Being Jamie Baker (8 page)

“Yes it did. It smashed you like a pancake.”

“If it had done that I’d be dead right now,” I said, trying to hide the fear in my voice. “I ducked.

The sign hit the lawn mower, not me.” I brushed the dirt off me and held out my hands, half tempted to do a little tap dance or something. “I’m fine, see?”

I could see them all mentally convincing themselves that they’d only imagined it because the outcome was impossible otherwise. Then I relaxed because they were all buying it, whether they wanted to or not.

My relief lasted only a second, though, because the kids that had been lingering in the parking lot were starting to make their way over to us, and they were already debating whether or not it was me in the middle of the chaos. I needed to get out of there, and when the sirens of the ambulance could finally be heard, all eyes turned their direction.

I was gone before they looked back.

I wanted to run. Home, New York City, the Himalayas—it didn’t really matter. I was just scared and wanted to be anywhere except where I was, but I knew that wasn’t an option. I had to go back to Ryan. Otherwise, I’d never be able to explain my little disappearing act or the fact that half the school thought they had just seen me get crushed.

I went back to the school, but I couldn’t just pop back at Ryan’s side all of a sudden, and since my entire body felt like a truck just hit it, I took a seat on the front steps. I’d been sitting there for only a few seconds when I saw Ryan do a double take and walk over to me. “There you are,” he said, still frowning in confusion. “I didn’t see you walk away. I thought you’d disappeared on me or something.” He laughed, but I wasn’t feeling very playful. In fact, I wasn’t feeling well at all. I thought people with superpowers weren’t supposed to get hurt, but my head was pounding, so I buried my face in my arms to block out the light that seemed to be making it worse.

“Jamie? You’re shaking. What’s the matter?” Ryan asked when he finally realized that I wasn’t quite right.

I think I was allowed to be a little shaky after something like that, but I couldn’t exactly explain that to him. “I’m fine,” I mumbled instead from beneath my arms. “I just don’t like accidents.” That was the truth. I really hate accidents, and I probably still would have been upset even if I hadn’t just been part of it. It might have a little something to do with one wreck in particular, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure Ryan was now thinking about the same accident, because he crouched down in front of me and ran his fingers through my hair very protectively. “I didn’t even think about that. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

His voice was so soothing, and the way he was stroking my head felt so amazing that my eyes glossed over with tears. I couldn’t help it really. I hadn’t been cared about by anyone except my parents in over a year, and Ryan was trying to comfort me because he was genuinely concerned.

“Is there something I can do?” he whispered.

“Go away,” I muttered.

I didn’t really think that was going to work, but I also didn’t expect him to pull my chin up and dry my tears, either. It was an overwhelming feeling, and I was so shocked that I couldn’t do anything but gawk at him.

“Jamie—”

He stopped and just stared at me in wonder.

We must have sat there for a full thirty seconds just looking into each other’s eyes, but the longer he stared, the more confused I got. “Your eyes!” he finally gasped. “One of your contacts must have fallen out. They really are…”

Ryan tried to say “yellow,” but he couldn’t form the word. I cursed under my breath and immediately turned my face away from him.

“I’m sorry,” he said as I scrambled to my feet. “I didn’t mean to stare like that, I’ve just never seen anything like it. I thought you were kidding.”

I tried to walk away, but his voice sounded so desperate that I only got two steps. “Please don’t run away from me this time,” he pleaded.

I opened my mouth to say something, but someone called Ryan’s name from the parking lot, and when I saw Mike and his friend Justin just a few feet away, my heart stopped. I froze, but Ryan smiled at me and then pulled his sunglasses off his face and placed them on mine before turning around to greet his friends.

“Dude!” Mike yelled. “I think your wannabe girlfriend just got crushed by the marquee.”

“Do you mean Jamie?” Ryan asked, completely confused.

“Yeah,” Justin replied, “and the freak just got up and walked away.” Ryan turned back around to give me a confused look, and when Mike and Justin realized I was standing there they stopped dead in their tracks. “But weren’t you just…?” Mike said, unable to complete his question.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I sneered. “But as you can see, I obviously wasn’t hit by any falling marquees today. I guess you’ll just have to keep wishing, huh?”

