Before He Was Gone: Starstruck Book 2 (8 page)

I drink from my beer and take in the full panorama in the moonlight. I can just make out the lights on another small island – it’s where we think the crew’s camp is. The stars are a blanket of twinkly polka dots and it all reminds me of Chloe’s photos from Bali. The island can’t be too far away from here, like Shan said. It’s the place she and Noah took their first romantic vacation.

‘I’ll take you there one day,’ Sebastian promised me when they got back, all tanned and more in love than any couple I’ve ever seen.

He never did.

A cough behind me in the silence. I turn my head in the darkness and my heart leaps against my ribcage when I see him. Joshua. He’s walking towards me along the shoreline. His bandana is tied around his head again; his silhouette is all man. I just went for a swim so I’m not even wearing my dumb bandana skirt. I clench the beer bottle to me. For some reason, since that stupid dream, I feel more naked around him than I should. I thought everyone else was sleeping.

‘Can’t stay away from the ocean, huh Pisces?’ he says, reaching me.

‘It’s kind of tough to here, but yeah, water’s a weakness,’ I reply, noting that he’s holding a coconut.

‘You should drink this now, instead of beer,’ he says, climbing effortlessly up and sitting beside me. ‘Nature’s very own rehydration elixir.’

I arch an eyebrow as I take it from him. I can’t believe we share the same birthday – that’s kind of crazy, considering there are ten of us and we’ve been thrown together purely for our differences.

‘Thanks. You don’t drink?’ I say, putting the beer down behind me on the rock. It's been kind of nice, having a blurry brain for a while.

‘No ma’am.’

‘Ever?’

‘I like to keep my wits about me.’

‘So the animal never lets loose?’

‘I don’t need alcohol for that,’ he says.

‘I’m sure.’ I say it calmly, but his obvious flirtation makes my skin prickle and so does his entire ripped body now, glistening like some kind of sea god next to me. His biceps look bulkier in the low light as he leans back on his arms, dangling his feet in the water.
Vogue shoot
, I think again, almost smiling.

I want to thank him for sticking up for me back there with Jaxx tonight, but for some reason I know he’d just shrug it off. I’ve noticed Joshua’s as spontaneous with his words and actions as I am; as passionate. Two emotional drifters on one island, Journey called us, like she was binding us together. I saw how he looked uncomfortable at that.

‘Greek restaurant,’ he says from out of nowhere. ‘Sounds good. How’s your baklava?’

His words make my stomach jolt. Sebastian loved my baklava. ‘It’s OK,’ I say, eyes to the ocean.

‘You want to be a famous chef or something? You must have connections. You could have a TV show of your own after this – get Shan in an apron, getting you drunk while you do it. I can see that, already.’

‘What I knew of fame never did me any favors,’ I tell him, smiling. ‘I don’t want fame for fame's sake.’

He’s quiet as he looks at me, then out at the moon. ‘I don’t blame you,’ he says.

I turn to him. ‘I just want to make good food. This is a crowded planet – people craving fame just want other people to know who they are, right? Fame is an illusion ayway. It’s a bunch of projections.’

‘Projections?’ he repeats with intrigue as I swig from the coconut. I nod. ‘I think about that a lot here. What’s real, what isn’t? Don’t you?’

‘I do, actually,’ he says, glancing at the camera guy coming at us from the beach. ‘I think a lot about everything, here.’

‘I imagine if it was just
me
here,' I say, 'just me and the sea and the sand flies and the birds, and this coconut.’ I hold it up between us. ‘I imagine if none of the photographers or the stories about me and Sebastian ever affected me again. They could still talk about me, I guess, but if I didn’t know about it, would I still be a famous person? Or would I just be me again?’

‘What do you mean
again?
You’re already just
you
,’ he says. A line appears between his dark eyebrows as I turn to look at him. ‘Maybe through fame you’ve been defining yourself as something else without even realizing it.’

‘Maybe,’ I say into his eyes. He's seriously intoxicating. Or is it the beers?

‘
You
is all you can ever be.’ He takes the coconut back, swigs from it. 

