bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug (6 page)

The green lifted a wing to protect its face and swung upward, flashing eight inch long claws toward Glynus’ snout. She dropped ten feet, sending my stomach into my esophagus, and rolled, ripping several long gashes into the green’s belly and dropping away before it could retaliate. I sent a power arrow into the green’s brain as it faltered and watched it plummet toward the ground below.

Several sonic booms alerted me to the arrival of Dialle and his forces.

As Glynus headed toward our next victim I searched the sky, looking for Dialle. I found my sexy royal not too far away, riding a massive white dragon and already engaged in battle with one of Satan’s finest. He turned as Glynus and I approached to take on a second green that was trying to double-team Dialle and his white.

Hey! I said to him.

He turned a gorgeous smile on me.
Hello, my love.

Thanks for coming to help.

His chuckle turned my insides to mush and sent my nether regions to throbbin’.
It’s not like you gave me much choice, Astra.
His grin widened.
Besides, there’s always fun and excitement around you.

There is, isn’t there?
I returned his smile.

Look out!

I ducked at Slayer’s warning and barely missed becoming a halfling toasty as a red eyed green rose up on the other side of Glynus and took a shot at me.
I’ll see you later?

Just try to avoid me.
Dialle responded.

Glynus and I swung hard right to take on the newcomer, my body thrumming with pleasure and anticipation of time with my gorgeous royal. The promise of his touch carried me through the next two hours, until the last of the greens dumped its rider and surged through the hole in the barrier to join its friends.

A huge cheer went up all along the range as the assembled warriors, angels, and extractors realized the battle was won.

Astra Q Phelps one, Satan zero.

I closed my eyes and sighed as Dialle shifted onto Glynus behind me.

Merry Christmas, my love.

Right back atcha, bud.
I leaned into him, thinking maybe I wouldn’t have an entry for the Shitty Day book after all.

~SC~

I collapsed onto the divan in Dialle’s office. The battle had been long and hard and I was exhausted. And stinky. I was covered in soot, blood, and dragon gore. I needed to clean up but was far too weary to move. Dialle had popped out to deal with some residual problems on the Court. The new halfling apparently didn’t like his lowly status in the hierarchy. Dialle had gone to give him his options.

Option 1, learn to like his status.

Option 2, die.

I was pretty sure I knew which option the halfling would take. I was a little surprised Dialle hadn’t zapped him already and took a moment to appreciate his restraint.

The air shimmered and I sucked in a breath as a very round figure dressed in red and white, with a bulbous, red nose, popped into the room, accompanied by the sound of bells.

I recognized those bells.

“Hey, Santa.”

The jolly elf grinned, showing me large, straight white teeth under a dense, white mustache. “Astra Q Phelps.” He lifted a pudgy hand to show me a short section of scroll. “I wanted to let you know that I’ve made some changes to my “nice and naughty” list. I peered at the scrap of scroll. My name was crossed off the “coal” list and placed back under the “gift” list where it belonged.

Pleasure bloomed warmly in my chest. “Thanks, Santa.” I glanced at my watch. It was well after Midnight. “But I’m afraid it’s a little late.”

Santa’s smile widened. “Ah, but you forget who you’re dealing with.” Santa wiggled his fat fingers and the room beyond us became a party, filled with all the things I loved most about the season, bright lights, lots of pine-scented garland swags, and a sparkling tree with bunches of brightly colored packages underneath. All of my friends and family sat or stood around a fiercely crackling fire, drinking champagne and nibbling on goodies.

They didn’t appear to know that Santa and I were there.

I sat back on the divan, sighing at the sight. It was beautiful and made a warm spot in my heart.

“I thought you might like to join the party for a while.” Santa’s small, black eyes sparkled merrily, as if he had a wonderful secret he could barely contain.

I watched the scene for a while, just enjoying it. And then finally, shook my head. “No. Thanks anyway, Santa. I don’t need a party this year. I’m feeling pretty good already.”

Santa cocked his head and the sparkle in his eyes increased. “It was a really fine thing you did tonight, Astra Q Phelps. Those greens will be a wonderful addition on Olympus, and they will live long, happy, and prosperous lives.”

