Bad Girls Don't Die (13 page)

“I’m fine,” I said.

He just looked at me and shook his head. “No you’re not.”

That made me laugh, but laughing made tears spring to my eyes. “I know,” I said.

He didn’t say anything else. He held his hand out like I should take it.

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I think I’m losing my mind.”

He looked at the sky and then at the ground. “I understand,” he said.

And then I was engulfed in his arms and his smell, laundry detergent and shampoo and all that was clean. I closed my eyes and leaned against him and let everything go.

H
E TWIRLED A TWIG BETWEEN HIS FINGER AND THUMB.

“First of all,” he said slowly, “I’ve known crazy people, and I don’t think you’re crazy.” Then he sat up straighter. “I mean, your sister sounds like she’s got some issues, but I just don’t see it in you.”

“Maybe I’m the secret kind of crazy,” I said softly. “The kind where you keep it to yourself and then one day you just go off the deep end.”

Carter took a deep breath. “I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed and tossed the twig away. It landed in the water with a soft splash. We were sitting in the grass near the drainage canal at the park, which isn’t as ugly as it sounds. It looks more like a little bubbling brook.

“You’re . . .
strong
.”

“Strong people can’t be crazy?”

He smirked and ducked his head. “Strong people don’t just go off the deep end one day. That territory belongs to the weak.”

Oh.

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself,” I said.

He shook his head but didn’t look at me.

“Sometimes life really blows,” I said.

“Yeah,” Carter said. “Sometimes it does. For everybody, and most people can cope. But not . . .” He sucked in air through his teeth and stared into the sun. “Not me.”

“But why beat yourself up? Who cares if you . . . ? I mean, who could possibly dislike someone just for going through something like . . .”

“You can say it, Alexis. It was a suicide attempt.” He looked right into my eyes and then cocked his head to one side. “A botched one.”

I turned back to the water and worked on braiding pine needles together, but finally my curiosity got the better of me. “. . . What’d you do?”

He lay back in the grass, keeping a wary eye on me, like a shy dog.

“Never mind,” I said. “Sorry, not my business.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just not used to talking about it.” He held his arm out to me. “Ever wonder why I only wear long sleeves?”

I took his forearm in my hands and pushed his sleeve back, revealing a crisscrossed etching of scars.

“My mom came home early from a conference and found me,” he said. “We had to redo the tile in the bathroom because the bloodstains wouldn’t come out.”

Without thinking about it, I hugged his arm close to me.

A second later I realized what I was doing and dropped it like a hot potato.

He laughed, a slow, easy laugh. The Carter laugh.

I just couldn’t see how someone so graceful, so clever, could ever be so depressed.

I looked down at the ditch and sighed.

“How can you be so perfect all the time?” I said without thinking.

Carter looked at me in surprise and took a second to answer.

“Perfect?” he repeated. “Ha.”

I didn’t say anything. I was paralyzed by regretful shock over what I’d just said.

“Miss Vahrren,”
he said in a German psychiatrist accent,
“I’m ahfrait you ah delusional.”

“Delusional,” I repeated. Sounded about right, given the events of the past day. But I pushed that out of my mind and concentrated on Carter. The fact that he hadn’t laughed in my face made me bolder. “So then . . . what are your flaws?”

“What are my flaws? I have to
list
them?” He laughed ruefully and shook his head. “That’s hardly fair. What are
your
flaws?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, my whole existence is one big flaw,” I said, lying back on the grass next to him and staring up at the sky. “I am a giant pimple on the face of humanity.”

“That’s kind of gross,” he answered.

“At least I’m honest.”

“That’s not honest,” he said. “That’s paranoid and” —he thought for a second—“very pessimistic.”

“Paranoid, pessimistic,” I said, ticking them off on my fingers. “And gross. That’s three. The tip of my flaw iceberg.”

“I’m not calling you paranoid—”

“Just the things I say?”

He batted at my arm. “Maybe you
are
crazy,” he said, but his tiny smile made my whole body tingle.

“Flaws,” I said, all business. “Yours. List them.”

“I’m a snob,” he said easily.

“About what?”

“Oh, lots of things. Movies, books, school plays, people from the country.”

“Which country?”

“
The
country. Like, farmers.” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t even know why.”

Oh, duh. Alexis’s flaw number four: stupid. “What else?”

He hesitated. “I don’t get along with my father,” he said.

I could understand that one. I stared at a fluffy white cloud, waiting for a shape to pop out at me.

“I spend too much time thinking about myself. I blow things out of proportion. I’ve done very selfish things . . . and I’m not . . . brave.” He squinted into the sunlight and gave me a wry smile.

“Stop.” I turned my eyes away from what could have become a cloud alligator to look at Carter.

Somehow during our conversation we’d moved toward each other. Our arms were touching. My skin felt electric.

There was definitely more to Carter than his preppy exterior.

“I hope you don’t really see yourself that way,” I said.

He turned to look at me and narrowed his eyes. “How do you see me?” he said softly.

I gave him a gentle shove. “You don’t want to know.”

He waited.

“I think you’re . . .” My voice went nearly silent. “Dangerous.”

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because,” I said, though I had no idea how to put it in words. “. . . You make me think too much.”

Now he had turned his whole body to face me. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”

I felt an urgent, almost magnetic pull between us. It made my throat feel dry and airy.

“This is so weird,” I said, but it came out as a whisper.

He studied my face for a moment and then smiled.

Oh God, was it obvious that my heart was pounding? It was like those scenes in movies where the girl thinks the guy’s going to kiss her, so she closes her eyes and puckers up. Except I wasn’t just puckering my lips— I was puckering my whole soul.

