Bad Austen (17 page)

“It also seems handsome,” said her friend, elizabeth, “which an apartment ought likewise to be, if it possibly can. Its excellence is thereby complete. I give you leave to like it. You have liked many a stupider investment.”

Armed with the lavish praise of most of their friends and acquaintances, and not at all deterred by the apparently envious calls to prudence and caution by the rest, the eltons, possessed of a dual income and no encumbrances, decided that their happiness only needed the purchase of an adjoining apartment in the same building to be complete.

Not possessed of the wherewithal to effect such a purchase on their own, the two had no option but to approach the banks, which were only too happy at that time, in the year six, to finance all the extravagant whims and profligate fancies of the real estate speculators.

Heavily burdened by debt, and struggling to make their mortgage payments on time, the young couple was yet hopeful of the future and looked forward to a time when their investments would appreciate in value and fulfill all their aspirations.

Alas, it was not to be. The economic recession of the year eight, the crumbling real estate market, and the global financial crisis were all equally against them. The value of the apartments plunged by half, they lost their jobs, the banks threatened to foreclose, their maxed-out credit cards offered no solace, and the two had no choice but to abandon their bank-financed BMWs at the airport and flee to the faraway shores of their home countries.

Time passed, and though inadvertently delayed, the opening of Burj khalifa was held in the year ten. As the eltons watched the glittering opening ceremony on their television screen, which featured an extravagant display of fireworks, sound, and light and water effects, they breathed a sigh of regret and wished that they had heeded their friends’ advice and limited their ambition within the bounds of what was practicable and feasible.

However dismal might be the end to the promised brilliancy of their career, the developers of the property yet succeeded in what they had set out to do. I therefore leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend fiscal prudence in individuals or reward extravagant ambition in developers.

P
ursuit

P
ATRICIA
R
ICHARDS

It is a fact very rarely vocalized that a wealthy, divorced gentleman will be pursued—in a dignified manner—by any recently divorced female greatly in search of a more salubrious experience of matrimony, and that this gentleman will also be pursued by any single female with an eye keenly on the lookout for a prospect who might lead to potentially comfortable circumstances.

Such is the situation of Mr. Howard, whose circumstance, whispered to be considerable, has attracted the quite speculative attentions of one Miss Harrington-Davis, who, certain of her attractions and quite determined, has decided that she must be the next Mrs. Howard. Miss Harrington-Davis, it might be noted, is quietly rumored to have moved from the far reaches of the county to be within close hailing distance of Mr. Howard’s not-inconsiderable residence, and such industriousness begged quiet, prompt attention from those members of a society concerned with such interesting happenings.

Alas, Mr. Howard appeared to be somewhat partial to one Miss Alexander, who, unorthodox and unconventional, has unexpectedly captured his attention and perplexed his soul, much to Miss Harrington-Davis’s displeasure and Miss Alexander’s quiet bemusement. For, while Mr. Howard would be an unexpected and not unpleasant addition to Miss Alexander’s life, his conventional and orthodox lifestyle would somewhat hamper Miss Alexander’s preference for an unconventional and unorthodox experience of the world.

Such is the complex setting to a summer evening’s unvoiced deliberations, masquerading beneath the pretext of an informal midsummer’s repast.

While Miss Harrington-Davis holds court with her supporters, gaily running her fingers through her well-teased hair, her tinkling laughter floats softly around the gathering as she ensures that its melody will reach and assuredly enchant Mr. Howard’s musically inclined ears. Miss Alexander, well loved in her own society, is surrounded by confidants who quietly support her supposed candidacy. Unmoved by the silent tempest of wills surrounding her, Miss Alexander, with some restraint, quietly inhales the delicate, fruity notes of an exceptional Indian tea and listens as an acquaintance regales her with tales replete with the antics of a precocious grandchild.

Mr. Howard, meanwhile, somewhat overwhelmed by his confusion, welcomes and sees to the comfort of his guests, ensuring that all are enraptured by the magnanimity of his generous hospitality, and tries to avoid stealing glances at the delightfully unconventional Miss Alexander, as Miss Harrington-Davis’s tinkling laughter becomes a bit louder and her unnaturally gray eyes sparkle with dubious joy.

