Better Than Another Man (9 page)

“I want it to be,” I said, and I meant it. “I want to be here, with you.”

“I know you do, for now. But it won’t last…”

“You don’t know that!” I protested.

“Yeah, Bry, I do. Can you see yourself taking the place of that dildo? Will you ever be able to do that or allow me to make love to you?”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I simply shook my head and gave a half-hearted shrug. I honestly didn’t think that I could, and it killed me.

Carey continued. “You said yourself you still want to fuck women. This is what I do know, you will have a girlfriend, as sure as I will have another boyfriend someday. And it’s not your fault and it’s not mine. It’s just not going to work. I will always know that you are sacrificing what you want and need for me, and I won’t be getting everything that I need from you. And I want that. I want someone completely.”

That was my ultimate fear, that I wouldn’t be able to fulfil his needs in a way that would wholly satisfy him, but he would give up those things because he loved me. I wanted Carey to have it all.

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” I explained. “I want so badly to be with you. You are in my every thought. How can this be wrong?”

“It’s not wrong. It’s just not meant to be for us.”

“I’ll try harder. I’ll use the fuckin’ toys, I’ll try the butt plugs. I’ll watch gay porn until I can do it. I’ll…” I was willing to try anything. I wanted to be with him. I needed it. At the moment it was all I wanted. To be close to him. Nothing bothered me when I was in his reassuring arms.

“
You’ll
watch gay porn?” He eyed me.

“Okay, I’ve already tried.”

“And how’d that go?” He waited.

I bit the inside of my cheek. “I got…aroused,” I clarified, slowly.

Carey shook his head and grabbed my neck. “You shouldn’t have to work at it. You should just want it. And like work, if you have to labour at it, it will become monotonous and a chore. You’ll want to do it even less than you do now. We’ll end up resenting each other.”

“But they say even in a marriage that you have to make the effort.”

“But not at the onset. In the beginning it should be all fireworks. Besides, what would you have done when all the guys from home found out? Or if we wanted to hold hands walking down the street?”

“I told you before, I’d be lucky to have you and proud to walk down the street with you by my side. I am now. I always have been.”

He sighed and shook his head.

“You can’t fight who you are. It never works. I know this from experience.”

“You knew this wasn’t going to work, didn’t you?”

His lips tightened.

“So why did you go along with it then?”

“Aw, that’s a good question. Did you ever want something so badly that you’d give just about anything to have it? Well, that’s what this is to me. This is something I’ve always wanted and I never thought it would ever be possible. So I was willing to risk it and be with you as much as I could before you realised it wasn’t what you wanted.”

It made me feel even more like shit. “Why can’t loving each other be enough? It should just all fall into place.”

Carey pulled me into arms and we held each other. “Loving each other
is
enough.”

* * * *

I was surprised to find that I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. Bryan and I had some time and that was more than I ever thought possible. Bryan loved me and he always would. Maybe that was all I needed. Even though we couldn’t be together in the way that I once thought was the only way that my life would be complete, it was enough that we’d had this time, with no regrets.

* * * *

We tried, a few times after that, but Carey was correct, no matter how hard we tried, in the end it just wasn’t right. Not for me and not enough for him. I wanted him to have everything that he’d always wanted, he deserved it. So I knew that if I loved him, I had to let him go find it.

I started spending weekends at home and he moved off to Chicago. We kept in touch and still did stuff together when we could, football games or concerts, joint vacations. We even slept in the same bed sometimes and shared some more earth-shattering kisses and orgasms that sent me into orbit. And we were always there for each other whenever needed, but we went back to being just best friends.

Epilogue

Five years later…

I straightened Carey’s tie. “You look great.”

“Thanks for doing this Bry, ya know, for being here.”

I looked into his eyes, the same old feelings rippled through my belly. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. I’m happy for you.” I meant it. Even if I couldn’t be the man for him, I was content that he’d found someone, that could be everything he needed.

“I was afraid it might be too hard. And not just for you.”

“I love you, Carey. I always will.” I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. He kissed me back. “But in some ways, as hard as it is for me to admit, I’m not the best man.”

“Yeah, ya are.” He grinned affectionately and brushed his thumb across my cheek. “You’re my best man.”

“I wanted so bad to make you happy, but we both know that I can’t, and I want you to have the very best, Care. And even if we are with other people, we’ll continue to do what we’ve always done, right? Be at each other’s sides for all those important moments and all the
not so’s
, too. I like Dan—he seems like a great guy.”

“He is,” Carey responded. The look in his eyes was enough to convince me.

“I wouldn’t allow this to happen if I didn’t think it was right.”

“I know. And you know I wouldn’t go through with this if you asked me not to.”

We exchanged a long look, understanding passing between us.

“I’m not settling, Bryan. I really do love him.”

I nodded, accepting.

“And how about you?” Carey prompted, “How’d you do with that girl you were going to ask out? What was her name? Marie?”

“Yeah, she’s great, actually. I brought her here today. Wanted to get your seal of approval.”

“You did?”

“I told her about you…and me.”

“You did?” He seemed surprised. “Dan knows about you, too. That’s a big step for you. I’m so proud.” He ruffled my hair. “Look who’s growing up!” He tried to pinch my cheek.

“Cut it out.” I laughed, pulling away. “She gets me.”

“That sounds serious.”

“She has a gay best friend, too. Female.”

“Ohh,” Carey crooned, with an all-knowing grin. “Been some canoe lickin’ goin’ on there, I’d say?”

“I’m guessing.” I smiled.

“And you’re okay with that?” he asked, his fair eyebrow lifting.

“Okay with that? Who wouldn’t be? Two girls, goin’ at it?” I leered at him.

“You are a pig.”

I nodded in agreement. No argument there.

“But even if that kind of activity is still going on between them, there’s no guarantee you’ll get to watch or participate.”

“Hey, the relationship is young, who knows,” I joked.

Carey shook his head then changed the subject. “When Dan and I get back from our wedding trip, we’re going to start building the house. We purchased a beautiful plot of land. You’ll love it.”

I wondered, though, if Dan would accept Carey’s plans to build a room for me. I wasn’t sure I could be that understanding if our roles were reversed.

Carey placed his palm on my cheek. “Hey, don’t look that way. This is what I’ve always planned. There is no dream house without the Bryan wing.”

“Wow, a whole wing now?” I chuckled, feeling a little relief.

“A wing, private entrance, with access to the main house, of course, so that when you’re a doddering old fool, you’ll be able to drag your walker over for dinner.” I laughed, picturing it. “Your master bedroom will have its own en suite. Oh, and I’ve decided you’ll have weekly maid service. I know how you keep house, ya slob.”

“Sweet.”

“I’ll send you a virtual link and you can have a look.” His excitement was palpable.

“Thanks, Care.” He pulled me into a strong embrace and we held each other for a moment.

Carey drew back so that he could look at me. “You’ll always have a place with me, Bryan.” His eyes welled and so did mine. I kissed him softly and then stepped away. And even though Carey was about to get married, I had the feeling that wasn’t the last kiss we would ever share.

Carey looked at his watch. “It’s time.” He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as if trying to calm some last minute nerves. “Ready?” he asked, holding out his hand.

I took it, interlacing our fingers and we walked down the aisle, the way we did everything—together.

About the Author

H K Carlton is a multi-published Canadian author of erotic, historical and contemporary romance. Born and raised in Ontario, she lives with her hardworking hubby and lovely teenage daughter. She also has two grown sons. At present, H K is working on several exciting new projects.