‘Well, yes,' I say. 'If you believe what other people say about you, good or bad, you
project
other people’s crap onto yourself and then you just go off-track, right? Spiritually, mentally, karmically…’

‘All of the above,’ he says. ‘So, why don’t you just forget about all that while you’re here?’

‘I’m trying to, trust me.’

‘They don’t even know the real you.’

‘And you
do?
’ I laugh suddenly.

Joshua smiles, runs his finger round the rim of the coconut. ‘Some people are summer, and some people are winter,’ he says softly after a moment, but I’m just looking at the ocean now, trying not to fall. I know the beer is still in my bloodstream but the sheer intensity of him is making me want to do bad things. Looks aside, Joshua is probably the most insightful person I’ve held a conversation with in months.

‘You’re summer, Alyssa,’ he follows, but before I can say anything he’s throwing me a curveball: ‘Did you love him?’

‘Sebastian? Yes, of course.’ 

I say it fast, on autopilot, but the sparks igniting invisibly between us make me stop. ‘I don’t know,’ I admit, looking at my bare feet on the rocks.

‘You don’t know?’

I shrug. ‘It all seemed so great. But maybe love was just part of the illusion.’

‘What do you mean?’

I glance at the camera and Joshua puts a hand to my back. His touch makes my heart skid. ‘Fuck, Alyssa, I’m sorry. That’s none of my business...’

‘He was never really there, even when he was,’ I say anyway. ‘He was always someplace else. Usually his music.’ 

‘His first love?’ he says, moving his hand and I nod slowly.

‘Maybe his only love. But I put up with it.’ 

It's true. I did put up with it. I flash back over our entire relationship suddenly like a movie - from the first kiss, the first night to the last time; the conversations we used to have. Sebastian worshipped me and I reveled in his adoration when he was focused fully on me. But even in those moments, did he ever set my mind on fire? Did he ever
really
scratch lines across my soul? 

When he ditched me I didn't know whether I was broken-hearted or humiliated. Maybe I was a bit of both, but that's not how it's supposed to be, right? If Chloe lost Noah she'd die; she'd break to pieces and
die
, whereas I still don't know exactly how I feel. I'm just somewhere else now, processing it all, but the same stupid stuff is going round in my brain: what do people think of me? What are people saying? I never classed myself as shallow, but maybe I am.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I shouldn’t have drunk all these beers. Chloe says they make me emotional. 

‘What about you?’ I say, forcing the lump from my throat away and opening my eyes. ‘Any significant others?’

Joshua studies my face. His eyes move to my lips. ‘There was a girl.’

‘Was?’

‘English,’ he says, lowering his eyes. ‘She wanted more than I could give her.’

‘Why couldn’t you have given her more?’

‘It wouldn’t have been a good idea.’

‘Why?’

A look I can’t read flashes across his features. He reaches out, runs a hot thumb over a coconut splash on my lips. ‘Forget him,’ he says without answering me. ‘He wasn’t the one.’

What? 

I feel my eyes widen but he looks away, like he regrets what he just said and did. The urge to fill the silence is excruciating as I draw my legs up on the rocks. Wow. I was not expecting that. Joshua just said
exactly
what I've been trying not to think.
‘Maybe he just wasn’t ready for me,’ I manage after a moment, resting my chin on my crossed arms and letting out a sigh. 

'Wasn't ready for you?'

‘My friend Chloe leant me this book about souls. It said how sometimes a soul doesn’t recognize a mate at first because the fears from past lives kick into the subconscious and force you to push them away.’

Joshua throws a pebble from the rock out to the flat shallows. Amusement crosses his face. ‘Soul mates?’ 

The feel of his fingertips is still buzzing across my lips. 
‘That’s her and Noah, at least,’ I carry on. ‘You should see them. In reality I mean. She saw this psychic in New York once who told her they’d had almost thirty lives together. Can you believe that?’

He frowns. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘How do you know?’ I press. ‘How do you know
we
didn’t meet in a past life, horoscope twin?’

