Betrayed (5 page)

"I used to sleep in my dad's room at least part of every night when I was, I don't know, maybe about three," Rae
told him. "Sometimes I'd go in and sleep on the floor by the bottom of the bed. I didn't want to wake him up. I just
wanted to be in there."

Jesse shot her a grateful smile, then continued. "I'd get out of bed, and I'd go right up to my door, and I'd crack it
open. And then I'd slam it shut real fast. Because even though I knew I was awake and everything, I kept thinking the
dog was still out there. Sometimes I could hear it growling. Or, you know, I thought I could. And I was sure it would
kill me before I could make it to my mom. The hall was really short, but-" Jesse shrugged.

"So you just stayed in your room by yourself?" Rae asked, her heart cramping for the scared little boy Jesse used
to be.

"Yeah. And I kept picturing how big the dog was and how if it really wanted to, maybe it would rip right through my
door. Man, I had that dream a couple of times a week for more than a year, I bet," Jesse said. "And dogs, big ones,
still give me the creeps."

I wonder if that big scary dog was the dream version of Jesse's dad, Rae thought. Anthony'd told herthat Jesse's
father had beat up on his mom. And she'd seen for herself how terrified Mrs. Beven was that her ex-husband would
somehow track down her and Jesse.

Rae didn't ask Jesse what he thought of her dad/dog theory. Yeah, she wanted to score enough brownie points to
make it out of group for good. But there were limits. "Okay, big dogs," she said. "What else?"

"What else?" Jesse repeated. "What else? What else?"

"You're starting to sound like Allison," Rae whispered. Allison was this girl in group who repeated every question
Abramson asked her until she thought up some kind of answer. Sometimes Allison would repeat the question seven
or eight times.

"What else?" Jesse said again, making his voice a little higher and putting on a heavy southern accent, Allison
style. He and Rae both cracked up.

"How's it going over here?" Ms. Abramson dragged a folding chair over to Rae and Jesse and sat down. "Fine,"

Rae answered, choking down a laugh. "Yeah, fine," Jesse said.

"Great. Keep going. I'll just sit in for a while," Ms. Abramson told them. She crossed her arms-her I-lift-weights
arms-over her knees and leaned forward,like she was expecting whatever Jesse and Rae had to say to be
fascinating.

"I just told Rae that I was afraid of dogs-just big ones," Jesse said. "Now it's her turn."

Rae narrowed her eyes at him. Jesse's turn was in no way over. But Ms. Abramson had already turned her gaze-laser-beam intense-on Rae.

Say something, Rae ordered herself. Anything. But it was like someone had mopped out her brain with some of
that industrial-strength disinfectant. There was nothing in there. "Um, what am I most afraid of?" Rae muttered,
ignoring Jesse's amused snort.

"Not exactly a fun-or easy-thing to think about, I know," Ms. Abramson said, her brown eyes still locked on Rae's
face. "Let's try it from a slightly different angle. What are you most afraid to lose?"

"My father," Rae blurted, the answer coming as a blast of emotion. "And An-and my… my friends," she added. She
cringed inwardly, realizing she'd almost said Anthony-in front of Jesse. Who would of course report every word to
Anthony. Jesse treated Anthony like a big brother.

Ms. Abramson leaned even closer to Rae, close enough that Rae could hear each breath Ms. Abramson took. Why
was she breathing so fast? Shewas almost panting. "Anything else?" Ms. Abramson asked.

"Friends and family, that's the big stuff," Rae answered, flashing briefly on Yana. Their fight had left this jagged
hole inside Rae, a hole that constantly ached, no matter what Rae was doing or thinking about. But I'm going to fix
things with her, Rae promised herself.

Rae could feel Ms. Abramson's hot breath against her cheek. "Okay, and how would you be most afraid to die?"

Ms. Abramson asked, her voice low and intense.

"What?" Rae exclaimed, giving an involuntary jerk away, the legs of her metal chair squealing.

