Betrayal (33 page)

At six o'clock, Lisa decided she'd waited long enough. 'I think I'd like to see Jessica now,' she remarked casually.

'Of course,' agreed Neal, having decided that he'd handled the situation all wrong after Alexi's birth and determined to make amends. 'I'll go for a ride for an hour. Will you be eating dinner with me or would you prefer it in your room?'

'I'd like to eat with you.'

He nodded his acknowledgement of the game that was to become so familiar over the next few months. Every concession over Jessica would be rewarded with some open sign of gratitude, but neither of them would ever speak of what was happening. He only wished Naomi had been as quick to understand how he liked things to be.

Lisa was trembling with anticipation when she reached the upper floor and almost fell into Janice's arms. 'How is she?' she asked, her eyes searching the room. 'Did the home set her back a lot?'

The nurse's eyes were sympathetic. 'Quite a bit, but I'm sure she'll get over it. Naturally even here things have been strange, and when you remember how much she needed a fixed routine it isn't surprising if she's a bit disturbed.'

'Where is she?'

'Probably on her bed. She spends a lot of time there at the moment.'

'I thought she'd be crashing around on all this furniture. It's such a lovely big room.'

Janice didn't reply and Lisa went into the bedroom. Jessica was huddled into a ball on top of the duvet, a piece of tea towel clutched in one hand and what looked like a snooker ball in the other. She was sucking on the cloth and rolling the ball against her face as she hummed tunelessly to herself , her eyes fixed blankly on the opposite wall.

'Jessica!' Lisa's voice was soothing. 'It's Mummy, darling. Everything's going to be all right now.' Bending down she put her arms round the apparently limp figure.

For a brief moment nothing happened, then Jessica erupted into a kicking, screaming bundle of rage and she hurled the snooker ball at her mother's face. Lisa tried to dodge, but the ball caught her on the cheekbone and split the skin.

Janice gasped and hurried off for a damp cloth while Jessica continued tearing round her bedroom, screaming and banging herself against every hard object she could find. Then she stopped, stood on tiptoe for a moment and studied her hands carefully before turning her finger nails on herself and carving ten long gouges out of her own cheeks. Then she began to laugh.

Lisa covered her mouth, terrified that she was going to be sick. She couldn't stay in the bedroom any longer but ran from it, slamming the door shut behind her. 'What on earth's she doing?' she cried, dabbing ineffectually at the stream of blood and aware of a lump forming on her cheekbone.

'I don't know. She hasn't been that bad before, but she does have these terrible temper tantrums that erupt from nowhere. In between times she's like you first saw her, almost too docile.'

'She attacked me because I sent her away.'

'She can't reason things out like that. I expect you frightened her.'

'I think she does reason things out, in which case I can't blame her for resenting what's been done to her. Oh, God! I hope I've done the right thing.'

'Of course you have. I rung the therapist as you asked me and they're sending someone round in a couple of weeks.'

'Can't they come sooner? I'm afraid that my husband might want me in London by then and… '

'I couldn't tell them that. They were adamant that you must be going to be here for at least three hours every day, so how could I explain?'

'Three hours every day?' Lisa was horrified. If Neal could feel jealous of Alexi, he wasn't going to be very understanding about Jessica keeping her tied to the house.

'I shall have to make my own arrangements once I've met the therapist,' she said at last. 'How does my face look now?'

'Rather a mess!'

'I'd better say her head caught me when she ran to greet me. If he thought she'd thrown that ball thing, he'd go mad. What on earth is it anyway?'

'It looks like a billiard ball. She was clutching it when I collected her.'

Lisa glanced at her watch. 'Look at the time! Neal will be back soon. I must go and get changed. I'll have a long bath. I don't want him to think… '

The nurse watched Lisa thoughtfully. Obviously Neal the husband wasn't quite so malleable as Neal the lover. 'How's the baby?' she asked, trying to cheer Lisa up.