“Yeah.” The warm spot in my heart expanded. “It was, wasn’t it.” I glanced at Santa. “Thank you.”

He looked surprised. “For what?”

“For forcing me to come outside myself and do the right thing. I apparently needed a reminder of what the season means. I owe ya big time for that.”

Santa stared at me for a long moment and then nodded. “Then, you’re welcome. But the impetus was entirely self-imposed.”

Remembering the mysterious sound of bells as Glynus and I had been flying aimlessly around Hell, I doubted it.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your evening then.” Santa winked at me and then popped away, taking my potential party with him.

I expected to be saddened by the loss, but thinking of Dialle’s imminent return, I couldn’t dredge up any sadness. I headed toward Dialle’s personal hygiene room and stripped, calling for hot and soapy water from the cleansing tube.

Stepping under the foamy heat, I sighed, enjoying the soothing feel of the soapy water massaging my aches and pains. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall of the tube, my thoughts moving from the events of the night so far...to the events still to come.

Right on cue, the air changed and the tube got warmer, and harder, as Dialle stepped into me, wrapping me in a needy embrace.

My eyes popped open and found his, which swirled with the warm colors of passion. “Hello, my love.”

Water streamed over his midnight black hair and down his golden chest. His sexy, biteable lower lip held a single drop of water in its center. I leaned close and flicked my tongue over the bead, pulling it into my mouth.

It tasted of Dialle, hot and spicy and filled with possibilities. “Hey, yourself.”

He stepped closer, pressing certain parts of his yummy self against me and causing noticeable changes in my special and happy places. I lifted a leg and wrapped it around his calves, enjoying the way his happy place fit into my hungry body.

Dialle lowered that incredible mouth toward mine. His sweet breath bathed my face in moist heat. “I have a Christmas present for you, Astra.”

My laugh was husky with need. My hands found the backs of his hard thighs and slid upward, over a truly remarkable set of buns and higher, to settle on his hips. I tugged gently, pulling him closer and gasping as sensation exploded over me. “I think I know what it is.”

Dialle’s head lowered and he settled a whisper-soft kiss on my parted lips. His tongue slid inside to dance against mine. Heat built quickly between us, until the drops from the cleansing tube sizzled against our skin.

With a thought Dialle blipped us out of the tube and into his massive, silk-covered bed. He landed on top of me, pressing me delightfully into the sheets.

I moaned at the delicious pressure of his body on mine . He nipped at my lips, my nose, my chin, and then settled his lips over the daemon hickey on my neck. Passion flared even brighter between us. Flames flickered around the bed, creating a multi-hued counterpoint to the soft sounds of sensual exploration.

As Dialle kissed his way down my body, stopping along the way to worship all my favorite places, my thoughts strayed, only briefly, to Satan. I envisioned his angry impotence in the Hell of his own making and smiled.

Realizing that Dialle’s presence in that bed had just increased the score by one point. I had love, passion, and happiness. Satan had nothing. I almost felt sorry for him.

Blink, blink...

Nah, he’d deserved to go down and I was keeping score.

It was now Astra Q Phelps 2, Satan 0.

It was the best Christmas present Dialle could have given me.

Dialle’s lips found the quivering skin of my belly and settled a warm, enticing kiss there.

I shuddered with delight as he continued his journey downward, toward the promised land.

Well...almost the best present.

The best was obviously yet to come.

THE END

Christmas Short #3

THE YEAR THE GRINCH STOLE SANTA

In this short Christmas story, Astra is determined to take Christmas off so she’s been ignoring the nearly constant calls from the North Pole to help them find Santa, who’s disappeared just days before Christmas.

But when a flash mob of elves show up and whisk her away to the North Pole, fresh from the shower and all nakies, what’s a halfling to do?

Looks like Astra will be working again on Christmas after all.

!

CHAPTER 1

Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward Men...Bleurgh!

In my world, nobody’s peaceful.

Nobody.

