Beside the Brook (23 page)

Kirsten sat in silence in the darkness.
Home to what?
She wondered as they headed back to the house. How could she go back there and act as if this had all been one big accident? How could she face Beth, knowing she was responsible for the death of her second child? Nothing would ever be the same again.

“Kirsten, I need to get you to hospital. Your arm needs to be set.” Jamie stood in the kitchen under the bright halogens with the limb in question in his large hands. “I’m going to take the boat back to Sam’s, get the car and come back for you.”

Kirsten raised her sad green eyes to Jamie’s face. “You’re not leaving me here alone, Jamie. Not now.”

Jamie sighed. “Then I’ll take you with me.”

“No.” Kirsten shook her head. “I’m not getting back on a damn boat again tonight. Please don’t make me.”

“Okay.” Jamie smiled, lowered her arm and took her face between his hands instead.

“Let me at least get you out of these wet clothes.”

He stripped her clinging clothes carefully from her body until she stood, just in her underwear, in the middle of the kitchen. Then he lifted her gently off her feet and carried her to his bedroom.

“And before you say anything else, yes, you are sleeping with me tonight. I’m not leaving you alone like this.” He pushed the door and carried her across the floor to the bed. In the dark she sat and let Jamie help her out of her bra. Then she peeled off her knickers and climbed in between the blankets.

“What, you think I’m going to argue with that?” she asked as she listened to him undress on the other side of the room.

As he slipped in beside her Kirsten rolled and nestled into his warmth. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and she hung her arm over his back. She felt the floodgates open again and she cried into him. Her tears flowed down over the fine hairs of his chest and she clung to him as he held her against him.

“It’s okay.” His fingers traced the outline of her spine, down to her waist and he pulled her even closer to his body. “God, Kirsten. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” she sobbed.

“No, none of this is your fault. I should have looked after you. I should never have left like I did. I knew something wasn’t right with Tyler but I ignored it. If I’d just told you more, let you in . . .”

“I let you go,” Kirsten said with a sigh. “I should have explained, made things right between us.”

“You had a right to be mad at me. I put that damn wall up and let Tyler get to me again. It wasn’t right to take it out on you. If I’d just come to you none of this would have happened.”

“Jamie?” Kirsten asked in a whisper.

“Yes?”

“You knew about Sarah, didn’t you?”

“I guess I did,” Jamie confessed. “Though part of me never wanted to admit it. It was easier to turn a blind eye. It’s something I should have faced up to a long time ago.”

“Do you think Tyler is her father?”

Jamie sighed. “I really don’t know, Kirsten. It’s a strong possibility.”

“Don’t you want to know?”

“What would it solve now? Tyler’s gone.”

“For your own sake though, don’t you
need
to know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it tonight. I just want to make sure you’re alright.” He touched his lips to her forehead. “You’re shaking, are you still cold?”

“No,” Kirsten whispered.

They lay in silence for a few moments but the volume in the room was more than Kirsten could bear.

“Jamie?”

“Ah-huh?”

“I need to tell you what happened with Greg Hamilton.”

“It’s okay Kirsty, you don’t need to explain.”

“Yes I do. I should have told you earlier but I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject and it just never seemed like the right time.”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t on my mind tonight after everything that’s happened.”

“I know. But it was blown out of proportion and I want you to know my side of the story. Tyler didn’t even hear it from me. I think you should know that. He decided to go skulking into my closet before Beth hired me, and what he found must have looked pretty bad.”

“If he knew how to do one thing it was to manipulate a situation to his own advantage.”

Kirsten wiped a stray tear from her face. “God, I still can’t believe he’s gone.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jamie shook her gently, realised why she wanted to talk about something else. “Tell me your story.”

Kirsten sniffed and got herself under control again. Taking a deep breath she let it filter out between her lips.