'He's fantastic! A bit noisy, but very alert and it's wonderful to have a baby I can actually cuddle. The first time I picked him up I waited for him to go rigid or loll about. When he didn't I could have cried. I can't tell you what a relief it is. Not that he helps poor Jessica, but it's nice for me to be able to give some love without having it rejected.'

'Better make sure your husband gets his love too,' cautioned Janice.

'I know, and he doesn't want his rejected either! It's lovely to have you around again. The staff here don't care for me. Well, I must get ready for dinner. I'll come tomorrow but I can't say when.'

After Lisa had gone, Janice looked at Jessica who was busy picking an old trainer to pieces. 'I hope it all proves worthwhile,' she murmured to herself. 'Your mother's taken quite a risk for you, my girl.'

Jessica, totally oblivious, continued with her destruction of the shoe.

Chapter Twenty

It proved difficult for Lisa to spend an hour a day with Jessica during her first week home. Neal, who seemed to be taking a rest from business except for long talks on the telephone, wanted her attention whenever Alexi left her free. Certain that he was testing her—possibly even hoping for a chance to complain that her daughter was monopolising her—Lisa was very cautious. Her solution was to spend the time when she was meant to be resting in bed, with her daughter.

After ten days, Neal suggested that they left Alexi with his nanny for four days since he had urgent meetings in London and this would give Lisa an opportunity to look round the shops. Realising she'd be away when the touch therapist called, Lisa hesitated.

'Surely you'd like some new outfits?' Neal was amazed. 'After those ghastly maternity clothes I'd imagined you were longing to get into something more exciting.'

'I'm still not back to my proper shape. I think I ought to wait until I've shed a few more pounds.'

'Really, Lisa! When you've shed a few more pounds you can buy more clothes!'

She still couldn't get used to the way he liked her to spend his money, and actually found it difficult to spend as much as he would have liked. This wasn't due to lack of interest in clothes but rather to her acute awareness that this area was his side of the marriage bargain. Every new dress, every hat, put her more deeply in his debt. 'What about the dinner party Saturday week? Surely I ought to stay here and get that organised? We do have thirty guests, ten of them staying the whole weekend. It would be dreadful if anything went wrong.'

'Be honest,' said Neal. 'You're not really ready to leave Alexi, are you?'

She gave a sigh of relief and smiled, 'I'm afraid not!'

'As long as you don't make a habit of staying here. That's how it began with Naomi.'

'I promise I won't. Do you have to stay away four days?' she continued, knowing such reassurances of her affection mattered to him.

'Unfortunately yes, but it's nice to know you'll miss me.'

Feeling that for once fate was on her side, Lisa was therefore on her own when the therapist came to visit and assess Jessica. A pleasant-looking woman in her middle thirties with a very calm and reassuring manner, she spent an hour watching Jessica and the same amount of time discussing Lisa's own childhood.

'So your adoptive mother wasn't physically demonstrative?'

'No, but that only made me all the more determined to show my own children love. It was dreadful when Jessica first rejected me, before I understood her condition. I wondered if I was totally unlovable myself.'

'At least you didn't repeat your mother's mistakes, that's the usual pattern. You do realise that sitting for an hour at a time and holding your daughter against her will will prove tremendously difficult, both physically and emotionally?'

'Yes.'

'Once you start this treatment it's vital that you persevere. If you do it half-heartedly or start missing days, Jessica won't understand. She might even regress. Unfortunately some children regress anyway. The confrontation with their fears is too much for them and they retreat even more. If that started to happen, we'd have to stop the treatment.'

'If it does help and she starts to improve, how much better will she get?'

'We don't know. All autistic children are different; there's no cut and dried answer.'

'Will she ever be cured?'

Mrs Honeywood felt sorry for this sad-eyed young woman who so patently adored her daughter. 'It would be wrong of me to say yes. There are reports of children going on to attend normal school after treatment, and they appear to fit in very well, but we don't yet know the long-term prognosis. To date, incidence of previously autistic children becoming normal adults is very rare, and when it has happened we can't be sure that the individual was truly autistic to begin with. Diagnosis is difficult even for experts.'

