Behaving Like Adults (29 page)

Claudia looked as though she had an ant's nest in her knickers.

‘I'd allowed it to happen. I mean, I thought, if I let him do it again, it was wrong the first time, but if the next time it worked out, I thought it would undo what had happened, make it okay. You know, maybe something could come out of it.'

Claudia's breath seemed to catch. She shook her head, wordlessly.

‘No,' I said. ‘I didn't. I, I, went to his office – Camille was there – I realised I couldn't. But, I still went there. And, well, the more stuff that happens, the harder it is to isolate, to accuse him of anything . . . the more muddled it gets.'

Claw took both my hands and tugged a little, encouraging me to look into her eyes. ‘Hol. I understand what you were trying to do. I can imagine, I can try to imagine, how hard it is to accept that this could happen to
you. And God knows, if I were you, I also would have given
anything
to undo it. No one wants to be a victim. No one wants to think of themselves like that. But sweetheart, it happened, and I'm so sad to say, nothing in the world can undo it. I'm so sorry, Hol. But you know, I think accepting that he raped you – I know, it's a terrible, harsh word – accepting it happened, not denying it – if you deny it you're stuck in a circle of guilt and blame – if you accept he raped you, I think it will be easier for you to cope in a, a healthy way, whatever that is, no doubt Issy will have some theory.
If
you want to tell her. And, maybe, in time, if you learn to accept it, it'll be easier to move on.'

I crossed my eyes to lighten the mood. And also, to express that this was a lot to take in. Being my little sister, she understood me.

She squeezed my hand. ‘Listen, Hol. Can I ask you something? After, after it happened, did you go to the doctor or a, a clinic or anything?'

I shook my head. Claw bit her lip. ‘I'm just, I wasn't just thinking of evidence, I, what if he
gave
you something, a disease?'

I screwed up my face. ‘He wore a condom. I mean, I can't remember him . . . him putting it on, but after, after when I was clearing up, there was a torn packet.' I paused. ‘That's another thing. What—' I steeled myself, ‘what rapist is considerate enough to wear a condom?'

Claudia's voice was sharp. ‘Considerate, bollocks. The rapist who is too fucking clever for his own good. He doesn't want you getting pregnant, does he?'

I picked up a thread. ‘What do you mean “evidence”?'

Claudia looked surprised. ‘Evidence for the police, Holly.'

‘The poleeeece!?' With effort, I lowered my pitch. ‘What have they got to do with anything?'

My sister shifted uncomfortably. ‘Well, you are going to report it, aren't you?'

I nearly laughed. ‘What, to the
police?
What are they
going to do? It was twenty-five days ago. It's my word against his.'

‘But Holly, you say Nick came in the front door while all this was going on. He could be a valuable witness!'

‘Claudia, he thought we were having
sex
. Normal, fun sex. The issue here isn't – like when a stranger does it to you – did Holly and Stuart have sex or not? It's did I consent. And, plainly, Nick thought I did. Great. He could be a witness for Stuart.'

‘Oh. Oh. But you still have to report it!'

‘Who are they going to believe, the senior partner of a law firm or the woman who runs a dating agency and went out with her own client? Mmm, looking good.'

Claw's face purpled. ‘Holly, it shouldn't matter if you were Tallulah Bankhead, what you do for a job has nothing to do with it. Either you consent or you don't, and if you don't and
he
has sex with you then it's rape – I'll say it again and again until it sinks in!'

‘Claudia,' I said, patiently. ‘Isn't everything these days about image? PR? Spin? The truth is irrelevant, it's what you
seem
to be that counts, and if I seem to be a, a, a good time girl' – I cringed – ‘then who the hell is going to believe that I didn't ask for it? Deserve it? Want it? There's no way I'm adding to my misery by telling the police and having them sneer at me.'

Claw shuddered. ‘Christ, Hol. Where's your faith in human nature. Don't answer that one. But, Jesus, no one
deserves
to be raped, could any person, any decent person believe that a woman could do anything that would make her
deserve
to be raped? I mean, even if you were walking naked down a dark road late at night and it happened, yes, you were being reckless, but would people think you
deserved
it then? I mean, if a man walks down a road late at night and gets beaten up by thugs, do people think
he
deserves it? Or is it just women who deserve punishment? Christ almighty, what kind of sick society do we—'

Brrt brrt! Brrt
–

I jumped up, glad of the excuse. Unfortunately, Emily had also jumped up and I trod heavily on her paw. The resulting yowl and bolt slowed me down so Claudia answered.

