Beloved Evangeline (38 page)

Taking advantage of his gagging and coughing, his legs were swept out from under him by my own. I followed the outline of his falling body, straddling over him as he continued to choke. I punched him robotically, with no more feeling than when I set in to complete extraordinary tedious research. The only thought in my mind was that this all felt completely natural—there was a swiftness and grace to my movements.

The harder I hit him, the farther away his terrible deeds seemed to be pushed from me, until I could see them no longer. I no longer felt pain, sadness,
anything
. Not a single emotion was to be found, even in the darkest depths of my soul. Long after I felt I should stop, I was still swinging at his face.

I was barely in control of myself, like
I
was slipping away, disappearing. I pulled myself away from him, but was immediately drawn back.

I tried again.

No use.

Again and again I tried to pull myself from him, until finally, my body flung to the ground as though I’d been thrown from a moving truck.

I panted in the mud for a few moments, trying to allow my eyesight to readjust. It seemed a good idea to close my eyes, just for a few moments, for some much-deserved rest. A snarling sound filled my ears, but it didn’t seem important enough to merit my attention at that moment.

I awoke by way of a foot not so gently nudging my side.

“
Hey, you don’t look so good... you’re not dead again are you?” The vampire was standing over me.

I tried to will myself awake. I felt as though I could be still forever.

“
Where is he?” I croaked, my voice hoarse.

“
Over there.” Wesley shook his head. “Not going anywhere.”

My breathing accelerated, and I was suddenly wide awake and alert. “I... couldn’t... stop. I killed him, didn’t I?”

“
No, you didn’t, kid. He was still alive.”

Relief washed over me, like the moment after a horrific nightmare when you realize that none of it actually happened. But something he said sounded wrong.

“
What do you mean
was
?” I asked slowly.

“
He’s dead
now.
” Wesley shrugged. That familiar tone was in his voice again, but far more important issues needed addressing.

“
So I did kill him...”

“
No, you didn’t. He was still alive when I got here.” He grinned his terrible grin.

I looked at him quizzically.

“
You
killed him?”

“
All
I
did was to drastically deplete his blood supply. He was asking for it, really.” His right eyebrow cocked.

I cocked an eyebrow in response. The look on his face caused a sickening realization to take shape in my thoughts. I shook my head slowly. I’d been so stupid. “You killed him,” I began, thinking aloud. “That’s what you wanted. You let him go on purpose.”

Wesley stared out into the forest blankly for a few long moments. “I am sorry about the lie—the cross thing happened years ago. Do you know how long I’ve gone without human blood?” He finally asked.

The question caught me off guard. “Uh—obviously not. What’s that got to do with any...”

“
Everything. It has everything to do with what’s happened here tonight. Again I ask you, how long do you think it’s been?”

“
I dunno, how long was I out? Twenty minutes?” I demanded impatiently.

“
Before recently
, I had not harmed a human—with intent to drink their blood—in nearly three decades. And believe me, that feat was not accomplished without difficulty. Now that I’m off the wagon, I feel
alive
. I see everything in the world with razor-sharp clarity.”

I’d had all I could possibly take. “I get it. You think I’m pathetic, or, I don’t know, that I don’t have the stomach to make these decisions? I already know I’m a failure. You don’t have to gloat about it.”

“
Gloat
? I’m not trying to gloat about anything. I’m just trying to make you feel better about me killing our little friend over there.” He reached for my hand to help me off my feet; I ignored it, standing up on my own.

He looked puzzled as he examined his empty hand. “I was only trying to tell you that I can see the things in the world—and even some not of this world—for what they really are. I can’t summon even the smallest degree of sympathy for that man. The world is a better place without him in it.”

“
So you think I made the wrong decision. You don’t think I can handle this. Jonathan said something about worse things out there…”

“
The only certainty in this life is that things can always get worse.” He smiled his dark smile. “So what does it matter what I think?”

My eyes flashed at him with renewed worry.

“
Can I give you a lift somewhere, kid?”

It was strange being called ‘kid’ by someone who looked my same age. It suddenly gave me an uneasy feeling. If I’d learned anything at all in my life, it was that things were seldom what they appeared. There was a quality about him, besides being a vampire, that was not right. However, being that I didn’t even know where I was, it seemed like a good idea to accept a ride. I nodded in response.

We walked in silence through the forest. The forest that had seemed sinister just a few hours ago was now so serene and darkly beautiful. In my heart, I wanted nothing more than to stay in the lovely dark forest, and never leave. I felt the tugging—a gentle pulling at the edges of my soul. I could stay here. I
belonged
here. This otherworldly crevice in the earth was possibly the only place where I was not a misfit. My feet seemed to get heavier and heavier until I stopped walking altogether.

“
Something the matter?” The vampire asked.

My face crumpled uncertainly. “I want to
stay
.”