“You must have an evil twin then,” Justin said, “because it looked just like you.”

“Jamie
is
the evil twin,” Mike grumbled.

“Back off, Mike,” Ryan said.

Not that I was offended by Mike’s insult, but it was still kind of nice to see Ryan defend me. Mike just rolled his eyes and then mumbled something about heading to practice. “I’ll catch up,” Ryan said.

I cringed because I knew he was going to try to make me explain myself, and I had no clue what I was going to say.

Once Mike and Justin were gone, Ryan’s face was immediately full of concern again. “Let me take you home.”

“I have a car.”

“Yeah, but you seemed pretty shaken up a second ago.”

“Well, I’m fine now.”

“Then can I come see you after practice?”

Okay, this was worse than just asking me why my eyes were yellow. This meant that he wanted time for me to explain it properly. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. It couldn’t. “Give it a rest already!” I snapped. “No! You can’t come over after practice. I wasn’t kidding when I said I don’t want you bothering me anymore.”

“You don’t have to be scared of me, Jamie.”

“I’m not scared of you,” I lied. “The self-exile thing isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t some ice queen outreach program here, okay? Poor little messed-up Jamie doesn’t need you to save her. I’m not your pity project!”

I watched Ryan’s face drop as he began to realize how serious I was this time, and he looked so disappointed that I wanted to take it all back. Too bad I couldn’t.

“I’m not doing this because I feel sorry for you,” Ryan said in almost a whisper.

I was surprised by his tone. I didn’t know he was capable of something like humility.

Tears threatened to give away my true feelings when he reached for my hand. I pulled away from him before he could touch me, and out of sheer desperation allowed the energy pulsing through my body to spin out of control.

Nothing makes me angry like feeling what makes me different from the rest of the world, and I needed to be angry right then, so I let myself simmer for a second. I probably would have juiced him if he’d touched me again, so I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t, but I was tired of fighting him, and I was tired of fighting myself when I was around him. “I’m not going to be your conquest either,” I finally said when I was good and mad.

“Excuse me?”

I’d offended him this time, like really, truly offended him, and it stung, but I had to. The longer I encouraged him, the worse I would hurt him, and hurting him was inevitable.

I clenched my fists tightly, praying he wouldn’t see right through me, and said, “The first time you talked to me was because you bet someone you could get me to kiss you, and you’ve tried to put the moves on me every time you’ve talked to me since.”

“Yeah, because I like you. Is that such a bad thing?”

“Oh please, Ryan. Just because I don’t talk to people, doesn’t mean I don’t know what they’re saying. Jamie Baker, the freak ice queen, is impossible to crack? So the guy who finds a way to break the ice and nail the queen would be a legend around here, am I right?” We stood there for a minute, and Ryan was the one to finally break the silence, but his voice sounded angry. “And that’s what you think I’m doing?”

No. Not exactly. He may have been joking about me with Mike, but I could tell now that this wasn’t just about a hook-up. That’s why I hated myself so much for saying what I said. “I know you’re

‘the man’ and all, but even you can’t break Baker?” I said, quoting his and Mike’s conversation from this morning. I knew he’d recognize it. “ ‘Watch me’?”

“How did you…?” Ryan’s face went pale as he did indeed recognize his own words being thrown at him. “Hang on, now, that’s not what I meant! I wasn’t just talking about—”

“What’s the pool up to now?” I interrupted, purposefully not wanting to give him the chance to explain. “Put me down for twenty—I’m good for it. You’re never getting into my pants.” I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t see any other choice. He was never going to leave me alone if I didn’t. I’ve done some pretty mean things in my life, but blowing off Ryan Miller the way I did right then is something that I still feel bad about, even to this day.

“Fine!” he snapped, and then swallowed back his anger. “You win. I surrender.”

“Thank you.”

He watched me walk away from him until I got in my car, but he did let me go, and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t bother me anymore now. I knew I’d made the right decision. It just didn’t feel like it.

* * * * *

I cried all the way home from school that day. I’m not proud of that, but I’m not ashamed of it either. I mean, how many people have to worry not about being who they are, but just
being
in general.

