Being a Boy (4 page)

The tricky thing with bullying is recognising it. I don’t think anyone wakes up and thinks, ‘oh I’m going to do some bullying today’, but we get caught up in what feels like a joke. Well, it’s not very funny if the joke’s on you. If you’re honest, I bet you’ve been guilty of this at some point. We all have.

If a person is repeatedly singled out for ridicule, either in real life or online, it is bullying and it needs to be dealt with. It’s too serious not to be. Every year young men just like you kill themselves because they feel they cannot cope with bullying. It’s those pesky hormones again. They are likely to make you feel up, down, vulnerable, invincible and even aggressive, all of which can make you behave in ways you might not have before.

What if you’re on the receiving end?

1. Write every incident down somewhere. This is evidence, keeps dates straight in your head and is a visual way of showing people how bad the situation has got.
   
2. Find a teacher or adult you trust and show them your evidence. Seeing it in black and white is always shocking and enables you to show you are being repeatedly targeted.
   
3. Very often ‘bullies’ don’t recognise their shitweasel behaviour so seeing all of that in print will be very hard for them to wriggle out of.
   
4. There are numbers and websites at the end of this book that will help you access much more info on bullying.
   

T
his is not a mysterious compulsion to go hang out on a pier. Unless, that is, you have a friend getting all up in your face saying ‘go hang out on the pier, all the cool kids are doing it …’ in which case you are a victim of pier peer pressure.

Peer pressure is when people in your social circle or age range (your ‘peers’) try to get you to do stuff you may not want to do. If it’s happening frequently this is a type of bullying. We often don’t realise it, because, as well-meaning as they may be, this sort of pressure often comes from friends.

The obvious stuff associated with peer pressure is alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. If your mates ARE partaking you might feel a silent pressure to join in even if they AREN’T circling you, waving fags around, saying, ‘Go on, Dave, just try it, you’ll be loads sexier if you do,’ like in a bad teen soap. You think your mates are cool, so doing what they do will make you cool too, right? Not necessarily.

A couple of things: you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes and alcohol and (unless they are prescription medications) most drugs are illegal. Doing illegal stuff isn’t the way forward cos you’ll go to jail (and what you heard about showers in jail is true).

Moreover being really drunk and smelling like an ashtray is NEVER sexy. I don’t know why campaigns go on about health problems, I’d be much more worried about sexy people gagging and running away when they get a whiff of a walking brewery with yellow nicotine-stained teeth. AND, since the smoking ban, smokers have to lurk, Gollum-style, outside pubs and restaurants in the drizzle like social lepers.

Back to peer pressure. You really have to draw on your inner lion for this one. If your friends are doing something it’s SO HARD to refuse – but are you a cloned sheep? It’s that timeless pearl your gran (if you have one) probably spouted: ‘If your mates jumped off a cliff would you?’ Answer: ‘Probably …’

I’d like to be mature about this. If you are compelled to try something, you think it’s safe (and legal) and you’re surrounded by people you trust in a familiar place, then this isn’t the WORST thing that could happen. (Just remember that NO illegal drug is 100% safe.)

If you have a horrid feeling that something is WRONG and you do NOT want to join in with whatever behaviour is freaking you out, call on your inner lion and simply say,
‘not for me mate thanks,’
or,
‘I’m OK, ta,’
or,
‘nah you have it mate, I’m good,’
or,
‘I’ll just watch,’
or the ever popular,
‘I’ll watch the bags and coats’.

I PROMISE in 99 per cent of situations where something like that has happened to me, my chums have been DELIGHTED as it simply meant MORE FOR THEM! In the 1 per cent where people will persist and badger you to do something you don’t want to do, walk away – that sort of person is a shitweasel.

Think about it. Why do they want you to try something so badly? I’d argue it’s to alleviate their guilt at doing something wrong by sharing the responsibility out. They want to normalise something they know isn’t right, or they simply want to see you make a fool of yourself. Bottom line is, going along with something just because everyone else is doing it like a cloned sheep isn’t especially cool at all.

A
common misconception amongst young men is that cool stems from THINGS. The notion that the right trainers, the right watch, the right gadgets will get you noticed has existed since an influential caveman rocked leopard skin instead of lion and declared he was dabomb. Lesser cavemen followed and became the first fashion victims.

But it’s not really ‘stuff’ that makes you cool. It’s about conformity versus individuality. Puberty is the time when many of you will stop being a generic ‘little boy’, who ‘just LOVES football, burgers and dinosaurs’, and become an individual.