‘Oh, hi . . . can you speak to me? She's busy right now . . . right . . . right . . . oh . . . I see . . . well, look, it was a misunderstanding . . . tell him I'll call him tomorrow . . . no, tomorrow, I'm busy right now . . . yes . . . I'll explain then. Yes, alright, okay, ta Nige, yeah, bye.'

Claudia replaced the receiver and eyed me gravely.

‘What now?' I said. I felt my heart sink, although frankly if it sank any lower I'd excrete it.

‘Don't worry, it's nothing, I'll tell you in a sec. But it kind of fits in with my feeling that it would be
good
for you to report Stuart – ah! wait! hear me out! You know that Nige and I have been worried about you. You might not realise but you've been behaving very strangely. I think the trauma has affected you in ways you don't realise. It's like you've been numbed. And I'm sure it's self-protection, but it's affected your career, your friendships, everything. Girl Meets Boy is on the brink, I've got to be honest with you. You are seeing everything through a filter, you're viewing everyone and everything in
relation
to the rape, everyone is being judged as if they were Stuart. Now, that's entirely understandable, Hol, but it's dangerous.'

I suppose I looked dubious, because Claw continued, ‘That was Nige. Bernard just rang him, very upset.'

I blinked. I'd forgotten about Bernard.

‘Apparently, he took you out tonight because after two months of membership he
still
hadn't been matched with the only woman he wanted to be matched with – Sam. He took you out to dinner to, A, ask you if you would please, please match him with Sam, because he had a nasty feeling you weren't ever going to and he was too shy to approach her himself, and B, to ask your advice about what he should say to her on the date to make her like him, because he's had very little experience with women and he didn't
want to make a hash of it. Only, he didn't get the chance because halfway through his sentence you fled to the ladies and never came back.'

Realisation slowly dawned. ‘Oh,' I said. ‘Oh. Well, you see he was going on about there being one woman he liked and so
I
thought—'

Claudia smiled sadly. ‘I know. That's my point. I think if Stuart had been suffocated at birth, you'd
know
that Bernard wouldn't dream of propositioning a woman who hadn't shown any interest in him. But the rape has made you see all men as various forms of Stuart. You're stirring this trauma around your head like porridge and it's congealing. As long as you do nothing, there's nowhere for it to go. It's just there, fermenting.'

‘Poor Bernard.'

‘Sitting in that restaurant. Nige said he waited an hour for you. He thought you had “stomach trouble”.'

We both burst out laughing. Then we stopped, and I said, ‘Claw. Know what? I've made a decision. I'm reporting that bastard Stuart to the police and may he rot in jail
and
lose his hair clump by clump.'

Claudia raised her mug of cold tea and clinked it against mine. ‘I'll drink to that' – she glanced at its stewed contents – ‘even though I'd really rather not.'

WHEN I WAS
fifteen, an insult employed to disparage one's enemies was, ‘She can't smile, it might crack her face!' Ooh, crushing. But when I woke up the day after talking to Claudia, my lips were so dry and chapped that when I tried to smile, it
did
crack my face. Claw had slept in the spare room, and I came downstairs to find her rustling through the kitchen cupboards.

‘Bread's in the freezer.'

‘Doh! How are you?'

I felt a swell of fear. It was a relief, her knowing. But also, it made it more real. I had the sense of standing on the edge of a cliff, wondering whether or not to jump.

‘Scared. I mean, how do I report it? Dial 999? It seems overdramatic. Or do I walk into the nearest police station?'

‘I think we'd be better off going to the local nick. I'll come with you, won't I?'

I looked at my sister. She had the stance of a bulldog and the expression to match. ‘Of course.'

The man at the front desk was scrawling doodles on a pad when we walked in. He seemed thrilled to see us, as if we were long-lost friends. I smiled, wondering what to say.

