Bear, Otter, & the Kid 03 - The Art of Breathing (17 page)

Oh, balls. I don’t know if I want to know what is going to come out of his mouth.

We’re quiet as we wait. His grip gets tighter on my hand.

“Bear?” I hear Otter whisper. “You okay?”

His hand shakes.

Oh no.

I’m too late.

“We’ve decided to have a baby!” Bear blurts out. Quite loudly. And a little bit slurred. And a little bit hysterical.

I just… I don’t even know what to do with this. I don’t even try to pick my jaw up off the table. From the looks of it, no one else does either. Well, except for Otter, who buries his face in his hands.

And by the grace of God (or whatever force it is that runs the mind of Derrick Thompson) it spills forth: “I didn’t even think I wanted to be
near
kids, much less
have
one for myself! They’re sticky and gross and they smell weird, and they’re always leaking fluids, and they do stupid shit like eat bugs and glue, and the cost! Holy fuck me sideways, the
cost
? They always want new stuff like clothes and food and slap bracelets and Super Nintendos and Hypercolor T-shirts! I don’t think they even
make
Hypercolor t-shirts anymore! Where would I even go to find one now? Goodwill? I can’t even go into Goodwill without feeling like my dreams are dying! And kids get hurt so easy! What if he loses an arm in a boating accident or gets attacked by a gorilla when we go to the zoo on an educational visit? I don’t know if I could deal with a
two
-armed kid, and now I have to have a kid with only
one
arm because he wanted to try and feed the gorilla cotton candy? That’s some fucking bullshit! I didn’t even want this, but then we were sitting at a restaurant minding our own business when this little boy walks by wearing little checkered Vans, and he was walking and singing a song and
dancing
. He was
dancing
, and all of a sudden I turned to Otter and
demanded
he put a baby in me! But I’m a guy, and he’s a guy, and that’s biologically impossible, but what the
fuck
is going on in my body that all I could think about was offering those parents five hundred dollars if we could just buy their son so I could hold his hand while he wore his checkered Vans and sang a song and danced? How is it even remotely normal that my biological clock is ticking? You
know
me! The idea of me raising a child is so far out of the realm of possibility that it should be absolutely ludicrous, but no! It’s all fucking Otter’s fault! He’s the one who encouraged this! He’s the one that said this was okay! And now I’m drunk again and I’m pretty sure I’m going to turn into a stay-at-home mom who gets wasted on Merlot at one in the afternoon while waiting for the kids to come home, and I’ll be forced to go to T-ball games and I’ll hide my wine in juice boxes because I think T-ball is literally the most excruciating thing to watch. I mean, come
on
. The ball is sitting right there and you
miss it
? Are you fucking
blind
? But then it all comes back to that little kid in the checkered Vans, and
I don’t care
. I will be the alcoholic T-ball mom who gets drunk and yells at the refs because
my
kid just needs a little more time to hit the ball so the refs
had better fucking calm the fuck down!
”

He’s panting by the time he finishes. His face is red. He slings back the rest of the wine.

“No words,” Corey says in awe. “Should… have sent… a poet.” Jodie Foster in
Contact
he is not.

“You guys are going to have a kid?” Jerry says, sounding thunderstruck.

“We’re going to be grandparents again?” Alice says with tears in her eyes.

“What is
in
this wine?” Ian asks, frowning at his glass.

“This is such a wonderful day,” Stephanie says happily.

“Hey, Mom!” JJ says. “What do you call a bunny with a bent penis? Fucks Funny!”

“JJ!” Anna shrieks. “Where did you hear that?”

JJ’s eyes go wide. “Dad told me, and then he said not to tell you.” He rests his chin on his hand and pouts. “Oh crap. Now I’m going to be hung by my thumbs in the orphanage.”

“Traitor,” Creed grumbles.

“Creed!” Anna shouts.

“Anna’s pregnant again,” he says, raising his hands as if to ward off the incoming blows.

“
Creed
!”

“What?” he says, sounding offended. “You are. I should know. I put it there. On purpose this time.”

“You’re
what
?” her parents say at the same time.

“Again?” Otter asks.

She rolls her eyes. “Yes. Again. Eight weeks.” She casts a murderous glare at Creed, who is whistling and staring at the ceiling. “We were going to
wait
to tell you, because we wanted today to be about the Kid.”