"Fear of death is probably the biggest fear any of us have," Ms. Abramson explained. "But what is the way that
would most terrify you? A long, slow illness? Drowning? Fire?"

My body eating itself the way my mother's did, Rae thought. She couldn't bring herself to speak the fear aloud,
although she knew Abramson would love it if Rae had scraped that deep. "Um, drowning would probably be in my
top ten," Rae answered. "I don't know how to swim, and being in deep water freaks me out."

I wonder if Anthony and I will ever get back to our swimming lessons, Rae thought, rememberinghow it had felt to
float in the water, his arms holding her up. The lessons had ended after Anthony found out that Rae had tracked
down his father for him-and found Tony Fascinelli in prison. But Rae'd always thought they'd get back to them
because when Anthony told you he was going to do something, he did it.

"What else would be on your top ten?" Ms. Abramson asked, inching her chair closer to Rae's.

God, does she have to sound so eager? "I-I don't know," Rae muttered. "Probably the same kinds of things
anyone would say-fire, dis-" Her voice caught. "Disease, you know," she finished.

Ms. Abramson nodded, and Rae's muscles relaxed slightly. Hopefully all the deep sharing was finally done now.

It didn't seem like Ms. Abramson was ever going to let me out of there, Rae thought as she headed to the parking
lot of the Oakvale Institute. Rae'd almost gotten through the group-therapy-room door when Ms. Abramson had
pulled her back in and told her that the conversation about fears might bring about some nightmares and that Rae
should feel free to call her if she needed to before the next session. Like that would happen. Well, the nightmare part
might happen, but Rae didn't plan on calling Ms.Abramson if it did. These little group therapy sessions were bad
enough.

Rae climbed into the passenger seat of her dad's Chevette and closed the door with a soft click. He hated it when
people slammed his baby's doors.

"How'd it go today?" her father asked as he paper-clipped a page in yet another book about King Arthur.

Rae shrugged. She never knew what to say when her dad asked her about group. "It was fine," she told him when
he didn't make a move to put the key in the ignition. "Ms. Abramson, she really focuses on us, you know. She's
always telling me I can call her between sessions if I want." Which to Rae seemed at least borderline obsessive, but
she figured it would make her dad happy.

"Good for her," Rae's father said. He started the car and pulled out of the parking place. When he got to the
driveway, Rae put her hand on his arm.

"Wait. Go right," she burst out. "I want you to drop me off at Anthony's-if it's okay. He'll drive me home from there."

"I live to serve-and chauffeur," her father answered, making the right.

She hadn't seen Anthony since those two seconds before school yesterday. He hadn't been in the caf at lunch,
and she didn't have any classes with him.

If she didn't see him soon, she'd go nuts. She needed to look at him at least-maybe that would give her some clue
what he was thinking, how he was feeling. Unless he'd already forgotten about kissing her. Unless to him it was no
big deal. Was that possible?

Well, let's see, he didn't call you back last night. But that could be because his little brother didn't give him the
message. Yeah, she couldn't help adding, or it could be because he wasn't in the mood. Because unlike you, he
doesn't feel like he's going to jump out of his skin if the two of you don't at least talk soon.

"I've been meaning to ask you, any birthday wishes?" her father said, pulling her away from her thoughts. "Do you
want a party? It's getting late, but we could still pull it together for the weekend."

A birthday party. With all my little friends from school. He's probably picturing cake, candles, and pin-the-petal-on-the-daisy. Rae couldn't help smiling as she remembered her father laboriously cutting huge flower petals out of
construction paper for her sixth birthday.

"Or we could go out. How about Nacoochee with Anthony and Yana?" her father suggested. "You love that place.

Roasted corn chowder. Butterscotch brownie sundaes."

"Maybe," Rae answered. If Anthony ever voluntarily makes an effort to see me, she added silently. If I can convince
Yana that I didn't stab her in the back by then. She'd left Yana at least six messages on her machine yesterday, and
nothing.

"Let me know. Whatever you want," her father said. "It's not every day you turn sixteen."