Maximilian, a chocolate Labrador much beloved by Mr. Howard and self-proclaimed master of this home, lazily enters the gathering, sauntering over to bid Mr. Howard a quiet, canine “good evening,” who himself makes much ado over his furry, four-legged friend. Miss Harrington-Davis, suddenly aware of an unequaled opportunity to endear herself to her host, squeals in a throaty, ladylike manner and rushes across to gush untold enthusiasm over the four-legged wonder. Maximilian, a little surprised at the squealing human, gently disengages himself from her frothy sounds and backs away to peer curiously at her from behind the safety of his owner’s expensively trousered legs.

Miss Alexander, attention caught by the persistent yet escalating squeals, watches as Maximilian seeks the further safety of the fireplace, pausing on his journey to wag his tail gently at the genuine smile she bestows upon him. He, enchanted by this orderly display of affection, gently woofs and takes a detour to venture over for a tickle from this purveyor of quiet dignity.

C
aroline’s
H
umiliation
C
onga

C
ELTICGIRL
13

William’s Journal

Today was very interesting to say the least. Charles, Jane, elizabeth, and I all went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Will and I were about to go into another exhibit when my phone vibrated.

“Caroline?” I asked.

Caroline said, “Is it true? Are Charles and Jane engaged?”?

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess. He was planning on proposing today, but that’s supposed to be a secret. If you want to give them your congratulations, they’re in the Museum of Fine Arts. Probably in the Impressionist section.”?

About ten minutes later, elizabeth and I were checking out the egyptian art exhibition when Caroline walked in to find us, with my arms around elizabeth’s waist.

“Caroline …” I said. “We were just admiring the latest in international art.”?

“I thought you were here to see Charles and Jane,” elizabeth said.

“I already saw them,” Caroline said. “It’s quite shocking, however, to see you here, elizabeth.”

“Why should it be shocking?” Elizabeth said. “I’m his girlfriend!”

“You’re kidding, right?” Caroline said. She looked like she was going to burst into a pillar of flames at any second.

“Uh, he has his arms around my waist,” Elizabeth said. “Can it be any clearer that we’re going out?”?

I chuckled.

“But I thought …” We knew Caroline couldn’t lose her temper in front of everybody in the museum, so I told Elizabeth to let me talk to Caroline privately. I led her to another part of the museum. Caroline began her ramble as soon as Elizabeth was out of earshot. “William, surely you two are playing some prank on me like you did in March. You are the springtime I dreamed of so desperate during the cold winter chills. Contempt, farewell! And maiden pride, adieu! No glory lives behind the back of such. I will requite thee, William, and my feelings will not be repressed. I love you. Most ardently.”?

It was all I could do not to laugh. Not only did she take a quote from my favorite play completely out of context, but it seems like her knowledge of
Pride and Prejudice
extended only to the keira knightley movie.

I replied, “You are too hasty, Miss. You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliments you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honor of your proposal, but I have no choice but to decline it.” I looked to Elizabeth who was recording all this on her video phone.

“William, I don’t understand. I’m so much better than this chit is. I graduated from one of the top-ranked high schools in California with honors. I’ve already graduated from UCLA cum laude with a degree in liberal arts. I’m in grad school to get my MBA, and if nothing else, I have better cars than her. She, on the other hand, cusses too much, has no job offers or even a real job, a dysfunctional family, no style, and a pickup truck, which she shares with her sister. Besides all that, think about what everyone in your social circle would say if you married a redneck.”?

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve said enough, Caroline. You’ve insulted Elizabeth and me in every possible manner. Elizabeth is my girlfriend. I never liked you in the way you wanted me to because you’re too much of a kiss-up and a wannabe. Now please go home and never bug me about elizabeth again or I’ll tell certain CEOs about your rudeness.”?

I almost felt sorry for her until she screamed that I’d be crawling back for her and that Elizabeth would be sorry. Elizabeth posted the video on Youtube the next day to the delight of our fellow coworkers. Needless to say, Caroline won’t be invited to Charles and Jane’s wedding.

W
illoughby’s
B
oogie
N
ights