Before We Fall (25 page)

I lean up on my elbow and watch Jacey sleep. The sunlight shines across her face and it makes her look almost angelic. I smile at what would be her surprise if I told her that.

I glance at the clock, then pick up the phone to call Joe. There’s no way Jacey needs to go into work today, not after I had to wake her up every couple of hours in the night. She’s going to be exhausted. Thankfully, Joe understands and even tells me to take the day off to look after her. I hang up and look back at Jacey, and when I do, she’s staring at me.

“Good morning,” she says lightly, but her gaze is heavy. “So… last night was… something.”

I smile, just a little, and shake my head.

“If by ‘something’ you mean an earth-shattering breakthrough for me, then yeah. It was
something.
”

Jacey smiles and reaches for me, pulling me down to her.

“Last night was intense,” she rephrases.

My heart feels oddly numb, but beneath the numb layers it feels happy for the first time in years. I feel Jacey’s lips curve into a smile against my skin.

“Where do we go from here?” Jacey asks quietly, her face still buried against me.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “This is all new ground for me.”

“We’ll figure it out,” she says confidently. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not,” I tell her. And I find that I mean it. It’s such a good fucking feeling. “I don’t know how I’m going to work through what happened, but I was able to talk about it for the first time last night. You and I are… a step in the right direction. That’s got to mean something.”

“I know it does. We’ll figure it out. And you don’t have to stay with me today,” she says with her lips against my neck. “I feel fine. I have a headache, but that’s it.”

“Oh, really,” I drawl, running my hands up her back, trying to lighten the situation. “You’ve been wanting me in your bed for a month, and now I’m here and you want me gone?”

Jacey pulls away and looks at me, her expression serious. “I do want you in my bed,” she confirms. “But I want a lot of things. We’re going to have to talk about it, Dominic. Last night was amazing, but it’s only the beginning. I want
you
, Dom. And we’re going to have to talk about how much of you you’re willing to give.”

I stare at her, at her wide brown eyes, her slender shoulders, her full lips. “You can have all of me,” I tell her simply. “I don’t know why you want it, but you can have it.”

She stares at me, her lip quivering, then she dives into my arms, burying her head next to my chest.

“Then I’ll take it,” she announces. “But it’s going to be work, Dom. It will be a process. You’re hurting inside. And you’re not going to heal overnight. You know that, right?”

I sigh and nod. “I know. For now, I’ll be satisfied with just being with you. Is that fine with you?”

She nods, then hesitates. “Yes. But there’s something else. Cris said that there’s things you don’t know. I really think that in order to really start moving forward, you need to know everything there is to know. Don’t you?”

I roll my eyes, unable to contain my disgust.

“I never want to look at Cris again,” I tell her truthfully. “I’m not transferring my blame to him, trust me. I blame myself plenty. But he’s just as at fault. And he won’t admit it. I don’t want to talk to him.”

“But he knows something you need to know,” Jacey points out. “And you need to heal. Please, Dom. I want to be with you. I do. But I need for you to start out with an open mind, ready to be in a relationship with me. To do that, you need to put your relationship with Emma to bed once and for all.”

Her words float in the room around us, on the sun, on the air, and I know she’s right. But that doesn’t mean I can do it.

Because I can’t.

I throw back the covers and stand up, pulling on my clothes.

“I can’t,” I tell her simply. “I’m willing to try with you, but I can’t do that. Not yet.”

I walk out, leaving her alone in her bedroom as I slide into my car and drive away.

I feel empty and crushed as I drive, oddly disjointed from the situation. But I’ve always been good at that, at detaching myself when I have to. It’s what I’ve always had to do to survive.

I haven’t even reached the end of the street when Jacey texts me.

Don’t throw this away, Dom. You deserve to be happy. Don’t run from me.

The words stop me in my tracks, right in the middle of the road. I don’t care that someone is honking behind me.

Don’t run.

That’s what I’ve been doing for years. I’ve been running from what happened, hoping I could hide from it, hoping to never deal with it.

Running.

Only a fucking pussy does that.