He smiled knowingly. “Feels good, doesn’t it? Feels like you
belong
. But staying here is tricky—you can lose yourself.”

The vampire didn’t trust my judgment. He’d lied to me just to kill Jonathan. My instinct was to argue these points with him, set the record straight.

Instead I said, “To hell with you.”

He shrugged. “I don’t believe I have the power to stop you, but resting somewhere else…”

I was already in motion, racing down to
my
tree, without so much as a second glance at the vampire.

I felt its smooth bark with my hands, but—I had remembered the bark being
white
. It was
black
. Instead of reaching skyward majestically, its limbs were impossibly gnarled.
Strange
.

Climbing its enormous branches, I soaked in the soothing ethereal glow from the rays of light beaming down from above, and I felt
warmth
, glorious, miraculous warmth. Before jumping to the ground, I carefully placed fresh leaves and seed pods of varying sizes into my pocket. I grabbed fistfuls of enormous fallen leaves and threw them wildly into the air above.

A black and gray wolf came to the edge of the stream—excitement filled my chest. My face lit up in a hopeful smile, but instead of returning the greeting, the wolf
growled
.

As I left the tree to investigate with a fading smile, I felt the warmth seeping away, and like a dying fire in the dead of winter, an aching, empty void is all that’s left when it’s gone. The toasty warmth was seeping from me with every step, and it was then that I understood: a gaping hole had been left inside me that—as long as I lived—could never really be filled.

The wolf ran.

I could feel my sense of self gradually returning, and I immediately thought of Nicky, Simon, and poor, poor Gavin. The thought of seeing them again comforted me to the slightest degree. I wasn’t warm, exactly—not sure I’d ever be capable of feeling warmth again by natural means—but less
achingly
cold than I had previously.

Wesley was still waiting for me at the edge of the ravine. Fortunately for him he said nothing.

We reached his car quickly.

Most people fit their cars. Wesley’s ride, however, was a kind of circa 1970s Buick hooptie. He was the fallacious embodiment of a romance novel cover—the car was not. I contemplated the rusted-through floorboard as we rode in funereal silence.

Never had I been so happy to arrive at a hospital. Nicky had already been discharged—she was completely unharmed.

Gavin had undergone several blood transfusions but was expected to fully recover. Visitation wouldn’t begin for another few hours, so I was unable to see him. I left a note with the staff, apologizing and wishing him a speedy recovery.

There was no mention of Simon.

Wesley waited patiently and drove me home.

It was nearly dawn when we reached the house.

“
Thank you—for everything,” I said. There was a strange need for me to find out where he’d come from, where he was going, how he’d upset my mother, but all I could force myself to ask was, “Will I see you again?”

His face went blank for a moment, and I took that to mean the answer was no. But he nodded and said, “I think you will know where to find me, if you ever need me again. My hope is that you never will.” His eyes were sincere.

I fought back a strange urge to cry, though I couldn’t exactly explain why. I nodded and waved good-bye. He watched me walk to my door, retrieve my spare key from underneath the window ledge and let myself inside. By the time I arrived in the window to signal all was well, he was gone.

32.

I cringed when I went to turn on the lights, thinking my electricity had probably long been shut off, but found the light flicked on as simply and as magically as ever. I breathed a sigh of relief at this simple pleasure.

So many things had happened, that it hadn’t once occurred to me to think of my appearance, so I received a jolt of fright when I looked in the bathroom mirror. A layer of dried blood and bits of nature encased me. Leaves and twigs stuck out of my tangled hair. I stripped out of my filthy clothes and hopped into the shower.

It was absolute perfection. I soaked in the hot water as steam filled the bathroom. Even with the hottest water I could get, I felt only a small degree of warmth, but still—it was something. When I’d finished drying myself off, I indulged by slathering on my most expensive ginger-scented lotion. Instead of leaves or seed pods inside my pockets, I found only dust.

Tired but far too wired for sleep, I decided to sit on my porch and soak up what was left of the beautiful, perfect night. A warm glow from the east gradually strengthened, until, as if by some miracle, streaks of golden light burst through the sky. As the sun strengthened enough to cause me discomfort, I finally retreated into the house to retrieve sunglasses and a hat.

Gavin was first on my list. I found him awake and in good spirits.

“
What the hell is this apology all about?” He demanded, waving my note in the air. “They said you saved my life with that jacket you put on my neck. Somehow it stopped the bleeding. I’ve spent some wild nights before, but that was absolutely, without question....
the
best
. Are you friggin’ kidding me? When do we get to that again?”

Not quite the response I’d been expecting, but I was too relieved he was relatively unharmed to worry too much about it—or worry about whatever bad feelings possibly remained between us. He actually seemed to be very comfortable. He had a million questions, most of which I politely or humorously deflected. Once I was sure of his health, I drove out to Mandarin to see Nicky. I found her in similarly good spirits—and also refusing to allow me to apologize for anything.