And maybe you won't, a little voice in Rae's head whispered. You might have what your mom had. And even
though it's going slower and you only get the numb spots after you go fingertip-to-fingertip with someone, any day
your body could turn on itself. Rae shook her head, trying to hurl the thought away. That thought-that fear of dying
by the wasting disease her mother had-sliced into her brain about a million times a day. She'd be doing something
normal, like brushing her teeth, and wham, she'd suddenly picture herself with her teeth falling out, her tongue
rotting away. Maybe last time the funny feeling on her tongue had turned out to just be strep throat, but she never
stopped imagining what she would do if it came back, and it wasn't strep throat, or anything that could be cured
with a simple dose of antibiotics.

"You need to make a left at the light," Rae told her dad. She concentrated on reading every street sign they passed,
needing to occupy her brain withsomething nice and normal. Almost too soon, they turned onto Anthony's street.

"It's the fourth one on the left," Rae said. The last two words came out in a hoarse whisper because all the saliva
had evaporated from Rae's throat. Parked in Anthony's driveway was Yana's bright yellow VW Bug.

What's Yana even doing here? Rae wondered, confused. She and Anthony only know each other because they're
both friends with me.

Or used to be friends with her. Maybe that's why Yana's here, Rae thought hopefully. She knew Yana had a lot of
pride, and it wouldn't be easy for her to say she was sorry for jumping all over Rae the way she had. So maybe
she'd come to Anthony instead for advice on how to make up with Rae.

Rae hesitated, trying to process the situation. Even if that's true, should I really try to talk to either of them right
now? It's not like either conversation is something that would work well with an audience.

Rae's father pulled over to the curb in front of Anthony's house. "You want me to wait and make sure Anthony can
bring you home?" he asked.

Rae blinked. Right, her dad. It wasn't like she could suddenly change her mind and tell him to turn around and take
her home. He'd worry. And Rae's dad worrying was never a good thing.

"I'm sure he won't mind driving me," she said. She knew Anthony that well. If she didn't have a ride, he'd give her
one, whether he liked it or not.

"See you later," she told her dad, then climbed out of the car.

Okay, I can do this, she thought. I know what I want to say to Yana… and to Anthony. Now I just have to say it. She
pulled in a deep breath and started across the front lawn. Through the front window she saw Anthony and Yana
sitting together on the couch, Anthony's little sister between them.

She drew in a quick breath-surprised at the sight. It looked like they were just… hanging out. Almost like she'd be
intruding or something. Maybe she should turn around now and go get a bus, or Too late. Anthony had spotted her.

He was on his feet and heading for the front door.

And life or fate or whatever makes the decision for me, Rae thought. She straightened her shoulders and strode to
the front door, reaching it just as Anthony swung it open. "Uh, hi," she said. Those were the only words she could
remember. If uh even counted as a word.

"Hi," Anthony answered, not making a move to let her into the house.

"What is she doing here?" Rae heard Yana demand.

So, there went the theory about Yana being ready to make up. Rae couldn't believe the tone of Yana's voice-she
had no right to sound so mad that Rae was at Anthony's.

"Are you going to make me stand out here on the porch all day?" Rae asked.

Wordlessly Anthony stepped back, allowing Rae inside. The first thing she saw when she entered the hallway was
Yana glaring at her, blue eyes bright with anger.

"Yana, uh, hi," Rae managed to get out. "I'm… I'm glad you're here. I've been trying to talk to you. Did you get my
messa-"

"I am not even going to be in the same room with you," Yana spat out. She turned on her heel and stalked down
the hallway and disappeared into the kitchen.

Rae's blood turned to lava. She was surprised her skin wasn't smoking. Yana was supposed to be her best friend,
and she wouldn't even give Rae two minutes to "She's really pissed off at you," Anthony mumbled.

"Yeah? Well, I'm really pissed off at her," Rae exclaimed. "She should know me too well to think that I'd go behind
her back and-forget it. I should be telling her this, not you." Rae took one step downthe hall, then Anthony grabbed
her by the elbow.