Bedford Street Brigade 02 - Love Unbidden (31 page)

He didn’t stop until he was close to her—so close she could reach out and touch him. She took one step away from him.

“Then coming here will have defeated my purpose,” she said.

“Unless your purpose in coming outside was not to assist you in falling asleep, but to clear your mind of something that is troubling you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t you?”

“No.”

“Then pardon me for doubting you, because not only do I think something is bothering you enough to keep you awake, but I believe I know what that something is.”

Millie turned her back to him and took a step away. “You can’t possibly know what’s bothering me.”

“Can’t I? I believe I do, because the same problem is bothering me.”

A weight of unease settled inside her chest and she clutched her hands together at her waist. “I need to go back inside.” She took a step toward the house.

“Don’t you want to hear what’s bothering me?”

“No.” She took another step toward the house. And another.

“Yes, you do, Millie Shaw. For some reason I don’t understand, I feel something for you that I’ve never felt for another woman before in my life. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Millie stopped.

“I could ignore it if I was the only one of us who feels like this, but you feel it, too. Don’t you, Millie?”

She turned on him. “How dare you.”

“How dare I, what? Feel this way. Or tell you how I feel about you?”

“You have no right. Not after what you did.”

He crossed the distance between them and didn’t stop until he stood before her. “That’s the second time you’ve accused me of doing something inexcusable. What did I do, Millie?”

Oh, how she wanted to tell him exactly what he’d done. How she wanted to throw every horrible, unforgivable sin he’d committed in his face. How she wanted to lay every unpardonable transgression at his feet and condemn him to a life as filled with heartache and regret as the one she was living.

But she couldn’t.

It would be like throwing little Robbie into his very arms.

What if Roarke discovered Robbie was his son and decided to take him away from her? After all, what father wouldn’t want his son?

She thought of her future without Robbie in it and her blood turned to ice. She wouldn’t give Robbie up. He was as much hers as if she’d given birth to him.

“Aren’t you going to tell me what reprehensible offense I committed, Millie? Even an accused criminal has the right to know what crime he’s suspected of having carried out.”

Millie studied his features. The expression on his face told her he was truly ignorant of any wrongdoing.

A frown pulled his thick, dark brows closer together, giving his handsome features a more rugged appearance. She’d never looked into eyes filled with such emotion. Never looked at a more entreating expression. Never been moved by such a haunted countenance.

Never beheld anyone so beautiful.

No wonder Rosie had fallen helplessly in love with him. No wonder she’d given herself to him without the bonds of marriage. No wonder she hadn’t considered that the man she loved with all her heart didn’t love her as much. Didn’t love her enough to even remember her name.

If he’d looked at Rosie even once with the same intensity as he was looking at her right now, Millie couldn’t blame her sister for what she’d done.

A painful stabbing of guilt attacked a place deep inside her breast. She didn’t want to have these feelings. She didn’t want to feel anything for the man her sister had loved. “I need to go inside.”

Millie turned, but Roarke clasped his fingers around her upper arms and stopped her. “I can’t let you leave until you tell me what it is you think I’ve done. So I can make amends.”

She slowly shook her head. “It’s too late. Nothing can be gained by telling you now. I regret that I ever mentioned it.”

He brought her up against him and trapped her against his warmth.

His body was solid, yet magnificently comforting. She wanted to lean into him, but knew that would be the most dangerous move she’d ever made.

“You should have thought of that before. You shouldn’t have allowed me to see how special you are, then expected me not to care for you.”

“I’m not special,” Millie argued. “I’m not—”

“Oh, but you are,” he whispered, then brought his lips down over hers.

His kiss was gentle, his lips warm and firm. As if he knew an act of aggression would frighten her, he didn’t make any demands that would make her feel uncomfortable. He simply…kissed her.

Millie knew she should break off their kiss. Knew she should push him away from her. But the emotions that surged through her were so intense she couldn’t bear to stop him. This experience was foreign to her, so enjoyable she didn’t want it to end.

She didn’t want to give in to the emotions he caused, but how could she not. She’d had so little experience.

His kisses stirred to life parts of her body she didn’t know supported life. His kisses caused a rush of heat to settle deep in her belly, then travel lower to a place she knew she shouldn’t allow to feel anything. And he deepened his kisses.

His mouth opened atop hers. His tongue skimmed her lips until she parted for him. And his tongue entered her mouth.

