Bad Girls Good Women (29 page)

‘Poor Felix,’ Julia said bleakly. She couldn’t help thinking,
Poor me. Now there’s only me left. Of course there won’t be any family. Jessie’s dead, and Mattie’s gone. And now Felix will go too
.

Felix heard her, as clearly as if she had spoken the words aloud. ‘I’ll survive,’ he said gently, ‘and so will you. You’re better equipped for it than any of us. Look at you. You’re clever, much cleverer than Mattie and me. You see things clearly, and you feel them more strongly. That makes it hard for you. But you’re brave, and you’re determined as well. You must be, or you wouldn’t have got even this far.’

I’d still be in Fairmile Road
, Julia thought.
Perhaps that would have been better
. But she answered herself,
No, it wouldn’t. Whatever happens is better than that
. She felt Felix’s fingers brush her cheek, and then stroke her hair.

‘And you’re beautiful, you know. That always helps.’

‘Does it?’

He had told her that she was beautiful in that ugly moment afterwards. Fending her off with assurances. Once again the questions quivered between them, but neither of them spoke. Julia understood that they would never be asked now. So close, but no closer.

‘Yes, it does,’ Felix said firmly.

‘Can I stay in the flat?’

‘Of course you can. I don’t suppose old Mr Bull will pitch us out, for Jessie’s sake. You could always share with someone, if Mattie isn’t here, to help with me rent.’

‘Oh yes,’ Julia said. ‘I could always do that.’

There didn’t seem to be anything else to add. She reached up and clicked on the light. She saw Felix’s coffee skin and her own, touching it. In the light it was somehow shocking and she sat up abruptly. Looking down at the space between them she saw a thin smear of blood.

She had wanted the first time to be with Josh. She had planned it, dreamed it. Instead it had been here, on this sad night with its secrets and empty spaces. What was it Mattie had said?
It was all right
, that was it. Only it wasn’t all right. Julia didn’t want to cry again. She swung her legs out of bed and stood up, holding her discarded jumper against herself. Felix’s hand caught her wrist and held her. She looked down and saw his black eyes, fixed on her.

‘Stay here,’ he whispered. ‘Sleep here with me. Just for tonight.’

She smiled at him then, an awkward, crooked smile. ‘I’ll come back,’ she promised.

She went across to the bathroom. It smelt threateningly damp from where the water had washed under the floorboards and into the joists.

Julia stood in front of the mirror for a long time. She rubbed cream into her face and brushed her hair until it crackled with static. She cleaned her teeth, then took her nightdress off the hook behind the door and put it on.

She stared solemnly at her reflection in the mirror. She told herself,
You will have to make your life for yourself. You can. Felix believes it, too. You can’t expect anyone else to help you, because they have to help themselves. Mattie. Felix. Josh. Betty and Vernon, even. That’s the truth, isn’t it?
She had almost turned away, but she added,
If what you want is Josh Flood, he won’t come to you. You will have to go to him. That’s also the truth
.

She went back to Felix’s room and she was smiling properly now. He smiled back at her and lifted the covers. She lay down beside him and he fitted himself neatly against the curve of her back. It was comforting to have him there. She felt that she had reached the end of a complicated journey.

‘Thank you,’ Felix said, with his mouth against her ear. And then, ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ Julia answered.

They fell asleep together, the first and last time.

Nine

There was the cottage, in the angle of the wood. Julia stood with the frosty grass crackling under her feet and looked at the lights in the windows. It had taken her almost a month to decide to come. In the end she had left the square on impulse, caught a train to the country station, and walked from there along the icy lanes. It was almost dark, and she had fixed all her attention on finding the way. Only when she saw the lights did she wonder what she would have done if there had been no one there.

She wrapped her coat tighter around her and ran the last few yards. She knocked so hard on the door that her knuckles stung.

Josh opened it. Yellow light spilled out from behind him and lit up her face.

‘I’m here,’ she said unnecessarily. ‘Can I come in?’

Josh laughed, and his breath sent up a smoky plume between them.

‘Julia, Julia. Yes, you’d better come in.’

Across the room behind him Julia saw two pairs of skis propped against the wall, ski poles and heavy laced boots, a scatter of other equipment she didn’t recognise. Josh was busy. Now that she was here, she was suddenly furiously angry.