'In other words, I mustn't expect too much from this?'

'You must believe in what you're doing, just don't set your sights too high. Wouldn't it be reward enough to find that Jessica no longer shunned human company? To be able to hold and talk to her like any other child?'

'If only people knew more about this!' Lisa burst out. 'No one's ever able to give proper answers to my questions. Everything is so confused, no wonder the children are muddled!'

'I know. It's such a rare and anti-social condition that the public don't seem interested. Other disabled children fare far better. These are truly the lost children; lost in their own world and in ours.'

'It isn't fair!' said Lisa fiercely. 'I'm going to fight for Jessica, and for other children like her.'

Mrs Honeywood's spirits lifted. 'You mean your husband would be willing to put his name to our charitable efforts? It would make a tremendous difference.'

'No, I didn't mean that. My husband isn't at all interested in autistic children in general, or Jessica in particular. I'll be quite frank with you—everything that we do with Jessica will have to be fitted round his absences. I promise that I won't miss a day but I can't promise I'll always know the exact time when I'll be able to sit with her. Often it will mean a special journey from London and back.'

'It's a very draining experience emotionally. You may not feel like going to London after a session with Jessica.'

'I can believe that, but unless I do, Jessica will suffer. As you've pointed out, it's vital that therapy is continuous.'

Mrs Honeywood nodded. 'I ought to be here the first couple of times just to help you through it. After that Jessica's nurse can probably provide all the support you need. When would you like to start?'

Lisa flipped through her social diary. The pages were full of hair appointments, dress fittings, social events, dinners, lunches—the time-consuming trivia that was intended to fill her days.

'We've got a dinner party next Saturday. Some of the guests don't leave until Sunday afternoon. I can easily say I'm tired and stay here on Monday, although I'm meant to be in town. Shall we say Monday at eleven a.m?'

'That would be splendid. If this proves too much for you, Mrs Gueras, you musn't feel that you've failed. I've known many women who gave up because of lack of support from their partners. On top of which, you've got a new baby to care for.'

'Don't worry about Alexi. He's got more attendants than the Princess of Wales! I shan't give up. I can't, otherwise all this was for nothing.'

The therapist didn't know what Lisa meant but she could feel the pain behind the words. 'With your approach we should do very well,' she encouraged, but secretly she had her doubts.

At six-thirty on the evening of the dinner party, Lisa was in the master suite letting her stylist from Jean-Louis David put the finishing touches to her new style. How Neal had managed to persuade such a busy man to come to Berkshire she couldn't imagine, but he was very cheerful and full of admiration for his own handiwork.

'Wonderful!' he enthused. 'Such a good idea to take some of the curl out. Far more sophisticated.'

'I feel as though half my hair's been pulled out in the process!' 'Did you want some touches of glitter on the top?'.

She glanced at the black and gold Valentino creation lying on the bed. 'Perhaps a little. I don't want to overdo it though.'

When he finally left she stared at herself in the mirror. Her face was definitely too thin at the moment but it accentuated her eyes, and she knew that Neal admired her increasingly fragile beauty. She was about to step into her dress when he came out of the dressing-room, fiddling with his cuff links. 'Wait a moment!' he instructed, walking up to her, his hand reaching out to caress her left breast. She tried to pull away but he was too quick and she didn't want it to turn into a struggle.

Running his finger round the exposed nipple, he watched as it hardened into a tight peak. Then his hand cupped the breast, lifting it slightly so that he could lower his mouth to the creamy flesh.

'Neal, please let go. People will be arriving in a minute and I've just had my face and hair done.'

'I'm nowhere near your face and hair. I can't wait much longer, Lisa. Every time I see you like this I want you. Don't you want me too?'

In a way she did. She missed the comforting feel of his body against hers and the attentive care his lovemaking demonstrated. 'Yes,' she admitted.

'Then why keep me waiting?'

'I…'

'I'm moving back tonight,' he said firmly. 'We'll take it from there. Let's see what that dress looks like.'