Her world tilted on its axis, her head spun in confusion. Her knees weakened beneath her and she wrapped her arms around his neck to hold
herself upright. Oh, how could a kiss do this? How could the touching of two people’s lips cause such upheaval? How could such a simple act cause her to lose control like this?

Millie matched the intensity of his kisses as desperately as a starving man grabbed food when he was offered a loaf of bread. As a man dying of thirst took huge gulps of water after being deprived for too long.

That’s what Millie felt. That she’d been deprived of emotion her whole life and the second a crumb of passion came within reach, she seized it with every fiber of her being.

Roarke tilted his head to gain better access, and Millie acquiesced. She’d never battled such emotions, such sensations.

He deepened his kiss and a low moan echoed in the nighttime air. The sound had come from her. It was the sound of a woman in the throes of passion. The sound of a woman about to lose control.

Wave after wave of guilt and regret rushed through her.

Oh, Rosie. What have I done? Forgive me.

Millie turned her head to break the kiss, but found she lacked the strength to stand on her own. She was forced to cling to Roarke while she heaved to take in the air she needed to breathe.

“Don’t move,” he whispered, keeping his arms around her. “I’ve got you.”

Even though she didn’t want to, Millie was forced to obey his instructions. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his laboring chest. From his ragged gasps of air, it was as difficult for him to breathe as it was for her.

Step away from him,
a voice from deep inside her screamed in warning.
Step away now!

Millie dropped her arms from around him and pushed herself away from him.
Oh, Rosie! I’m so sorry, Rosie!

Millie’s legs were unsteady when she separated herself from him, but she put one foot behind the other until they were no longer touching.

“Are you all right?” He reached out to steady her.

Millie pushed his hands away.

“You can’t deny there’s something between us, Millie.”

“There’s nothing between us. Nothing!”

“Yes, there is. And the kiss we just shared proves there is.”

Millie shook her head. She wondered if this is what Roarke Livingston told Rosie before he seduced her. Millie wondered if he thought she was as gullible and naïve as her sister had been.

Millie looked up. Her gaze locked with his, and all she saw was the confident look of a cat about to devour his lunch.

Fury consumed every part of her being. She pulled back her hand and slapped his face as hard as she could.

CHAPTER 6

Millie went through her day as if in a trance.

Last night seemed like a thousand years ago. Like only a moment ago. Like a nightmare she was still living, a dream she was swept up in.

He’d kissed her. And heaven help her—she’d kissed him back. Nothing had ever affected her like that one single act.

There were times when she could still feel his lips against hers. When the fiery emotions that surged through her with such intensity came to life again. She’d never been consumed by anything so powerful in her life.

No wonder she’d reacted as she had.

Her fingers still felt the sting from slapping him.

Millie halted on her way down the steps and clung to the railing as if she was in danger of toppling to the bottom of the stairs. She’d never struck another person in her life. Never reacted with such violence. If the violator had been anyone other than Roarke Livingston, and if the violation had been anything other than a kiss that still shook her to her bones, she’d feel compelled to apologize. But her cheeks blazed hot when she thought of how she’d reacted to that kiss. How she’d given herself over to him. No, she wouldn’t apologize. She’d never let him think she was sorry she’d slapped him for what he’d done. In fact, she’d do everything in her power to forget that kiss. And the man who had kissed her.

Millie continued down the steps with a renewed sense of purpose. She would tell Lord Strothum what she’d found out from Annie, then return to the nursery. From now on, Janie could take the children on their daily outings to the park. Millie would stay behind with the baby. She’d avoid seeing him, or talking to him, or being near him.

“Good afternoon, Miss Shaw,” Rogers said in greeting when she reached the bottom of the stairs. “I have to say you look much better than the last time I saw you.”

“I feel much better, Rogers. Much better. At least I can remember what I did this morning.”

“You gave us all quite a fright.”

The concern in Rogers’ voice took her back to her childhood. If she had to name one person who was an anchoring post in a harsh storm, that person would be Brian Rogers. She’d known him her whole life. He’d
lived in the same village as she and Rosie and had watched them grow up.

Brian’s father had been the local schoolmaster, and her father and Brian’s father had been good friends. Brian wasn’t that much older than she was, just seven or eight years, and he’d always taken an interest in them. Especially after their parents died and she and Rose were left on their own.

He’d been like an older brother to her and Rosie. Even after he got his post as butler in Lord Strothum’s household, he came back to make sure she and Rosie had enough food on their table, or weren’t being bothered by any of the local lads who always hung around the Shaw residence.

