Between Us (The Renegade Saints #3) (23 page)

I don’t think I am—especially not when we’re together. He dotes on me and constantly needs to be touching me in some way. I live for the end of the day so we can go home together and be ourselves. But, I fear, at some point that’s not going to be enough. I want to scale his walls and work through whatever his issue is, but I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt my pride that he isn’t claiming me publicly. Which makes me feel like crap because I was pretty sure going in this wasn’t going to be a quick expedition. It’s just frustrating seeing Tessa and Flynn being all lovey-dovey around the clock. I want that with Cole—and I hate how jealous I feel.

It’s a big day—I’m meeting with Tyson, privately, at his request. My cameras are ready to capture whatever it is he’s about to reveal, but I admit I’m really nervous. Cole hugged me extra tight this morning before I left and apologized because he couldn’t be the one to tell me.

“He specifically asked to tell you first,” he said. “He just feels more comfortable with you than Ian. I don’t want to take that away from him. He needs to know I kept my word—that we all did—and never said anything.”

I put my hand against his cheek in a soothing gesture.

“I wouldn’t have let you tell me,” I assure him. “It’s best for the documentary—and for Tyson—if it’s organic.”

He sighed deeply as he nodded. “I know, it’s just hard sending you in blind. I feel like an asshole. All I can tell you is to prepare yourself emotionally. It’s not a good story.”

I kissed him, putting all of my emotion into it. When we separated, I smiled up at him.

“Being a good friend doesn’t make you an asshole,” I scolded. “In fact, it only makes me like you more.”

It does, too. I like that he has integrity and I love how close he and the band are. It’s a fully functioning brotherhood, something deeply personal that bonds them all together in a way I know will last a lifetime. They’re very lucky to have found each other.

A few minutes into my journey, my cell rings. Seeing it’s Lana, I smile as I hit the button on my dash to answer.

“Hey—I’m on my way to Tyson’s,” I remind her.

“I know,” she laughs. “I’m just doing my daily check-in to see if you’ve gotten the D yet.”

“You’re an insane person,” I grumble.

“So clearly, still no D up in your V,” she counters.

“My V is still sadly D free,” I admit.

“Just get him hard and slide down on it while he sleeps. You need Vitamin Dick bad, so you’ve got to do whatever you have to in order to get it,” she teases.

“I’m surviving just fine, thank you,” I retort. “I’m in orgasm heaven.”

“I can totally get down with not needing the D,” she laughs. “Putting aside the fact that you’re attracted to guys, on many occasions you’ve told me not getting the D during sex would be really, really shitty. So this has got to suck.”

I groan as I smack my steering wheel. “It’s not shitty and it doesn’t suck—but yes, I want it. Bad. Fingers and dildos aren’t doing it,” I admit.

“You’re going to need to tell him,” she says seriously.

“Yeah… I guess I am. Soon.”

Seeing the entrance for Tyson’s neighborhood, I realize I need to get off the phone.

“Sorry to cut this short, but I have to bail. I’m here.”

“All right lady—get in there and kick ass. I love you and I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you, too,” I say before disconnecting.

After being approved for entrance at the neighborhood security stop, I make my way down Tyson’s street. Driving through his front gate, I marvel at how wild it is to live with so much security. Cole has told me even with the best security in place, there’s always the chance a super fan can get past it.

Tyson comes out into the driveway to greet me, and he helps me take all of my gear into the house. He’s trying not to be, but it’s apparent he’s anxious and on edge.

“How was traffic,” he asks.

“No traffic at all,” I answer. “It took about ten minutes to get here. Not having to get on the freeway meant it was easy.”

He makes a
hmm
sound as he watches me start unpacking the first camera.

“That’s weird,” he remarks. “I thought you lived in Thousand Oaks.”

My eyes go wide and I almost drop my camera.

“I, uh—”

“You know who lives about ten minutes from me?” he asks.

“Um—”

“Flynn and Cole both do, actually,” he says. “Gavin’s just down the road. Flynn’s dealing with Tessa issues and Gavin’s out looking for some book Bree wants. That leaves Cole.”

“Please—”

He waves me off with a laugh. “I’m just fucking with you. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Well, I won’t tell anyone
else
. Gavin and I have known for weeks. Flynn’s just an idiot who isn’t noticing shit lately.”

I gape at him as I process his words.

“How did you know?”

He gives me a look that clearly says he wasn’t born yesterday.

“I’ve known Cole for way too long not to notice when anything changes with him. You spend that amount of time with three other dudes, you pick up on things. I admit, Gavin noticed first, but once he did, I got there pretty fast.”

Of course, Gavin noticed first. I should’ve known.

“We’ve come up with a guess about why he’s being an asshole and keeping it a secret,” Tyson continues.

My eyebrows shoot up toward my hairline as I stare at him.

“Just nod if I’m right or give me the finger if you’re insulted,” he instructs. “I’m thinking he’s still playing the whole
I have to be in a three person relationship game
. Like that’s ever going to happen.”

“And worse, he’s convinced himself Ian could be the third,” he continues tersely. “Like he would let that shithead put one finger on you.”

I nod, but then realize I disagree with something he just said. “Ian isn’t a shithead—”

“He kind of is,” Tyson counters. “I mean, not like an evil motherfucker, but Jesus. He’s so uptight I could mine for diamonds in his sphincter. He’s a decent guy when he feels he’s in comfortable territory, but if there’s any disruption in the force, he fuckin’ melts down. It makes me anxious. Although, I guess I’m not one to talk about needing routine,” he says with a self-deprecating laugh.

“I think we all like routine,” I assure him softly.

He smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I appreciate you saying that. I like you,” he says. “You were the best choice for this job, and I’ve known since I saw your YouTube video that when it came time to talk about my past, I’d be able to tell you. The idea of letting it out isn’t so bad knowing you’ll be the one asking questions.”

