from the community center than where he’d lived before, but it was still in Manhattan. The apartment was spacious and updated, and, despite the fact that it was barely furnished, it was still a million times nicer than mine.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Justin asked as I took a seat on the couch.

“A glass of water would be nice.”

I looked around while Justin poured me some water from a pitcher in his refrigerator. He walked over and handed me the glass. “I haven’t been here that long. I’m planning on getting more furniture soon.”

“So what made you finally decide to do it, to get your own place?”

Justin sat beside me. “After that fight we had I was really angry, and then I got really, really depressed. I was so sure I was right about the things I said to you in the park that day until Jeff barged into my room one day and told me I was being an ass and that I’d just run off the best thing that had ever happened to me. He told me he’d talked to you, and he was really pissed at me for walking away from you, and then coming home and acting like you’d been the one who dumped me. I was really mad at first, but after a few days I began to think about the things Jeff said, and I started seeing your side of things.” Justin lowered his head like he was afraid to look in my eyes. I reached for his hand. “I was so sure that you couldn’t—that no one could—love someone like me that I never really let you in. I was too busy thinking about the problems in my life to realize that I was hurting you. And I’m sorry for doing that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to understand.”

Justin shook his head. “It wouldn’t have mattered. In case you haven’t noticed I can be kind of stubborn.”

I tried not to laugh. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

“Anyway, it took me a while, but bit by bit, I started getting my head together, and then I wasn’t angry anymore—I just missed you like crazy. I wanted to find you and beg you to forgive me and take me back. I even came to your neighborhood a few times, but I always turned back around. I swore that when I saw you again, when I asked you to forgive me, that I’d have my shit together and be the man you deserved. That’s when I decided to look for my own place. Because you were right.” Justin smiled, his amber eyes lit up. “I’m starting to believe you’re always right.”

“No, I am
so
not.”

“I have challenges, but I’m not a cripple. I’m actually really lucky. There’s tons of guys who got hurt way worse than I did, but instead of being grateful for still being able to walk, I just felt sorry for myself.” Justin spoke animatedly. “But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to live my life again the way I did before I got injured, before I saw my friends dying in front of my eyes, because they can’t, but I still can, and I don’t want to waste the chance I was given.”

“Wow, Justin. I. . .I don’t know what to say.”

“I started going to a PTSD support group through the VA. It helped me a lot more than those fancy shrinks my mom kept making me see. I’m still going, and I think I’ll need to keep going for. . .”

I cut him off. “It’s fine, Justin. You don’t have to explain it to me. If it helps you that’s all I really care about.”

“I’m not all better yet, Jess. I still have nightmares, and I still wake up sometimes and stare at what’s left of my legs and I hate them, but I don’t want to be away from you for another second. I don’t want to wait until I’ve got myself all sorted out. I know that’s selfish, but I love you, Jess. I just want to go back to us.”

“Justin, you’re not selfish.” I felt like I could hardly breathe. “And I don’t expect you to be perfect, because I’m not either. All I wanted from you was a chance for us to help each other.”

“So that means you won’t tell me no all the time when there’s something I want to do for you?” I narrowed my eyes at Justin, which he noticed right away. It brought a smile to his face. “What? Are you saying I’m wrong?” he asked.

“No, you’re not wrong,” I conceded. I hadn’t thought about the fact that I’d also refused to let him in entirely. Maybe that was why he hadn’t been able to fully trust me. I’d never seen it that way before. “Oh, Justin. I’m sorry, too. It wasn’t all your fault that we fell apart.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. That’s the past, and I’m sure we can make things work, Jess, if you give us a chance.”

“What happens if we hit some bumps in the road?”

“Then I’ll hold on to you real tight.”

“Like this?” I scooted closer to Justin and wrapped my arms around him. He felt so warm, I leaned into him and rested my head under his chin inhaling his scent. I felt Justin’s chest rise and fall with each breath he took.

“Oh, Jess,” he finally said. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you right now.”

“Show me.”