In fact, she herself had obtained her position with Lord and Lady Strothum because of Brian Rogers. Brian had told her when the position opened. Then he recommended her for the post. She owed him so much. Before Roarke Livingston entered their lives, she even thought she might have him for a brother-in-law.

Now, the two of them shared an unspoken grief because Rosie was no longer a part of their lives. Because she was little more than a memory. And at times, Millie thought Rogers blamed himself for what happened. That he thought that if he hadn’t hesitated so long to court her, and propose to her, Rosie would be his wife and would be safe.

But that was in the past. And Roarke Livingston was a stark reminder of what they’d lost. The sooner she helped Lord Strothum discover who Jimmy Jamison worked for, the sooner Roarke Livingston would be out of their lives.

“Is Lord Strothum in?” Millie asked.

“No, Miss Shaw. He’s out. He left word that he wouldn’t be in until late this evening.”

“Oh,” she said.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No. I just have some information to relay to him. What about Mr. Conway? Is he available?”

“I’m afraid he’s not in either. Only Mr. Livingston is here.”

Millie paused, then lifted her gaze when Brian Rogers placed his hand on her arm.

“Millie, be careful around him. He’s trouble. You, more than anyone, know that. He’s the one who took Rosie away from us.”

Millie couldn’t hide her surprise. Of course she knew what Roarke Livingston had done, but she didn’t know Rogers knew. She didn’t think anyone else knew.

“Yes, I know he’s the one who ruined our Rosie. I also know he’s
Robbie’s father, although he’s never been any kind of a father to the lad.”

“How did you find out?” Millie asked.

“That’s not important. What’s important is protecting Robbie. We can’t let Livingston find out Robbie’s his. If he does, he’ll take him away from us, and you know it.”

Millie’s blood turned to ice and she reached out to steady herself.

Rogers stepped closer and lowered his voice. “Has he been bothering you? You’d tell me if he has, wouldn’t you?”

Millie nodded. “Yes, I’d tell you. But he hasn’t bothered me.”

“Because if he has been—”

Rogers stopped mid-sentence and his gaze focused on someone over her left shoulder.

Millie turned to see who that someone was, although the knot in her stomach told her she knew.

“Good afternoon, Rogers. Miss Shaw.”

His deep, rich voice brought back vivid memories of their conversation from last night. Her heart raced in her breast.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Livingston,” she and Rogers said at the same time.

“Is there something I can help you with, Miss Shaw?” Roarke Livingston asked.

“No,” Rogers said in a firm tone. “The lady was asking for Lord Strothum. I told her his lordship was out at the moment.”

“Yes, Lord Strothum has several meetings today and this evening. Perhaps I can give him a message.”

Rogers took a protective step toward her. “The lady said—”

“It’s all right, Rogers. I can give Mr. Livingston my message. I’m sure he will relay it to Lord Strothum.”

“Are you sure, Miss Shaw?”

“Yes, Rogers. I’m sure.”

“Very well. His lordship’s study is empty. You may use it for a few moments.”

Rogers led the way to Lord Strothum’s study, then opened the door to allow them to enter.

“I’ll be right outside, should you need anything, Miss Shaw. You only need to call.”

“Thank you, Rogers.” Millie gave Rogers the most reassuring smile she could muster, then entered the room. She walked to the window and looked out onto the garden beyond the terrace. She needed to put as much distance between herself and Roarke Livingston as possible.

She heard the door close behind her and knew she was alone with
him. Neither of them spoke for several long moments.

“Do you expect an apology?” he asked from across the room.

Millie didn’t turn around. She wasn’t sure she had the courage to face him just yet. “Do you think an apology is due me?”

“No.”

She turned. “Do you expect an apology from me, then?” she asked.

“Would you offer one if I did?”

She stared at him with a narrowed gaze. “No.”

“I didn’t think so.” He stepped across the room. “May I at least have your promise that you won’t slap me again?”

“As long as you don’t try to kiss me again.”

His eyebrows shot upward. “I didn’t
try
to kiss you, Miss Shaw. I did a damn thorough job of it. And you enjoyed it.”

“I didn’t enjoy it.”

“I’ve kissed enough females in my life to know when someone enjoys being kissed, and when they don’t. And you, my dear, definitely enjoyed kissing me. Just as I enjoyed kissing you.”

Millie turned away from him and looked out the window again. “I don’t ever want a repeat of last night.”

