Being There (17 page)

Drew was always attractive in that
jock
, sort of way. He was always pretty proud of his looks, and why not? Even now, dressed casually in khaki cargo shorts and a blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, he is fucking hot. Clearly Sage has noticed too because she keeps finding ways to touch his arm when she talks to him, but who can blame her. I smile to myself because I know he’s not completely comfortable with the attention she is showing him because he keeps running his hand through his hair, messing it up a little more each time. It was always is tell. I mean, he still looks sexy, damn sexy, but that’s how I know he’s feeling uncomfortable.

Happy with that knowledge, I’m able to dance my ass off with Rhen and have a surprisingly good time. He’s a decent dancer but after a few songs, I yell in his ear that I need another drink, so he leads me back to the bar where sexy bartender hands me over another shot and winks at me. I raise the glass to him and smile, clearly flirting. Rhen and I stand there for a few minutes and catch our breath before he drags me back out to dance some more. I’m hot and sweaty and I’m pretty sure that I look like a mess, but I’m having too much fun to care.

Nev and Luke dance their way near us and she gives me a questioning look so I just shrug my shoulders and continue dancing. The four of us are acting stupid and laughing so hard that I didn’t notice Sage dragging Drew behind her to dance. She caught my attention and gave me a pseudo-friendly smile that I return in kind, quickly resuming my fun. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she tries to get him to move and it’s only slightly painful to watch. I look over at him and raise an eyebrow, but he shrugs his shoulders as if saying, “what are you gonna do,” which causes me to laugh a little more. Clearly, the alcohol is hitting me, but I’m having a great time, until Sage turns to me only to turn back and face Drew trying a little too hard to get his attention.

It’s comical to watch the lengths she’s going to for him to respond to her, but what I guess she’s failed to remember is that, even though he’s done it a few times, Drew hates to dance. I’m pretty sure that is one thing that hasn’t changed in the last five years. The two of us are standing a good distance away surrounded by our friends, but we keep looking at the other and making faces, somehow finding our old patterns, so I’m shocked when Sage turns an agitated face in my direction. Instead of engaging, I yell into Rhen’s ear that I’m going to get another shot, leaving him behind before I flirt with my favorite sexy bartender.

I’m only sitting there a moment when sexy nods his head alerting me to someone standing behind me. Needless to say, I’m less than shocked to see a perfectly put together, but fuming Sage. “You just can’t leave him alone can you?”

“Leave who alone?” I ask her, even though I know she’s referring to Drew.

“Rhen,” my shock registers at her words so she continues. “We’re here together.”

I shake my head shortly, trying to wrap my mind around what’s she’s saying. “I’m sorry, Sage, really, I had no idea, but we
’re just dancing.”

“It looked like a lot more to me so if you wouldn’t mind backing the fuck off, I’d appreciate it,” she says looking at me in disgust. Here I am trying to be nice and apologetic, but she’s just being ridiculous.

I get off the stool to stand up so that I’m at her eye level to make sure she knows, I’m not intimidated by her, “I’ll back off, but maybe you should take your issues up with him, because he never even mentioned that you two are together, nor did he ever look over at you while you were pawing at Drew, so why don’t
you
back the fuck off?”

“You always were such a bitch- “ she’s cut off when Rhen tugs at her arm and Drew pulls me to walk away, so I follow. As he leads me outside to the courtyard to get some air I make my way over to the far wall and sit down and try to stifle the laugh that’s about to erupt.

“You okay?” Drew asks taking a seat next to me looking concerned.

“I’m fine,” I say no longer able to contain my hysterical laughter. “Did you see her? What the hell is wrong with her?”

He starts laughing, probably
at
me, but laughing nonetheless. “How many shots did you have?” he asks between laughs.

“More than enough,” I admit with a smile. We remain outside in silence while I compose myself, but I have no desire to go back in there and see either one of them. “Would you mind taking me back to the house? I think everyone is having pretty good time and I don’t want to ruin it,” I say motioning to the crowd inside. “Besides, I don't know where else to go.”

“C’mon, I was getting ready to head back myself,” he stands up and offers his hand. “Let’s go.” I place my hand in his and instantly wonder what I’m getting myself into.

“Lemme help you with that,” Drew offers from behind me.

“I can get it,” I say, trying again to unlock the door. I’ve tried at least three times, but since we turned
all
lights off when we left, the front entry is dark. I’m not sure if it’s the darkness or my drunken state, I just know we can’t get in. I’d rather blame the night rather than my drunk ass.

“Can you, for once, not be so damn stubborn?” He says, reaching to take the key from my hand, so I forcefully hand it over. “You’re plastered,” he observes with a laugh.

“I’m not that bad,” I protest with a slur, walking in behind him when he finally unlocks the door. We walk into the living room in silence, and I reach down to take off the heels I’m wearing because my feet ache from all the dancing. Drew goes to the kitchen and grabs two bottles of water from the refrigerator and walks over handing me one. I take it from him with a smile and walk out to the patio, knowing he’s probably going to follow me.

