Bastial Sentinels (The Rhythm of Rivalry: Book 5) (42 page)

“I’m sorry,” he said. “But at least they’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

Kalli pierced him with a stare. He turned around to find Lisanda in the doorway.

“Oh, I was…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overhear,” she said.

“We’re glad you’re here with us,” Sannil said quickly with palpable embarrassment. “Don’t let what you heard give you the wrong impression. You can stay as long as you like.”

“I know we’ve been here a long time,” Lisanda said. “We appreciate your hospitality. I came in because I was wondering where Jek would sleep.”

“We were talking about that as well,” Sannil said. “I was going to suggest he stay at the town inn.” He turned to Jek. “Though, you probably will need to leave soon to get there before dark. It’s three miles from here.”

“There’s truly no place for me in this house?” It seemed unfathomable.

“I wish there was.”

“It’s only one mile to the northern wall,” Jek said. “And it’s a warm enough night. I’ll take the tent and sleep outside. It’ll be better than what I’ve been used to recently anyway.”

“I’ll go with you.” Lisanda smiled at him.

“I was just about to suggest that.” He tried to smile back but couldn’t. He didn’t look forward to the talk they needed to have.
No,
he corrected himself,
I’m looking forward to finally addressing my concerns. What I don’t want is to see her cry.

They rode out of Facian sharing a saddle, Lisanda with her arms wrapped tightly around him, just as Baylee had done with Vithos.
Bastial hell, it’s going to be hard to tell her I don’t want to get married.
Her natural fragrance made Jek forget what he’d planned to say, especially when she kissed his cheek.

“I missed you,” she whispered.

“I missed you, too.” His heart thumped. His throat tightened. Every time he returned from a trip that lasted more than a day, they’d always lain together. Now that he’d been gone for weeks, he barely could think of anything else.

“Do you think your mother will speak to Raymess?” he managed to get out.

“I don’t.” Her words crushed him. “Even I feel uncomfortable about the idea.”

“So you wouldn’t speak with him, either?”

“I would, not because I believe in Fatholl, but because I believe in you. But I would have no better luck than you did. If anyone has a chance of convincing him, it’s either my mother or Micah Vail. What has he done about this?”

“He stayed with Raymess.” Jek realized then that some of his anger was for Micah. “He didn’t even try to convince your brother to let me have my cure.” Jek sighed. “I’ve never understood the man.”

“I think he values power more than he lets on,” Lisanda said. “He’ll do what he can to keep it because he’s nothing without it. Maybe he figured speaking on your behalf would do nothing but make him powerless. He could’ve spoken with Raymess since you left. I could see him just waiting for the right time.”

The thought made him grab Lisanda’s hand and kiss it. “You could be right! Maybe Raymess has already changed his mind because of Micah.”

Lisanda giggled. “I like how easy it is to lift your spirits.”

But by the time they’d left Facian’s walls and had the tent up, the feeling of dread had returned. What Jek truly feared was the same concern that often kept him up at night before he’d even heard of Fatholl. Would Lisanda still wish to be with him if he wouldn’t marry her?

“I thought you were feeling better,” she said, taking his hand and leading him toward the tent’s entrance. “Try not to worry about Raymess. This might be the only night we have alone for a while, and it’s my birthday.”

She said it so calmly that shock and terror didn’t hit him until a breath later. “Bastial hell, it is! And I didn’t get you anything!”

“It’s alright.”

He looked closely at her face. She seemed genuinely indifferent about it.

“Why didn’t you mention it earlier?”

“My family agreed that it’s better if Sannil and Kalli don’t know that it’s Jessend’s and my birthday. They would feel obligated to do something, and they’ve already done so much.”

“I’m sorry.”

She laughed. “Don’t be. I’m happy you’re back.”

He was silent.

“I wish we had more time together,” she added.

“Me, too.” He held the tent flap open for her, and she stepped inside.

“I can tell something’s still wrong,” she said after he followed her.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to phrase it.”

She grabbed his right hand with both of hers. She seemed to be in a panic. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Lisanda had always been so dramatic, as if every moment they shared was part of some romantic story she was plotting in her mind. The thought gave him a good place to start.

He sat down. She crossed her legs and sat facing him, leaning forward as if she was about to reach for his hand again. Her eyes longed to resolve any conflict between them. It made him want to lie, to tell her he had no worries. Then he could kiss her tempting lips calling to him.

She leaned forward even farther, this time touching his knee. His gaze ran down to her collarbone, then farther to the tease of breast exposed in the neckline of her dress.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” Jek said. He shook his head. That was misleading. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about you a lot since I met you. But recently I’ve started to worry.” As he thought about what to say next, he feared she would argue that he had nothing to worry about. But instead, she held him in her gaze, appearing nervous about what he night say next. “You might get bored with me when we’re older,” he continued.

“I couldn’t.” Her tone was peremptory.

“It’s easy to say that. But we’ve known each other less than a year. How can you be certain your feelings won’t change?”

“Because I can remember what my life was like before you.” She looked at him as if he was a fool for not already knowing this answer. “I don’t want to go back to that.”

“Did you read that in one of your romance stories?”

She shook her head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Often when we talk about each other, you say things that sound scripted. It increases my worries that you’re in love with the idea of us more than you are with me. You want a love story of your own, so you turn this into one.”