In Heaven, the Big Guy’s fighting to come to some kind of agreement with the Union of Guardian Angels and he’s worried about a major strike that will leave everybody on Earth unprotected. On Earth, violence has spiked and people are going crazy over taxes and a truly stinky economy, as well as a food shortage. And at the North Pole, there have been rumors of Elf unrest and Santa has gone missing.

It’s been all I could do to keep myself in the holiday spirit. With that goal in mind, I was currently ignoring multiple calls a day from the North Pole.

Ignoring? You ask in disbelief. Ignoring Santa!?

Yes.

I’m ignoring Santa.

Or rather, his elves. The little rodents have been calling me every five minutes and I’ve been doing my best to avoid those calls. Why? you ask. because I’m sick and frunkin’ tired of having to work every Christmas.

Just for once I’d like to spend the week before Christmas shopping for gifts, attending holiday parties, and baking cookies like everybody else.

I saw that face. You don’t think I can bake cookies do you? Huh? Okay. You’re right. But I can frunkin’ eat ’em can’t I?

Sigh. If I get the chance.

My televisual bleeped again and I grabbed the pillow next to me and covered my face with it. Cursing like a green Martian policeman, I climbed out of bed and headed for the personal hygiene room, intending to drown my sorrows in blissfully hot soapy water.

A few minutes later, I was soaking wet and happily soapy when the lights in the room flickered and I sensed movement. I squinted one eye open, cognizant of the soap running down my face, and started to pull my power forward.

Something light and shimmery landed on my head and my power froze on my fingertips. My eyes opened wide and I immediately regretted it as soap ran into them in a stinging stream.

“Frunk!” I lifted a hand and scraped it over my face and then glared down at my diminutive attackers, my eyes trying their best to close under the sting.

A familiar face glared back at me.

“Ralphy!”

He was dressed in green tights and a green tunic and wearing a red pointed hat, a wide red belt, and red shoes with curling toes.

As usual, he looked ridiculous.

Behind him ranged several more vertically challenged rodents wearing stupid outfits to match Ralphy’s. They all had ridiculously rosy cheeks too, but their expressions were less jolly.

In fact they mostly looked royally pissed.

Ralphy looked down his pug nose at me. It didn’t take him long since it was only about an inch long. “Astra Q Phelps. I came to tell you that, this year, you’re so naughty you don’t even rate coal. This year all you’re gonna get from the North Pole is hostility.”

I sighed. “Look. I’m sorry about the big red guy. I really am. But isn’t there somebody else who can save him? Why does everybody always come to me first? I’m tired, Ralphy. So tired.” I gave the elf my best ‘hang dog’ look but he just laughed, his beady black eyes sparking with mirth.

“Nice try, Phelps. You’re coming with us whether you want to or not. Santa’s been kidnapped and we need you to find him before Christmas is ruined for everybody.”

He took a step toward me and I looked down at myself for the first time. Aside from the magic snuffing web he’d thrown over me, I was nakies.

And the web was transparent.

I covered my important parts with my hands and arms and glared at the elf. He was standing so close to me that the felt ball on his stupid hat drooped in the humidity from my cleansing tube and tickled my belly through the thin web. “Step back, elf. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He laughed again. “Come on, boys. Let’s get this naughty girl to the North Pole.”

The elves surged forward, their fat, stumpy fingers reaching for me, and I just barely swallowed a scream.

It wouldn’t be manly to shriek over the touch of a bunch of vertically challenged rodents.

The air shimmered and, before I could even squeal, I was being spaceshift-napped.

Again.

When sound and movement returned I was standing in the center of a massive room filled with toys and gifts in various stages of completion. The walls were covered in glittery snowflakes, interspersed with bright red ornaments that hung from gold beads, arrayed across all four walls. Bright, silver garland draped from the corners of the ceiling and met in the middle at a giant, spinning disco ball. The ball sent vibrant colors pulsing around the room like a tattoo parlor sign. An enormous Christmas tree, flashing with tiny lights and nearly drooping under an avalanche of fake snow and ornaments, stood watch over hundreds of brightly wrapped packages.

A large sign hung on the nearest wall. It read, “Elves of the North Pole, Unite!”