I turn my car around and go back, striding up the walk, not even bothering to knock on her door. I just walk directly into Jacey’s house. She freezes in the doorway of her bedroom, standing there in just a T-shirt and panties. She doesn’t look surprised to see me.

“Fine,” I tell her curtly. “I’ll listen to Cris, but I can’t promise that I won’t punch him in the throat.”

Jacey smiles, a wide and beatific smile.

“I can’t ask for everything,” she sighs. “But this is good, Dom. Seriously. Should we call him and have him here, or should we go to your parents’? Where should we meet with him?”

“Sin’s,” I say automatically. “I don’t want the drama of doing it at my parents. And I don’t want him stepping one foot into your house. We’ll do it at Sin’s. He won’t mind.”

“Okay,” Jacey says quietly. “Thank you for doing this for me, Dominic. I hope you see that we’re really doing this for you, too.” I nod, and my gut clenches at the look on her face. It’s genuine and real and she loves me.

She loves me
.

“I’ve never seen it this empty,” she observes as we walk in the front door. “Is there anyone downstairs?”

By “downstairs,” I know what she means and I shake my head.

“No. Sin’s parties aren’t ongoing, although they seem like it. There’s usually not anyone down there during the day. Besides, he knows we’re coming to talk to Cris. I’m sure he’ll want to sit in. He’s been curious about what happened for years.”

Jacey slips her hand in mine, and for the first time in a long time I feel comfortable leaving it there. I don’t know why. All I know is that I want to touch her, and for the first time it seems okay.

We make our way to the living room, where Sin’s already waiting. He’s even got a shirt on.

“You’re up early,” I observe. Sin grins.

“Since when is four in the afternoon early?”

“It’s early for you,” I amend.

“What’s going on?” Sin looks at me curiously. “Why the change of heart about Cris?”

I shake my head. “I didn’t say I had a change of heart. I said I want to talk to him. Jacey talked me into it. It’s a good idea to know everything so that I can put everything surrounding Emma to bed.”

Sin nods in surprised approval. “It’s time, Dom. It really is.”

“I know,” I answer simply. “And Sin, if you’re going to be here today, there’s going to be some stuff you didn’t know… I should probably just go ahead and tell you. Emma got pregnant back in high school. And it wasn’t mine.”

“What?” Sin asks stiltedly, his face suddenly deathly pale. But I don’t have time to answer, because Cris clears his throat in the doorway.

“I’m here,” he announces. Jacey squeezes my hand in encouragement, to calm me down, to prevent me from punching Cris’s face in right off the bat. I glance down at her, and she stares at me in support.

“You can do this,” she tells me quietly.

I nod. I know I can. I have a brief moment of clarity. This whole mess originated with Cris, with what Cris did with my girlfriend. The pressure should be on
him
, not me.

I motion for Cris to come in, and Sin, of course, pours him a drink, shoving it into his hands.

“I’m guessing you’ll need that,” Sin tells him. “Sit anywhere you’d like.”

Cris chooses a chair across from me and sits, wildly banging his foot against the chair leg. When he sees me looking at it, he stops moving.

“Fiona didn’t come?” I ask curiously. “That doesn’t seem like her.”

Cris shrugs. “She felt that this was between you and me. She didn’t want to choose a side.”

Oh, really? Now she decides that? She didn’t feel that way the last time she was here at Sin’s, screaming at me about what a lunatic I am. Interesting.

“Okay.” I draw in a deep breath. “Thank you for coming. I… felt like it was time for me to talk to you about what happened with Emma. About what you know that I don’t.”

Cris nods hesitantly, staring me in the eye. For a minute I see the kid he was, back when we were best friends. He’s nervous. And because of that, I know whatever he’s going to tell me is going to be bad. His eyes hold something ominous.

“Just tell me,” I say quickly. “Just get it out in the open. I can tell it’s not going to be pretty.”

Cris looks away. “I actually don’t even know where to start. It’s been so long. I’ve thought about it a million different times, tried to figure out what I’d say if you’d ever gave me the chance, or if I even
should.
But let me just start out with… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this has split us apart. I’m sorry for any part I had in making you so… damaged.”