He looks heartbreakingly sad and so weighed down with it, I hurt for him.

I walk across the room quickly and set my hand on his arm. “You don’t need to do this,” I assure him. “We don’t need it. The documentary can go forward without you ever having to put whatever this is out there. You’re entitled to your privacy.”

He looks down at my hand for a second before lifting his eyes to mine. “This. This is why it had to be you,” he says. “Anyone else would’ve pushed. Ian, the asshole, has been pushing for weeks. He’s nice about it—but it always feels like he’s doing it just to have something bigger for the book. Like I’m not a real person. I don’t know—maybe that’s just me projecting, but it’s how I feel. I just couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone but you.”

Taking a breath, he steps back and stands up straight.

“I’m done running,” he says firmly. “What I’m doing today is just the first step in something I should’ve started a long time ago.”

His resolve firm, he helps me set up the cameras and my monitoring equipment. When the time comes and we sit down for the interview, he cuts right to the chase and tells me his story.

I keep it together, but it’s more difficult than I could ever have imagined. He shares pictures with me, even cries a few times. I stay rock solid for him, holding his hand when he needs comfort. Otherwise, I just listen and let him talk at his own pace.

Gavin and his sister Bree arrived as I was packing to go. Their timing was impeccable, but I guess it would be considering Tyson texted Gavin when I stopped rolling. I’d never been so relieved to see two people in my life.

After I left, alone in my car, I burst into tears.

When my car crests the top of Cole’s driveway, I see him sitting on the front steps waiting for me. On the drive back here from Tyson’s, all I’d been able to focus on was getting to Cole, because I need comfort. It’s at this moment that I realize something huge—I’m falling in love with him.

As I’m parking the car, I see him rushing toward me. Pulling the key from the ignition, I open the door and fall into his arms.

“It’s okay,” he says soothingly, “and you did so good, baby. Tyson called and said you did everything you could to make it easy for him.”

Tears pour down my cheeks as I hold on tight to Cole. I’m surprised when he hands me a wad of tissues, but glad to have them. I wipe frantically at my right eye trying to catch my tears as my left eye soaks his shirt.

“I can’t… I never…”

Getting words out is impossible when I’m crying this hard. The floodgates are open right now and I can’t get them to close.

“I know,” he murmurs. “I know.”

“He… my… heart,” I wail. “It’s so… horrible!”

Cole is my rock, holding on tight with one arm as his other rubs up and down my back.

“The pictures,” I choke out through my sobs. “So beautiful. How?”

“I don’t know,” he says thickly. “If I could change one thing for anyone, I’d change that for him. We’d all give anything to change it.”

I nod against his chest as I let out a shuddering breath.

“I wanted to hug him so badly,” I say with a sniffle. “It was so hard to keep it inside. It wasn’t what he needed, though. I had to stay strong, but the entire time I wanted to curl into a ball and cry.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.

Shaking my head, I push back from his chest and wipe at my eyes with the now soaked tissues.

“I’m not,” I assure him. “I hate that he held it all inside of him for all these years. He needed to get it out.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “It’s just fucking awful.”

“He knows,” I say softly. “About us. He knows.”

I brace myself for a freakout, because Cole’s been so gung-ho about being secretive. Instead, he laughs.

“Yeah. I figured that out when he called to tell me you were on your way home. He told me I’d need to try harder to get one over on him,” he admits with a chuckle.

“You okay with him knowing?” I ask.

“I’m proud to be with you,” he assures me.

My heart skips a few beats and I smile happily as he guides us inside. He doesn’t hesitate or ask me what I want to do. Instead, he leads me upstairs and into the bathroom, and has me sit on the marble surround of the tub. He keeps an eye on me as he fills the tub up and adds bath salts and bubble bath to the steaming water. When he’s finished, he stands me up and strips me down before handing me a clip to put my hair up in. After I finish doing that, he helps me into the tub.

“This is the kind of day you need to wash off,” he says. “It’s the only thing that will help.”

I nod my agreement as I lean back and relax against the headrest. I know he’s moving around the bathroom and the bedroom, but I stay quiet and focus on my breathing. About ten minutes later, I hear the sound of his footsteps on the tile floor.

“Didn’t fall asleep did you, baby?”

I open my eyes to show him I’m alert as I shake my head.

“Mm-mm,” I sigh. “Just enjoying the water. You were right—it’s helping.”

He takes a seat on the marble surround, grabs a washcloth from the large basket behind my head and then sticks his hand into the water. After ringing it out, he carefully starts washing my face.

“I’ve got raccoon eyes don’t I?”

He chuckles softly. “Just a little.”

“So much for waterproof,” I sigh.

“It held up for a while, but toward the end, it was a lost cause. Doesn’t matter,” he says huskily. “You still look beautiful.”

Did I say falling in love? Because what I meant was in love. I can’t imagine spending any time away from this man—nor can I imagine ever wanting anyone but him. No one else can or will ever compare.

Bringing my hand up through the water, I capture a handful of bubbles and hold them up before blowing some his way.

“You could help this along by getting in,” I murmur.

“Yeah?”

I nod silently. Right now, I want the body contact. I need to feel connected to life and more specifically to Cole.

He sheds his clothes quickly before joining me in the gargantuan tub. It’s a two—heck, maybe even three or four—person tub, so he’s able to sit right next to me. I smile when he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. With a contented sigh, I let my head drop to his shoulder. With his free hand, he gestures to the TV.

“Wanna watch something light? It might help.”

I think about it for half a second before nodding. “Yeah. I was watching
The Golden Girls
last night in the shower so the DVD is already in there. You okay to watch that?”

He’s gotten me totally hooked on the show, which is kind of hilarious. He beams at me with a look of pride.