“I can’t help it, Alexis,” he said. “I want to make you think too much . . . and then I want to hear the things you’ve been thinking . . . too much.”

I was lying down, but that made me dizzy. This was
all
too much. I felt myself start to blush, so I raised my arm, intending to cover my face.

Carter grabbed my hand and held it.

Our eyes locked together. “You aren’t the person you try to make people think you are,” he said, sounding as though this had just dawned on him. “I feel . . .
safe
. . . when I talk to you.”

My heart could have exploded.

“Lexi.”

I grabbed my hand away and sat up as fast as I could. Carter sat up too, and raked his fingers through his hair.

Five feet away, still and wordless as a statue, was Kasey.

“Is something wrong with Dad?” I asked.

She shook her head. Then her gaze moved from me to Carter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Kase . . . you remember Carter,” I said. Carter stood up and held his hand out to me. He pulled me to my feet and didn’t let go.

“It’s getting late,” Kasey said. She scowled, noticing our joined hands.

“Did Mom send you?”

“No.”

Anger rose up in me like a tidal wave. “Go home, Kasey. I’ll be there soon.”

“I’m hungry,” she said calmly.

“So cook something.”

“You’d rather be with him than with me?” she said, her voice small and hurt. “I’m your sister.”

Carter turned and touched my shoulder. “Go on,” he said. “We can continue this another time.”

I shook my head, more out of disbelief than protest. I could have strangled Kasey.

“Do you want me to drive you?” Carter asked.

“Thanks, but we’ll walk,” I said. I couldn’t risk exposing the only good thing in my life to my sister. What if she started talking crazy in the car? Stories, dolls, stealing stuff from school . . . Oh, maybe she’d steal something from Carter. That would be just fantastic.

I turned to Carter and felt a smile fight its way onto my lips.

“Walk carefully,” he said lightly. Then he bent down and kissed me on the cheek. “That’s for the nice things you said.”

“I didn’t even—”

“Can we go?” Kasey interrupted. “Walking home is going to take forever.”

I don’t care if she’s totally lost it, I thought. I’m going to murder her.

“Bye,” I said. Kasey had started walking away.

“Good to see you again, Kasey,” Carter called.

I looked at Kasey to see what she would do. She turned and glared at me, not even glancing at Carter.

Nice.

I ignored her the whole walk home. I was done trying to help her if she wasn’t going to try to help herself.

After making a sandwich, I went straight upstairs and locked myself in my bedroom with the stereo turned way up.

A half hour later, I heard Mom’s voice from the hall.

“Alexis?” she called. “Are you all right? Why is your music so loud?”

I went to the door and opened it, then went back and sat on my bed. She wandered in and sat next to me.

I switched off the music. “How’s Dad?”

“He’s fine,” she said. “Maybe you can stop by after school tomorrow.”

“I’ll try.”

“Are you feeling sick?” she asked, and put her wrist against my forehead. She drew back in surprise. “You have a goose egg.”

“I know,” I said. “Someone knocked me down at school yesterday.” Seeing the concerned look on her face, I added, “Not on purpose. With a door.”

Her brow wrinkled the way it does when she’s worried. “They didn’t call me.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” I said, and thinking of Carter made me smile.

“Okay,” Mom said, apparently not interested in the details. “Let me know if you want something for it. You don’t have a fever.”

“I think I’ll lie down.”

“All right, honey,” she said. It sounded so alien to hear her say something momlike. She stood up and awkwardly touched my forehead. Then she looked around my room. “You’re so tidy,” she said approvingly. “You must have gotten it from your father. Certainly not from me.”

True. She’s pretty sloppy for a mom.

Her eyes stopped on the bookshelves. “What’s wrong with your yearbooks?” she asked.

I looked at the shelf where all of my school yearbooks, from kindergarten up, are stored. The last one, my freshman yearbook, was missing, causing the whole row to lean at an annoying angle.

“One’s gone,” I said. Odd. My thoughts flashed to Kasey.

“It’s not lost, is it?” I almost heard an accusation in Mom’s voice—like I’d sold it for drug money or something.

“Well, technically,” I said. “But I’m sure it’ll turn up.”

She sighed. “Those things cost a fortune.”

Just as I was about to reply, a cell phone ring blared from across the hallway, and Mom sprang up off the bed.

“I’ll be right back,” she said.

I sighed and leaned back, hugging a pillow to my chest and closing my eyes.

A couple of minutes later Mom came out of her bedroom saying, “Okay . . . oh . . . thank you . . . yes . . . okay . . . yes, please do . . .”

She clapped the phone shut. Then she looked at me, but her eyes were unfocused.

“What?” I asked.

“That was a detective from the police department,” she said, fluttering her hands in the air. “He said they have reason to suspect foul play . . . They looked at the car’s brakes, and the wires had been . . . It looked as if they’d been
cut
.”

I sat straight up. “Someone sabotaged Dad’s car?”

“Yes, but . . .” She shook her head and lowered herself onto the mattress. “No, Alexis . . . not
his
car—
mine
. He was going to drop it off to get my oil changed.”

I sat back against the headboard and looked at Mom, who was just staring down at the carpet.

“Oh my goodness,” she said, her voice shaky. “Listen, don’t tell Kasey about this. It would be too much for her.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sure.”

Mom touched my forehead gently before standing up and making her way out into the hall, dazed.

Thinking about Kasey made me think about the reports in her backpack.

Was it possible that the same kids who did that somehow came to my house and did this? Decided to pull a prank on our parents? If Mimi was mad enough about her arm, maybe she put part of the blame on Mom. . . .

But that would be, like,
attempted murder
. Even the most obnoxious eighth grader wouldn’t try to kill someone else’s mother.