‘Why haven’t you been to see me? Do you think I don’t matter? That you can appear and disappear, just as you like?’ The words hurt her throat as they came out.

He stared at her then. Julia’s eyes glittered and her cheeks were reddened by the cold.

Slowly, he said, ‘No, I don’t think you don’t matter.’

Julia stared at the long, sharp blades of the skis and her taut shoulders suddenly dropped. In a different voice she said, ‘I suppose I shouldn’t have come here. Girls don’t do things like that, do they? But I wanted to see you so much, and I didn’t think you’d ever come, so what else could I do? I know you think I’m too young. I came to tell you I’m not. I’m old enough to know my own mind.’

Her face was turned away from him, her eyes still fixed on his skis. Gently, Josh held out his hand. She ignored it, and he fitted his fingers around her wrist. ‘I think you do know your own mind,’ he whispered. ‘The question is, whether I know mine.’

She turned to look at him then. They watched each other, wary.

Josh was thinking that ten minutes ago, with his Long Lanyard ski bindings and his new Subito boots, everything had been simple. It wasn’t simple now, and it would grow steadily more complicated. All the risks that he had sensed and shied away from in Julia Smith were intensified now, and Josh was elated to realise that he didn’t care. He looked at Julia’s rosy cheeks and burning eyes. It was right that she was here. Better than right, much, much better. It was perfect.

‘You know I love you,’ Julia said.

Josh took her other hand. ‘I think I must love you too. Just a bit. A little, tiny bit.’

She jerked her chin up. ‘That’s enough. To begin with, of course.’

He pulled her closer and kissed her. She smelt of cold air, clean and delicious. He wanted to go on smelling and tasting her, but Julia drew away from him.

‘Are you going away?’ She pointed at the ski gear and an open canvas grip on the floor.

He nodded. ‘Into the Inferno.’

Julia rounded on him. ‘Don’t talk in riddles. I was plain and honest with you, wasn’t I?’

Josh laughed, still holding her hands in his. Julia was completely and beguilingly unlike any of the other women he knew. He admired her sharpness.
He really did love her
, he thought.
Perhaps even more than a little bit
.

‘It wasn’t a riddle. The Inferno is a ski race. In Mürren, Switzerland. Next Sunday.’

Switzerland. Saw-toothed mountains against the blue sky, and Josh. Julia remembered the square, and her fear of the silence that would choke it as soon as Felix left. And her typewriter, crouching under its black hood, waiting to recapture her on Monday morning.

She didn’t hesitate any longer. ‘Take me with you,’ she begged him.

With anyone else, Josh would have snorted with laughter. No one took any diversions to the Inferno, he would have said. But simple responses like that had slipped out of his reach now. He sighed.

‘Yes, you can come with me,’ Josh said. ‘We leave on Wednesday morning.’

He saw the delight and disbelief leap together in her face, and he thought how lovely she was. It would be his pleasure to show her the mountains.

‘I’ll be ready,’ she promised him.

‘What about your work?’

‘There are thousands of jobs,’ Julia answered. ‘But only one chance to do this.’

At last, she thought. She was in motion too.
You have to make a life for yourself
.

‘I haven’t got very much money,’ she said awkwardly. Just a bit, that I’ve saved. How much will I need?’

‘Oh Jesus, I’m not a millionaire,’ Josh groaned, ‘but I guess you can come along at my expense.’

She smiled at him, a brilliant smile. ‘Thank you.’

They went to the timbered pub for a celebratory drink, and afterwards Julia insisted on being driven to the station in the black MG. Josh protested, but she was adamant that she wouldn’t stay. Julia was intrigued to discover that suddenly she wielded power too.

‘Wednesday morning,’ she beamed at him, and reluctantly he let her go.

On Thursday morning they were in Switzerland.

At the little station at Lauterbrunnen Julia gazed upwards. The peaks of the Bernese Oberland reared massively into the sky. In the course of the long train journey the world had lost its familiar shades of earth and mud and winter grass and had turned monochrome. Everything here was spidery black, or grey, or glittering white, and the air tasted thin and sharp.

She waited quietly, breathing it in.