“I went to work for Greg and Shantelle when their twins, Jaden and Connor, were born. Shantelle was an accountant, she had her own business, and Greg worked in the building industry, he was also self-employed. They both earned great money so it was just natural for them to hire a full time nanny so they could both continue working. They were a great couple and they seemed happy. There was never any awkwardness between us. Shantelle was a beautiful, confident person and everyone liked her. She treated me like part of the family. I’d have the weekends off but I’d often hang around the house because we got on so well.

“When the twins were eight months old Shantelle decided to take them to her mother’s in the North Island for a long weekend. I offered to stay and look after things while she was gone. You know, clean and cook for Greg.

“Greg had work on the Saturday so I cooked a huge evening meal for both of us. The wine flowed and we ate, chatted, and laughed. I remember a song on the radio because Greg made some comment, which struck me as rather odd, something about a guy he used to go to school with and I wasn’t sure what the association was. Anyway, that’s the last thing I remember clearly. The rest of the evening is still lost to me, save waking up in their bed with Greg naked beside me. I know it sounds terrible but it wouldn’t have been so bad if Shantelle hadn’t found us there. I spent the rest of the day puking my guts out and holding my head together before it split in two. It wasn’t until much later that someone suggested I’d been slipped something in the wine. If I had thought about it I could have gone to a doctor, been drug tested or something, but it was too late by then. It would have been my word against Greg’s, so I left without a fuss. It was only later, when I went to see a lawyer who dug up information on Greg’s past, that it all seemed to fit. He’d been arrested before he met Shantelle, on drugs charges, and there had also been a rape charge, which was dropped before it made it to court. It was almost enough

to make me take it further, but then I thought about Shantelle and what it would do to her and the boys, so I just left it.”

Jamie was quiet for a moment as he digested everything he had heard. Then he spoke in a soft raspy voice, “God, Kirsty. I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Kristen shrugged. “That’s why I should have told you. I had nothing to hide. Instead Tyler took this little tidbit of information and turned it into a sordid affair.”

“And the rest is history,” Jamie finished under his breath. Kirsten rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. The room was a grey blur of merging shadows but now her eyes had adjusted to the dark she could just make out Jamie’s face. Her arm throbbed and she knew there would be little sleep for her before she had to face the new day. Jamie lay quiet in his own thoughts, not sure what to say to make her feel any better. She was in his space, surrounded by the smells and sounds of his world, but something which should have been hers to build wonderful memories on just added to her sadness. She was naked in Jamie’s arms, but the events leading up to it were ultimately wrong. Nothing about it felt right.

Sadly she thought about Tyler. Even in death he had been victorious. He had driven a wedge between them and she wondered if anything would ever be normal between them again. The secrets they shared would forever be Tyler’s weapon against them.

* * * *

Kirsten kicked a stone along the dirt road. The echo resounded off the clay wall as it bounced, down through the Manuka trees toward the house. She picked her way along the driveway, down into the shade of the native bush. She cradled the day’s mail across her chest with one hand. Her other arm hung at her side, the purple cast swinging back and forth against her body. It covered most of her lower arm, and bent round her thumb, leaving her five appendages peeking from the end. Little tufts of cotton swabbing had frayed where she had poked a knitting needle in to ease the itching. She couldn’t wait for the day when it was time to have the cast removed. It had been nothing but a nuisance; a constant reminder of what they had all been through. She found Jamie by the fence of the old horse paddock. His back was turned to her as he leaned over the old wooden railing, staring off into space as if the world had come to rest on his shoulders.

He turned and smiled as she approached.

“Hi, there.”

Kirsten grinned as she pulled a large manila envelope from the pile and waved it in front of Jamie’s face. “It came.”

It had been her ritual to check the mail every day since they had arrived home from the hospital.

Talking Jamie into taking the test had been one thing, but actually getting him to open the envelope was going to be another, she decided, as the expression on his face dropped.

“Open it, Jamie.” She lifted his hand to take the letter from her.

“I don’t know if I can.” Jamie eyed the envelope with speculation, as if it might explode in his face. He took a deep breath, looked at Kirsten and then let the air go in one massive blow.

