Baehrly Alive (20 page)

I lifted my fingers in a half-salute. It wasn’t enough—not the right way to walk away from my entire adult life.

I never doubted that I was doing the right thing. I didn’t understand how everyone could be so willfully blind to what was happening right in front of their eyes.

Maybe it took the sight of someone who had already lost everything to be able to see the truth.

I didn’t want to wait until it was too late. I didn’t want to be the one saying ‘I told you so.’

There had to be a better way—a better world.

I thought about packing up my stuff—making that symbolic break—but there was nothing there that I could take with me—nothing but a photograph of me and my dad from better days. I’d take that with me.

“I hope you’re proud of me, wherever you are,” I whispered, brushing my fingers over the glass that covered the photograph.

“Goldie,” Kodi said.

I whirled around to face him.

“You must be used to throwing me under the bus by now,” I snapped. “First the Council of Magic—now this. You can’t pretend you didn’t know what your brothers were planning—that they were spying on me.”

Kodi held up both hands defensively. For once, his face was serious. “Goldie, I had no idea, I swear.”

“But you didn’t defend me, either—did you?” I said bitterly. “I’m right about this Kodi. Everyone else can hide their heads in the sugarcoated world they have created, but you can’t. You have to know that I’m telling the truth.” I stared at him, trying to understand how a face—once the most dear to me in the whole world—could betray me in this fashion. “You don’t, do you? You’re just going to stab me in the back, too.”

Kodi closed the door behind him and crossed the room in two strides, grabbing me by my upper arms. “I have always been on your side,” he hissed. “I have fought for you time and time again. How can I get it through that pretty little head of yours that I am on your side?”

I glared at his use of ‘pretty little head’. He knew exactly what buttons to push to get me riled up.

He glared into my eyes, his fingers digging into my arms. I knew it was going to leave bruises.

I had never seen him like this. Kodi wasn’t like this—he didn’t do intense. He didn’t take anything seriously.

He didn’t fight for me.

He never had—not really. Not when I left our relationship, not when I had walked out of his life.

Sure, he had followed me and teased me and acted like nothing had changed, but that wasn’t fighting.

This was fighting. There was desperation in his eyes—fear stark on his face.

I didn’t know this person.

“Why do you have to be so blind?” he said, leaning toward me and crushing his lips against mine.

I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know how to untangle all the tangled emotions—gratitude, guilt, electricity—wondering if that electricity was a complete betrayal of Donovan.

I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know what to do.

So I just stood there.

And he stopped kissing me and stepped away, his face confused.

I picked up the picture of my father from my desk and walked the door.

I only looked back once.

“Donovan and I were married when he died,” I told him as I left. “I just thought you had a right to know.”

Chapter Fifteen

I sat next to Thomas’s bed for a long time that night. I sent Gwyn to another room to get some sleep.

“Hey, Kid,” I said, reaching out to take his hand. Despite the best efforts of the Resistance-sympathetic healers, he had lost a lot of weight. There was very little about him that reminded me of the mischievous, brilliant child I had come to adore.

“I’m so sorry it took me so long to start being a big sister to you.” I looked down at his frail little hand. “I should have been there for you and your mom. I know I’m here now, but it’s kind of one of those ‘too little, too late’ things, isn’t it? I seem to have a lot of those moments lately.” I frowned as I thought of the last time I had seen him up and about—running around as if nothing was wrong. “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize you were sick. Maybe if I had noticed—“

“You couldn’t have known.” Gwyn stood in the doorway, toweling her hair. She had obviously taken my offer for time as an opportunity to take a shower.

Funny how things like that became luxuries when a child was sick.

“I feel like I let him down—like I’ve let you both down,” I said.

“The only way you could let us down is if you quit trying,” Gwyn said, coming up behind me and placing a cool hand against my shoulder. “Don’t think I’m unaware of all you have done—all you have sacrificed for us. How could you ever think you’ve let us down when you have given up everything for the hope that Thomas will be well again?”

“It has to work,” I said, watching Thomas’s face. His breathing was even and deep, but there were little lines of pain in the corners of his eyes.

I hoped his dreams, if he had any, were beautiful ones.

“It will never be enough until the two of you are safe,” I told my stepmother. “I neglected the two of you for too long—I wasn’t there after Dad died. I wasn’t there when you got sick—and I missed all the signs that Thomas was sick, too. I have so much to make up for.”

“Oh, Goldie,” Gwyn lay her cheek against my hair. “You’re not here to atone for anyone’s sins. You can’t force the world to be fair. You can’t keep the people you love from getting hurt.”

I snorted. I knew that one all too well.

“The best any of us can do in life is muddle along and pray that we do more good than harm.” Gwyn tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. She smiled at me serenely—her expression was one of peace—of a person who accepted whatever fate handed her.

I wondered how she had gotten to that place. Surely, it hadn’t come all at once.

“I do believe that your balance is in the green, sweet girl. If a person’s heart was ever in the right place—it is this one right here.” She brushed her fingers over my chest.

I felt a tear roll down my cheeks. I was so tired. I had been trying to hold on and be strong for everyone—not just since Donovan had died, but even before that.

Ever since Dad had been killed, I’d been trying to make things better. I’d saved Petunia trying to follow in his footsteps.

So, why did I feel like somewhere along the way I had lost track of where I was heading?

I had known so much—who I was and what I was going to do with my life—that I had never taken the time to get to know myself.