But how much should you show it? When climbing the social ladder it is probably easier to fit in, but this approach will only ever qualify you to cloned sheep status. Being a sheep is on one hand very safe, but on the other very dull. Sheepery is a sure sign that you’re lacking in confidence. Individuality requires big NUTS. It’s about saying, ‘I like my purple hat, so I’m gonna wear it!’ Shitweasels will be the first to target your purple hat because taking the piss out of anything that makes anyone different in order to climb the social ladder is, you guessed it, prime shitweasel behaviour. It’s up to you to decide if you have the NUTS to tell the shitweasels where they can stick your purple hat (Answer: UP THEIR GREASY ARSES).

You have to decide if you want to be cool or if you want to coast? Nothing is less cool than being decked out head-to-toe in designer labels and heavy branding. Looking like a bargain bin version of Kanye West is a sure sign of a tragic vole desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids. It’s very try-hard. By definition insouciant lions do not need to try very hard.

Like what you like, wear what you like. Be the one to set the trends, not follow them.

I
t’s not a big surprise that women and men alike are attracted to cool. It’s not really the cool, it’s the confidence.

Think about it. Jabbering baboons are embarrassing. Peacocks are stupid. Shitweasels are evil. Cloned sheep are worriers. Hugely visible eagles are ambition-led. All these species will get mates, but it’s the lions suitors really want.

For a start, the confidence and inner security will show in conversation. No one is less impressed with willy-wagglers than potential lovers.

One girl I asked about this topic said,

‘All that flashy shit is really see-through. Money and presents and stuff.

Why can’t men just talk to us like we’re human?’

Look at girls as your mates. They are not an alien species, so talk to them like you would a guy. We’re all the same, remember? A great and interesting conversation is much more likely to impress than ‘flashy shit’ and willy-waggling.

More than anything, a guy who is at one with himself and his environment is very appealing. Who wants to date an angry person? No one! If a guy has loads of issues with himself, his body, his hair, his friends, with his family, with the world at large, he is likely to be no fun AT ALL. Who wants to shag that guy? Answer: NO ONE.

How many times have you heard someone say:

‘It’s what’s inside that counts.’

Let’s face it, the bit on the outside counts, too. Why? Because unless by the time you read this book:

a. we’ve developed telepathic powers

b. Apple
^®
develop ‘iTelepathy’

you’re not going to be able to judge with any real certainty what someone’s character is like on first glance.

As depressing as it sounds, most people will form a first impression about you within the first ten seconds of meeting you. They’ll probably decide if they want to have sex with you in the first two. Sometimes you can convince yourself you fancy someone after some time has passed but, let’s be honest – if a relationship is going to work you NEED to fancy them in a red-hot ‘I-must-have-you-now’ sort of way.

The good news is, BEAUTIFUL BUT AWFUL PEOPLE soon show their true colours. You have to have something to back up the goods or people very quickly lose interest. It’s like playing with those dummy handsets in mobile phone stores – they look great but they don’t do anything.

Bottom line is this: What’s inside IS far more vital than what’s on the outside, but the pretty shell is important, too.

W
ay harsh, but did you know that we are unable to smell our own body odour, or B.O. a lot of the time? A terrifying thought, which means I probably smell, too.

B.O. is caused by bacteria that breed in our sweat. It’s totally harmless but OH LORD, WHAT IS THAT SMELL? DID SOMETHING CRAWL UNDER YOUR ARMPIT AND DIE? You see my point. Puberty is when this can become particularly grim. It’s just one of those things you’ll have to accept.

Remember BATH-TIME? Your mum would fill the tub with Matey’s Sailor bubble bath and rinse you from a little jug while you wiped bubbles out of your eyes with a flannel? That was lovely, wasn’t it?

WELL YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THAT NOW, YOU PERVERT.

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter how early the school bus comes, how late you want to stay up at night on the computer or whatever, you HAVE to shower or bathe EVERY DAY or you will smell and people will make fun of you.

FACT:
You should willingly submit to a cleanliness regime because people will then not be repulsed by your stench.

As reluctant as I am to tell you how to wash, we mustn’t take anything for granted. In short, wash everywhere with extra attention on the three Ps – pits, penis and poo-hole. Job’s a good ‘un. If you are one of the foreskin-having majority, get right under there and clean the inside bit, too.

Oh and clean your feet really well. Always ensure they are DRY – this will make foot odour less likely.

The Joy of Socks

While we’re on feet … wearing socks will absorb some of your foot sweat, meaning your feet and shoes will reek less.

T
he human face is special. We have a whole different part of our brains just to recognise and differentiate them. The face is pretty much the first thing we notice about someone else, no matter how much you may claim to be a ‘breast’ or ‘leg’ man.