“Why?”

“The reason isn’t important. All that is important is that you understand that I never want you to kiss me again.”

“Is this because of the mysterious unpardonable sin I am supposed to have committed? The transgression that I’m not allowed to know that I committed?”

“No. The reason is because I don’t want anything to do with you. I never want you to kiss me again. Contrary to what you may think, I didn’t appreciate being mauled by you. The experience isn’t something I want to suffer through again.”

“I see,” he said.

“I hope you do. Because I won’t allow it. The next time I will go to your employer and lodge a formal complaint against you.”

“Then rest assured, Miss Shaw. I will never force my unwanted attentions upon you again.”

Millie fought the withering guilt that churned inside her. She wasn’t proud of herself for lying, but what choice did she have? She couldn’t tell him the truth. Couldn’t tell him that she’d never enjoyed anything like she’d enjoyed kissing him.

“Since I’m sure being in my company is equally as unpleasant,” he said, “perhaps you’d like to tell me what message you’d like relayed to Lord Strothum so you can leave.”

“Yes. It’s about Annie. I spoke with her a few moments ago.”

The look on Roarke Livingston’s face changed. “Did you discover anything that might be useful?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Please, sit down.”

He pointed to a chair facing Lord Strothum’s desk, then walked behind the desk. When Millie sat, he did too, then reached for a piece of paper and a pen. “What did she say?”

“Beth had the story right. Annie and Jimmy were indeed sweethearts. According to Annie, Jimmy had asked her to marry him. He told her that he was about to come into some money, and that as soon as he did, they’d get married.”

“Did she say how he was going to come into this money?”

“No. She assumed he was going to get a promotion.”

“Did she say what kind of promotion?”

Millie shook her head. “He didn’t say. Annie thought since his lordship’s valet had mentioned retiring and going to his daughter’s to live, that might be the promotion he was talking about.”

“Did she mention any friends Jimmy had?”

“She talked about a friend he’d meet on his days off. She called him Freddy. She couldn’t remember his last name. She thought it was something like Beeks, or Beekman. She said she’d only met this Freddy once, and didn’t like him.”

“Did she tell Jimmy she didn’t like him?”

“She said she did, but Jimmy told her Freddy was the answer to all their problems.”

“I see.” He made several notes on the paper in front of him. “Did she say anything else?”

“She said a great deal more amid her tears. But it was all about her feelings for Jimmy. She was truly in love with him, and was convinced he was in love with her.” Millie stopped as she tried to remember anything else Annie had said. “Oh, one more thing. Annie mentioned that Jimmy told her that his lordship was more important than any of the staff realized. And that he had something that certain people would pay a lot of money to get their hands on.”

“Did she say what that was?”

Millie shook her head. “Annie said she didn’t like it when Jimmy talked about his lordship like that. Not after all the good things he and Lady Strothum had done for the staff. That every time he brought his lordship into the conversation, she stopped him.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No, that was all she said. I’m sorry I wasn’t of more help.”

“No, you were a great help. We have a name we didn’t have before.
Hopefully, that will lead us to more names. Or, better yet, to the person who wanted the papers Lord Strothum has badly enough to hire Jimmy to steal them.”

“You’ll give this information to Lord Strothum?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you,” Millie said, then rose. There was nothing more to say to him. She turned to leave. When she reached the door, his words stopped her.

“You can be assured, Miss Shaw, that from this moment on, you need not concern yourself over my behavior. What happened last night will never happen again. And, I will do my best to avoid being in your company.”

Words refused to come, and Millie nodded curtly, then opened the door and left him.

This was for the best. Avoiding him was the only choice she had.

. . . . .

“Have you looked outside, Miss Millie?” Master Henry said excitedly as he raced away from the window. “It’s not raining today. Can we go to the park? Please.”

Robbie joined in. “You said if it wasn’t raining when we finished reading that we could go to the park.”

“I said, if it wasn’t raining, I’d
think
about taking you to the park.”

“Yes,” Henry said, in a diplomatic manner, “but I heard you tell Miss Janie that you hoped it wasn’t raining this afternoon ’cause we hadn’t been able to go out for three days and you were tired of being indoors.”

Millie heard Janie’s snicker from the table where she and Beth were busy drawing pictures.

Millie didn’t turn around. She knew if she saw Janie laugh, she wouldn’t be able to hold her composure. “It’s not polite to listen in on other people’s conversations, Master Henry.”