Being Human (6 page)

When the blood gone and the feeling faded, I sat back. The world around me was eerily silent, as if everything was dead. My gaze fell on the human. His neck was ripped to shreds, head split open and only one eye remained. His blood stuck to my face and chin, thick in my fingernails, plastering my shirt to my chest.

My full stomach churned and a sick feeling rose in my throat. I darted to my feet, feeling like the world around me was closing in. It was like the trees were looking down, seeing what I had done and were appalled.

I wiped at the blood covering me, feeling dirty and filthy like a homeless human. Only I wasn't covered in dirt, but blood and that was much worse. What had come over me?

The desire had been like nothing I had ever felt. Nothing like the feeling of need. Need was simple, my energy was low, my body weak from lack of blood. I needed to feed to survive. Desire had nothing to do with survival and everything to do with want. I had wanted to rip into the human, wanted to make him feel fear.

I dragged the human back to his truck, slinging him inside and raced to escape, seeking something familiar. I ended up at the cabin, kneeling at the water's edge. The water lapped at the shore, soothing and calm as I washed the blood away.

Never again, I told myself. Never again would I let myself feel desire. Not if it made me an out-of-control monster. What would have happened if another human had come along?

I shuddered to think of the possibilities; each one soaked in blood.

Once the disturbing blood was washed away, I headed back to the city and perched outside my brother's window. He moved on his bed, sprawled under the blankets. Guilt churned in me as I watched him sleep.

“Danny.” My voice was a whisper and he didn't wake. I continued anyways, I wanted to say this now. “I hunted tonight and something happened to me when the human tried to escape. I felt like a monster and it was horrible... and intoxicating. I never want to kill like that again. I only want kill when I need to – for survival.” I turned to leave, but paused and turned back. “Have good dreams.” I added, then disappeared into the night.

****

“Hey… hey? Hey, Tommy!”

“What?” I snapped my head around.

My brother half leaned out his window, staring at me. “You okay? You look a little lost.”

“I'm good.”

“Talk slower, my poor human ears didn't catch that.”

“I'm good,” I repeated slower.

I hadn't said anything to him about hunting. Hadn't even mentioned the little speech I gave while he slept. I didn't want to think about it because if I thought about it, I'd think about the desire and the rush it had been.

“You're distracted tonight.” His voice cut into my thoughts. “Maybe we should do this another night.”

“No!” I protested. “I'm fine, I was just thinking of...” Desire “...something.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What sort of something? Secret vampire something?”

I couldn't think of anything to say so I snapped my mouth shut and stared until he shifted uncomfortably.

“You know, all the old stories, the ones about vampires before we knew they existed, said vampires didn't blink,” he said. “I kinda wish it were true because the way you blink... you do it real slow and it's creepy.”

“You say that a lot.”

“Yeah, you creep the hell out of me now. My skin crawls looking at you. Even now. You're sitting still as a statue, barely moving.
Except
when you blink. I swear that's gotta be the only slow thing about you. You hardly ever show any emotions and when you do, it's weird, like you can't get it right. Stop that.”

I untilted my head. “What do you mean?”

“Well, when you laugh. The way it sounds, it's not quite right. Like you're trying to exaggerate or something. If I had to describe it, besides creepy, I'd say it's intense. Everything about you is intense,” he explained.

My mind drifted to the desire again. That had been intense. And terrifying. It horrified me with how it made me act, but at the same time I felt intoxicated. It was like sitting on the roof of a car, only better. Every part of me had reveled in the feeling as I fed and despite my resolve never to feel desire again, I found myself wanting to experience it again and again...

“What... was that?”

I tilted my head. “What was what?”

He looked warily at me. “You have this creepier than usual look on your face and you just licked your lips. Just when I think I can't be any more creeped out, you raise the bar.”

“What bar?”

“Wha... nevermind. We need to get going if we're going to do this.” He climbed through the window, sliding it almost shut and inched down the roof until he reached the edge. Grunting, he slid over, clinging by his fingertips before letting go. He crawled to his feet, brushing at his jeans.

I stepped off the edge, landing next to him.

“Show off,” he grumbled. He darted to the side of the house, falling into its shadow. There, he crept along the side, peering around the front, and then motioned me to follow.

I joined him by the car in the driveway, amused at his attempt at stealth. “You're lucky humans have bad hearing because you’re being very loud.”

“Shut up and help me push,” he replied. “This is a lot easier with you,” he added as we rolled the vehicle down the street.

“Why are we doing this?”

“Might wake someone if we start it in the driveway.” He threw me a sideways glance. “Our hearing isn't that bad.”

“If you say so.”

“Becoming a vampire has made you an ass. This should be good, come on.” He scrambled into the car, starting the engine.

As we left the city behind, the locks on the doors clicked down. I tilted my head, looking at him.

“Aunt Dee says to keep the doors locked when driving at night because vampires have been attacking cars, especially on this road,” he explained.

“I don't bother opening the door, I break the window,” I replied, staring out the window at the road and longing to feel like I was flying.

Or desire.

Don't think that
, I thought.

“You what?”

I turned to him, seizing the distraction. “I don't bother opening the door; I break the window and make the human crash. I want to sit on the roof. I like how it feels.”

“Hold up,” he said. “
You
are the vampire attacking cars?”

“Yes.”

Silence filled the car. I felt it pushing my brother away from me, a great divide between us. He refused to look at me, focused on the road instead. I leaned against the window, staring at the dark world, deep in thought. I thought he understood and learned to accept I killed humans.

