Bedrock (4 page)

“Come on. Don’t run. Let me explain.”

Addie felt like a fist was lodged in her throat. “What is there
to explain?” she choked out.

Patrick kissed her forehead, brushed her hair away from her face,
and hugged her so tightly Addie was afraid she might suffocate. Her mind raced,
yet she was numb all at the same time. Feeling Patrick’s arms around her and
the love between them, it suddenly became clear to her exactly what she had to
do.

“You’re right and we both know it.” She said flatly.

Patrick smiled weakly before he picked her up. Addie wrapped her
legs around his waist as he carried her to his bedroom. He placed her softly on
the bed, where he made love to her gently, as if she might break, as if they
both might break. He kissed her face and searched her eyes, whispering, “I love
you and I’m so sorry,” over and over. It tore Addie apart, literally ripped her
heart in two. But she didn’t respond; instead, she showed him everything she
couldn’t say in the way she made love to him. When they were both sweaty and
emotionally and physically depleted, Patrick curled up next to her, his head on
her stomach. They lay there, staring at the ceiling for hours, without saying a
word. Once she was sure Patrick had finally fallen asleep and she was certain
that he was in a deep sleep, Addie got up and silently dressed. After she
gathered her things, she stood for a moment watching him sleep. Finally, she
gently kissed his cheek, and then quietly tiptoed out of his apartment and straight
out of his life.

The next few months were a blur as Addie dated a flurry
of men. On the inside, she was devastated. Not only had she lost her boyfriend
and lover but her best friend. Her future. On the outside, however, Addie was
the life of the party. “Finally living,” she told everyone.

Thankfully, Addie never ran into Patrick. She tried to avoid all
of the places they had gone, places where she thought he might be. In the first
few weeks after they split, Addie had received dozens of emails and several
phone calls from him. She never answered, deleting the voicemails. Addie read
the first email, mostly by mistake. She had been drunk, her defenses down. In
the email, Patrick explained that he loved her but that his parents had
threatened to cut off their financial support if he continued seeing her. He
apologized, saying that he would do anything if she would just talk to him. He
said he missed her and their friendship.
Fuck him. She had enough friends.
She deleted it without responding. Once, when she was out, Patrick stopped by,
hoping to see her. Apparently, Jessica had given him a piece of her mind in
such a way that Patrick finally stopped trying.

During that time, Addie threw herself into her schoolwork and
spent all of her free time living it up. It was only after the party that the
truth would show, and usually it was Jessica who had to clean up the mess.

After about the twelfth or so guy Addie casually “dated,” which
really meant slept with, she met Carter. Carter was a beautiful, tough, rugby
player. He was a known playboy, also the life of the party. They met at his
fraternity’s kegger and had a one-night stand, of which Addie remembered very
little. Afterwards, Carter called incessantly, hoping it would become a three-
or four-night stand. But Addie wanted nothing to do with him. Her heart was
broken, and she wasn’t looking to date, especially not someone like Carter.
Hell, in the daylight, she didn’t even like him. But Carter was relentless and
Addie was lonely, and soon he and Addie were spending a lot of time together, mostly
in bed. Or wherever, really. Carter was Mr. Fun, Mr. Help Her Forget. He was
gorgeous and crazy about her. But Addie knew she would never, could never, love
him. Her only investment was time.

About three months in to “dating” Carter, they bumped into
Patrick at a party. He waltzed right up to her and Carter, interrupted their
conversation and introduced his beautiful date, Shelly.
Some nerve.

The four of them made small talk until Addie, feeling sick to her
stomach, excused herself to the ladies’ room. Unbeknownst to her, Patrick
followed. He pushed open the stall door and found her leaning against the wall,
panting, trying to catch her breath.

Addie rolled her eyes and attempted to close the door, pushing
against it to no avail.
Patrick was stronger than she was by a long
shot.
“What the fuck? You can’t be in here.”

Not budging, Patrick glared at her, his eyes dark. “Are you happy
with him?”

“Ha! How about nice to see you? How have you been? No.
This
is where you want to start?”

“Addison, answer me. Are
you
happy?”

Addie crossed her arms, glaring at him before finally speaking.
“What fucking business is it of yours?”