Being Jamie Baker is a lot of responsibility that I never asked for. It’s also responsibility that I wasn’t prepared for, don’t want, and shouldn’t have to deal with. Especially not alone.

I cried because it wasn’t fair that I had to reject Ryan. Turning him down was the responsible thing to do. It just sucked. I didn’t want to, and I shouldn’t have to when all the other kids my age are busy hooking up.

But at the same time, a nonexistent social life isn’t the end of the world. I was definitely being a little dramatic, but I think I chose to dwell on Ryan more than I needed to in order to forget about all the other reasons I was crying.

I pulled it together when I got home, though, because I didn’t want to have to explain everything to my mom. I’d managed to calm myself and stop the tears, but the minute I walked in the door, my mom knew something was up. She took one look at me and rushed over like a good mom should. She wrapped her arms around me, and I yelped when she squeezed me because even though I’d walked away from the accident, I think I may have jammed my shoulder and bruised myself from head to toe.

“What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

“There was an accident,” I mumbled, unable to keep it from her, “and I tried to stop it.” I couldn’t tell if she was upset with me or not, but she was definitely overwhelmed by the news. I hoped she wasn’t angry with me, but I wasn’t too concerned about her. Dad would be worse. She simply started with the standard “Are you hurt?”

“Depends on your definition of the word.”

“Was anyone else hurt?”

“No, but they would have been.”

After I filled her in on the details, my mom sat quietly for a moment, then forced a smile. “Well.

I’m very proud of you, honey.”

“Yeah but, Mom, I was smashed by a giant marquee, only
I
left the dents in
it
!” My mom hugged me again, a new wave of fear taking her over. “Jamie, your father and I have talked with you about this.”

“I know.”

“Sweetheart, you are an extraordinary young woman, but you’re not Superwoman. We don’t really know how your powers work. What if you’d gotten hurt?”

“But what was I supposed to do? That man would have died. Was I just supposed to watch it happen, knowing I could have helped?”

“It’s not your responsibility to save people. If God wants them he’ll take them.”

“Then why didn’t he take me?” I exploded.

I jumped back, putting some distance between us before I could hurt her. I felt bad for losing control, but I wasn’t yelling at her, I was just yelling, and I think she knew that. Aside from Derek, if there’s any other subject that could cause a citywide power outage, it’s God. Considering I’d already fried the circuits once this week, I took a deep breath, but I couldn’t help asking, “Didn’t he want me?” I know that sounds like a really juvenile question, but you try being in my shoes for a while and see how much you really know the answer.

“Of course he does.”

“Then how come instead of letting me go to heaven like everyone else, he left me behind and turned me into some kind of freak?”

“You’re not a freak, Jamie. You’re just different. You can still have a no—”

“I can’t have a normal life, Mom! I can’t go to things like dances and football games like everyone else, because I’m too busy trying not to listen to every conversation around me. I can’t have close friends because I’m too worried about what lie I’ll have to tell them if they ask me a question I can’t answer. And dating is out of the question! I can’t even kiss a boy without turning him into the Energizer bunny!”

Okay, so maybe I was a little more upset about the Ryan issue than the whole I’m-not-a-Jamie-pancake-right-now issue, because the lights flickered again after mentioning the kiss that started all my trouble. My mom’s not a fool either. She didn’t waste a second figuring it out. “Is that what all of this really about? Ryan?”

“I kissed him.”

Oops, that one got away from me.

I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that my mom was so shocked I kissed a boy that she nearly fell off the couch, or that she was so excited about it she squeaked, “You did?” Not wanting to have to go into any details about the relationship Ryan and I didn’t have, I decided to get right to the point. “It did something to him.”

“What do you mean it did something? What happened?”

“I don’t know, Mom. What happens to the lights when I get mad? Why do the fish get pulled across the tank when I walk past them?”

I knew my mom hated it when she didn’t have all the answers, and I didn’t expect her to, but I still wished she had more than just a sigh for me right then. Her sigh was an exasperated one, and I felt bad for upsetting her, so I dialed back the sarcasm and tried to explain as best I could. “I kissed Ryan, and it charged him up like a freaking Duracell.”