Bad Things (Tristan & Danika #1) (51 page)

I gripped him tight against me, and his arms wrapped around me.
 
We didn’t speak for a long time, just clutched each other, and cried like the world was ending, because a sweet, irreplaceable part of it had.
 

When he finally spoke, his voice almost too soft to catch, it broke my heart all over again.

“I told you that I needed you.
 
But now I need you to
survive
.
 
Forever.
 
I won’t live through this without you, and I’m selfish for telling you that, but it’s the truth.
 
You’re my rock, Danika.
 
I can’t ever lose you, or I’ll follow Jared, I know I will.”

The rain was pounding against us, soaking through our clothes, running down our faces, mixing with our tears.
 
I barely noticed.

I bent down, crushing his face into me until I’d reached his ear.
 
“You have me.
 
I’m yours, and I’m not going anywhere, not ever again.”
 

“I’m sorry.
 
I was an ass.
 
It was pure stubborn pride and jealousy that made me go off on you like that.”

“Jealousy?”

“Yes.
 
Jealousy.
 
So much of it that I have dreams about pounding what’s his name and skinny jean’s into the dirt.
 
I hated that you had a word for
this
.
 
A word made cheap by using it on other men, and then throwing it in my face, like that should convince me to say it back.
 
I don’t have a word for
this
, because I’ve never felt
this
before.
 
But I do love you.
 
I just wish there was a way to explain to you that love is just the start of it, because it’s turned into so much more for me.”
 

It was the most bittersweet moment, a moment of finding something so perfect, right in the shadow of losing someone so precious.
   

EPILOGUE

I spoke at the funeral.
 
Tristan and his mother were in no shape for it, and it didn’t feel right not to have someone represent the family.
 

“Jared was just one month from turning twenty-two when he left us,” I began.
 
“Such a short life, but in that short time, he made such an impact on so many people.”
 

Tristan had his head in his hands.
 
He was still, but I knew he was crying.
 

I tried to keep it together as I continued, but my throat was so scratchy that I felt I might choke with unshed tears.
 

“I want you all to look to each side of you.
 
Study those sitting beside you.
 
I don’t even have to ask, I can simply tell you with utter conviction that every person you are looking at adored Jared Vega.
 
That is his legacy.
 
Our love for him.
 
He was the best of us, torn from us much, much too soon, but everyone who knew him had a life touched by his beautiful soul.
 
Where there is love there is forever, and Jared will live forever in our hearts.”

Leticia was sobbing loudly, and I had to take a few deep breaths to continue with any semblance of composure.
 

“Beloved brother, beloved friend, beloved son, you have left us far too soon, but our love for you cannot be measured in seconds, or minutes, or hours.
 
It cannot be measured in years, or decades, or centuries.
 
It is beyond the hands of time now.
 
This love I feel for you can never die, will never fade, and cannot tarnish.
 
It has become bigger than this life.”

I had to stop and take three deep breaths as I heard the quiet sound of Tristan weeping brokenly into his hands.
 

I held up the black rubber wristband I had clutched in my hand.
 
“You were all handed one of these on your way in.
 
I want you to hold it in your hand, and study it.
 
If you knew Jared, you know that he’s had his arms covered in these for years.
 
Since before he was fourteen, even before it was trendy, he sported at least one on each wrist.
 
None of us will look at this little band again without thinking of him.”
 

“Nothing could make us forget this sweet son, this loyal brother, this understanding friend, but let this also be our reminder of him.
 
Often I will wear this on my wrist, or hold it in my hand and remember how he made me laugh, how I loved his smile, how he brought joy to all in his path.”
 

I concluded by reciting Away by James Whitcomb Riley.

“I cannot say and I will not say

That he is dead, he is just away.

With a cheery smile and a wave of hand

He has wandered into an unknown land;

And left us dreaming how very fair

Its needs must be, since he lingers here.

And you-oh you, who the wildest yearn

From the old-time step and the glad return-

Think of him faring on, as dear

In the love of there, as the love of here

Think of him still the same way, I say;

He is not dead, he is just away.”

As I finished my gaze happened to skim across Dean, who was down the row from Tristan.
 
Seeing that even he was crying like his heart was broken had my eyes finally flooding with tears.
 
I could only be relieved that I’d gotten through it before I broke down.

I approached Tristan on the bench, moving to sit beside him, on the other side from his mother, but they surprised me by moving apart, making a space for me between the two of them.
 

I took it without a word.
 

Leticia moved her face into my shoulder, sobbing piteously.
 
I wrapped my arms around her, feeling so powerless in the face of her pain.
 
I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around how horrible this must be for her, when I’d only known Jared for a short time, and the loss of him had still shaken me to my core.
 

Tristan’s lips moved to my ear, voice thick with tears.
 
“Thank you for that.
 
That was so beautiful, so perfect.
 
It said everything that I wanted to say, if I could have found the strength.
 
I’ll never forget that for as long as I live; the way you were my strength, when I was too weak to even stand.”

His face moved into my neck, and I found myself in the odd, and heartbreaking position of having an arm around both him and his mother as we all cried our hearts out.
   

It had been at Leticia’s insistence that it was an open casket ceremony.
 
I hadn’t thought it was a good idea, and I’d been right.
 
It was just too hard to look at him.
 