Josh was across the platform beside the mountain train. He was tenderly stowing his ski bag into a little open wagon already bristling with skis. If he could have slept with them beside him in the couchette berth last night, Julia thought with amusement, he would gladly have done so. Since yesterday morning she had discovered that she was as bad a traveller as Josh was a good one. As the boat train rumbled across the river from Victoria Station and into the shadow of Battersea Power Station Julia had delightedly told Josh, ‘This is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me.’

He had grinned back and drawled, ‘Wait till you see the Inferno.’

But in the long progress over the Channel and across France impatience had replaced the first exhilaration. She paced up and down the corridor, anxious for the new experience to begin now, at once, while Josh dozed in his corner seat. She stared at him, baffled. The train slowed and stopped in the middle of a wide, empty field. Josh opened one eye to look at her. ‘Relax,’ he murmured.

But Julia lay awake for most of the night in her couchette berth, listening to Josh and the other passengers breathing through the unhypnotic rattle of the wheels. And now they were almost there.

Josh turned and hoisted the rest of their bags into the train. ‘Let’s go,’ he called to her.

They climbed in and skiers in knitted caps and nylon anoraks crowded in after them. The train jerked forward, nosing the ski wagon ahead of it. It reared upwards, climbing at a sharp angle.

Julia leaned forward, pressing her face against the window. Black-limbed trees poked up out of folds and curls of snow along the track. The trees slid past and fell away behind them. Julia watched mesmerised, only half hearing the babble of French and German around her. The train climbed on, higher and higher.

As it shuddered to a halt at the upper station the sun came out. Black and white changed instantly to blue and silver. Julia looked up, through air that seemed to glitter with crystalline specks, and saw the Eiger pointing over her. She stumbled down the steps of the train into the snow.

‘Wengen,’ Josh announced unnecessarily.

Julia looked at the little wooden houses, each with its three-cornered hat of snow. It was like a toy village handed to a child. She thought she had never seen anywhere so pretty, or so unreal. It was enchanting to have arrived here, of all places, with Josh.

Julia’s everlasting memory of her first days in Wengen was of being wrong, conclusively wrong in the big things and on, down to the smallest detail. Her appearance was wrong, her voice and her manners were wrong, her clothes and her opinions and her inability to ski were laughable, but most unforgivable of all was the fact that she was with Joshua Flood.

Frau Uberl was a square, motherly Swiss widow who ran her chalet as an informal guesthouse for English girls race-training with the British-run Downhill Only Club. Frau Uberl and a flinty Scots matron inappropriately named Joy chaperoned the girls between them. On that first morning Frau Uberl showed Julia to her bed in a wooden-floored four-bedded room under the sloping eaves. The window looked over its balcony to the Eiger. Julia wanted to rush across and fling it open to gulp in the air and the view, but her room-mates were eyeing her suspiciously. They had names like Belinda and Sophia, and they wore thick patterned jumpers that clung to their bosoms, and tight Helanca ski-pants. Julia noticed that they all had enormous bottoms and she told herself in an effort at superiority that she wouldn’t wear pants like that if she was half their size.

Belinda perched on the end of Julia’s bed to watch her unpack. Out came the silk blouses and tweed jackets from Brick Lane, home-made evening dresses and Jessie’s scarlet kimono, her adored jet jewellery. Julia picked up the long earrings and fixed them in her ears, tossing her head to make them swing.

There was nudging and muffled giggling behind her back.
If only Mattie was here
, she thought grimly.

She turned round sharply and caught them at it. The youngest pinched her nose to stop the laughter exploding.

‘I don’t ski, you know,’ Julia said loftily, to forestall them. ‘I’ve only come out here to see Josh win the Inferno.’

That silenced them for a moment, but Sophia announced, ‘He won’t win, of course. He’s only an amateur, even though he’s pretty good. Really good, actually, for an American. He might scrape in tenth or twelfth, if he skis brilliantly. What was his place last year, Bel? Twentieth?’

Julia shrugged, and went back to unpacking. She knew they wouldn’t be able to resist asking, and sure enough Belinda was the one who came out with it. ‘How long have you known Josh?’ ‘Oh, months now. Let’s see. He took me flying for the first time in the autumn … yes, it’s ages. It’s getting quite serious, I’m afraid.’ She laughed apologetically. They stared at her enviously.