“I have no problem with this,” I assure her. “Please, continue.” When you’re knee-deep in it, it’s better to just go with it; otherwise you get bowled over.

“Dear Jesus,” Corey says. “Thank you for this whole thing. This is magical. Like you wouldn’t even believe.”

“We’re going to be grandparents?” Alice asks. “Even more?”

“Can I have it?” Bear says hopefully.

“No, Bear, you can’t have my unborn child,” Anna says dryly.

“You can have the next one,” Creed says. “I mean, by the third, they just have to slide right out of there, right? How hard could it be?”

Every male in the room grimaces. It’s not a pleasant image.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what happens,” Alice says, patting her son’s hand. “
You
took at least fourteen hours.”

“That’s because of my big—”

“Head,” his dad finishes. “You got stuck at the head because it was the size of a watermelon.”

“I am not a baby factory,” Anna says. “Just so we’re clear.”

“Do you guys have a donor yet?” Creed asks Otter.

Otter, looking resigned, shakes his head.

“Why couldn’t you, then?” he asks Anna. “Think about it! We’d be keeping it in the family! You’ll have carried mine
and
my brother’s babies! And your ex-boyfriend’s, because they can mix them all in now!” He pauses. His eyes narrow. “Wait. That doesn’t sound right. At all. And I don’t know how I feel about that.” He turns and glares at Bear and Otter. “I don’t think I want either of you getting my wife pregnant. Stay away from her baby factory.”

“You’re having
two
babies?” JJ asks. “That better not mess with my two Christmases when you and Dad get divorced.”

“Which seems more and more likely with each passing second,” Anna says. “And no, I’m not having two babies. I’m having one.”

“We weren’t going to ask you,” Otter says helplessly. “Trust me. That conversation would have been… well. I guess it would have been no stranger than what is happening right now.”

“You want to be a dad?” I ask Bear.

He looks down at his hands. Everyone is mercifully quiet while he thinks of the right words. “I think so,” he says finally. “I mean, I did okay with you, right? You didn’t turn out weird.”

“I’m very weird. And so are you.”

He cracks a smile. “You know what I mean. Otter’s wanted a kid forever, even if he hasn’t said it out loud.” He takes Otter’s hand in his and looks up at me. “I didn’t think I’d ever get there, but here I am. Thirty-two years old and going baby-crazy.”

“You did okay with me,” I say. “Your kid won’t be too messed up.”

“Vote of confidence,” Otter says. “Score.”

“Why surrogate?” Alice asks. “Why not adoption?

“Because Bear read an article about Russian children being taken away from families,” Otter explains. “And it absolutely convinced him that we would get a Russian kid.”

“I read articles now,” Bear says. “I’m extremely well-informed.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I say. “You read about one article a year.”

“Hey,” Otter says. “At least he’s trying. I was relieved just to find out he could read.”

“Russia is scary,” Bear announces, as if we all didn’t know.

“So no surrogate yet?” Alice asks.

They shake their heads.

“I’d do it, but I’m too old for it now,” she says sadly.

“Thanks, Mom,” Otter says. “That wasn’t weird at all.”

She beams at him. “My pleasure, dear.”

“I’m drunk,” Bear says to no one in particular. “How did all this wine get in my mouth?”

“Corey did it,” I say.

“I’m not sorry at all,” Corey says. “I’m probably going to do it again in the future. That was even better than I could possibly have hoped for.”

“You guys have to wait until we have our baby,” Creed says. “I want all the free stuff and money and attention when we have a kid. You doing it at the same time would be like having to share your birthday party with Jesus because it’s on Christmas. That’s no fun.” Anna slaps him on the arm. “I mean, because I want you to experience the joy all on your own.”

“When?” Stephanie asks him.

Otter shrugs. “We haven’t gotten that far yet. Bear’s got the teaching contract here with the Seafare School District for the next school year. Tyson is leaving in a few months. I’ll probably go with him to get him settled and then come back after a few weeks. I’m thinking of going back to school, but I don’t know yet. I’ve got a few more shoots lined up that I can spread out over the next few months.”

“You guys better hurry,” JJ says. “You’re getting pretty old.”

“JJ,” Creed scolds. “That’s not a nice thing to say to the elderly.”

