Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon (5 page)

The Duke of
Notellingew knocked at the door of the queen's bedchamber and
waited patiently. Orla answered with caution.

"What is it
now? What do you want?" she snapped.

"I was told
that I was to be allowed an audience with the queen!" boomed
Notellingew.

"What does she
need an entire audience for?! She only wants to speak with you on
your own!"

"Well, yes,
that will do, woman. It's merely a figure of speech, in any
case."

"I don't give
two hoots what sort of cases you've been poking about in, just come
through quickly, have your say and be swift about it!"

The
disgruntled duke bent forwards and entered the inner chamber.

"Your majesty!
It is such a delight to see you, and I must say how regal you are
looking today. Madam, please hear me out, for I must press you for
a personal favour."

"Don't you
dare go laying your hands anywhere near me or I'll scream! I've
heard all about your fixations with irons and trousers, and I don't
mind telling you I don't like the sound of it one bit!"

"It was merely
a figure of speech, Your Highness."

"Well, don't
you try anything, right? Or I'll have my Trebla on you! What is it,
anyway?"

"I must humbly
enquire whether you could see fit to replace some of your current
chamberpots with a number of new, ahem, implements that would be
seen as a more balanced approach to your ablutionary activities in
the political, and indeed potty-based, sphere."

"Well I never!
The very cheek of it!"

"Both cheeks,
invariably, Your Imperious Majestical One."

"Don't go
giving me orders about where I should park my regal posterior! I'm
the one who gives the go ahead for what constitutes the royal flush
round here, and nobody else!"

"It would be
seen by the general populace as a sign of goodwill to them and the
government that stands in their name."

"Oh, pooh to
the people! They can go wash themselves down the drain for all I
care!"

"I'll take
that as a no then. Mr Leep will be rather displeased, but be that
as it may, you are the regent, whatever you say must stand, or sit,
depending on what you're up to, or down to."

"Exactly."

- § - § - § - § - §
-

Trebor Leep
was infuriated by the Queen's snooty response, but not entirely
surprised.

"Well,
Notellingew, I could well foresee this eventuality, which is why I
had another little scheme tucked neatly up my sleeve."

"A dirty
handkerchief? Do you want to stifle her with it?"

"No, you
imbecilic buffoon and dunderhead! I mean I have an idea! A crafty
scheme! These new chamberpots that I have had my men design are no
ordinary chamberpots. Oh no, indeed! They're a great deal more
complicated. They perform all the necessary requirements for you,
including the wiping and the finishing off, and can be programmed
to administer all manner of other functions, one of which is to
install themselves in a household and cleanse the entire
surroundings of 'unwanted' materials, which we can of course select
as being the opposing chamberpots, or other unwanted items!"

"Ah ha! You
shuddering old renegade, you! This way you can slyly infiltrate the
royal influence without anybody ever finding out!"

"Exactly!
Cheers, old bean!"

"Odg save the
queen - because we certainly won't!"

- § - § - § - § - §
-

At the
allotted hour, on the allotted day, in the allotted place, a lot
was about to happen. Leep had prepared his self-propelling
chamberpots to rise up and overthrow the existing bedpans that were
in place in the palace, thereby controlling the seat of power. His
compatriot Notellingew had issued him with instructions on how to
reach the queen's central chamber, and given him some brief
military advice should a standing, or indeed sitting, battle
ensue.

"We'll wipe
the floor with these wet water closets!" jeered Leep, readying his
robotic army for release. "On my command, approach! Get ready...
commence!"

The set of
metallic steam-powered machines moved steadily along, rolling and
sliding up the path towards the palace and onwards to the queen's
chamber. At the entrance to the palace they slipped past the
Gooseeater Guards, who were too busy concentrating on marching to
notice the quietly rolling devices slip by.

The
chamberpots wove around the palace corridors, navigating them
according to the plans and dimensions laid down by Lord
Notellingew. As they passed one area, a small, china female
figurine twitched and came to life, following the passing devices
with her swivelling eyes. When they had disappeared from sight, she
rose to her feet mechanically and stomped down the hallway after
them, summoning her companions as she went.

At the
entrance to the queen's bedchamber, a mechanical marionette
standoff took place.

A set of
automated dolls that looked like many previous princesses of the
realm lined the doorway. These mechanised machines marauded through
the royal halls, smashing into one another, pieces and parts
spilling and splintering everywhere. It was complete and utter
carnage, with crankshafts and cogwheels flying in every direction;
some dolls were walking around with no heads and springs popping
out, while the mechanised bedpans got dented and destroyed. Hearing
the appalling noise, the Gooseeater guards had finally been roused
to action. They stormed the passageway, using their large, spiky
pikes to stab at the encroaching devices. Leep's bedpan battlers
advanced, clashing with the throng of china sentinels and
guards.

In the fracas
a few of the dolls chased Vitriolica's mother and hapless assistant
Lord Saveloy to a high turret, where they were locked away, never
to be seen again.

The battle
became even fiercer, the savage dolls destroying bedpan after
bedpan, while the chomping mechanical pans wrenched off arms, legs
and heads from the wretched attackers, causing widespread
destruction. Orla, the queen's maid in waiting, stuck her head out
of the door to see how things were going. In the heat of the
action, it looked as if things were fairly evenly balanced.

"My lady! I
fear that we require some back up, quickly!"

The queen
looked around, and remembered her prized possession, the sinister
clockwork robot that she had created to destroy her father. She
found the ornate key that powered it, wound it up as far as it
would go, and then released it into the pandemonium.

"Make them
pay, my beauty! Make them pay!" she roared at the top of her
voice.

The large
automaton spun and whirred into the thick of the battle, sending
springs and sections of bedpans twirling apart every which way. The
grinding crunch of the spinning saw gouged into the copper
chamberpots, repelling the oncoming troops and staving off the
attack. Finally, the last of Leep's pre-programmed malignant
bedpans lay motionless, one solitary wheel spinning out of
control.

The attackers
were defeated and the rebellion had been quelled. Lord Snydey of
the Ghiws was restored as prime minister, for the time being, at
least and Leep withdrew to the shadows to make further plans. He
took out his aggression on the many servants that he maintained,
orphans taken in from the street to serve him and do his bidding,
which he claimed was an act of charity. What a nice man, when all's
said and done. The queen maintained her position too, quite
rightly, and became even more unbending in her iron will.

- § - § - § - § - §
-

In 1840 there
was a royal wedding, and everybody across the country cheered, as
well as a few impertinent folk who also leered, but you always get
that at those sort of occasions. It was an eminently enjoyable
event for most; the Leepers made certain of that. If you weren't
cheering, you'd be beaten with one of their retractable
truncheonsticks.

The archbishop
of the time, Milliaw Yowley, had written many treatises on
etiquette and manners, which he imbued on Queen Vitriolica, and she
herself enforced them on her people, with a little help from her
new husband, Prince Trebla. It was slightly strange, as if you
looked closely, some might say that Trebla's eyes were made of
nothing but cold glass, and his skin had a soft, metallic sheen to
it, but it was probably nothing.

Everyone had
gone chamber potty, and there was more mechanical madness yet to
come...

~ ~ ~

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6. ______________________________________