Patrick laughed.

Addie stared at the floor, unwilling to give him the satisfaction
of seeing her cry. Patrick pushed his way further into the stall, locking the
door behind him. For a moment they just stood there staring at one another, and
before Addie could say anything, Patrick grabbed both sides of her face and
fell into her, kissing her deeply. Soon, hands were everywhere. Patrick pushed
her skirt up, lifting her slightly, forcing her back up against the wall as he
slammed into her. He pushed into her hard and fast. Addie dug her nails into
his back, which only made him push harder. They grabbed fistfuls of hair,
unable to take their eyes off one another, their passion and their eyes saying
everything they couldn’t. When he was finished, Patrick slowly pulled away.

Breathless, he bent down and kissed her bare shoulder. “Goddamn,
Addison. I’ve missed you so much.”

Addie smoothed her skirt, trying to gain composure. She refused
to let herself get hurt again. “Look, this . . . This was a mistake.” Even as
the words escaped her lips, Addie knew full well she was lying, even to
herself.

Patrick searched her eyes. “Are you drunk?”

“No. Why?”

Addie opened the stall door, sighing in relief that they were
alone.

She stepped out as Patrick grabbed her by the arm. “Leave with
me. Now. Out the back door.”

Addie frowned, rubbing her arm. “What about Shelly?”

“Who?” Patrick chuckled, flashing his signature grin.

Addie punched his forearm. “Your date, asshole.”

Patrick grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers, ushering
her toward the exit. “She’ll be fine.”

The next morning, Addie woke up alone in Patrick’s bed,
angry with herself. After all she had been through only to wind up back here
nearly brought her to tears.

She checked her phone. Six missed calls and two voicemails, all
from Carter.
Shit. He was going to be pissed.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Patrick said, opening the bedroom door
and interrupting her thoughts. “Coffee?” he said, thrusting a tray in her
direction.

Addie slid upwards to a sitting position as he placed the tray
over her knees. “Thanks.”

As Addie lifted the mug to her lips, she noticed something in
Patrick’s face change: a thought, a look, she couldn’t place. She took another
sip of her coffee as he slid off the bed. She picked up a piece of bacon and
took a bite before realizing what it was he was doing.

Seeing him there, kneeling on one knee, holding the little blue
box, caused her to choke on the bacon. She tried another sip of coffee.
Finally, clearing her throat, Addie chuckled and waved him off, but Patrick
didn’t budge.

“Addison, will you marry me?”

Addie blinked, pinching herself to make sure she was awake.

Patrick pinched her too.

“Ouch.”

“You’re awake.” He said smiling. “And I asked you a question.”

Addie’s heart began racing. “Wait! You’re serious?”

“Look, I was dumb enough to lose you once and I’m sorry. So
fucking sorry. But I’m smart enough to know that I don’t want it to ever happen
again. Please, Addison? Say you’ll marry me.”

So many things ran through her mind in that moment: of course,
the how, when, and where, and the what-ifs. But mostly, it was the realization
of what she had known all along: that she loved him. He was the one. She
couldn’t let him go, not again. If she did, it would break her for good. They
would figure it out. They had to.

“Yes. I’ll marry you.” Addie replied as hot tears spilled out,
stinging her cheeks.

Four

Unlike most brides to be, planning a wedding didn’t
stress Addie one bit. She had hers planned by the time she was six. That year,
her class took a field trip downtown to the Botanical Gardens, and as soon as
Addie stepped foot in the rose garden, she proceeded to let everyone know that
it was where she would get married one day. That very evening she went home and
planned it all out, down to the very last detail. Of course, she would wear
white and her bridesmaids a pale shade of blue. And as it turned out, things didn’t
change so very much between the time she was six and twenty-five.

In 2003, Addie and Patrick were married on a beautiful spring
afternoon in front of 200 of their closest friends and family. It was
everything that Addie had always dreamed it would be. The roses were in full
bloom. A string quartet played in the background. The reception followed
underneath a big white tent, beneath the willow trees and a bright full moon.
It was stunningly beautiful. The bride and groom and their guests danced into
the wee hours of the morning. As Patrick waltzed Addie across the dance floor,
she smiled and thought to herself:
With a wedding as perfect as this, how
could the life together that followed not be just so?