Joshua grins as a crab scuttles past my feet. ‘You want to talk reincarnation now?’

‘These things happen when we don’t have smartphones.’

He laughs. ‘I’ve never had a smartphone, but I like the way your mind works. A past life,’ he muses. ‘Do you think we fucked something up? Is that why we’re back here, Alyssa? Stranded with a bunch of strangers, drifting…’

‘Emotionally
drifting, don’t forget,’ I follow and he rolls his eyes at Journey’s words.

‘And this island is just a… a what? A weird little microcosm of the bigger world?’ 

‘Maybe. Maybe we’re just two souls, forced here to acknowledge what we would’ve otherwise missed,’ I say. ‘This is deep, Joshua.’

He nods his head thoughtfully. ‘Deep, Double G. What do you think we’re missing?’

‘Maybe we’ll never know,’ I say.

‘Maybe we won’t.’

He’s looking straight into my eyes. Every nerve-ending in my body is in flames as he holds my gaze and I hold my breath. For one crazy second I think he’s actually going to kiss me, right here under the stars in this weird new world we're creating by the second, but he turns away, back to the water.

‘Aren’t you just encouraging more attention, being here?’ he says after a moment. It feels like he just threw a concrete wall back up between us.
What the hell?

I compose myself internally. I’m noting every single touch now, every breath, every hair between us. I’ve lost the plot. ‘I don’t know, maybe,’ I sigh, leaning back on my elbows. ‘But if I am, it’s for being who I really am, now, and not who the media says I am.’

He laughs softly, looking back at me in the moonlight. ‘Seriously? This is television. You know they’ll edit you into being exactly who they want you to be, no matter what you do.’

‘It’s a risk I’m taking,’ I say. ‘So what about you? Why are
you
here, Mr Zombie Killer?’

‘I like a challenge,’ he answers.

‘I figured that, so what do you want the prize money for?’ 
As I say it, something strikes me about what Joshua said before around the fire. ‘Is it a home?' I ask. 'You haven’t had one for two years, right? Is that why you broke things off with your girlfriend?’

He shakes his head slowly, but falls silent.

‘What, you can’t tell me?’ I press. ‘What’s the big secret?’ But my head’s buzzing more now with a memory. The girl from the interviews in L.A, Lanie; she said they had the mysterious recluse covered. I only just remembered. Joshua is so it.

‘She wasn’t my girlfriend,’ he says, more to the moon than to me. ‘And why does it matter what I need the prize money for?’ 

'It doesn't, I was just...'

‘Nothing matters in that world. That stuff is another projection; it’s not even real while we’re here. But
you
are, Alyssa. And
this
is.’ 

He puts one strong arm around my shoulders, gestures around us both in a sweep that slices through the starlight. ‘Don't you think it's perfect, just the way it is?’

‘I’m telling you, it has to be here, I’ve looked everywhere else,’ Shan huffs at Alyssa, sticking his hand into the tree hole and pulling out nothing but sand. He’s wearing just his G-A-Y-fronts. It’s still uncomfortable for everyone but him, especially when they’re wet, but he and the others who lost the last challenge still don’t have swimsuits so it’s not all his fault.

‘You can’t have looked everywhere,’ Alyssa says, flashing me a look of despair, ‘else you would’ve found it. Someone else must have it already.’

I avert my eyes. I feel like a total dick watching them search, knowing Jaxx already has the immunity charm, but what can I do? I turn to the palm tree next to us, but as I’m about to climb I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around. ‘Teach me?’ Alyssa says, eyes shining.

‘Don’t you dare climb that tree,’ Shan tells her, running his hand along another branch, feeling for the charm that won’t be there. ‘I don’t want to have to scrape your broken body up in pieces.’

‘You won’t have to,’ Alyssa says, still looking at me. ‘I’ll be OK. You can put me on your back like Edward Cullen if you like, call me Bella?’

I laugh. I have no clue who Edward Cullen is, or Bella, but for a second I picture Harri in her place – that first day at the climbing center, all rosy cheeked and English. I didn’t need to teach her anything. She was pretending not to know how to climb. I acted like I didn’t know she was pretending.