It fitted her like a glove, nipping tightly in at the waist and then out over her slim hips, accentuating every tiny curve. Cream lace frothed at the top of the bodice, just covering her breasts, but its off-the-shoulder neckline created an illusion of nakedness, emphasized by the way the back plunged to the waist in a deeply slashed V.

Neal ran a finger down her spine. 'Quite exquisite! Just by chance I think I have the very thing to set it off to perfection.' From his pocket he took a long, slim box. When he opened it she gasped at the gleaming gold necklace studied with huge emeralds that shimmered in the overhead light. 'Let me put it on,' he murmured, his fingers brushing the nape of her neck as he fastened the clasp.

Once again she stared into the mirror. The necklace looked heavy against her fragile bones and she knew that she now looked even more frail and exotic, and that every woman in the room would envy her. 'How did you know what to buy? I tried to keep the dress a secret.' 'A little bribe in the right place can obtain secrets far more important than those of fashion, Lisa.'

'I'd better remember that,' she said slowly. For a moment their eyes met in the mirror and neither of them was smiling. Then she lifted her face to kiss him and her brief moment of disquiet vanished.

When they finally descended the stairs she knew she'd never looked better and that Neal had never been so proud of her before. Once their guests began to arrive they were separated but he rarely took his eyes off her for more than a few minutes, as though watching added to his anticipation of the coming night.

She was talking to a Dutch jeweller who remembered Simon when she suddenly felt the lightest of touches on her back, right at the base of the cut-away V, and without looking she knew at once that it was Renato Bellini. With a final smile at the Dutchman she turned round and glanced up at him, grateful that he couldn't tell how fast her heart was racing.

'Bravo!' he enthused, bending his head over her hand. 'You look every inch the model wife.'

'And you look every inch the dashing Italian!' she countered, wondering how many men could have got away with the wine-coloured evening suit he was wearing to such devastating effect.

'How well we play our roles! I will talk to you later. Right now I think I should go to your husband who is watching me very closely.'

'I hope you've brought a partner.'

'But naturally;another Sarah, Elizabeth, Caroline or Jane. I will recognise her by her laugh!'

She watched him cross the room to Neal and hoped she wasn't looking as flustered as she felt. It was demeaning to find that he could still affect her now she was a married mother of two with a husband who lavished gems on her and constantly desired her.

But of course there was the other side to Neal. The side that surfaced when Alexi was born and they'd battled over Jessica. He hadn't behaved like a man in love then. Nor would he if she refused him tonight. No, Neal's love was conditional. Sometimes, Lisa wondered if any other kind existed.

She wasn't seated next to Bellini at dinner. The man on her left was young and amusing, while on her right she had the kindly Dutch jeweller, and the meal passed pleasantly. After coffee she glanced at Neal to see if he wanted the women to withdraw but he shook his head slightly. Surprised, she remained in her seat, treating herself to a small brandy and hoping it wouldn't make Alexi drunk when she next fed him. He was starting to be weaned on to the bottle but she usually gave him his six a.m. feed, enjoying the lovely baby smell of his chubby body when he snuggled against her.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realise people were walking away from the table, drinks in hand, and over to a small cabinet from which Neal had just taken a silver bowl with a tightly fitting lid. Placing the lid on one side he put a smaller silver spoon into the bowl and then walked away, quickly becoming immersed in what looked like a business conversation.

Both her dinner companions had left the table and were over by the bowl; in fact, scarcely anyone was left seated. She was quite relieved to see Bellini lounging back, dwarfing even the large Queen Anne dining-chair, eyes fixed on his fellow guests as they chatted and giggled on the other side of the room. When he realised that Lisa was alone he came to sit by her, eyebrows raised. 'Not your scene?'

'What?'

'Why, the coke your husband's so generously supplied.'

Astonished, she studied their visitors again and saw that they were busy spooning white powder into the thin lines, eyes sparkling with excitement. 'I didn't realise. I thought Neal was against drugs.'