I didn’t think that anyone could feel better for seeing the body of a twenty-one year old man in his prime, pale and still in death.
 

Tristan and I went to see him together.
 
He was clutching my hand so hard that it ached, but I didn’t say a word.
 

I held my breath as I looked at Jared’s still form, the air only escaping my lungs when I couldn’t hold it for another moment.

I didn’t know what to say.
 
There were no words for this.
 
His stillness, the peace on his face, it brought both comfort and despair.
 

Still, I tried my hardest to bring Tristan some bit of comfort with my own perspective.
 
“I don’t have a bad memory of him.
 
I don’t have a thing to say about him that isn’t filled with affection.
 
I know logically that no one on this earth is perfect, but to me, he was.
 
There is bad in all of us, but I’ll only ever remember the good in Jared.”
 

Tristan hugged me to him, burying his face in my hair.
 
“Thank you for that.
 
It helps, to know someone else saw him how I did, that there are more of us to remember him like that.”
 

“
Always
,” I whispered in his ear.
 
“I will
always
be here to remember him like that with you.”

The day of the funeral seemed to last forever, well-wishers offering endless condolences to mother and son.
 
It was so obvious to me that all of it was nothing but a strain on them both that it was hard to stomach.
 

I barely left Tristan’s side, because that was where he needed me to be.
 
He seemed to draw strength from me, and I was desperate to be what he needed, in the face of his pain.
 

His mother held a reception at her home after the ceremony.
 
Friends and family brought food, and drinks, and no one seemed to want to leave, so it went on into the late hours of the night.
 

Tristan drank too much, stayed eerily quiet, and kept me close.
 
It wasn’t hard to talk him in to retiring early.
 

We shared his childhood room that night, clutching each other close on the twin sized bed.
 
There were other places to sleep, more comfortable places, but I didn’t even consider it.
 
This was where he wanted to be, and I would be there with him.
 

“I love you,” I murmured into his ear before he drifted off.
 

“I love you.
 
So much.
 
You’re my rock, Danika,” he said quietly.
 

Finally, for the first time in days, he drifted off into a deep sleep.
 
I gazed at him with tender eyes the entire time.
   

Watching him sleep, feeling his heart beat under my palm, I could admit it to myself.
 
I would love this man to the end of my days.
 
I’d fallen too deep.
 
Middle of the Pacific deep, with no land in sight.
 
There was no going back.
 
My heart was his forever.
 

BOOKS BY R.K. LILLEY

IN FLIGHT (UP IN THE AIR #1)

MILE HIGH (UP IN THE AIR #2)

GROUNDED (UP IN THE AIR #3)

LANA (AN UP IN THE AIR NOVELLA)

BREATHING FIRE (HERETIC DAUGHTERS #1)

BAD THINGS (BAD THINGS #1)

TRISTAN AND DANIKA’S STORY CONTINUES IN
 

ROCK BOTTOM (TRISAN & DANIKA #2)

COMING SOON…

AN EXCERPT FROM
ROCK BOTTOM

DANIKA

It had already been a shit of a day by the time I made it to Tristan’s apartment.
 
Shitty was really an understatement, though.
 
It had been hell.
 
Pure hell.
 
Right in the fire of it.
 

I had too much on my plate, and my boyfriend was out of town for weeks at a time, which just sucked.
 
Knowing that I’d get to see Tristan at some point on a day like this was all that had helped me keep it together.
 

I had a key to his apartment, but I knocked first, out of courtesy.
 
I wasn’t that courteous, though, because I unlocked it and walked in before anyone had time to answer.
 

I saw right away that they wouldn’t have answered, anyway.
 

It was three o’clock in the afternoon, but you wouldn’t know it by the state of the apartment.
 
Women were everywhere, slutty, groupie looking women, and I instantly felt my temper starting to boil.
 

Dean was lying, shirtless, on the couch.
 
His jeans were undone, and some tramp had her hand down his pants, even as another bimbo sat hip to hip with him, sharing a joint.
 

Dean saw me and smiled, and I knew that this wasn’t going to be a good visit.
 
Just as I could read a different meaning into every one of Tristan’s smiles, Dean’s only ever meant one thing.
 
Trouble.
 
Not fun trouble.
 
Just bad trouble.
 
Ruin your day trouble.
 

“Hey!
 
You come to join the party?
 
I think your boyfriend is busy, but you know you’re always first in line to suck
my
cock.”
 

I walked through the living room, heading to the back of the apartment, where the bedrooms were.
 
If I’d been thinking clearly, I’d have gone through the kitchen, but a few words out of his mouth and my brain was already too scrambled with my temper to have a mature interaction with him, if there was such a thing.
 

“You might not want to go back there.
 
I believe he said he wanted privacy…”

I whipped my head around to give him one smoldering glare.
 

He just chuckled.
 
“You know I think you’re fucking hot when you’re mad.
 
I mean, I’d fuck you any time, but when you’re mad, mmmm, now that would be a treat.”
 

I stifled my first urge, which was to tell him to go fuck himself, because I knew he’d just turn it into a suggestion.
 
Instead, I settled for specific and childish.
 
“I hope you choke on one of your own used condoms, and die, you asshole,” I told him, striding out of the room.
 

I heard him laughing behind me, and my fists clenched hard.