Her face formed into the image he’d pictured for days, of pained sadness. It made him feel like he was struck in the stomach. “No I didn’t read that line in some book. I don’t understand where this is coming from.” She was holding back tears. “Are you trying to tell me something? Did you meet another woman…and you want me to end our relationship?” Her eyes ignited with rage. “Because I won’t do that! If you’ve fallen for someone else, you’re going to have to—”

“I haven’t.”

“Then what is this about?” she demanded.

Marriage.
He couldn’t say it aloud when he knew what would follow. He opened his mouth to say something, at least, but nothing came out.

She looked as though she suddenly realized what he was hinting at. Her mouth dropped open. A tear fell down her cheek. She leaned back and cried softly. “I thought you wanted to marry me. I even thought you would ask me when you came back from Lake Mercy. But I can see I was wrong.”

He nodded. This wasn’t going at all how he’d hoped. He wanted a dialogue about their future.

He realized just then that he wanted her to convince him his worries were unfounded. But it looked like she was either ready to curl up and cry, or scream for him to leave her alone…and then curl up and cry.

“Why?” she managed to get out.

“I just don’t think we’re ready.”

“How long…would…you want to wait?” she asked, pausing between each word, as if expecting him to interrupt her at any moment with worse news.

She thinks I’m going to end our relationship.
While it was somewhat frustrating that not wanting to marry soon was the same in Lisanda’s eyes as not loving her, he couldn’t let himself be angry.

As sweetly as he could, he told her, “I’m not sure. At least a year.”

“I’ll be eighteen in a year,” she muttered slowly, testing how it sounded to her own ears. Her eyes slowly rose to meet his. She looked hopeful. “I can wait.”

“But it might be longer.” A year still seemed far too soon.

Her gaze came off his and drifted around the tent as her crying worsened. “I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?”

His stomach twisted tighter. He wanted to touch her and say everything would be fine. But it wouldn’t be right. It was selfish for him to torment her with no marriage date and expect her to suddenly let go of the need for betrothal that had been driven into her since birth. She needed time to understand that this didn’t change the way he felt.

She was leaning away from him. Even crying, she was beautiful. In that moment, though, he still wondered if her pain was because she genuinely cared for him deeply or because she expected them to be happy for the rest of their lives given how they’d met.

“Lisanda.”

He waited for her eyes. They lifted to his again.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you, too. But if you love me, then why don’t you want to be married to me?”

“I’m worried you don’t love me as much as you think you do.”

“What a terrible thing to say!”

“Why?”

“Because how do I argue against that? What would you say if I told you that you aren’t as attracted to me as you think you are?”

It was a good question. He couldn’t count how many times he’d told her she was beautiful. “I would ask you why you believe that.”

“Fine. Then why do you say I don’t love you as much as I think I do?”

“Because you want to believe we’re in love so badly that it’s interfering with your judgment.”

She brushed the strands of raven hair from her face. She’d stopped crying. “I don’t love you because I want to love you. I love you because of the way you make me feel.”

They fell silent as Jek thought about her answer.

“Why don’t you trust that I’m being sincere?” Lisanda asked. “I wanted a love story just as badly when I was about to marry Varth Farro, but I didn’t
delude
myself that I loved him.” Her accent came out strongly, making her sound more like the princess she was. “I’m not some fickle maiden who swoons over every handsome man who wears a nice hat!”

Jek laughed, realizing his mistake.

“What’s so funny?” There was a smile above her folded arms.

“You’re right,” Jek said.

“I know I’m right. Why must I defend my love for you? And on my birthday!” Her tone was intense, but there was no anger. “You’re the one who doesn’t want to be married. You should be explaining how you can love me but not want to marry me.” Gloom returned to her face.

“Once we’re married, that’s it…for life. For life, Lisanda!” He didn’t understand how that didn’t terrify her.

“So? Can you imagine meeting any other woman who makes you feel the same way I do?” She leaned close and touched his cheek. With the tip of her tongue, she moistened her lips, then kissed him.

It took away his breath.
Damn her confidence
. She knew just how to kiss him to make him forget the rest of the world existed.

“That’s not fair” was all he could say when she pulled away before he was ready for her lips to leave his.

“Why isn’t that fair?” She was grinning.

“Because I can’t use good judgment about complex things like marriage when I…when you…”

She dipped her chin to glance from the tops of her eyes. It had been so long since they’d been together. All he could think about was kissing her again.

Finally, he managed to remember what he was saying. “Why do we need to be married so soon?”

“A year is not soon,” she said coldly. He could hear it from her tone. She wouldn’t argue about that. “You must know I’m judged not only by my family, but also by everyone who knows my name. It’s unusual for a princess to turn eighteen without being married and even more unusual to be with a man for so long without being married. People already assume we’ve been sharing a bed. They talk. The longer we wait, the more they’ll claim we finally got married because I begged you.”

“Why would they think any of that?”

“When something is beyond the norm, there needs to be a reason. If the reason isn’t clear, people will make their own. A princess who’s given up her virtue too early and easily to keep a man is an easy target for the loudest minority. They talk. Others laugh and eventually agree. Even some of the people here in Facian have teased me. Not to my face, but people have told me what they’ve heard others say.”

This enraged Jek. “Bastards, all of them. You shouldn’t care about the opinions of idiots.”

“I try not to, but it isn’t easy.”

“I know this will sound harsh, but it must be said. If you wish to be married just to stop the rumors, then—”

“That’s not the reason! If it were, I would’ve mentioned the insults to my family. But I don’t want my mother or sister pressuring you. It’s just that…I know we’re going to be married, so I’d rather do it sooner.”