It was almost two years to the day they married that Addie gave
birth to their first child: a son named Connor. She and Patrick had discussed
Addie going off of the pill and trying for a baby, but it was safe to say that
neither of them expected it to happen so very quickly. Addie was, of course,
more ready than Patrick, who would have preferred a few more years to focus
solely on his career. But when Addie wanted something, she was persistent, and
Patrick enjoyed the practice.

It was also safe to say that they were both wholly unprepared for
the drastic changes that becoming parents would bring to their lives. Addie had
planned on continuing her career after the baby arrived, and for the first six
months, she did just that.

Unfortunately, her plan didn’t last long. Connor was a colicky
baby who cried constantly. Those days, there was very little sleep going on in
their house. Addie found herself pacing the halls with Connor at all hours of
the night while he screamed and screamed. There were endless doctor
appointments followed by visits to various specialists, who all seemed to
confirm what the last had said. Connor was perfectly healthy.

There were numerous calls to Jessica during that time, which
Addie was certain kept her sane.

“They say he’s fine. The doctors . . . I just don’t get it,
Jessica. They’re freaking doctors, and they can’t give me an answer. They just
tell us he’s fine and that he’ll grow out of it. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m doing
something wrong.”

Jessica sighed. “Honey, it’s not you. If the doctors say he’s
fine, then believe them. It’s not you. You’re a great mother. Anyone can see
that. Connor is fine. Some babies just cry more often than others. He is your
son after all. Remember how much you cried in college? Every twenty eight days
or so.”

Addie laughed. “I didn’t cry that often.”

“Well, you certainly cried more than I did, and that’s saying
something.”

Addie felt lucky that she could call Jessica and Jessica would
talk her down, but it was during the hellishly long nights that Addie felt the
walls closing in on her. She began to understand how parents could physically
harm their child. For two people who were so used to being in control of their
lives, it was a helpless feeling. And where there had been so much joy in their
house, suddenly everything had changed in nine short months. Now, it seemed
there were only uncertainty, time, and the waiting game.

Since Patrick did not function very well without sleep, Addie
assumed most of the nighttime caregiving, which was something she quickly found
herself incredibly resentful of. Even then, Patrick still found it difficult to
sleep well with all of the crying going on. His performance began lacking at work,
his drive diminished, and for that he, too, grew resentful. The seemingly
endless nights and days full of doctor’s appointments made for a lot of lost
time at work for Addie. During the eight weeks that Addie took maternity leave,
she could not wait to return to work. Instead of dreading each passing day as
so many of her friends had, knowing that she’d have to leave her baby when her
time was up, she silently counted the days until she got to return to work.

She had a nanny lined up to start two weeks before her return so
that she and baby Connor could get acclimated to one another. But after two
short days of Connor’s endless crying, the nanny quit. Patrick came home from
work to find Connor screaming in his crib and Addie lying on the bathroom floor
sobbing. “What’s wrong, Addison? What are you doing in here?”

Addie didn’t answer for a while. She remained quiet until Patrick
asked again. “The nanny quit.”

Patrick frowned. “Ok?”

“Ok? OK! That’s all you have to say? OK? Look Patrick, I’m
fucking exhausted. I mean I’m tired enough as it is. I can’t even put him down
for two seconds. Now, I have to go through the hiring process all over again, and
all you have to say is ok!”

Patrick stood and walked to the door. “I’m going for a run.
Clearly, we should talk about this when you’re not so emotional.”

Addie picked up the closest thing to her, a hairbrush, and hurled
it at the door, just as it slammed shut.

Although she and Patrick barely spoke for the next few days, thankfully,
Addie was able to hire a second nanny with a week to spare before her return to
work. That nanny lasted all of that week until the Friday before her return to
work when nanny number two simply did not show up. Admittedly, she saw it
coming. Hell, she even empathized with the woman and wondered if she too could
just quit.