‘Good morning. We'd like to speak to a female police officer,' boomed Claw.

He cleared his throat and leant on the counter with his elbows, hiding the doodle. ‘I see. And can I ask why?'

I felt Claudia tense beside me. ‘I need to report a, a sexual offence,' I said quickly.

‘A rape,' corrected my sister.

The man coughed, looked down at his pad. ‘Why don't you make yourselves comfortable' – he waved at a couple of hard plastic chairs – ‘and I'll ring the CSU. A woman officer will be right with you. Can I get you a cup of tea?' He paused, seemed to remember something, blushed purple, then added, ‘Actually, I – I'm so sorry, the tea – wait here.' He rushed off.

I smiled at Claw. ‘We freaked him.'

Within minutes, the man reappeared, with a thirtysomething woman. I'd expected a blue uniform but she was wearing a burgundy jumper and a black and white dogtooth checked skirt. She had a maternal bosom and a kind face. All the same, she looked as though she could break up a fight in a pub. I decided I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her. Her eyebrows were plucked in an I-brook-no-nonsense way.

‘Hello, ladies,' she said. ‘I'm Constable Caroline Keats from the CSU. Caroline.'

We introduced ourselves. I blurted, ‘I'm the one who . . .'

She inclined her head. ‘Why don't you come with me, Holly? We'll go somewhere private where we can talk properly.'

Claw and I followed her meekly up stairs which smelled of bleach. She had solid policewoman's calves. She led us into a small grey office. It contained a desk, a table and three chairs. It was the kind of place that makes you understand why people have to be paid to come into work.

‘I'd say make yourselves comfortable,' said Caroline wrinkling her nose, ‘but I'm not sure that's possible. Phew, it's stuffy in here, do you want me to open a window?'

‘I'm fine, thank you,' I said. I smiled faintly and sat down. ‘I'm probably wasting your time.'

Caroline regarded me gravely. ‘All the women say that. It's very rarely the case.'

I noticed a notebook on the table and felt even worse.

‘It happened ages ago. Three and a half weeks. I don't
know why I'm here. It's not like he dragged me off the street. It was in my house, we'd been on a date.'

Claudia clenched her fists but kept quiet. Caroline leaned forward. ‘Holly. It doesn't matter where the assault took place. If he had sex with you and you didn't consent to it, that's rape. And very few rapes are stranger rapes. In most cases, the attacker is a known person, a boyfriend, or a colleague. Do you know his name?'

‘Stuart,' I said. ‘Stuart Marshall. He's a solicitor.' Caroline wrote in her notebook, then placed it on the table.

‘First things first,' she said. ‘Tea or coffee?'

‘Coffee,' I squeaked. ‘Coffee,' echoed Claudia. ‘Please,' we added in chorus. Caroline disappeared and reappeared with mugs and a biscuit tin on a tray. The best of police hospitality, I thought, feeling undeserving. I hoped there were chocolate digestives.

‘They always include those glazed pink ones,' she said. ‘Waste of a good biscuit, as far as I'm concerned.'

I peered into the tin, pleased to see browns among the pinks.

‘Now,' said Caroline. ‘Why don't I explain what we can do for you. Your attack occurred a while back, so it's very unlikely that there's still forensic evidence on you. But we still offer you the choice to see our forensic medical examiner. More for your health than for evidential reasons. She's very gentle.'

My heart sank. There
was
no evidence. ‘He, he wore a condom. So . . . and I washed all my clothes in a boil wash.' It took me a while to get the words out. ‘And I've had sex since.'

Caroline nodded, and scribbled. ‘Don't worry about that. To be honest, after all this time, it's irrelevant. Ideally, we'd still like you to be examined, Holly, but it's
your
choice. We certainly won't make you do anything you don't want to do. How do you feel about it?'

I nodded, not because I wanted to. ‘Fine,' I lied. At least I'd had a bath.

Caroline smiled a sympathetic smile. ‘I know it's not pleasant. But we want to do as much as we can. After that, I'd like to sit and talk to you and take a long statement. How does that sound?'

I nodded. ‘Fine.'

‘Now, tell me, Holly, what do you want us to do with this man?'