He says
damaged
, although I know he’s really thinking
fucked up
. I can’t fault him for that. The rest of my family feels the same way, because it’s true. I stare at him wordlessly.

He stares back.

“There’s always been something… something I wanted to protect you from. Something bad, Dominic.”

I’m unresponsive as I prepare myself, as I sit waiting.

Cris looks at me.

“Should I just lay it out there?” he finally asks. “Or do you want me to sugarcoat it?”

“Do I look like I want you to sugarcoat it?” I answer stiffly. “Just say it.”

Cris looks away.

“I’ve watched you over the years,” he admits. “I’ve kept an eye on you. I knew when you graduated school, even after you had to pull out to go film
Visceral Need.
I watched you give interviews after your first movie was a hit. I watched you retreat from public life as much as they would let you. I watched the way your face grew tired and haunted. And I knew, I could see it on your face, that you were as haunted by Emma as I was.”

He pauses, and Jacey squeezes my hand.

You can do this.

I can practically hear her saying the words. I squeeze her hand back.

“I was haunted, am haunted, by a different reason than you, of course,” Cris continues. “I’m haunted because I failed her. She trusted me with knowledge that I carried around in secret, just like she’d asked, because we thought it was for the best. As a kid, I didn’t realize that some secrets should be exposed, some promises should be broken. So I kept her secret. I should’ve tried harder to tell you, because she changed her mind at the end. She wanted you to know. I failed her because I couldn’t get you to listen to me.”

My impatience swells up in me like a sudden cresting wave. “I’m listening now,” I snap. “Just fucking tell me.”

Cris levels a gaze at me. “Do you remember the day of Emma’s funeral… I tried to talk to you and you wouldn’t listen? I only managed to get a few words out before you shoved me into the wall. Do you remember what I said?”

I think back to that day, to the day that was filled with black… black dresses, black suits, black emotions. There was so much blackness that I couldn’t think straight. Cris tried to talk to me and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice. But I do remember exactly what he said.

“You said it wasn’t you,” I answer. “What the fuck did that mean? ”

Cris sighs and stares at the floor as he remembers the past, as it plays in his head, probably the way it plays in mine… like a nightmare.

“Emma told you that she and I got carried away one night, right?” Cris asks, his voice as heavy as lead. I nod. “She said that she and I were sharing a bottle of your dad’s liquor in the old tree house while you and Duncan were in Chicago. Isn’t that what she told you?”

I have to steel myself in order to nod. “You know that’s what she said.”

Cris nods. “She asked me if she could tell you that. But that’s not what happened. Well, it
did
happen exactly that way. And all of it was true. Except for who she was with. The guy she was with that night, the guy who got her pregnant… it wasn’t me.”

The breath rushes from my body, out of my lips, and into the air around me as I struggle to comprehend what Cris just said.

Not him?

“You’re lying,” I spit. “Why would you carry the blame all of these years? That’s ridiculous. Who in the world would be so important that you would sacrifice our friendship for? You were my best friend, man. You told me it was you.”

“No,” he argues. “I didn’t. Emma told you it was me. I just let her.”

“Then who the fuck was it?”

Cris stands still, his hands limp, his lips pressed together. “I don’t know if this is the right thing to do after all,” he finally says, like the coward he is. “Maybe it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

“Fuck that,” I snarl. “It’s too late for that. Tell me.”

Sin breaks in. “Just wait, Dom. Let’s sort this out calmly. Take a breath and we’ll—”

But I tune out my brother, because all I can see is Cris shaking his head… shaking his head like he’s not going to tell me.

That’s when I see red.

Red billows in once again from the corners of my eyes, and I attack him, raging like a bull, roaring like a wild animal as I leap onto him, pounding my fists into his face. My knuckles connect with his cheekbone in a satisfying crack.

“Who was it?” I demand from him, over and over.

But Cris doesn’t fight back and he doesn’t answer. He lets me hit him over and over. Everything is a blur of noise and emotion and colors and I don’t even understand what anyone is saying to me.

Except for one thing. Horrible words break through my fury, slicing through the red clouds that are distorting my logic.