I bite my cheeks. Alyssa’s presence throws me off balance, even on solid ground. The more we talk, the more I know I have to start keeping away from her. I can hear Evan’s voice in my head, reminding me how much rests on me winning this. But for the past three nights now, we’ve sat out on those rocks watching sunset turn to night, just talking. Other people come and go, but at the end it’s always us. There’s always something else to say; some worldly issue we have to dissect and debate, some memory she jogs in me from things I thought I forgot and her eyes light up when I tell her my stories. Alyssa’s seen and done some equally crazy shit, though:

‘So you’re saying you never paid for a restaurant meal, the whole time you were with him?’ I asked her last night.

‘HotFlush picked up the check; whatever we did. Or, the hosts covered us. Those guys get free stuff just for being famous. One time, this hotel on an island in Dubai gave us a whole floor, and they set up a chocolate fountain. Oh,
and
they gave Chloe and I designer purses. We found out they were worth two thousand dollars each.’

‘Holy shit! Every girl’s dream.’

‘Not really, I sold mine on eBay. I’ve been saving for the culinary course. All designer purses look like fakes anyway; I got the same one from Chinatown for twenty bucks. No one ever knew.’

‘You’re from another planet, Double G,’ I told her.

‘Well so are you,’ she said, laughing. ‘I can score a free hotel suite in the Maldives just by name-dropping, but that won’t save me in the apocalypse. I’d still need you for that.’

Damn
. I look at her now, eyes still begging me to teach her how to climb. ‘Please,’ she says again. She shoots me the look she says the magazines all think is from her best side, bats her long, dark eyelashes over-dramatically and I sigh at her.

‘OK. Fine. You win. You might scuff up your hands though,’

‘I’m a big girl.’

I step behind her, so she’s facing the tree. ‘Oh, Christ,’ Shan says, ‘here we go!’

‘Shut up,’ she tells him.

‘Concentrate,’ I say. ‘OK, put one hand around the tree, chest level. The other goes at the same height but to the side.’

‘Like this?’ she says, and I reach around her, shifting her hands. My entire torso is up against her back and she falls silent, holding the tree. She’s hot, like I am. My face brushes her hair for a moment.
Focus.

‘When you’re ready, jump up, put your feet each side of the tree and grip,’ I say. ‘Keep your knees perpendicular to your body. Don’t think too much, just do it.’

‘This is going to go wrong,’ Shan says.

‘Quiet,’ she tells him again. ‘OK, step back, both of you.’ She takes a deep breath as I move away an inch. Her shoulder blades tense as she grips on tighter.

‘Hop like a frog,’ I say. ‘Use your hands at the same time.’

She leaps up in front of me. I watch her feet curl with every muscle around the bark and she hops, clinging to the tree again at the top of her jump. Her ass cheeks are showing beneath her tailor made hot pants and I watch as the camera guy with us runs in for the money shot.

‘You’ve got it,’ I yell, ‘keep going, up, up…’

‘Christ, Lord save her,’ Shan says, gripping my arm as she takes another leap, but Alyssa lets out a shriek and loses her grip with her feet. She starts to slide straight down the trunk and I dart forwards as Shan gasps. I catch her round the waist before she can twist and fall. She’s laughing in my arms, back flat against me, catching her breath and balling her fists.

‘Are your palms burning?’ I say, spinning her round and taking her hands. I hold them flat. They’re red but she’s OK. She didn’t fall far.

‘I did it!’ she says in elation, looking up at me.

‘No you
didn’t
, you almost broke yourself, woman!’ Shan snaps. ‘Don’t do that again.’

‘I’m gonna do it again,’ she says, but Stephanie’s voice makes us all turn around.

‘Guys! Come quick! You gotta see this!’ The vivid pink of her bikini is a neon beacon against the greenery. She frowns beneath her bangs when she sees Alyssa’s hands in mine. ‘What’re ya’ll doing?’

‘The birthday twins are killing me, that’s what they’re doing,’ Shan says as I drop her hands.