The night air is humid as an occasional breeze blows through, making it a little less stifling. From the lounge chair that I’m laying in, I can see the bright stars in the sky, something I don’t get to see a lot of in the city. I’m happy sitting here in the silence hearing only the rustling of the trees in the wind, but Drew apparently feels the need to speak up. “So that scene with Sage, would that be typical behavior for you?”

“Excuse me!” I object in annoyance, “She got in my face, Drew! What in the hell was I supposed to do?”

He looks away, shaking his head slowly and takes a swallow of his
water, “She had reason to be pissed, you know? You and Rhen were all over each other,” he sneers with repulsion.

“All over each other?” I repeat to him, “It’s called dancing, Drew. We were dancing. If she was so worried about what he was doing, why wasn’t she with him instead of groping you?” I shudder when I realize I sound like a jealous girlfriend, when I have no reason to be.

“So you were watching me?” His curiosity piqued, he leans forward, placing his arms on his knees and lets his guard down a little before he smiles.

“No,” I object, “I mean, maybe a little.”
Stupid tequila!
I walk to the edge of the patio to escape his scrutiny, but of course he follows. His body is turned to face me, so I mirror him. “What?” I ask, annoyed that he’s so silent.

We stand there, each looking at the other, searching for something to keep us here together a little longer. For me, the alcohol has me seeing him the way I used to, almost erasing the memory of how things were ruined.
Almost
. I want so badly to go back and change that night, because maybe we’d be different now. He’s looking at me the same way he always did, but I’m seeing through rose-colored glasses and all at once, the ugly comes in to view, along with the good. I can’t help the huff that escapes me when I remember what he put me through, and just like that, I roll my eyes and turn to walk away from him.

“What was that for?” He reaches for my hand encouraging me to face him.

“It would be easy to forget,” I say, knowing he has no idea what I’m talking about.

He looks at me and searches my face for the answer, but doesn’t get it. “Forget what?”

“Everything,” I whisper.

“I can’t forget it,” he breathes, as though to admit it takes more effort than he can muster. “Why wouldn’t you let me explain myself?”

“Drew, this isn’t the best time to talk about this,” I scold. “I’ve been drinking, and it was so long ago, who can even remember details anymore.” I say the words, but I don’t mean them because I remember every wonderful and heart-crushing second of it. 

“If you need help, I can remind you.” The look that he gives me could simultaneously melt and kill me, and I’m not sure why he thinks that I would even go for that. “The way I remember it, you told me you were in love with me. Does that ring any bells?”

“Just stop, we’re not going to hash this out right now,” I turn to leave, but he pulls me back again. “What Drew? What do you want me to say? Did I love you? Yes, of course, you were my best friend.”

“No, that’s not what I said. You were
in
love with me and I was
in
love with you. I was honest with you, and yeah, it was stupid of me to let things happen when I was still with someone else, but you went fucking crazy on me. You wouldn’t speak to me; you were just done. Then you see me again and act as if I’m the only one who did something wrong. It’s not like you asked me if I was with anyone.”

“Fuck you! Why would I have asked you that? It’s not like you pulled away when I kissed you- ” and just like that I realize that in some way, I knew. That night when I kissed him, he hesitated, he pushed me away and I was hurt, knowing that I was being rejected, again. “You were with someone,” I whisper, letting the memory come back to me, “You hesitated and in that moment,
I knew it but I didn’t want to ask.” I finally look up at him feeling less angry with him, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What was I going to say? ‘I’m with someone, but I’ll leave her for you?’ That sounds like a total dick thing to say,” he admits.

“But sleeping with me, when you were with someone wasn’t?”

“It’s like I told you then, we’d only been together for a month or so. You were the one I wanted, and after what happened in Graceland, I figured I’d never have the chance to be with you. That night, when you told me how you felt, you were all I could see. I know I was an ass, and I should have stopped it, but I was selfish and I just wanted you.”

“I guess that makes two of us.” I admit sullen. “I was hurt when you told me the truth, the way you told me,” I correct myself. “Had you told me before, I would have understood; I would have waited for you to decide if you wanted to stay with her, but you didn’t tell me before. You waited until I gave you the very last piece of myself I could give, and the next morning you threw it my face.”

“But that’s what I’m saying, I didn’t want to stay with her,” he rubs his hand over his face in frustration. “I knew before I even left Austin that night that I couldn’t stay with her, not when I was feeling the way I was about you. I didn’t expect us to sleep together that night, but I had planned on trying to figure out what was between us. I don’t regret what happened that night, but I do regret not being up front. Had I known that it would ruin
everything
, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. You cut me out of your life so easily.”

“It wasn’t as easy as you think it was,” I reply honestly.

“No, you’re right. It wasn’t easy, at least not for me,” he voice rises slightly and I know he’s hurt. “I loved you Cass and I thought you loved me too, but you walked away. At the very least, you owe me more than ‘it wasn’t easy.’ It’s not easy seeing you now and being here with you again. I hoped that I’d see you and finally put it all behind me, instead, everything I felt flooded back and it’s sophomore year in college all over and I’m waiting for you to do something.”

I stare blankly into the darkness, tears running down my face hearing the words he is telling me. “Look at me, please,” he says gently as he reaches for my arm and looks into my face eager for a response, “I thought you wanted us, too. Was I wrong?”

