Bad Habits (17 page)

I looked at Miss December and said, “I can finally see your spirit and it’s beautiful. You’re not the cunt I thought you were at all.”

She smiled back.

“That is so nice of you! Thank you so much.”

While we continued to talk about how much we loved each other, I noticed we were all rubbing each other’s heads, giving intense skull massages. It felt freaking awesome.

The moon was full and the air was warm as we continued riding our head-rubbing train with limbs entangled, sitting waist-deep in the ocean.

Waves of deep sensory stimulations went through my body. It was incredibly intense. So much so that we all began to express our love for one another by making out with each other. It was beyond ridiculous, but we were no longer in control of our actions.

I looked around and I saw our hot surfer man standing about fifty feet away from us with his mouth hanging open.

I can only imagine the shock he was in seeing that he was the only man on the beach with fourteen really fucked-up Playmates who just happened to also be making out with each other.

Once that initial wave of sexual intensity calmed down, we tried to focus, but our eyeballs kept wanting to flip back into our heads.

Surfer man started to approach us, but the look on his face had changed from shocked hotness to Hannibal Lecter.

I whispered to the girls through my chattering teeth, “Hey, you guys, he’s walking toward us and I think he wants to eat us for dinner.”

“Holy shit. It’s true!” cried Miss December. “He has forks in his eyes!”

All the girls looked at him and moved in closer to form a tight cuddle puddle. “Hey, beautiful ladies, you’re looking delicious.”

I’m sure he meant nothing by his comment, but one can’t be so sure when you’re on drugs on a deserted beach with a stranger, so I thought I would lead the group with my response. “Run!”

I had no idea where I was going, but all the girls seemed to be following me. Once I thought we were far enough away, I jumped behind a big bush. (No, it wasn’t Miss December’s.) All I knew was that if we took five hits of E, we were probably in for many more, bigger waves of this shit.

I sat up and tried to give the girls a pep talk for the sake of our survival. “You guys, um, we’re fucked,” I said. It wasn’t exactly the pep talk I was hoping for. Just then I noticed that we weren’t wearing anything. “Um, and we’re fucking naked.”

“No, I’m wearing a bikini,” said Miss November.

“Um, no, you’re not. You’re hallucinating.”

Miss February chattered, “What the hell do we do now?” They all looked at me like I was the sober, logical one, when in fact I was the sole cause of the paranoid state everyone was in.

Miss May said, “Let’s just walk to the nearest freeway and get help.”

I responded, “Um, no, let’s not. We’re fucking naked. Let’s just try to sneak back to the beach and get our clothes.”

With that, another wave of Ecstasy hit.

I found myself holding a tree to brace myself. The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. I noticed I was moaning loudly, which snapped me back to reality. I was shocked when I realized I wasn’t rubbing on a tree—I was rubbing on Miss June!

“Holy shit, I’m sorry. I thought you were a tree.”

Then Miss June walked up behind me and said, “Who are you talking to?”

I looked back. It
was
a tree I was humping.

“Fuck,” I said. “I am fucked up, you guys.”

I looked around at the other girls, who were either spinning in circles or also humping trees. “Come on, let’s keep going.”

This must have been an act of God to punish me. I heard a chanting voice breathing down my neck.

“Bimbos in limbo.”

I wondered how many bugs we were walking on with our bare feet. I was still the leader of the idiots, so I was doing my best to try to stay calm. Just then, I froze in my tracks when I noticed a man wearing pioneer clothing from the nineteenth century standing in front of me, holding a bouncing baby up to me.

One of the Playmates said, “Why did you stop?”

I whispered, “There’s a guy from the 1800s holding up his baby to me right now. I think he wants me to take his baby.”

Miss December looked at me like I was fucking crazy.

“Listen, bitch, there is a guy standing here looking like he was shipwrecked or something and I think he wants me to rescue his kid.”

Miss September shouted to the other girls, “You guys, Jenny is really, really fucked up. I think we need to help her.”

“Jenny, there is nothing there.”

All the girls joined me and we stood there in silence until I heard Miss March yell, “Holy shit, there is a guy standing there holding his baby to us.”

Suddenly, they were all seeing the man with the same exact description.

Miss July shouted, “The baby is wearing a white dress!”

Then I knew we were all seeing the same freaking thing.

Miss December asked, “Should we try to talk to it?”

“They’re dead,” I said.

“Well, if they’re dead, why is he holding his baby up to us?”

“I don’t know. Maybe tell them to go to the light or something.”

“Go to the light! Go to the light!” she shouted. “You would think his arms would be tired from holding the baby up so long.”

“Let’s just go,” I said. “I’m so freaked out.” We all began to walk away when suddenly we were surrounded by about sixty different kinds of dead people.

“What the fuck is happening?” shouted Miss June.

I responded, “Um, you guys are seeing this too, right?”

“Yes!” they all shouted. All the dead people looked as if they had been shipwrecked.

Now imagine fourteen Playmates holding on to one another for dear life walking naked through a Hawaiian jungle. “You guys, I’m sure we’re almost done tripping our balls off.” I was trying to calm them down. “I feel like we’ve been on this for fifteen hours.”