Without all those little things, I didn’t even know who I was. Was I the saver of Magical creatures? Was I a lawyer? A daughter? A wife?

I had been so many things.

But I wasn’t sure any of those things was actually the one thing I had to be.

Me.

Why had it taken having every stone in my world toppled over for me to realize that I had no idea who I was?

“You’re such a fighter,” Gwyn said softly, as if she could read my thoughts. “You always have been. You never hesitate, do you? You’re like a crusader. I’d be afraid to set myself against you—I believe that you will save Thomas, did you know that? Because I can’t see you failing at anything you set your mind to. I don’t think you know how to fail.”

I choked. If only she knew how many people I had failed. I had blood on my hands because of my weaknesses and failures.

I had killed a girl that had been little more than a child, because I couldn’t stop her any other way.

I was a piss-poor crusader.

“You don’t have to carry us all, you know,” Gwyn said, leaning over Thomas and brushing her lips against his forehead. “You can let us carry some of the weight, you know. No one can carry the weight of the world—not even you.”

I tried to smile at her. “I’m not trying to carry the world,” I told her. “I’d settle for just getting you and Thomas to Faerie safely.”

“You’re not alone,” Gwyn said. “We may be your heaviest burdens, but you have us. You know that, right?”

I nodded, too blinded by tears to be able to speak, to be able to do anything more than stare down at Thomas’s hand, held in mine.

The reminder that I was not alone filled me with something I hadn’t felt in so long.

I’d forgotten hope.

The countdown was on.

Every stop along the way was planned.

Owen Dark had accounted for every contingency—from healers that would meet us along the way to where we would be able to restock on food and other supplies.

I might not care for him as a person, but he certainly was efficient.

My little family and I, and Owen, were not the only travelers. There were also three adults who kept looking over their shoulders—as if expecting to be snatched out of my house.

The closer we got to the day—the moment we would be able to leave all of this behind—the more my mind obsessed over little details. Who would shut the water off in the house? Had we accounted for every single hellcat? What if one of Fred’s babies escaped and ransacked a whole chicken coop before we could stop it? Would I ever see Kodi again?

That last one bothered me a lot more than I wanted it to.

I’d already lost so much. Was it horrible that I wanted to hold onto him? Hold onto one last part of my old life?

I didn’t want to let him go.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it was selfish. I knew neither of us would ever heal as long as I still clung to him—clung to that never-ending source of joy—of balance in a crazy universe.

He was my anchor.

But I couldn’t cling to him forever.

It was time—time to start that great journey—to move into the unknown, with no safety-belt, no plans, no way to know what lay ahead of us.

Just a thin strand of hope for healing.

I wondered if Nat would heal my soul for me—the part he had said he could.

I was ready for that now.

Just having a few growing pains along the way.

We were ready to go.

We were packed, we had our plans memorized. We had our backstories and false identities prepared—thanks to the incredible paranoia of Owen Dark.

My little preserve—my little oft dreamed-of little slice of heaven was empty. Not one creature was left.

Most had gone before, but Fred and his brood—I couldn’t call him a her; it just wasn’t going to happen—Petunia, and Silas were traveling with us.

My little family wouldn’t leave my side.

The responsibility of it all overwhelmed me. The special bed for Thomas, so he could travel—the first aid kits and the minivans—they were all because of me.

If anything happened to any of them, it would be my fault.

I didn’t think my heart could take anything more.

All we had to wait for was the signal—the call that would set all of us dominos in motion. We had to make sure that the Council of Magic would be distracted—would assume we were heading somewhere else.

Dave, my monsterly-godfather, would let us know when the diversion was ready—the moment we would do our best to disappear off of the Magical radar.

Forever.

Waiting was agony. Every time the phone rang, I jumped. I wasn’t the only one getting jumpy, either—everyone was getting a little short and snarly. When Gwyn and one of the others got in an argument about coffee—that none of us drank anyway—I knew that the stress was really getting to us.

A knock to the door came at midnight.

“I need to speak with Goldie right away.” The voice was familiar—Kodi. “You’ve all been betrayed. Dave went to the Council of Magic. They’re heading for your first liaison as we speak. You can’t leave tonight or you’ll all be captured.”

His words created quite the sensation.

“How can we know that you are trustworthy?” Owen Dark demanded, over the general hubbub.

Kodi held up his hands for silence. “Look—Dave is going to be calling you any minute now, telling you that everything is all clear. You cannot trust him, do you understand? It’s a set-up.”

I pushed past one of the paranoid trio to get closer to him. “Are you sure, Kodi? I can’t imagine Dave betraying me like that—he’s my godfather. I was raised alongside his cubs.”

“Goldie,” Kodi said seriously. “You’re going to have to trust me. Why else would I be here, if I didn’t know that you were going to be in danger?”

“Well, I don’t trust you,” the woman from the trio snapped. “I know exactly who you are—Kodi Aker Baehr, the lawyer. You’re so far up the asses of the Council of Magic that you can smell their toothpaste.”

I tried not to giggle at the image—it wasn’t the right time to start laughing, no matter how much I wanted to.

“I trust him,” I said, instead. “Kodi would never do something to hurt me. He’s always had my back. I’m going to trust him on this—Dave must have betrayed all—he was the leak all along.”

Kodi nodded in agreement.

The woman turned back to the two men and I could hear them bickering together in low voices.