“Of course you can.” She dropped her smile and gave him a serious glare. “You know she’s still your daughter regardless of what a piece of paper says.”

Jamie smiled, but his brows were drawn together into tiny lines. “I know. But I’ve had this in the back of my mind for so long. I don’t quite know what I’ll do once I know the truth.”

Kirsten touched his hand. “It’s something else you can finally put behind you.”

Carefully Jamie tore the top of the envelope, creating a little curl of brown paper as the end ripped away. Kirsten took it from him and twisted it in her fingers impatiently. He reached inside and pulled a thin sheet of paper from the envelope. Kirsten could see the hospital insignia through the back of it but could not make out the words below.

“What does it say?” Her voice was shrill and impatient. “Jamie?”

His face was expressionless as he read the results again. Kirsten’s heart dropped in her chest. The news obviously confirmed the fears he had carried for so many years.

“Oh, Jamie. I’m sorry.”

Jamie lifted his gaze to hers; deep lines dimpled his cheeks as his face broke into a smile. “What are you sorry for? She’s mine.”

“Oh, Jamie!” She launched herself upon him and the papers flew through the air, along with the rest of the mail, onto the grass. He grabbed her around the waist and swept her into a bear hug.

“God, Kirsty. She’s mine,” Jamie repeated as if he could hardly believe it himself.

“That’s wonderful.” Kirsten bent to pick up the mail once Jamie set her back on her feet. The look on his face meant more to her than he would ever know. Something good had finally come from everything that had happened. Her eyes shone with tears as she stood to face him, the mail back under control once more.

“Kirsten.” Jamie reached for her but she pulled her arm away. He knew her tears meant more than just her happiness over his welcome news.

“Don’t.” Her eyes pleaded with him. “Please.”

She turned from him and started to walk away.

“Kirsten, wait.” Jamie’s words followed but his body didn’t. She quickened her pace and left him standing where she had found him.

She entered the house through the back door, dropped the mail on the table and followed the corridor up the stairs to the third floor like she had done so many times before. Her bedroom door stood open and the boxes, which had been there that morning, were gone. The room looked as it had on the first day she arrived. She walked to the wardrobe and opened the doors. Empty clothes hangers rattled as the shift in air moved them on the rail.

Kirsten crossed to the window and peered down at the bay for the last time. A lonely Shag floated on the water near the jetty. She could just make out the black form as it bobbed up and down. As she watched it bent its neck and disappeared under the water with a twitch of its tail feathers.

She moved to the bedside cabinet and picked up her handbag. It was the last thing of hers in the room. Silently she reached in, pulled out a small velvet box and placed it on the nightstand.

Then she turned and left the room without a second glance. She took the elevator down to the ground floor. She didn’t want to pass the grand bookshelves, now missing their books, standing empty and bare.

Kirsten walked along the back corridor again and into the kitchen. Craig was perched on a kitchen stool at the back door, having a cigarette.

“Hey, there.”

“Hey, Craig,” she said with affection.

“Your Dad’s out the front with the girls.”

Kirsten smiled as Craig placed Beth in the same category as Sarah.

“You look after her, won’t you?” Kirsten teased with a grin.

“Oh, don’t you worry about that little lady. I intend to.”

Kirsten giggled. “It’s been nice working with you, Craig.”

The big man stubbed out his cigarette with one foot, then came back inside to give her a hug.

She wiped a tear from her face as he let her go.

“Now look what you made me do.” Kirsten batted him playfully with her good hand. She walked out through the dining room and into the lounge. The French doors had been thrown open to another summer day, and she could see her father, standing with Beth on the front steps of the patio. He had on a plaid jacket, even though he would be roasting in the heat, and his hands were planted in the pockets of his blue jeans. Beth looked up as she approached and smiled.

“There she is. We were just talking about you.”

“Kirsten!” Sarah yelled from the lawn. She ran up the hill and launched herself into Kirsten’s arms. Kirsten hoisted her onto her hip and the little girl looped her legs around her waist, dropped her head onto her shoulder.