Justin’s lips found mine, and I slowly lowered myself back on the couch with him on top of me. His hands cupped the sides of my face, then he reached for my hair and wrapped his hands in it as he kissed my neck. I slid my hands under Justin’s shirt, his back was slick with sweat making his skin feel softer than I remembered, but that was a few months ago, and since then I’d convinced myself that I’d never have him in my arms again. Now that he was, I wanted him more than it felt possible to want someone.

“Justin,” I murmured his name.

“What is it, Jess?”

“Is this really happening?”

“It’s happening,” he whispered and then kissed me again. My breaths came in quick gasps as his tongue teased me. I pulled off Justin’s shirt and ran my hands up his sculpted chest. Button by button Justin helped me out of my dress. I lay there staring up at him wearing nothing except my bra and underwear.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he said.

I reached around my back to unhook my bra and when it was off Justin leaned over me and teased my nipples gently with his tongue. I moaned and reached for him.

“You sure you want to do this now, Jess?’

“Very sure,” I breathed.

“Not here. Let’s go to the bedroom.”

Justin pulled me up and led the way. The rest of our clothes wound up in a heap next to his bed. He lay down first and I got on top of him and guided his hardness inside me. His hands held onto my hips as he swayed beneath me. I shuddered at the feel of him wondering how I’d made it so many months without him. It felt like there was no me and no Justin, like the two of us were one.

As Justin and I lay beside each other afterwards he played with the necklace he’d given me almost a year ago.

“You’re still wearing it.”

“I could never bring myself to take it off.”

It was only our grumbling stomachs that lured us out of bed later that afternoon. We ate lunch together, talked, made love again and then ordered pizza for dinner. It was dark outside by the time I left Justin’s apartment. He walked me downstairs and while we waited for a taxi he made me promise I’d be back the next day so we could have dinner together.

Night and day seemed to slow to a crawl as I counted the hours until Justin and I would see each other again. Finally, at four-thirty I got on the train headed towards Manhattan. Justin was already downstairs waiting for me. “What are you hungry for?” he asked after I kissed him.

“Hmmm. I don’t know.” I wasn’t actually hungry at all, but supposed it was probably better that I at least try and eat dinner. “Maybe Chinese?”

“There’s a nice restaurant just around the corner from here,” he said. “It’s pretty casual though.”

“You know I don’t mind casual.”

It took only a few minutes to get to the restaurant. We ordered our food and sat across from each other holding hands across the table. “I missed you, Jess,” Justin said.

“I missed you, too.”

“I’m not talking about the past couple of months, although I missed you like crazy then too, I’m talking about today. You’re the only thing I could think about all day.”

“And you think it was any different for me?”

“Then what are we doing here? I just want to be alone with you.”

Justin’s words were barely out when the waiter came with our food. I smiled at Justin and looked up at our waiter. “You know what, we’re going to take that to go.”

Ten minutes later we were in the elevator in Justin’s building. He pinned me with his body against the back of the elevator while he kissed me. The two of us almost missed getting out on the right floor. Justin unlocked the door to his apartment and I put our take-out cartons in the kitchen as we stepped inside. “I’m not really hungry,” I said to Justin. “At least not for food.”

He answered me with a kiss. We moved into his bedroom. I lay down and Justin kissed me again. I reached for him, but he held my arms down by my side with his hands. “No,” he whispered in my ear. “I want to taste every inch of you first.” My body tingled in response to his words. Slowly, he peeled off my clothes and kissed my neck and chest and breasts. He traced his tongue down to my waist and reached between my legs with his hand. I felt like I was on fire. He grabbed my hand with his as he lowered himself to finish his promise to taste every inch of me. I cried out as he made me climax and then again when he entered me. His movements were slow at first, then became more ardent until the both of us climaxed together.

Justin slid beside and kissed the top of my head. He whispered “I love you,” but didn’t say anything else after that. The feeling of being next to him again was both new and familiar at the same time. My heart, which for the past three months had felt almost as if it weren’t a part of me, was whole again. I was so deep in my thoughts that it was only after a while that I realized how quiet Justin had also been. I turned to look at him to see if I could read his thoughts on his face. His eyes were closed, and for a moment I wondered if he’d fallen asleep.