One of the girls looked at her watch and said, “It’s been only twenty minutes.”

“What?!” I shouted.

I couldn’t even imagine what would happen to us two hours from then when in twenty minutes I had had sex with a tree and was seeing dead people.

I figured if we just kept walking, we were bound to walk into something. And something was exactly what we walked into. Something really, really bad and totally fucking insane.

Slowly, we lifted our heads to take in the sight that stood before us.

Standing in front of us was a fifty-foot Grim Reaper.

I wondered, “Did we die in the bush back there, or did Hannibal kill us on the beach? Is that why we’re seeing dead people, because we’re part of them?”

Miss December whispered, “I think I just peed.”

Miss July responded, “No, I just peed on you. I’m so scared.”

I looked over at my friends to grab one of their hands and run for it but saw them lying lifeless sprawled all over the beach.

I rubbed my eyes and opened them. This time, to my horror, their limbs were detached and strewn all over the beach, legs sticking up in the sand and boobs floating in the ocean.

I rubbed my eyes again and my friends ran past me at full speed, screaming for their lives, boobs jiggling everywhere. It was starting to feel like a National Lampoon version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”

I was still frozen. I stood dead-on face-to-face with this fucking crazy thing. I remember thinking,
It’s obviously dark and evil, so the best thing I can do is scream the Our Father prayer
.

I immediately started to scream the Our Father as loud as I could and with the strongest belief in God I could muster to make this thing go away. About halfway through the prayer, poof, it was gone.

And so were my friends.

The two issues I was having at this point were insane dehydration and the man with his baby still fucking following me. I kept turning around and yelling, “Go to the light!”

If you thought my basement was scary, this shit in the jungle was epic. I couldn’t wait to tell JoJo!

When I got to the beach, a few girls were there sitting by the water still holding on to each other and another two were scissoring. I was able to see now and they all looked pretty awful, like they had stumbled home from a monthlong walk of shame and were out of their minds.

“Where is Hannibal Lecter?” I asked.

“We have no idea.”

I sat down next to them, and when I turned my head to the right, I realized a chubby Hawaiian ghost was sitting right next to me.

“Do you guys see this chubby Hawaiian guy sitting next to me right now?”

They leaned forward and looked.

“Yup.”

He didn’t seem to be bothering us, so I let him sit next to me. But when the dead guy holding his baby showed up on the beach again, I had just about had it. I stood up, trying to balance with my legs crossed and my hands covering my nipples. The other girls became self-aware and immediately crossed their legs and cupped their boobs too.

Miss June fell over, tits up.

“Dude, we are cracked out of our minds, so please stop looking at us like that and stop holding up your baby to us like we are supposed to do something with it. Go to the light like Carol Anne did.”

The dead guy holding the baby still wouldn’t leave.

“Let’s try to get back to our hotel. It’s only a matter of time before every dead ghost on this island finds us, and I don’t think I can handle the Grim Reaper again.”

Miss December then shouted out her brilliant idea. “What if we waved down a boat to take us back to the United States?”

After we walked for what felt like four hours but turned out to be ten minutes, I saw what looked like a street next to the beach up ahead.

Miss February walked over to it and touched it. “It feels like a street.”

“Thank God, it’s a street! Let’s follow the road because all the hotels are pretty much on one street.”

Just as we were about to transition into a new setting (meaning the street), another wave of E hit us, causing all of us to lie down immediately.

I was looking up into the sky, thinking now about how fucking amazing I felt. I couldn’t stop chewing on my cheeks for some reason. It felt so good.

The stars looked like they were right in front of me. Just as I thought I actually might touch a star, dead man holding the baby blocked my view.

“Aw, dude, please. Just fuck off. Or go follow Miss June. I think she likes you.”

I tried to tune in to my third eye to see if he was trying to telepathically say anything. All I picked up was “Please take my baby.”

If ghosts are real, then this was pretty sad. I’m not sure why he didn’t go to the light with his baby when he died, but he was really barking up the wrong set of trees with this group.

Even though we all felt as if we had lost the ability to stand, I knew we had to keep moving. We all held on to one another as we made our way down the street.

Then Miss June grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. “Look, I have knees!” she said, pointing at them.

“Oh my God, so do I. But mine can’t move,” Miss July said with a surprised look as she lifted her stiff leg to demonstrate her disability.

“We all have knees, you moron,” said Miss December as she kicked the back of Miss July’s legs, causing them to bend.

I guessed that Miss December was the most sober because I was just about to join in on the knee discovery myself.

As we walked, all the girls, including myself, after regaining the ability to use our legs (and knees, apparently), suddenly lost the ability to speak. We couldn’t form a sentence if we tried.

Miraculously, though, we made it back to our condo. I don’t know how, but we eventually walked all the way there.

I woke up the next day feeling awful.

To make matters worse, I had chewed the insides of my mouth so bad that I had about seventeen canker sores, and when I got home, my boyfriend thought I had acquired an STD.

I was so completely freaked out by this experience that I had trouble sleeping alone for years.

Even today, as I type this book in my dark bedroom, I can’t help but think that maybe the dead man holding the baby is standing next to me.

Eek! Go to the light!