‘We were looking for the immunity charm,’ Alyssa adds, stepping away from me. ‘But we think someone must have it already.’

‘We did get eucalyptus, for the toothbrushes,’ I cut in quickly. And clean sheets for the beds, too.’ I motion to the leaves and branches we’ve gathered.

‘Fetch it later. Ya’ll should come to the beach,’ Stephanie says. ‘You’re not gonna believe what Karin’s done!’ She turns on her bare heels and we all follow her with the camera guy, back down the path to the beach. We head around the rocks to another patch of sand no one ever comes to.

Everyone’s here, except for Mike, obviously. Mike was sent home, complaining to the end that I attacked him, even though they screened the fight at the council meeting and it was obvious he lunged at Shan first. No one felt guilty writing his name on those sheets of paper to vote him out. But we’re all going to feel guilty losing whoever goes next.

Everything’s designed to get harder.

‘Oh my god,’ Alyssa’s saying now, over and over and I’m flung back to the present, where I take in what Stephanie wanted to show us. Constructed out of sand is a full-on couch, a little smaller than you’d buy for your home, but almost perfectly formed.

‘She did it all herself!’ Punk tells us, stroking his hands along the sculpted arms and back of it. ‘I found her at it this morning!’

Karin blushes. ‘I was about to build an armchair too, but he sprung me.’

Jaxx puts a hand on her shoulder and whistles. ‘All we need now is the TV and a steak dinner,’ he says, licking his lips and rubbing his stomach.

Punk moves forward to the front of the couch, kicks at some coconut husks that have swept in on the tide. The water’s always rougher here; that’s why we don’t come here all that much. ‘Can I sit on it?’ he asks.

‘Sure, that’s why I made it,’ Karin says, hands on hips, looking at the camera. It’s panning in on the scene and I know why Karin’s done this. She’s smart – showing her parents the only way she knows how that she’s an artist; not a lawyer. 

‘I’m not sitting on that thing,’ Mia says, gesturing to her bulk and frowning. ‘I’d break it.’

‘No you wouldn’t. It’s strong. I’m calling it the sunset seat.’

We all watch as the pasty-white Punk lowers himself on the couch and grins as it holds him. ‘Amazing,’ he says. His face is streaked even whiter with sunscreen.

‘Girl, you’re so talented,’ Stephanie cries, clapping her hands together.

I watch Alyssa take a seat next to Punk. She mimes pouring him a cup of tea from a teapot. Her cheeks are red and her tan lines are showing around her bikini straps. They’re a little whiter every day now. ‘Cake?’ she asks, holding out an imaginary plate and Shan sashays forward in his underpants, pretends to grab it from her.

‘Don’t you be giving him all the chocolate sponge, bitch,’ he cries, ‘I spent hours baking that this morning!’

‘Don’t be so greedy! There’s enough for everyone,’ Punk plays along and Shan is just about to start a fake food fight when Journey wanders up from behind me. Her huge pants are billowing.

‘If you’re all done, there’s laundry to be getting on with,’ she says, narrowing her eyes. We all turn to her. Journey’s been keeping herself to herself a lot since the BBQ afternoon and I know she’s made friends with the goat. I caught her there last night on the way to the well with Alyssa, talking to it like some long lost friend.

‘We did the laundry two days ago,’ Stephanie says, but Journey sighs wistfully, eyes her up and down.

‘We don’t all have the luxury of swimwear yet,’ she states, before turning around again in a swish of hair. She’s been teaching Karin crazy yoga poses all morning. Really you’d think she’d be more zen.

‘That chick needs to get laid,’ Shan observes, throwing an arm around Stephanie as he stands up. He almost topples her over. ‘Anyway, we can’t do laundry. And you can’t climb any more trees either, Tarzan and Jane. We’re having the auditions this morning.’

‘Please, no,’ Punk says, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his grubby pants. I raise an eyebrow. Shan’s been trying to get us involved in some kind of dance show to pass the time. Not everyone’s as enthusiastic about it as he’d like.