“I have never once regretted telling you how I felt about you and despite everything, I don’t regret that night either. I loved you more than I really thought possible and you were the only one that I wanted to give myself to,” I look down at my hands that I am nervously wringing, not sure where I’m going with this conversation. “But I felt so shattered by the fact that you couldn’t be honest with me, that everything our friendship had been built on seemed to crumble along with what could have been for us.”

He pulls my hand and leads me back to the lounge chair to sit. He motions for me to sit next to him and pulls me into a hug. It’s the same comforting embrace he gave me when we were friends.
When we were friends
. I never realized how much I’ve missed him in my life and I can’t help the tears that escape from me. He lifts my face, urging me to look at him, so I do. He stares into my eyes for what seems an eternity and I see pain in his. “There’s more going on here,” he states as if it’s a fact, which it is. “These tears are not about us, there’s something else going on, isn’t there?” At his question I completely fall apart and let him hold me, unable to contain my despair and fear any longer.

“Please, just tell me what’s going on,” he pleads while he rubs my back, trying to console me.

I wage an internal battle as to whether I should burden him with my baggage. The longer he waits for a response, the more I calm down. When I finally have the strength, I say the words that I’ve dreaded revealing.

“I have cancer,” I say it so quietly, that I’m not sure he hears me, so I repeat myself a little louder.

“You have cancer?”

I chanc
e a look at him and see the concern etched on his face. “I just found out the other day,” I say through my tears.

“Do you know the-" he pauses, trying to find the right words, “I don’t know how to phrase it…severity?”

“It’s Stage II, so I’ll go in on Wednesday to start chemotherapy. They’re planning a lumpectomy once I’ve finished that. I’m supposed to have six treatments.”

“I’m guessing you haven’t told anyone about it,” he says, already knowing the answer.

“My mom and dad know.” Without hesitation, he pulls me back to his chest and holds me while I continue to cry. My mom and dad are trying so hard to be strong for me, but I know they’re terrified. “They're not taking it well, so Mom’s coming to my appointment with me; she's a mess, while my dad is being uncharacteristically relaxed about the whole thing. I think he's in shock or has no idea how to react. I don’t know, maybe he’s trying to being strong for her.”

“What about Nev? Have you told her?”

“She knows what little I have told her,” I confess ashamed. I know she would do anything to help. “Up until yesterday, she knew nothing. I told her that I had found a lump, but I’d go in to find out this week; she doesn't know that everything was already confirmed.” Before I can say anything in response, I shake my head to answer what I know is his next question, “I don't want her to know yet.”

“Can I ask why? She's like a sister to you.” What he says is true, because Nevaeh has been as close to a sister as I could get, it didn’t matter that we’re not related by blood because there isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for each other.

“Has she seemed happy to you these two days?” I ask him, so I could justify my choice in not telling her and he nods, so I continue, “That's why, because if I tell her, she will focus all of her attention on me, and I haven’t seen her this happy with any man since…well, ever. I know she will be all over me soon enough smothering me with unnecessary concern. I
need
her to have this time to be happy.”

“Why do you do this? Why do you insist on playing the martyr?” The way that he says it with such annoyance immediately causes me to become defensive.

“Don’t confuse my caring for my friend as me being a martyr. I want her to be happy and if that’s a bad thing, then so be it.”

“You need to tell her,” he stresses, and I know he’s right. “She’ll be upset with you for keeping something so serious from her, and the longer you keep it from her, the more hurt she’s going to be. You need to let her be there for you.” I simply nod, because I know that I need Nev as much as she needs me. Just when I think we can shelve this conversation for the night, Drew asks something else of me, “Will you let me be there for you, too?”

“Drew, you live on the north side, and while I appreciate the offer, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking, I offered, can you please let me do this? I want to be there.”

“Why?”

He rolls his eyes, “You know why, don’t do that.”

“Do what? This is going to be hard enough to go through on my own. I don’t want or need an audience,” my voice cracks at my own words, because I don’t want anyone to see me going through this. If I could run away and do it on my own, I would in a heartbeat.

“I’m sorry but you are so selfish.” My jaw drops at his latest verbal lashing. “If someone,
me
,” he points to himself for added emphasis, “wants to be there, why can’t you just say, ‘thank you?’”

“Thank you? Are you fucking kidding me? I haven’t seen or talked to you in five years and I’m just supposed to open the door
up wide so you can see everything I’m going though? I’m throwing up all the time.
Thank you
. My hair is falling out.
Thank you
. I feel like crap and you have front row for all of it.
Thank you
!” I try to calm myself, because I know he’s just trying to be nice, but I’m not anywhere near being in the right frame of mind.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?”

“No shit! Of course I’m fucking scared. I have no clue what my future holds, what the treatments are like or if I’m going to make it. I am scared shitless!”

“Please, let me be there to support you. I know you’re scared and I’m scared for you, but I’ve always cared about you and what happens to you. Now that I have you here, I don’t want to lose you. I’m not sure I could go through that again because aside from everything else, I have missed our friendship. All of it.”