Did he know about the other night and the desire?

The silence continued as we pulled into an empty parking lot. He climbed out of the car, walking ahead. I followed, unsure of what to say, wanting to break the terrible silence.

“I killed someone the other night. On the highway we were just on. I thought he was unconscious, but he wasn't. He ran, but it didn't take long to catch him… I’m sorry.”

“Killed them too.” He knelt in front of a plaque, brushing his fingers across it and wiping debris away. “You killed our parents, but you sound more distraught over some stranger's death.”

I knelt next to him, glancing at the plaque before us. I traced my fingers over the names and dates, memorizing them. “You want to know why I'm more upset?”

“Yeah.”

I picked my words carefully. “When I murdered... Mom and Dad, it was peaceful. They were asleep. They didn't feel anything, didn't know.”

My words propelled my brother to his feet. He stood over me and glared down. “That's supposed to make it better? I'm supposed say,
It's okay, at least they died peacefully?
How can you expect that of me?” He paused, trembling as he searched my face for something. “Did you think the fact they were asleep meant it was a blessing? They were spared the knowledge it was you?”

“I didn't think murdering our parents in their sleep was a blessing,” I stammered.

“What did you think?”

For once I avoided his gaze. I stared at the plaque, hating my answer. “I didn't think anything.”

“Of course,” he replied bitterly.

“I thought you weren't mad at me. You said you'd be sad for both of us. Why isn't that enough?” I pleaded.

“Why do you think it has to be enough?” he yelled. “What exactly makes you think I'm okay with what you are?”

“You said you were okay with it, you accepted me,” I countered.

“
I lied!
” Moisture filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. “I lied about accepting you as a vampire. I've been pretending and faking, acting like you're still you when you're not! I want my brother back! The twin I knew so well I knew what you were thinking!”

My heart ached where it lay in my chest, mirroring my brother's pain. I hurt him, badly. It was a terrible concept and reality. One I desperately wanted – needed – to fix. I rose to face him, giving him the only thing I could: the truth. “I know I hurt you and I don't like it, but I can't... I don't feel anything about our parent's deaths. That human I killed was the first time I felt something when I hunted.”

“Keep going.” His lifeless voice grated against my ears and I hated it.

“I got this feeling... I didn't like it.”

He scowled when I fell silent. “Didn't like what? You're not being specific.” Some of his anger faded when I refused to answer or meet his gaze. “Tommy, what happened?”

I sank back down, tracing the lines of the plaque. I was almost grateful he was forcing me to speak. “I only hunt when I need to, a couple times a week. The humans are subdued, unconscious or I force my will so they don't struggle. But this one I chased and when I did, I felt desire and I wanted more, desired more. More blood and fear. It made me feel like a monster and I don't want to feel that. I don't want to be a monster. I don't want you to hate me.”

My brother sat back down, his voice soft. “I was lying about not accepting you. It's hard to deal with you sometimes; you make me feel like I’m the only one who feels anything about losing Mom and Dad. And I need to know that’s not true, I need to know that you still feel something.”

“So you don't hate me?”

“No, I'll never hate you.”

A weight lifted off me with those words. I had been certain he'd tell me to leave, force me to leave. I was positive without him the desire would consume and control me until I turned into the monster humans feared.

“Please don't make me leave,” I whispered.

“I'm not gonna tell you to leave.”

“I'm sorry I hurt you by murdering our parents.”

“I know.”

“Are you scared of me?”

“Naw, never gonna be scared of my little brother.”

“I'm scared. Scared I'll turn into a monster.”

“I won't let you, Tommy. Promise.”

****

The house was bare. Outlines on the carpet showed where furniture once sat, while lighter squares on the wall showed where paintings and photos had hung. Boxes were piled around doorways, waiting to be moved. Moonlight shone through the bare windows, making what remained look sad and forgotten.

The emptiness felt weird as I wandered around what had been the living room. This house shouldn't be this empty. It should be full of furniture, the walls covered in photos and paintings. The kitchen should hold a table and chairs, dishes should be stacked in the cupboards. The windows should be draped in colorful curtains, pulled back by ribbons. The rooms upstairs should have beds and dressers. I clearly saw how this house should be; remembered how it looked when I came home after my turning.

“Where is everything?”

“Packed up or donated,” my brother replied. He opened a box and dug through the contents. “Except for Mom and Dad's bed, we took that to the dump. Uncle Dick has a storage unit and we’ve been moving everything there. Then when I get my own place after college, I can take what I need.” He laughed, shaking his head. “Can you believe that?
When I get my own place.
Before, college felt like a million years away, something that didn't matter because I could always come back here, but now I don't know where I can go.”

“Why can’t you come back here?” I asked. “This is home.”

He paused his quest, his head bowed and shoulders slumped. “It's not the same. It's been... tainted.”

“Tainted?” I waited for him to explain. Instead, he kept digging through boxes, ignoring me. “I don't understand,”

“Of course you don't.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“It's tainted because of what happened,” he replied, a hint of fear in his voice. He refused to look at me, keeping his attention on the boxes. “People died here and while that may not affect you, it affects me. Memories haunt me and I’m afraid I’ll lose myself to them.”

“We should go then.”

“Just a second...” His voice was muffled as he leaned over a box. “Aha! Got it!” He straightened up, holding a book.