A scream pulls all of our attention back to Journey. She’s running from the line of trees near camp back towards us again. ‘SNAAAAAAAAKE!’ she yells. My heart slams at my ribs and I bolt in her direction, meet her halfway with the others right behind me, grab her bony shoulders. ‘Snake, snake, snake…’ She’s shaking.

‘Where?’

‘In the shelter! I went in to get more clothes for the laundry and…’

‘Did it bite you?’ Jaxx asks, catching his breath, but she shakes her head.

‘It just crawled out from the beds, on your side!’ she tells him. Her arms are wrapped around her body in fear. ‘What if it was there all night?!’

‘Disappointing,’ Shan frowns. ‘I thought Jaxx just had a case of the old Restless Dick Syndrome in my company. Guess not, huh?’ 

Jaxx pulls a face.

‘What if it’s still in there, Joshua?’ Stephanie says, looking up at me in terror.

‘Don’t freak out,’ I tell them, moving towards the camp. ‘It’s probably harmless. There are…’ I rack my brains. ‘There are…’
Damn,
what was it? I knew how many kinds of poisonous snake there were in Indonesia, I swear, but I can’t remember now. ‘There are only a few poisonous kinds here,’ I say instead.

‘Only a
few?
’ Stephanie looks pained.

At the entrance to the shelter everyone keeps their distance as I reach for the spear. I step forward, bend down to go inside but a hand clamps round my arm. ‘What are you doing?’ Alyssa hisses at me. ‘Don’t be a hero, Joshua, it’s dangerous.’

Everyone’s staring at us. I pull my arm away, narrowing my eyes. ‘I’m not going to wrestle with it…’

‘What if it bites you, are you crazy?’ Her eyes are full of fear and concern and for a second the fact that she cares so much throws me.

‘It’s probably not even still in there,’ I say, just as a huge green snake with a red tail tip slithers straight out from the entrance at her side and slides right towards her foot.

Everything happens in a split second. Shan shrieks almost as loudly as Stephanie as they all scatter, running back along the beach in a panic – everyone except Journey, who’s frozen to the spot. I lift the spear to shoulder height and just as the snake stops and raises its head right in front of Alyssa I stab it hard, straight through the neck.

Journey’s scream could probably be heard in America. They won’t even have to wait for the show to air. The camera guy’s actually grinning as I raise the dead creature up on the spear. It’s heavy and it’s not easy.

‘I stand corrected. It was still in there,’ I say, studying its features. ‘Damn, it’s at least four feet long. It’s a pit viper… venomous as they come. Beautiful though, look.’ I hold it out. Alyssa’s frozen but Journey grabs the spear from me.

‘You
asshole!
’ she screams, bending over instantly with the weight of it. ‘I can’t believe you
killed
it!’ She falls to the floor with it, stroking the snake’s sleek body, ignoring its bleeding head and bulging black eyes. ‘You didn’t have to murder it, Joshua,’ she says again through her sobs. ‘It was frightened.’

‘It was about to bite me!’ Alyssa says, shakily. She walks to my side and her fingers lace through mine. I pull her closer, hard against my chest without thinking. Shan’s eyebrows rise. I let her go.

‘You should be evicted from the game for this,’ Journey sniffs, looking up at me with loathing in her eyes.

‘Journey, it was poisonous!’ Alyssa tells her in my defense, wrapping her arms around herself. ‘And I dreamed about this snake.’

‘You dreamed about
this
snake?’ Journey says, incredulously. ‘When?’

‘When we first got here. Could be a coincidence, I guess, but it was exactly the same.’

Journey jumps to her feet, takes Alyssa by the shoulders. ‘It’s not a coincidence. It’s your totem animal,’ she says, swiping at her tears. ‘That’s why it came to you in the dream. You have to be the one to bury it.’

Jaxx snorts behind her. Punk is smirking now. Shan’s rolling his eyes, walking back with Karin towards the sand couch.

‘We’re not burying it,’ I say, reaching down and picking up the spear again. The girls jump back as I dangle the giant, bloody body from its silvery tip. ‘We’re eating it.’