“Otter just turned forty!” Bear says.

JJ shrugs. “I was talking about you.”

Bear glares at his godson. “I don’t want kids anymore.”

“
Kids
?” Otter says, going a bit pale. “As in
plural
?”

“Well, yeah,” Bear says with a drunken grin. “Isn’t having kids like Pringles and tattoos? Can’t have just one?”

“Yes, Bear,” Anna says. “Having children is just like having potato chips and tattoos.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s going to open the floodgates,” he says to Otter. “Aren’t you going to be sorry when we have, like, thirty. We could adopt half from other countries and have our own mock United Nations.”

“I don’t think that’s as good of an idea as you think it is, you wino,” Otter says.

“Why don’t you just start with one?” Anna suggests.

“What’s your position on breastfeeding?” Bear asks her. “Because I read this article that says—”

“You need to stop reading articles,” I say. “Now.”

He rolls his eyes. “I just wanted her opinion on nipple sensitivity.”

“Uh, Bear?” Anna asks. “You know you can’t breastfeed, right?”

“I would have made a good mother,” Bear says sadly.

“You would have,” Otter says, kissing his cheek.

“Who’s hungry?” Alice asks. “All this baby talk has left me famished.” She begins to cut the irradiated lasagna.

“I have a question,” JJ says.

“And what’s that?” Anna asks, putting the cloth napkin in his lap.

“We’re all here, right? Our family?”

“Right.”

“And it’s pretty big news that babies are coming, right?”

“Right.”

“Then how come Dominic isn’t here?
He’s
part of us too. Is he working or something? I can’t wait to tell him I’m going to be a big brother.”

Silence. Except for the high-pitched buzzing in my ears.

Anna looks embarrassed. “JJ, I—”

“You guys still see him?” I ask.

The only one who’ll look at me is Creed. “Sure, Kid,” he says. “Why wouldn’t we?” There’s a bit of a challenge in his voice. “We have him over for dinner once a week. Like JJ said, he’s family.”

I swallow thickly. “That’s… nice of you.”

“
People mess up, Kid,” he says. “Everyone in this room knows that.
Sometimes people mess up too much and there’s no coming back from it. Other times, it’s something mishandled, but it’s in the past and needs to be forgiven. You, of all people, should know the difference between the two.”

“Creed,” Otter warns. “Not now. This isn’t—”

“No,” I interrupt. “Let him talk.”

“Creed,” Anna says, but he ignores her.

“Hasn’t this gone on long enough?” he asks.

“You don’t know everything,” I tell him. “Not about him. Not about me.”

“Don’t I? I was there when it was about Bear and Otter. I might not have seen it right at the time, but I can see it now.”

“It’s not the same. I’m not like them. This is different.”

“Really? You left, Kid. Doesn’t get much more the same than that.”

“Creed,” Bear says. “That’s enough.” His voice is hard. “I told you not to talk about this.”

“You did?” I ask, unable to keep the surprise from my voice. “When?”

Bear sighs. “Before we left New Hampshire.”

“Why?”

“Because it needed to be said.”

I’m pissed, though I can’t quite figure out why. “So you just thought that I shouldn’t be aware of this? Poor, fragile Tyson couldn’t possibly handle it?”

“Panic attack,” Bear snaps. “Two hours ago. On the beach.”

“That’s not fair!”

He shakes his head. “It’s not. But that is how it is. I was just trying to do what’s best for you. As I’ve always done.”

“Maybe I don’t need you to do that,” I say coldly. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

“You better believe I’m going to do it. As long as you live under my roof, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you—”

I laugh. “Practicing already, Dad? That’s not quite how it works.”

“Tyson!” Otter barks in that voice even I can’t ignore. I’m such a fucking shit, but I can’t stop the anger rolling through me. I feel betrayed.

Oh?
it whispers.
You thought… what? That just because
you
stopped seeing him that the rest of them would? That just because you couldn’t handle the thought of him loving anyone else but you that they’d feel the same? Tyson. Kid. Child. You may be a genius, but sometimes, oh
sometimes
, you are so very fucking stupid.

“Apologize,” Otter growls. “Now.”

Bear’s trying to keep the hurt off his face, but he’s not quite succeeding. Goddammit. How did we get here so quickly? We were just laughing. All of us.