In the end, Addie added a week to her maternity leave,
though it shortly became very clear that this week would need to become two.
Addie did finally hire an elderly nanny named Sue. Sue had raised more children
than she could count. Unfortunately, by the time Addie found herself back in
the office, many of her big projects had been handed off to her colleagues.

Addie was a mess. Her life had become unrecognizable. She felt
like a shell of her former self. For one thing, she had lost a lot of weight.
All of the baby weight had gone and then some. Her appearance had become pale and
sickly, and her hair was falling out. She had trouble focusing; her mind was
cloudy. She often wondered if she might be suffering from postpartum depression;
although, it really didn’t matter one way or the other. Even if she were, she
would never admit it, not to herself and especially not to anyone else.

The harder it became to hold it all together, the more Patrick
asked Addie to quit her job permanently. At first, the conversation occurred
weekly. Addie found herself not wanting to talk to her husband about the issues
she was facing or complain about the exhaustion because she knew what he would
say. Towards the end, it came up daily. “I just don’t understand, Addison. My
mom never worked, and I turned out pretty good, don’t ’cha think? It’s not like
we need the money. So what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I want to work. But most of all, I don’t
want to become
your
mother. So I’d appreciate it if you’d leave her out
of this.”

Patrick crossed his arms. “What’s wrong with my mother?”

“Nothing, Patrick. Nothing is wrong with her. As you can see, she
raised such an understanding, intuitive man.”

Patrick sighed, grabbing his things from the table. “Good then.
It’s settled.”

Addie had never felt so alone in her life. All of her friends
loved being mothers. Sure, they were a little sleep deprived, but they were
happy. Having babies seemed to only enrich their lives, whereas, for Addie, she
felt as though hers was a complete and utter mess.

Addie lasted exactly four months before she finally gave in to
Patrick’s demands that she quit. He assured her that she would feel better
without all of the pressure to do it all. On one hand, Addie thought that maybe
Patrick was right. She did feel a ton of pressure. And all of her friends who
had had children and now stayed at home seemed really happy with their choices.
They’d all said that they wouldn’t have it any other way. So Addie gave her
notice and tried not to look back. She was afraid that if she did, she wouldn’t
like the reflection staring back at her.

Once Addie quit her job, she threw herself in to
motherhood. She became consumed by it, and she found that Patrick was happier.
Baby Connor was finally coming around, finally turning in to a chubby little
thing that cooed and even smiled on occasion. While he cried less, he still
cried
a lot.
There were days when Addie found herself laying Connor in
his crib during one of his screaming fits and walking outside. She’d sit on the
front porch for so long that sometimes she couldn’t be sure how long she had
stayed out there. Was it minutes or hours? Time seemed inconsequential. The
days dragged on, bled from one to another, all seeming exactly the same.
Minutes gave way to hours and the hours into days then months. Addie wondered
what she did to deserve this. She wondered why she wasn’t good enough and how
she could fail at something that was supposed to be innate. Who failed at
motherhood, anyway?
Why
couldn’t she love being a mother the way her
friends did? And just how did she get here, in this place, where the girl, or
was it woman now, didn’t even recognize herself? Still, she said nothing. She
endured and smiled through her unhappiness, all the while promising never to
let herself become
this
invisible again.

Thankfully, somewhere around Connor’s first birthday, things
gradually started to shift. He started sleeping for six hours at a stretch,
allowing Addie to finally get some uninterrupted sleep. He started walking more
and crying less. Addie became happier too, finding little pieces of herself
again. Patrick was as involved in his career as ever, but you could tell that,
as Connor was becoming more of a little boy, Patrick found it easier to
interact with him. Sometimes on Saturdays, Patrick would take Connor to
breakfast and the park, leaving Addie with almost a half a day to herself.

It was also around this time that Addie and Patrick started
communicating again. Before, it was all the same: the feedings, the changings,
and the crying, but now that Connor was doing so many new things each day, there
was more to discuss. It was also around this time that the sex life that they
both had once enjoyed so much, the glue that had always held them together,
started to come back. Slowly but surely, they became a couple again and, with
that, a family—the kind of family that Addie had always wanted. Sure it wasn’t
the perfect sitcom family she once thought it would be, but it was perfectly
hers, and for that she was grateful. She couldn’t ask for more.